Chapter 1
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Vashondra frowned as she pulled her shaker from her coif. It was cracked. "Sometimes i just don't know. Dear Lord make me a bird so I can fly far, far away." She sighed. The novices approached the van. Each captive noted the waterbottles contained a single tadpole in each. The razors were all mauve. | |
| Little Tommy flushed the toilet, but try as he might, he could not get this grandmother's dentures to go down. | |
| "Taaameeee!" shrieked Grandma Pearl. "Come git ovah heah rait now dis instant. Yuze got me teet agin, dontcha, yo liddle whippasnappa..." Grandma Pearl turned to her daughter Pauline, Tommy's mother. She said, "Pauline honeh, ma ankles are actin' up mad. Go an' fetch yo son. Ahm gitten hungreh, an' I cain't have ma corncobs and frahd chickin wit jist me gums!" "Yes, Momma," sighed Pauline. | |
| Pauline rose from the battered rocking chair and threw down her needlework with just enough force to make a thud. | |
| One needle flew into the air, boomeranged off the rocker, and pierced her foot. Suddenly, she was crucified by her own handiwork. She didn't let out a sound. George might hear her. She musn't let George suspect she was ever in pain. George came by and didn't notice anything except that the television had been turned off. "What happened to my show," he asked. "I told you I was watching that show." Pauline, with a needle through her bony foot, forgot about having turned off the TV. But here she was, with something sharp picking at her sole and she couldn't rush to the TV as she normally would. She couldn't fix what was broken for George. George was a little surprised. Usually, she moved quickly. Usually, she jumped to it. He felt his anger rising. Always on the ready, always on the go. But suddenly, his eye caught a piece of needlework on the floor. He thought it was a picture of a naked woman. Well, oh my god, that was a pink nipple blossoming on a dumpling breast. He looked into Pauline's eyes. Was she a lesbian? | |
| Grandma Pearl came into the room dragging Little Tommy by the ear. With a wicked, toothless grin she said, "Lookie who ah found. Dam boy trahd flushin' me teet dahn the toylet. Ah still cain't fahnd ma teet." She shook the boy by the ear and he just stuck his tongue out at the old woman. "Yo jus wahtch it, mistah. Yo luckeh I ain't got ma switch, " scolded Grandma Pearl. She noticed that George was looking rather flustered and Pauline seemed to be in pain. She released Tommy, who ran off to the garden, and wobbled over to her daughter to offer her a comforting embrace. "There, there honeh.... dontcha mahnd that George. George, go mahnd yo son." George left, but not without apprehension. Grandma Pearl looked Pauline in the eyes and said, "Honeh, ah don't cayah if yuz a lesbian or a Lebaneez or a monstah from outah space. Yo still ma dawtah." Pauline burst out laughing and said | |
| "Mamma, I am a lesbian as you can tell from my needlepoint, but that is not the problem that worries me now. Have you heard from your other daughter, Candace? She was supposed to get married on Saturday but now she's cropped up missing." "Usea worryen bout dat no good sistah of yurs? She ain't my dawtah afters what she what she done did to thisa famly, Grandpa Pearl asked. "Boy George," she cried, "Fetch me a pig foot a da bottle of beer, Paulines done got me so upset I need to got ta da crying land." | |
| Vashonra, Bitzy, Tiki and Candace were helped into wheelchairs by the noviates. Vashondra had given up on her cracked shaker and was now reaching over into Bitzy's less than perfect beehive for the spare. As her hands grasped the last frozen flask, she heard the mauve razors spin into action. She took a one-minute gulp and passed it to Bitzy. As the electric razor goughed deep into her beehived scalp, she crossed herself and smiled. "Be brave my sisters, the final communion will be a well-aged port." | |
| Bitzy began to remember previously forgotten moments in her earlier years. This caused her to twitch and begin singing "Love Machine" in German. |
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