|The Story||The Authors|
She slipped a knife from her pocket and began to saw at Hadley's bonds.
The Bagel Gnomes had tied him so tightly and so thoroughly he couldn't
even turn his head to see her. "Yeek!" he yelped as she accidentally
nicked him with the knife-blade. "Sssshhh," she hissed back. "We
have to hurry. They're in the kitchen right deliberating on just
what the best way to cook you will be. I myself favor live roasting
over a slow fire, after the mess you got Adam and I into, Assistant
Principal Hadley. Vlad the Impaler favored that particular method
as the roastee could often be kept alive for days in a state of unspeakable
agony. Tenderizing his own meat, you might say..." |
"Just finish cutting those confounded bonds and let's get out of here, Geraldine!"
"That's right. My name is Geraldine. So don't call me Amaranthus." She cut the last cords binding his ankles and pushed him down off the table. Already approaching voices could be heard.
"Here," Geraldine whispered tersely. "For God's sake, cover yourself
up!" She grabbed the white table cloth off the table and handed it
to Hadley who proceeded to wrap it about himself like a toga. "This
way, quickly." |
"Stop!" called the King Bagel Gnome. "That's our breakfast you're running off with!"
"My name is Assistant Principal Hadley so don't call me breakfast!"
Geraldine and Hadley broke into a run, heading down the first passageway they came to. The bagel gnomes followed.
"God, you smell like lox." Geraldine said as they ran, keeping just ahead of their pursuers. "Will never ditch these fuckers as long as you smell like that!"
"Language!" the assistant principal admonished.
"Language aside, we have to get rid of that smell."
"Well, I'd love to take a nice hot shower right now but I don't think it's very practical."
"Oy! Come back with our breakfast!" cried the gnomes.
"No, we have to cover the smell with something else."
"Like what?" the principal asked.
"Like shit." Geraldine answered.
"Shit! There must be bats living in these caves somewhere. We can rub guano all over you."
"I don't think so!"
"You got any better ideas?"
"Breakfast! Give us back our breakfast!"
"No, I mean I don't think there are any bats down here."
"Then you'll have to use your own!"
"It's that or be eaten by those little monsters!" The two ducked into an alcove and Mr. Hadley quickly squatted and deficated into his own hand, just like the monkeys at the zoo. He suppressed his gag reflex as he smeared the stuff all over his body. The gnomes, having lost the scent of the lox, ran right by them without so much as a sideways glance.
"Damn! We were nearly caught," said Mr. Huxley. I smell like crap!"
"Well, be careful next time."
Geraldine found herself in a peculiar frame of mind. Here she was cowering
in a narrow alcove of a dark cavernous hallway of an underground tunnel
with the principal of her school who was crouching naked next to her
and had recently covered himself in his own feces. Although the smell was
overwhelming, the intensity subsided as the seconds had passed and her
olfactory system acclimated. She began to giggle. Huxley realizing his
predicament tried to blunt the peculiars of the situation by
distracting her with conversation. As the excitement of the recent chase
subsided, Geraldine found herself swept with fatigue and confusion.
Geraldine woke up...
Still where she'd been before; oh, how she wished the 'guano' were a dream, but alas, it was still coating his (Mr. Huxley's) body. He seemed tired. Sleeping the night coated in his on filth hadn't helped him. He hadn't slept.
|At the same time that Geraldine was opening her eyes and nose to the disgusting sight and even more disgusting smell of Assistant Principal Hadley covered in his own excrement, a previously unconscious Adam was opening his senses to the equally unpleasant olfactory experience presented by Potter, who lay face-down and snoring in a pool of his own vomit.|