|The Story||The Authors|
Outside the building, Officer Pencilthinmoustache sniffed the myriad odors rolling across the damp night-air and nodded to himself with satisfaction. He was closing in on his quarry. Oh, and what would Scotland Yard say could they but see him now, those scurvy coppers! Green with envy they'd be, aye! And sunk to their noses in porter!|
Oh, the life of a po-o-lice-man, he sang
Is fraught wiv perils enown
Ter freeze th' bra-vest John's bollocks
En senk 'his poor Mum in the groon...
Brushing dust from a pane of glass in the window through which his all-pervading olfactory genius had detected the telltale scents of charred oak, rat urine and lilac, he peered in the the three seated figures and the fourth, who stood, pacing and gesticulating in front of the three. Ah-ha, thought Officer Pencilthinmoustache, nodding smartly to himself for the three-hundredth time that evening. Not only do I catch the rat, but I trap his Superiors too!
|Mike's stomach grumbled ominously. For what seemed to him like the thousandth time he attempted to explain to the Gromelsky Brothers that they must have him mistaken for someone else. He had no idea what they wanted, couldn't help them and had never heard of anything called an Iron Sausage, Tin Sausage, Steel Sausage or a frickin' sausage constructed entirely out of aluminum foil for that matter. #1 : " Methinks the..." #2 : "Lady doth protest..." #3 : "too much." and a concert of snickering was all he received for his trouble. All this sausage talk was getting seriously on his nerves as it conjured up dancing visions of sizzling plates of Jimmy Dean and Sizzlean in his hungry mind. But escape was currently beyond his means. The Gromelsky Brother's reputation for ruthless bloodthirst and an Oriental body guard who was barely smaller around than a forties refrigerator lingering by the exit kept him rooted where he stood. The bodyguard silently sucked his teeth and breathed heavily through two nostrils that you could hide a Buick in. The faint aroma of his sickly sweet lilac cologne hung ominously in the still air. #1: "Come now, Mike..." #2: "this obstinance will..." #3: "get you nowhere." #1: "What have you..." #2: "done with the..." #3: "Iron Sausage?"|
|Shrapnel Mike was just about to deny once again any knowledge of the so called iron sausage when the door flew open and in jumped Officer Pencilthinmoustache with a cry of "What's all this then?" He came to rest a few paces from Shrapnel Mike. "Oy! Ain't you the fellah what kicked me in the 'ead and caused me to start speaking with an english accent?" Mike could only shrug. The oriental body guard, whom Pencilthinmoustache had not see nor smelled, snuck up behind the officer, grabbed him around the neck and held him in a halfnelson. "Enough of this foolishness!" cried the Gromelsky bothers in unison. "Give us the Iron Sausage or Peaches will break both of your necks!"|
|"Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of Joseph" trembled Officer Pencilthinmoustache,"The Iron Sausage! That's what this all about? Oh sweet Jesus! We're doomed!" and with that last burst of sentiment so did Officer Pencilthinmoustache's bladder burst forth into his trousers and add his own stench of urine to that of the rats'and the burnt cork and the sweet lilac perfume of Peaches. The Brothers Gromelsky broke into a wide grin that began with right ear of the first and finished itself towards the left ear of the third. #1 : "Allow us..." #2 : "to introduce...." #3 : "ourselves." they began, but they needn't have bothered. Officer Pencilthinmoustache had already fainted dead away.|
|The room filled with a warm golden light and man sporting a white robe and a beard materialized in the corner of the room. "Did someone call me?" the mysterious man asked. "Jesus Christ! Where did you come from?" The Gromelsky Brothers exclaimed. "From Heaven, shit for brains! Where the hell else would Jesus Christ be coming from! I swear to Buddha, you humans get stupider every millenia." Jesus said, shaking his haloed head. "Well, which one of you assholes summoned me and what do you want? I'm a busy savior and I don't have time to waste on you insects." After a short moment of stunned silence Shrapnel Mike spoke up. "Well, your holiness, it was that guy there." Mike said indicating officer Pencilthinmoustache who was still unconcious. "Only he wasn't really calling you. He was just very shocked to find out that those three brothers over there are looking for the Iron Sausage." Jesus opened his eyes wide. "The Iron Sausage? Sweet Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu! I'm outa here!" Jesus threw up his arms and disappeared in a puff of smoke.|