|The Story||The Authors|
|Potter groaned in some bourbon-induced nightmare and retched again as Adam rose, stretched, yawned, and clothespinned his nose.|
"We gotta find you some water or something to get you cleaned
up. (Not to mention some...um...real clothes"|
For the first time Assistant Principal Hadley became fully aware of his near nakedness in the proximity of an underage student of his. This was not the sort of thing that couldbe easily explained away to a group of glowering P.T.A. parents. He could probably get awawy with being covered in his own shit. But...
Adam looked around the debris-strewn chamber. No Geraldine. Where
in god's name was that girl? He tightened the clothespin on his nose
and went over to where Potter lay in his upchuckity sleep. He nudged
the pale prone figure with the toe of his desert boot. "HEY, OLD
SOUSE, WAKE UP." |
Potter answered with a groan. "GRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBS," He moaned in his sleep. "NO MORE GRUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP, THEN, YA FUCKIN' ALKIE," SAID ADAM. "GUESS I'LL HAFTA TAKE CARE A THIS ONE MYSELF. I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TO THE WORMS..."
This last remark cut through potter's sleep like a hot knife through head-cheese, and instantly he was on his feet, clinging to adam's upper arm and looking wild-eyed around the floor. "NO WORMS!" He stammered. "Please, sir! Let me come with you!"
"only if you let me ride piggy-back," replied adam... And so, astride his new mount ("mush, old timer!") Away into the tunnels they galloped.
It wasn't long before Muff was completely exhausted. He stopped and
dropped Adam off of his back. Adam would have climbed back on but
Muff had dropped to the floor breathing heavily and clutching his
"C'mon, old man, let's keep moving."
"Please," Muff panted. "Let...me...catch...my...breath!"
"I haven't got time to waste on you, old man." Adam sniffed the stale air. "What is that smell?"
Muff Potter sniffed the air. "Smells like-" Muff sniffed again. "Smells like Assistant Principal Hadley smeared himself with lox and then tried to cover up that smell with his own feces. It's coming from that direction." Muff pointed in the direction they were already heading.
"Then let's get going." Adam, realizing that Muff Potter's remarkable olfactory aptitude may be of some advantage in the future, helped the old souse to his feet and they continued down the tunnel towards the smell.
Perhaps a hundred yards down the tunnel, a large patch of phosphorescent
lichen growing up the wall illuminated a large, bulbous shape lying
on the tunnel floor and looking (from that distance) for all the
world like a deflated size 37 air-elephant... The horrid olfactory
broth — in which were monstrously co-mingled rancid smoked salmon
with the excrement of a middle-aged man whose diet consisted almost
solely of red meat, cheap vodka, salted snack treats, and saturated
fats — grew ever more pungent as they approached the heaped, mysterious
shape on the floor, and as the light grew stronger they could see
a familiar lapel, a familiar tie... |
"Assistant Principal Hadley!" shouted Potter, and ran, choking, stumbling and sobbing towards the prone shape on the floor...
But it was only his clothes, the last shred of salmon pried from between the stitches of their inner pocket of his vest and the hidden compartment beneath the swivel heel of his left oxford. The Bagel Gnomes (of whose existence Adam and Potter as yet knew absolutely nothing) had abandoned the garments in a pile of poop which had flaked off Assistant Principal Hadley's naked back as he and Geraldine fled down the tunnel.
"What the hell do we do next?" said Adam...
Potter was about to respond in the Comcomitantly Indecisive when from the floor there arose the familiar (to Potter, at least) Gallic squeak of a voice from the floor...
"I sink you comm to see ze boo-lesque show, non?" Gregor stepped into the phosphorescent light.. Potter screamed and fainted atop the foul mess of Assistant Principal Hadley's garments.