|The Story||The Authors|
|Falling through total darkness, Jake screamed & feared for his life. After a few seconds, he hit a warm squishy floor. He just happened to have his cigarettes & a lighter in his pocket. He pulled out the lighter to see why the floor felt so strange. He lit it & looked down to the floor & almost threw up in disguse for he saw what he had always feared.|
And then the lights came on. "SURPRISE, JAKE!" screamed his friends and family. |
Jake looked around. There was something fishy about all this. He couldn't put his finger on it (being rather predisposed, shall we say, to putting his finger on other things) He stared hard for a minute from the floor, and then it hit him: they weren't looking at him. And they were older. They'd lost hair, gained weight, grown wrinkles. They were looking in the opposite direction from him. As he took a puzzled drag on his cigarette, he felt a hard nudge in his ribs and looked down to see a familiar two-toned saddle-shoe. "Nyee-hee," larfed Pee Wee. "Bet your just dying to find out what's behind Door Number Three."
"Door Number Three? Whattaya mean?"
"Who I am I, nyee-hee? I'm the Ghost of Masturbation Future! And there, behind that door, witness the specter of yourself..."
The crowwd pushed the door open and over their heads Jake, now standing, saw what appeared to be a bed swathed in an oxygen tent. From within the opened room came a sound like the whirring of ten-thousand fish-pumps, and the distinctly brimstone smell and chugga-chugga-chug-chug-chug of a well-cared-for Model XJM-37 Series Iron Sausage. He gasped. It couldn't be! It just couldn't! Not him, not Jake, no! It was unthinkable...
Beside him, Pee Wee Herman grinned malevolently and let out a horsey snicker...
|Then all of a sudden Pee Wee Turned into this weird looking creature. A cross between a Vampire and Frankenstein. Jake gasped and peed in his pants.He could not believe what was happening here. All the craziness. Where did all these weird creatures come from? From behind the doors of course. They probably made their way here from another dimension and Pee Wee was their Doom Lord. " I have to get the hell out of here, now." So he broke off the leg of his mother's coffee table and said, :" Prepare to die,hellscum." With those words he leaped into the air and stuck the leg into Pee Wee's chest. The beast writhed in agony and let out a monsterous scream that could be heard from miles and miles away. Jake thought this was the end and that he had saved humanity from an invasion from hell. But he was wrong. The stake didn't work. He forgot. This was not just a vampire, but some other form of hell spawn. He was doomed and he knew it. He had to think of something and quick. That was when he thought of the present his dad had given him before he died in a plane crash a few months ago. It was an ectoplasmic ray gun. Just a toy, but what the hell at this rate he would try anything. he ran upstairs and took it out of his closet. " Your ass is mine wormvomit. I'm your worst nightmare. You are gonna wish you never showed up on my frontporch." He ran downstairs.|
The room quivered and returned to shape. "What the fuck was that?" gasped Jake, blinking. |
"An outward manifestation of your sordid interior, Jake."
"I mean, you claim, you complain even, of how much you want a mature, fulfilling relationship with a woman of quality and character, and yet you've done nothing to bring your own libido out of the latent Dungeons-&-Dragons-inspired form it assumed in your early adolescence. And all that violent fantasy -- tut, tut -- you oughta be ashamed. You still get a woody from the sound of a common Iron Sausage..."
Jake felt the white heat of a blush rising to his cheeks. It was true, he couldn't deny it. Pee Wee shook his head sadly -- "You can't say you weren't warned...," then took Jake by the hand and led him through the milling crowd. "Which one do you think you wound up marrying?" giggled Pee Wee impishly.
Still unable to see the prone figure in the bed, Jake scanned the faces and ring-fingers of the women in the room until his eyes rested on a porcine, sobbing figure at one of the plastic flexi-windowsú at the head of the oxygen tent. But no -- no no no no no no no NO! -- it couldn't be, he couldn't have -- he looked at Pee Wee, aghast -- Pee Wee nodded, and grinned, and nodded, and grinned, and Jake's head spun, his stomach bucked, it just wasn't possible, not Rhonda Goldfinkel, not Rhonda Goldfinkel, oh no, no, how could he have, what sickness had led him to such a decision, her parents weren't even that wealthy...?
And as he stood there shaking his head in disbelief, Pee Wee walked over past the shuddering Iron Sausage to the bed and with one deft flick of his wrist unzipped the oxygen tent. "Geee-hyeee, boys and girls! Guess what today's Secret Word is?" He stood back.
Oh no, thought Jake. No. It can't be. It just. Can't. No. I refuse. To believe. That that. Thing. In the bed. Is. Me...