Chapter 6
The Story | The Authors |
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But it was an empty gesture. After all, they didn't really think it was such an awful fate for the world. Heck, it might be kind of fun. But Boar, being the southern gentleman and staunch upholder of proper manners that he was, knew that Anita was ultimately right. Sex in itself was not a bad thing but it had it's time and place. Discussing sex, let alone performing the act, in public would cause the breakdown of polite society and the breakdown of polite society meant the end of civilization as they knew it. Boar put his hairy, hooved foreleg about Anita's heaving shoulders and reassured her. "Naw, naw, don't you fret, Miss Anita. I aims to do ev'rything in mah powuh to help y'all stop this horrifyin' disastuh from ocurrin'." Anita gazed up at Mr. Boar with red, swollen eyes. "Thankyou, Boar." She smiled. "You are a true gentleman." The Cat Devoid of Hat and the Thing duo just shrugged and agreed to follow along. | |
"Let's stop at the Seven-Eleven for a quick Slurpee," he stuttered hurrily. | |
"No, you fool!" cried Anita. "There's no time for that." She slapped the bareheaded Cat repeatedly about his naked bean. | |
the cat cried in alarm and jumped away from anita. "meow you old bag!" anita laughed and grabbed a broom. "i'll show you who runs this house!' | |
She chased the cat through the house, laughing at the eccentric behaviour of a cat so young. When Anita tired of this she sat down in the kitchen with a coffee. She could see the cat watching her from the corner of her eye. Just sitting there staring. | |
"Ma'am, suh, I beg of you to desist with this rathuh unnecessary behaviah
this momen'. This is mah home an' Ah will cannot abide by it in mah
presen' condishun. Theah ah things that need to be done an' ah suggest
we should bes' staht on ouah expedishun post haste. Now, if theah
is no objecshun, let us continyoo." Hyped with caffeine Thing One and Thing Two were revived enough to add We must start There is no doubt The time has come The truth is out Jake's coma dreams Mold our lives like putty So move we must Before they're naught But smutty And so it was agreed upon that the journey would continue. The Cat's magic chapeau was located in the freezer filled with ice (some sort of fuzzily remembered hangover preparation that had seemed like a good idea at the time)and following a hearty breakfast of ham steak with red eye gravy and generous helpings of grits, they set off following the next set of initials. | |
At the back of Boar's cavernous livingroom (corners heaped high with
the bones of previous trespassers and other unfortunates) another
arrow, crowned with the initials A.S., pointed towards the further,
narrower reaches of the cave. "In mah youth, befoah the Wah of Nawthun Oppression dee-stroyed the South of mah foahfathers, ah used to spee-lunk in this heah cave with mah first love, a lovely maiden who went bah the name o' Becky Thatcher... We used to get loast in theah foah days awn end without evah reachin' the cave's nethah cawn-clusion..." He sighed nostalgically. "Since then, howevah, the sizeable, er, girth I acquired due to mah first wife's pro-pensity foah cooking almos' evuhreething in lahd has por-hibited me from resuming mah explo-rations of the cave. Thanks to the Slim-Quick diet my esteemed colleague Doctah Benway put me awn last yeah on account of mah angina, I believe I have shrunken enough foah me to be up to the task, heh heh heh..." Anita regarded her butt in the mirror and said nothing. | |
Down the dark esophagus of the cave they set, then, our spelunkers five, Old Boar leading the way, his pendulous buttocks jiggling in his fine gabardine trousers, a kerosene lantern swaying in his forepaw... Next up came the two Things, still stumbling a bit with the after-effects of the previous night's festivities, and giggling self-consciously under the matching miner's-helmets which Boar had provided them; The Cat in the Hat followed them, needing no artifical light due to the naturally absurd radiance which emanated from his bewhiskered countenance; And Anita brought up the rear (she didn't want anyone looking at her butt...)
Meanwhile, in the twenty-years-and-counting slumber of Jake, the Tooth
Bitch was strutting back and forth in front of a blackboard, lecturing
Jake on the anomalies of female anatomy. Mr. Tickles ran the overhead
projector, beaming genitally provactive transparencies onto a pull-down
screen. |
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