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Chapter 5

     The Story The Authors
"Don't listen to heem," clucked Gregor. "Eet ees only Hyram Golub, ze lunateek of ze Bagel Gnome community, driven mad zey say by ze wearing of hees yarmulke eenside out. He ees always eenventing zees eemaginary eenvasions."
"Just tell me what the hell you want from me!" said Hadley.
Philip
"Well monsiuer, I untersahnd zat you are ze aseestant principahl ov ze school, non?"
"Yes, get on with it!"
"Weel monsiuer, I am ze fameely man, you zee, I haff a large brood with many many more on ze way, yet again. Zay are fairy expenseeve to feed. You haff a cafeteria at ze school, non?"
"uh, yeah" Hadley didn't like the direction this was taking.
Lanark
"I am only asking for ze after-school hours, Monsieur. We weel not make our presence felt during ze school day..."
"But my cooks get in there to stir the cauldrons at six-fifteen every morning! And if they're there, that means the health inspector could show up, too..."
"My brood can accommodate any schedule you weesh. So long as we can feast during ze night."
"Weeeelllll alright, Gregor, cut me down from here and you've got yourself a deal!"
Philip
Meanwhile, Muff Potter was leading Adam and Geraldine through a labyrinth of corridors.
"Are you sure you know your way out of hear?" Adam panted. "Yes, you two were out for a long time. I found Joe and he showed me the way out."
"Just how long have we been down here?" Geraldine asked. "If my parents find out that I snuck out of the house again, I'm going to be in beg trouble!"
"I think you better start thinking about what you're going to tell them." suggested Potter and then he stopped short. Adam and Geraldine bumped into him in the darkness.
"What is it?" Adam asked.
"Sshh! Some one is coming. Quick, we can hide behind that boulder." The three crouched behing the boulder and watched as what looked like a small platoon of midget soldiers marched past them.
"Were those Bagle Gnomes?" Adam whispered as the last of them marched out of sight.
"No, they didn't look like Bagel Gnomes." Geraldine said.
"You're right, they aren't. I think they must be Doughnut Dwarves!"
cuddles
"WAEHDNTWREADEOEOIL!" screamed the Doughnut Dwarves. "ADHTENYUOSOS WAEOTAPRIUAYUNWPEAEOI!!"
"What was that?" asked Adam in surprise.
"DYUATNBOSA NIOO!!!" screamed the Doughnut Dwarves.
"It's obvious," said Potter. "They're doughnut dwarves! No one else can scream in that language. Ecxept me. I think they are giving us a warning that twenty hydrofoils are daunting them and saying 'no'."
"That makes no sense," said Adam.
"NIDENT TA'WYERGIGOILO!!" screamed the Doughnut Dwarves.
"Um - um - " Potter was obviously making this up as he went along. "They're riding to Wire Giga Ill Low!"
"YARGTOMRN YURVRSUI!" screamed the Doughnut Dwarves.
"They're - they're - something about the universe."
"Your name is Muff Potter so I'm not calling you translator."
"But I am a translator!"
"Yeah right."
"I am SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Muff Potter's screaming had brought them to the attention of the Doughnut Dwarves. Screaming, "WWLMKYUA!!" they charged the helpless threesome.
Little did they know that they weren't quite helpless...
Carolyn
...for at that precise moment an angry horde of thin, hairy creatures bore down upon the fast approaching Doughnut Dwarves. Eyes wide, mouths twitching, arms and legs shaking like Jell-O on springs, the new arrivals began gibbering in a language almost as incomprehensible as that of the Doughnut Dwarves. "MMGGUDTOTHLSTDRP!!!" TUBLCKONECRMNOSGR!!!" "Good Lord!" screamed Muff, voice cracking from the strain,"It can only be the Koffee Kobolds, the hereditary enemies of the Doughnut Dwarves!" Adam grabbed his head as his knees buckled, "I CAN"T TAKE ANY MORE!" Had the din of the clash between to the two rival tribes not been so deafening, the sound of Adam's mind snapping would have been easily heard. "HEE! HEE!" he giggled insanely as he curled up into a fetal ball, "Doughnut Dwarves and Koffee Koboldss and Egg 'n Cheese Sandwich Elves..." Looking down, Muff thought, "Christ! Imagine if they had to give birth!" Turning to her still lucid companion she said, "Look. Don't you go to pieces on me! We can still get out of this alive!" Meanwhile, the Kobolds looked to be gaining the upper hand on the Dwarves, while the Dwarves, knowing what defeat at the hands of the Kobolds meant, fought on with impressive tenaciousness. For to be captured by the Kobolds meant being sacrificially dunked in boiling vats of acrid brown liquid and ceremonially sacrificed and eaten in honor of the Kobold's beastly god, Javah. Of course, the moment was lost on our brave trio: Adam, rocking to and fro, arms pulled tightly around his sides, muttering something about Egg McMuffins; and Muff trying desperately to figure out how to use the confusion to her advantage. Abe Frohman


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