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Chapter 2

     The Story The Authors
"Wake up, Granny, you're having a nightmare!" Annie shook Grandma Pearl so hard her dentures almost fell out of her mouth. "Whoa, whut in 'tarnation! Ease on gurleh, Iz still alav, dammit! Iz jus hayd whut yo sayed, a nahtmayuh. Ahz think it wuz Dy-Anneh Ross commin' aftuh me foh revenge! Man, wuz she nasteh lookin. Ah almos' had annuduh cardiak lookin' at huh hayuh, lemme tell you. Did ah doze off agin?" "Yeah," said Annie. We were running after the squirrel when you suddenly keeled over and started snoring. Mary went on ahead after it. I stayed here with you to wait for you to wake up, but you started thrashing violently and started talking nonsense so I woke you up." Off in the distance, Mary called out. "Hey! I think I've cornered it! Come here, quick!" Annie helped Grandma Pearl up on her feet and they scooted over to where Mary was. mister ed
Bitzy grinned broadly when she saw her old compatriot Fluffy. "We'll have to widen the archway for you sweatheart, " she whispered in his ear as she wraped her arounds his shoulders. Vashondra, living up to her charming reputation, had already prepared a luncheonette of martinis and open-faced brie and pate sandwiches on thinly sliced sour dough. Bitsy wondered if it was really foie gras they were eating, but did not want to embarass the hostess by questioning.Fluff hadn't had a Vashondra style martini in a long time. It felt extremely good. After relaxing with three shakers and more than enough reruns of Dumbo, Fluffy announced he was going outside for a smoke. Actually he was looking for a safe and private garden to relieve himself in. Those new 1.6 liter flushing troughs always caused an embarassing scene for an elephant. Allie
Mary had cornered the squirrel against several granite boulders whose sides were too smooth to scurry over. The chase seemed to have made some of it's fur come off, revealing shiny metallic skin underneath. Metallic?? Ann and Grandma Pearl finally arrived panting for breath. "I knew smoking 5 packs a day would finally catch up with me," said Ann, who was wheezing and hacking up a storm. Grandma Pearl cocked her rifle and pointed it at the squirrel, who had the locket in it's mouth and strangely enough, showed no fear. "Alrighty, mistuh squrl, hand ovah ma locket lest I send ya up da Rivuh Jordan!" The squirrel, whose beady red eyes seemed a bit peculiar and artificial, simply sat there unmoved by the old woman. "Don't say I didden warnya," said Grandma Pearl, and she fired her rifle the creature. The bullets simply tore off more of the squirrel's hide and ricocheted off its metallic body, sending sparks flying all over the place. Mary screamed and leapt behind some bushes. "Gawd Almighteh!" shrieked Grandma Pearl. Ann said, "That's not a real squirrel! It's a cyborg!" "Well duh!" shouted Mary from behind the shrubbery. The squirrel's red eyes began to glow. Feather
The squirrel looked at Mary and squeaked, "Got an extra cigarette?" Grandma Pearl said, "Whad'ja waiting fa? Give dat roden' a butt, gal!" Mary threw her entire pack of Salem Lights at the toaster oven of a squirrel. He breathed fire from his nostrils, lighting the fag. He took a long draw on the mentholated tobacco, clicking his little metal rodent paws on the pavement. "Ha," piped up Grandma Pearl, "Don't he jus' sound like yer ole granddaddy when he usta tap dance at da ole saloon? Now, don't he jus'?" Mary's feet started twitching a bit. Her body held memories of her toothless granddad spitting out chaw and swinging platinum-headed country girls around the pine-walled tavern in their old town. She remembered him wearing a Dolly Parton wig one night when he was really looped up and had just had a threesome with the Fitzroy twins who lived behind the cow pastures. But Grandma Pearl, she always pretended that she never saw a thing. She always pretended her life was just hunky-dorey. But, now, there was no pretending. The metal squirrel could read their thoughts and he was suddenly wearing a blonde wig, a tight gingham skirt and a load of blue eyeshadow. "Durn," said Grandma Pearl, "Ain't he a looker?" More like a hooker, thought Mary. But what were they doing here anyway? They had to get those books back to the library tonight or else the 20-cents-a-day fines would start mounting. And who could survive such a financial catastrophe? Mary jingled her coins in her pockets and realized she only had 50 cents to her name. But the squirrel, mind-reader that he was, opened his eyes, flashed Sevens in his pupils, opened his mouth and vomited a huge pile of dimes. Things were looking up. tapdancer

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