The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

Chapter 6

     The Story The Authors
Faint whiffs of sulphurous fumes greeted our spelunkers as the passed into the first chamber. It was a long hallway like room about the size and length of a fancy double wide trailer (but without the amenities.) Our intrepid band slogged along a narrow trough down the center filled with a good two inches of yellowish brackish water. At the far end a narrow opening led onward and from which came the incessant gush, drip, and gurgle of water. There was uncomfortable silence among the quintet as they made their way. It'd been only an hour since they'd left the relative comforts of Old Boar's den and the espresso was beginning to work its diuritic magic upon all of them.
Old Boar led the way. "Good Lawd!" he excalimed, "why I declah it smell lahk a Tex-ass bunkhawse aftuh a baked bean dinnah in heah!" and he hurredly doused the kerosene lamp. "Ah sutenly wish Ah had me a cuh-nary 'bout now. Now heads up y'all this nex' openin's a bit narrah. P'haps you Things shud go'head (bein' you's tha smalles')an' shine them lights to lead us on."
Bringing up the rear Anita began inwardly cursing her ancestors for bequeathing her large childbearing hips and counting up every piece of chocolate cake she should've/could've done without.

And somewhere, in a distant dream, Jake was hollering like a tree full of howler-monkeys...

The five explorers came to a bend in the tunnel. No sooner had the vanguard of Things rounded it than they returned, seemingly running for their lives and looking for all the world as if they'd just seen a ghost.

"Jesus, Redd Foxx, Joseph and Mary," they stammered in unison
"We just saw something really SCARY!"

"Wah, y'all is jest a payah o' nambeh-pambehs," declared Boar with a hearty guffaw. "It appeahs ah'll hafta be the one to envestergate this heah distuhbance.." So saying, rolled up his sleeves and entered the darkness of the next segment of tunnel.
Seconds later an even heartier guffaw came out at Anita, Things One and Two, and the Cat in the Hat, followed by Boar's booming voice.
"Y'all come ahn in heah. Ah b'lieve ah've fahnd us a cuh-lue!"
Gosh, a clue, thought Anita. There may be hope for us yet.

Boar held his kerosene lantern aloft, and in the weak yellow light by which it barely managed to illuminate the Stygian blackness of the cave, they saw a skeleton curled up against an outcropping of rock. Silver shackles still encircled its wrists and ankles, and in the cave wall above it, underneath an arrow similar in design to the ones they'd been following all along, were scratched the enigmatic words, "URNS MASK ENEMAS."
"Looks lahk we've found ouah Mistah Ahne Saknussem," said Boar.
"But should we put him in a box?" inquired the Cat in the Hat, who hadn't spoken in an inordinately long time.
"Or should we pause, to lunch on lox?
I've brought the bagels and cream cheese,
So help yourself, do, have some, please!"

Everyone thought that was an incomparably decent idea, and soon enough they were all hunkered down on the floor of the cave, gobbling away, munch-munch-munch, so hungrily, in fact, that they never noticed the sound of footsteps approaching them from the deeper recesses of the cave.

By the time they realized that someone was coming, he was already there aiming a submachine gun at their little impromptu picnic.
"See heah, suh. That's mightuh rude of ya'll to be pointin' that thar weapon at us whilst weuh's tryin tuh eat." said Old Boar.

"You're holding a great big gun, you know
Away our heads it'd surely blow!
So big! So big! So big you see
You could kill that pig, 1-2-3!
But what we are tyin' to figure
Is if your penis isn't bigger.
But most importantly by far
we'd like to know who the hell you are!

Asked Thing One and Thing Two.
"I am Gurn Blansten." said the man with the gun. "And these," he said indicating a group of thugs who had approached unseen and unheard behind our intrepid spelunkers, "Are my assistants."

"I don't like this,
This is no fun."
said the Cat in the Hat
To Thing number One.


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