Chapter 2
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Xerxes Slapped Sophocles. "Dammit Man, We Need You Here!" Sophocles Mumbled Something About Ebert's Bowels And Turned Over, Snuggling Closer To His Blanket. | |
| "Them boyz is gett'n a might testy" thought Vashondra, "Ah knows just what they need." She reached into her ledgedary doo and pulled out an enormous shaker and with one hand on the wheel, saw that everyone in the big S Class Mercedes has a perfectly mixed martini. Immediately, Sophocles and Xerxes slumpped into somnolence. As quiet returned to the backseat, Henri Paul began to fidgit, it was only 15 km to Paris he hoped that Vashondra would trust him enough to accept the directions he was going to give to the Ritz Hotel. It was vital she trust his word. | |
| She shouted: "I hate your underwear!It eats oranges and porridge and drinks peanuts! It terrorises orange purplecakes!go away, foul gateux of the night!" | |
| Xerxes started to eat poridge for its underwear and screamed: "lisejfoksejr iwjelrjskdfjlkdsjfklsjf lsjdflksdlkkkkj; Es; lkgshfgjs; lfgjs nls; lfkgsdf gjslkg jlskjgskf | |
| ..." Sometimes Xerxes would go into epileptic fits. | |
| but who cares? said the bloated lady about to give birth. take me to a hospital, and soon she demanded stomping foot to floor with seismic reverberations. labor intensive am i. to breath in and breath out, pray huff and push and huff and push. yes such is my mantra. the mantra of life giving new life and so on and so forth. yes. | |
| "Wait!" screamed Janice. "I'm about to give birth to another plot complication!" | |
| Luckily, It Was Quite A Short Birth. Her Water Broke Almost Immediately, Hilariously Splashing Everyone Else In A Clever Sight Gag. A Couple Minutes Later And POP! Out Came The Bouncing Baby.. Wait.. What The Hell Is It? My God! It's Horrible! It's... | |
| a lot of piffle. | |
| Hello i am xerxes. | |
| Xerxes ate oranges and shouted...Ok! Who's been eating beans? | |
| He was obviously suffering from tourette's. | |
| It was likely a result of a combination of a shallow gene pool, the Prestone he continuously rubbed into his pompadour and scalp and (most importantly) the rancid oatmeal he ate while in his underwear. Xerxes recovered from his brief and furious mental lapse and discovered where he was. He was being hustled onto a Eurotrain headed for Paris. Their new companion Henri Paul was nervously chewing his lip and staring out of the window. Vashondra sat across from Xerxes and was busily tidying her beehive to its usual mammoth porportions -- the interior of the train was thick with hairspray fumes. Junie was here too with nasty navy blue stiches running from her armit to her shoulder -- Xerxes made a mental note to ask her about them once he was dressed and the porridge was cleaned out of his underwear. Occaisionally, the world would blur and run together and he would feel the urge to shriek, dance and scream about people named Len and Seth -- something about a passport and.... homicide.... The train sped to its destination... Paris. | |
| But it derailed and crashed into a steel reinforced pylon a la Princess Di before it reached the city of lights. Xerxes died on impact. Junie suffered yet another whiplash, whereas Vashondra was decapitated and her beehived head flew off onto the back of a passing vegetable truck. Out of the wreckage, the only survivor emerged... | |
| Kate awoke with a shock. It was one of those bizarre moments when you don't realize that you were asleep... reality and dream meld and merge into fantasy, a momentary world apart. "Vashondra, what the hell did you put in those martinis?" Kate almost shouted, "you trying to preserve us like vanilla beans, sweetheart?" "Honey yo don't know thuh half of it!" Vanshondra laughed as she wheeled the big Merc into Place Vendome. The little man between them stirred and then gazed awestruck as they pulled into the forecourt of the Ritz Hotel. "I cannot believe ‘sis you have found it but how? " marveled Henri Paul. Vanshondra cackled at the little man’s amazement. Of course she knew the Ritz . It had once been her home but that is another plot line. "Pleez I must meet my lady…. you will not leave wis mon voiture will you not?" prattled a clearly nervous Henri Paul. " Don you fret l’ll darl’n I’ll meet you at the back door in 20 min, bye y’all " boomed Vashondra as Kate let the little man out. "Let’s get rid of these dorks in the backseat right now while we’re at it.’ sneered Kate. Vashndra wheeled the big Mercedes into the Rue Cambon and motored up to the infamous Back Door of the Ritz. | |
| A glowing angel surrounded by teensy cherubs converged upon them. "Dear children, you were not dreaming. You are, in fact, dead. Kaput. You are now mere spirits of the great, vast Nada'ness. And you should be glad, for you this is a move upwards from the Nonsensical Boring'ness you inhabited to a higher plane of existance: the Plane of the Has Been's. Take care, dear children, and GET OVER IT!" The angel gathered up her consorts and faded out of view. | |
| "Well, that was strange," Junie remarked as the angel floated away in the distance, narrowly missing the Eiffel Tower. Xerxes Thoughtfully scratched his chin (which was slick with Prestone)and said, almost to himself: "Yesss.... it almost seems like someone is trying to kill us..." "You mean someone besides Sir Selwin Quicksand?" Kate blurted around a martini glass. Xerxes nodded, hand slipping off his chin and bouncing off the side of his head. "Yes, there is now a greater evil out there and it's after us." Henri Paul danced imaptiently as the overgroomed group stood and pondered great evils in cherub's clothing. "We must 'urry! My destinee whaits beyond le porte!!" He shrieked. Vashondra pushed the back door of the Ritz open and the groups tepped inside. | |
| A Smarmy Looking French Man In A Suit Stood Behind The Expansive Front Desk. Xerxes Dispatched Of Him Rather Quickly. Although He Didn't Like To Kill, It Just Felt Plain Good To Kill French People. Walking Around The Desk, He Kicked The Corpse For Good Measure. "Which Keys Will We Need ?" He Asked, Absently Stomping On The Dead Man's Ribs. "No Need.. When You've Got THIS!" Kate Brandished The Mortar She Had Found Somewhere Along The Way. Xerxes Shrugged, And The Party Moved To Enter The Elevator. | |
| Kate despaired. | |
| While they waited for the elevator the thought of another fruitless bloodbath like the one at the sorority house seemed somehow boring. No, this time it was different. Hanging back, Kate grabbed Vanshondra by her doo and yanked her sharply out of the elevator just at the doors closed. All hell broke loose inside but no one could find the right button as the car now moved aloft, stopping at every floor. Their leaders were gone Xerxes and Sophecles were alone and armed to the teeth. There was no one to tell them what to do so they just rode until all the little lights were extinguished. Vashondra squawked, "Yo mah doo!" Kate wheeled her around and they headed for the infamous back door of Ritz and where they immediately encountered Henri Paul helping an exceptionally beautiful woman into the back of the Mercedes. They piled into the back with her. She screamed, in clipped tones, "Gawd are you terrorists?" The little dark man who was in the car before she entered sank back into one corner in fright. "Don’t you worry yo’self hohney" cooed Vashondra, "yo with the M Squad… the Martini Squad and we is shaken some big time" "Oh smashing I love Martinis, buckets and buckets of Martinis…. Oh such fun, such fun we shall have all such fun!" tittered the beauty, "My name’s Di what’s yours?" Henri Paul slid behind the wheel and the big Mercedes hurtled down the Rue Cambon. | |
| Meanwhile, In The Elevator, Sophocles Was Sitting In The Corner Crying To Himself While Xerxes Paced In What Little Available Space There Was. "Thinking They Can Just Abandon Us.. Dump Us Like So Many Other Characters.. Use Us For A Bit, Then Just Dispose Of Us When Somebody Wants The Plot To Take A Different Path.. And Dammit, I Wanted Another Fruitless Bloodbath, Whatever The Heck That Is!" Xerxes Was Pissed. "Get Up, You Moron.. We've Got Some Main Character Hiney To Kick! This Is Gonna Be For Everybody Who's Ever Been Dumped In A Story!" A Few Swift Kicks To The Liver Convinced Sophocles To Get Up And See His Point Of View. With A Shaking Hand, Xerxes Pressed The Shiny Red Button Marked "Parking". Downwards Lay A New Car, And A New Subplot. | |
| Bolting from the elevator in a testosterone fog, Xerxes and Sophocles attacked the first vehicle they saw. It was a white Fiat Uno. A tin box if ever there was one. It had none of the luxury features of Xerxes Izuzu back home although it did have cup holders. Hot wiring the ignition they clattered out into the Paris night and just caught a very distant view of the Mercedes as it turned toward the Seine and the Pont d'Alma and its date with destiny. Meanwhile in the back seat the party was raging as Henri Paul, a Martini in one hand, picked up speed. Still, the little white Fiat was gaining surprisingly quickly. | |
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| Somehow, This Whole Situation Seemed Slightly Familiar To Kate. She Had The Strongest Sense Of Deja Vu, And Couldn't Think Clearly In That Direction. She'd Press Up As Close As Possible, Waves Of Morbidity Flowing Past Her, But Eventually She'd Lose Her Train Of Thought And Start At The Beginning. Vashondra's Martini's Weren't Helping Much Either. After About The Third Trip Into The Recesses Of Her Mind, She Decided To Open The Sunroof And Stand Up, Letting The Wind Rush Through Her Hair. She Saw The Bridge, And Remembered. She Had To Stop The Car, Or At Least Get it To Slow Down! She Was Just Ducking Down To Get her Head Back In The Car When A Large Ford Truck Plowed Into The Side Of The Car. Luckily, It Hit Off Center, And Just Sent The Car Into A Spin. The Driver Immediately Hit The Brakes, And They Stopped Just Short Of The Bridge. The Disaster Had Been Diverted By Xerxes And Sophocles In A Stolen Car, And They Were Pissed! | |
| At least it felt like a large Ford truck but then there are precious few Ford trucks in Paris so why would one be running into them now? Kate’s faculties were clearly compromised by the deceptive clarity of Vashondra’s muscle bound martinis. She slumped down into the car and then realized that it wasn’t a truck it was the little Egyptian friend of this Diana woman, in a drunken stupor, trying to change the track on the CD player. "Stop trying to run up my skirts you little shit," snarled Kate, "get back in your corner you spineless weasel person." At just this moment the Fiat with Xerxes at the wheel and Sophocles in the back with his mortar pulled up on the right. Henri Paul reacted instinctively and pulled hard to the left to cut of the econo-box Fiat and forestall the consequences of a mortar round in the tunnel they had now entered. Except of course that the Fiat was on the right and now Henri Paul realizing his error, pulled back across the lane and into the Fiat. "Yo nuts l’ll funny talkin man… what ‘n hell yo trying to do?" raged Vanshondra, "I do the martini mix’n hohnay yo drive!" And with those final words the now seriously unbalanced Mercedes hit the post in the Alma tunnel and spun to a stop! Xerxes and Sophocles were stunned as they came to a stop. Kate and Vashondra emerged from the steaming wreck- each with a perfectly mixed martini. | |
| Sophocles Gibbered To Himself In The Backseat Of The Fiat. His Already Strained Little Backwoods Mind Was Now Being Pushed To The Breaking Point. It Wasn't Clear To Him What He Was Doing Anymore. Until Scant Seconds Ago He Had Thought He Was In The Ford Truck, But Now He Was In A Completely Different Car. And Instead Of Them Hitting The Mercedes And Sending It Into A Spin, Something Completely Random Had Happened, And Suddenly It Was Something To Do With An Egyptian And CD's. Life Had Simpler Before Xerxes Had Dragged Him Into Whatever The Heck Was Going On. At First He Thought the Business With The College Girls And Japanese Businessmen Had Been Fun, But All The Blatant Plot Holes And Deus Ex Machina Were Beginning To Stress The Limits Of His Reality. | |
| Xerxes had concussed his head against the C pillar of the Fiat Uno and was only now comprehending this new reality. He’d seen these two women before and now they were standing next to this smoking wreck in front of him. Then it was clear. There were photographers all around them now and it looked like the other folks in the Mercedes were in bad shape. At least he could hear the emergency vehicles in the distance. Kate and Vashonra tottered over to the Fiat, "Hi boys, yo go’n somewhere?" murmured Vashondra, "we kinda need a lift." Sophocles without thinking much, as was his pattern, opened the rear hatch and Kate and Vashondra tumbled inside. Xerxes knew that they could not be found here. Clearly there were going to be too many gendarmes for comfort. How he wanted to be back home. He gunned the Fiat and with its legendary Italian fuel economy they raced for Marseilles arriving late in the evening of the following day. The guard at the container terminal was pre occupied with some funeral on his LCD pocket television (SECAM) and didn’t notice the Fiat enter the compound. There standing with its doors open was a container emblazoned with the message, "Toxic America Inc. return for deposit" They drove in and Kate pulled the big doors shut behind them. Eight days later they drove out of the container at the Toxic America facility in Botulism County. Xerxes was home. The French authorities would never find the white Fiat which was now dissolving in the bottom of an environmental friendly containment lagoon behind the Toxic America plant. Xerxes, Sophocles, Kate and Vashonra were free at last to start over. | |
| Unfortunately, the cancer inside each of them spontaneously ate them from the inside out. So much for starting over, however, the happy little cancers hopped along through the grass towards the sunset, in search of more victoms. | |
| "Victoms" were a peculiar and as yet unidentified bacteriological organism which had been evolving in the Environmentally Friendly containment pond behind the Toxic America Plant. "Victoms" would prove to be resistant to every anti biotic compound known to mankind. But still, it was a lovely evening | |
| And, fortunately, small poodles were not classified as anti-biotic compounds. | |
| Because the jello will get old and stale and moldy if you dont eat it now . FASTER, FASTER said the mountain the elf is on my tail. the red moose disagreed violently and shook his head to show his disagreement. Stop? STOP? STOP? STOP? the forest is on fire said the poodle. | |
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yes. no. | |