|The Story||The Authors|
|Seven snakes bite stealthily without much haste
Out west, is where I went, alone in my escape.
where one makes waste of big iguanas
Failing that, I console myself with a seedless grape.
But was it a Grape of Wrath or an angry raisin?
The blinding solitude slunk along with nonchalance
I can't decide, the palm tree or a good fluffy poodle?
To be with you in Fresno
Reversing the congested freeways can prove that a '68 Hooptie
was once a tiny thing to behold, golden in the morning light.
|Yep, Dianne, Janice, Joel, and Terrence were out west. Out among the iguanas, , seedless grapes, palm trees and poodles, they thoughtt they could recover from the disgrace at Kristi's funeral. But just then Dianne screamed!!! Because approaching menacingly towards them was a....|
...band of disgruntled elderly ladies who were out walking their
poodles in full force. They were led by some big-haired blonde chick
named Zsa Zsa Gabor, who was the most ferocious of the bunch but you
couldn't tell by looking, seeing she has that permanent
post-operative smile and all. She wore a tight red dress around her
big plump figure, and she looked not unlike an overstuffed tomato
tortilla with vericose veins. The band of women approached Dianne
and her group and eyed them suspiciously through tucked eyelids..
"Hey you riffraff, getta off my property!" shrieked the one known as Zsa Zsa.
"It's a free country, so there, nyahhhh!", countered Dianne. She had such a knack with comebacks!
"Oh? You wanta me to schlapp you, darlink?, " threatened the angry Gabor.
The other old bags, err..ladies, started hooting and hollering in support of their leader, shouting "You give it to her, girlfriend! Yeah! Girl power!" Their poodles growled at Dianne, Janice, Joel and Terrence like little pink puffballs with gnashing teeth. Janice almost fell over backward laughing...she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She nudged Joel, but he and Terrence were too busy chanting "Cat fight, cat fight.." in the background. Dianne glared at the bloated beast before her and made a fist. Just then...
Dianne said, "Hey why'd you wanna fight me?"
Zsa Zsa replied, "Ah dawn't lak yer fayce, an' yer on mah proberty! Sew thee-are!" Dianne was taken aback for a second, horrified at this lady's accent. Zsa Zsa took this moment of advantage to punch Dianne in the face. Dianne was knocked out. Zsa Zsa howled in triumph, "LeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" This shook up Joel and Terrence, whom she quickly punched out as well. Janice stood up. "You can't do that to my three children!" "Oh yeah?" asked Zsa Zsa. "Yeah!" said Janice. They started to fight like dogs and cats....
|Just then, the director shouted "Cut! CUT! No, no, no! I want more feeling, more emotion. Give me emotion, children, EMOTION!!" Janice had Zsa Zsa in a headlock, and looked up with surprise to see a Hollywood production crew busily filming the scuffle. "What the hell is this?! Who are you people??" Then the director's assistant walked up clapping her tiny hands and merrily chirped, "Take five, people..., tee hee hee, oh you were all so divine!" "Yah, I know dat already so shut up yur face, " answered Zsa Zsa. She broke out of Janice's hold and tried to straighten herself out. Her disheveled blonde hairpiece was dangling halfway off her head. She looked down at Janice and uttered rather condecendingly, "You know vat darlink? You could use sahm acting lessons, take it from a star like me. And dat face, dear, it is da face of spoiled Hungarian goulash." "Oh yeah? I'll give you Hungarian goulash, you bad acting, bad accented, and might I add, style-deficient, ugly ol' windbag!" Janice got up, looked Zsa Zsa straight in the face, and said, "Hey Zsa Zsa, so you want to see stars, eh? This should put you into orbit." She spat on her fist and let it loose on Zsa Zsa's face. The Gabor flew backwards, in dramatic slow-motion of course, through the fake scenery, the decorative cardboard cut-outs, past the poodles, through the group of poorly paid extras, and finally plunged through the open window of a Starbucks coffee shop Zsa Zsa muttered, "Oooooh..lookie at all da stars spinning 'round my head!" before she clonked out cold amongst the espresso machines and bags of exotic roast.|