|The Story||The Authors|
|Along the coastlines of the seven seas, Coast Guard operators snoozed at their silent receivers, while somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, and somewhere in the stormy North Atlantic, and somewhere in the peaceful ebb-tide waters off the quaint seaside town of D'ormouse, California, a hagfish plucked children from their swimming-lessons and devoured them one by one, a yacht spun in the spectral clutches of a waterspout, another tempest-tossed Love Boat pounded out its frantic SOS to avail and went down without a trace.|
|"Quick get Dr. Smack," invoked Tiki "she’s got something in her throat!" "So do I," gurgled Bitzy as she spun Dimetrius around on his back on the slick linoleum. By now Dimetrius was dizzy and Bitsy was sated. Dr. Smack arrived and noting the strange sounds coming from Janice’s throat made a thorough examination. Again with cryptograms on the wall and a series of grunts, Dr. Smack came to a conclusion which he detailed on a roll of Charmin from the toilet. Janice had partially swallowed her dental retainer. Because it was made from two dissimilar metals, was reacting with the acid from her digestive tract creating an electrical reaction. This was for some reason interfering with the defective CAT scanner in treatment room 71 and combined with the broken surgical light in the adjoining surgery suite and was broadcasting a powerful radio signal which was being broken intermittently by the flexing of Janice’s esophagus. The signals were being interpreted as morse code and were wholly unrelated to Inspector Morse on PBS. Not only did Janice have hands better than steel but she could talk to all the ships at sea! Janice instantly knew she had a mission to save mankind.|
And foolish Dr. Smack -- who didn't really believe in karma in the first place -- imagined that the karma for the dead at sea would settle like heaped kelp upon the shoulders of our poor, recently reconstructed Janice, and not on his own.|
This mistake was to prove fatal for some.
But for now, he skipped the length of the second storey to his dressing-room and put on his treasured Dastardly Dan costume. Standing before a full-length mirror, with the black suit, the black boots, the black silk cape ("to inspire fear into the hearts of enemies!") and the great rumpled black stovepipe hat and the cane with the sword hidden inside of it, he regarded himself. "Look at me," he gloated, "I am so evil. So motherfriggin' e-v-i-l-l. So evil I get two ll's in my evil, cuz one just ain't enough..." He gloated. Struck poses. Treasured the outline of his package in the tight, Spanish-cut trousers, and finally unveiled his hideous, evil laugh, the cluck of doom. "Nyuck-yuck-yuck-yuck-yuck," he boomed. "Mooo heee heee ho ho ha ha."
Just then the doorbell rang.
|It was Sam the mailman at the door. Sam took one look at Dr. Smack in his Dastardly Dan ensemble and was overcome with lust. "I would like to serve you tea you NOW!" said Sam|
|The ladies sent away the mailman, locked the door, and they are making tea. The climate becomes hot. On the ladies' bossom tighted the fine, easy silk, and they sighes deep.|
|Within moments, their thoughts turn to erotic fantasies.|
|And in their dreams their eyes rise on fibrous stalks out of and above their wrinkled sockets, like the eyes of curious fiddler-crabs rooting about the shreds of detritus and decay at the bottom of a tide-pool.|
|For it is thus that they survey each other from their respective corners, unbridled lust notwithstanding -- they are as wrestlers circling each other in the ring, and their love-making shall involve neither tenderness nor playfulness nor love, but shall instead be as two crabs beneath a kelp-forest, circling the scant rotten remains clinging to an old clam-shell -- or as the two wrestlers, and the moment climax shall consist not of moans and ecstacies as we have come to think of them, but of headlocks, hammer-holds, row-boats, chicken-wing grips, leg-vises, sumo flips, and the ultimate pin. Winners will beeligible for WWF and/or American Gladiator National Semi-Finals, broadcast live on ESPN. See your TV Guide for exact times and further details.|