|The Story||The Authors|
|Kurt surveyed the scene before him with a grim mute satisfaction. Demetrius whimpering in a pool of his own congealing blood. Kiki in her cage, hair askew, garments rent and softly swaying back and forth to the lilting rhythm of the cracked rendition of "You Give Love A Bad Name" that slid from between her numb lips like a piece of rancid calf's liver. This was the sort of moment he lived for, blood, screams, insanity, all the pain and suffering his nefarious soul could summon and still twice the entertainment value of a Poison video. If only Janice would appear and complete the scene. He'd be able to finish his dastardly work and still have time to catch both episodes of Simpson's reruns at five and five thirty just before Frasier. He started pacing distractedly. "Just like a woman to be late" he mumbled," Can't even be bothered to show up on time when lives are at stake and the fate of the world is in the balance. harumph, women." Kurt decided he may as well divest Demetrius of another appendage just to kill some time. Janice, for her part and ever the optimist, dicided that now was her chance.|
Stepping from the shadows, she sang out the lines she'd been revising and rehearsing for the past fifteen minutes. "Yo, Rogaine Boy! Who won the Top 100 Videos of 1984 Countdown?"|
He continued in this fashion for some minutes:|
"I wrote the Book of Love, did I not?
"I am the Lizard King, am I not?
"I maketh the magpie lie with the gecko, do I not?
"In rainbow-colored Keebler inflatability, is it not?
"Fraught with the terrors and night-sweats of the disgruntled Kings of Tyrus rotting away in their filthy banquet-halls for all time beneath the shifting sands of the Gobi Desert, do they not?
"In quadraphonic stereo, is it not?
"Spinning and spinning and spinning across the starry waterbed of the Pleiades like a land-starfish on too much crystal methedrine, have I not?
"From the mountains to the prairies to the oceans white with foam, are they not?
"Just as we represent the Lollipop Guild, do we not?
"So too do the Taco Bells of this earth, yea, and all the Wendy's franchises and understocked ACE Hardware stores of this world and the next, stand as testaments to MY power and MY glory and MY interest-free mortgage policy, may they not?
"For I am the LORD, and that last -- slice -- of -- Pizza -- is -- MINE!"
From their opposite corners, Janice and Kurt Loder, legs and lungs and hearts pumping, converged upon the open pizza box on the card table in the center of the room.
|Tiki stood up in her cage. She was starving and hadn't even noticed the pizza before. She did not know how much more torture she could endure. Demetrius was nearly dead from loss of blood. Kurt had wrestled the pizza box away from Janice but before he could escape with it, Janice had picked up Demetrius' severed arm and began beating Kurt about the head with it. Kurt dropped the pizza box just out of Tiki's reach. She stretched her arm between the bars, pressing her shoulder against the metal, but she could only scratch the corner with her chewed fingernail. Janice continued to beat the self-absorbed Kurt Loder until he ceased to move. She dropped Demetrius' badly damaged arm, seeing that Demetrius wasn't going to need it anymore anyway, and ran to free Tiki from her prison. Tiki immediately ate all the pizza. Janice wanted some pizza too but she kept silent. She knew that Tiki needed it more than herself. "Did you save any for me?" the two women heard a familiar voice eminating from a dark corner of the attic. They squinted into the dark to see who it was. Out of the shadows stepped Bitzy Bootleg.|