The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

Chapter 8

     The Story The Authors
"You don't gotta worry or nothin'. He ain't 'gressive like that no more. He been spayed jus' like me!" Timmy let the dead squirrel drop onto the path and hurriedly fumbled with the zipper on his suit to show them.
Crink gave the horrified Hickey a wide wide grin. "That's alright there, Timmykitty, we don't have time for that. We believe you. Surely and sorely we do, but right about now, Ole Officer Matt and I gotta be moseying. You be good now keep outta trouble or no Lime Jell-o for you!"
"Yes sir, Jermy, I'm all out of trouble today." and scooping up the squirrel Timmy traipsed back into the bushes.
Hooking a strong supportive arm around Hickey's battered chest Crink hustled Matthew away. "OK, Crink, what's going on? Just what the fuck are you do..."
"Tut Tut Tut, Matty Boy, time enough for that later. Let me just put it to you now, nice and easy like, that you, it seems, you've struck a certain Millennial nerve. Yessiree Bobby Kennedy! Hit the motherlode of Zeitgeist!"
"But But what are you...."
"Chrissakes, Hickey, you really should check your email once in blue moon!"
"Email? I don't even have a compu..."
"Tut Tut Tut, Later. We must tend your seeping sacred wounds."
"TUT!" warningly.
Matthew gave up and let himself be led in silence.

The path slowly became more defined, leveling out until it reached a junction with a larger road rutted with fresh tire tracks. Big tracks. A stray Star Wars commemorative Coke can lay crushed on one deep groove. Jeremy grabbed with an exasperated Tut, and kept them going. They continued down the wider road as the sun began passed over the top of the mountain behind them. The last great brown moths of the season fluttered haphazardly through the fauna on either side of them. The stolid trudging of weary footfalls and their own breath the only human sounds. Everything took on a gray pallid look in the fading twilight. Even the drying blood on Jeremy's coat was fading to a sickly black. They reached a gate.
A sort of a gate, anyway. In reality it was more or less a movable white picket limply thrust across the dirt road. Jeremy flipped it up and pushed Hickey through. Just before it came down again behind him Matthew made out some writing on it in gold paint.
There were lights ahead. A smallish compound of four or five rough-hewn buildings arranged centrally around a small square. Glorified sheds really, but lit with electricity. A couple of spotlights lit the space in the center. To one side a spigot and trough of recent vintage, fresh dirt piled around where the pipes had recently been buried. Closer to the center a circle of logs and the remains of a campfire and next to that an elaborately carved and gilded stump. A casual fat fly gently preened itself on the stump as it licked the fresh juicy blood that coated the stump from the ends of its legs.
"Welcome Home, Matthew! You have finally ARRIVED!"
" i've been waiting so longs as so i can finally have the pleasure of fucking you on the new vibrating water bed that i have purchased just for this occasion!"
as long as your aids hasn,t come back. wdr
are you a virgin again dlr
At this provocative suggestion, Matthew's bloodshot eyes lit up briefly, savoring the possibility of a reborn virginity, rising like some masculine phoenix from the ashes of his misadventures -- his face then suddenly falling as he was made to understand, yet again, that if his condition could hypothetically beconsidered some sort of 'virginity,' there existed, unlike the other sorts of virginity, no cure for it. He was a hopeless case. Tears welled in the corners of his eyes and a great gob of snot ran from his left nostril and coagulated upon his bearded upper lip. Philip
"Mother!" he sobbed piteously. He buried his pinched face in his meaty hands and his whole body shook as he bawled like a baby.
"Yes, that's right, Officer Hickey," Crink snarled. "It's time for you to pay for the crime of murdering your dear old mother!"

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