|The Story||The Authors|
All the blood was rushing to Assistant Principal Hadley's head. It had been for quite some time. Bound hand and foot, he was hanging upside down and naked in a large storage room just off of the kitchen. A tennis ball had been jammed in his mouth and then sealed in with duct tape. A large breasted, big booted Gnomish woman was prodding him disinterestedly with a stick. It was excruciating.|
Normally this sort of treatment cost Assistant Principal Hadley quite a lot of money ("cash or charge up front, no personal checks, and you supply your own bacon grease, diapers, and rubber novelties") But that was also on a strict hourly basis.
He swung back and forth slightly with the prodding of his guard's stick, while all he could make out below him was the drain pan there presumably to catch his blood once his throat was slit. The only thing they needed now was the Rabbi to make sure everything was kosher. Fortunately for Hadley, Rabbi Ben Golem had two bris' and a bar mitzvah to preside over before he could get to him.
|Prinipal Hadley thought back to his years as a Boy Scout Troup leader. What would the Boy Scout Gnome Manual say about how to escape from the dreaded 'Gnome Death Kitchen'. To the best of his recolection, that chapter of the manual was skipped so that they could spend extra time making those cool race cars out of blocks of wood. Oh, my what a nice car Billy Johnson made that year. It was Orange, with purple doors and a big 'STP' logo on the hood. What he wouldn't give to have Billy Johnson here now to help him out of this mess. You see Billy was also the troup's Advanced D&D champion, with a level 57 Half Gnome Magic User/Theif/Cleric. Billy Would know what to do.|
|But then Assistant Principal Hadley forced himself through the unpleasant task of recalling the last time he'd taken the advice of one of the Dungeons & Dragons people, and the ensuing melee. Now that had been a nightmare not to be outdone! Not even by this... He shook his head; the stout guard prodded him again with her stick; a giggle escaped his lips anyway; the guard growled at him...|
|Assistant Principal Hadley was lost in his idle reverie when the door to the storage room burst open. "Minka, stop playing with our dinner help me get this other gentile "longpig" in here."|
The surpirisingly strong little gnomesses hung Potter, with his hands and feet bound, next Hadley. Potter looked at Hadley with pure hate in his bloodshot eyes. |
"If we somehow get out of this alive, I'm gonna make you sorry you ever laid eyes on me you self-absorbed, pompous, ego-maniacal bastard! I'm gonna - " but before Muff could expound on his threat, Minka had stuffed a tennis ball in his mouth and was fixing there with duct tape.
|If Hadley had had his hopes up before that with a clear head there might be a way to get out of this one alive, such hopes were instantly dashed to the ground with the arrival of Potter, that drunken incompetent nincompoop. He thought back to the three consecutive tours he'd done with the Special Forces in Vietnam — it was like being sent out into the jungliest thick of Charlie encumbered by a whizz-banging platoon of cartoon ducks and clones of Lenny from Of Mice and Men... Basically, things sucked. Imprisoned by crazed Jews... Lord knew what they had in store for him... He just hoped they had it in store for Potter first: Hadley wanted the satisfaction of watching.|
|But for now, all they could do was glare at each other. Potter was filled with such hatred for Hadley that it became his new purpose in life, however much he had left, to see Hadley suffer. It wasn't just that it was Hadley's fault that he was down in this god-forsaken hole about to be slaughtered by bagel gnomes. It was even more than Hadley's exploitation of Potter's alcoholism for his own evil and selfish purposes. It went deeper than that. Muff was once a happy man. Happily married to his high school sweetheart, Margie. Until Hadley returned from Vietnam with his romantic tales of horror and heroism. Muff didn't go to Vietnam because of his poor eyesight, but Margie had always said she didn't think he was any less of a man for it. But she had lied and as her infatuation with Hadley grew, so did her contempt for Muff. It wasn't long before she'd packed up her things and their infant daughter and left Muff for Hadley. Muff Potter fell into a deep depression and turned to the bottle for comfort. He soon lost his job and his home and had nowhere to go but the homeless shelter. Several years later Margie and her little girl disappeared under mysterious circumstances and were never found. Muff was certain that Hadley had murdered them but he had no proof and no one would believe the town drunk. Muff himself was under more suspicion than Hadley. But since there was no body or weapon, the case never went to trial. Muff Potter sank further into his alcoholism. But this was the last straw. With all the blood rushing to his head, Muff was thinking clearly for the first time in 20 years. He made a vow to himself that if he lived through this he would never touch the demon bottle to his lips again and he would make Hadley pay for destroying his life.|