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Chapter 1

The Story The Authors

Kate spat in right in his face, 'take that you pompous tub o' guts' she screamed, and turned her full attention back to keeping the car from flying off the cliff. In the back seat Junie saw her life flashing before her eyes . . . . Masser Jones

Of course in all the confusion with the phone calls and the Prestone streaming from the radiator over the windscreen, the Mustang's motor had seized several minutes ago and they were going nowhere. Not even over a cliff. Junie had concealed herself in the back of the Margaret Thatcher Enterprise Academy catering lorry by submerging herself in a forty gallon barrel of pickeled herring and was now seriously dehydrated and delusional. Junie needed help. Sir Selwin Quicksand wiped Kate's spittal from his visage and removed the bull whip from his belt. Kate only now began to realise the Mustang was now stationary. Kate needed a plan and needed it fast. Sophecles awoke and asked, "Are we there yet?" Ignacious

Junie coughed a herring out of her mouth and said 'Pass me the mash potatoes, and where's the gravy baby?'. Kate pondered this thought, before adding 'You silly bitch'. Sophecles gazed out the window and saw a passer-by, he had a T-shirt with 'Dormin' on it. Sophecles shouted at him 'Where are we?'. The stranger replied 'My name is Nick you WILL be my friend'. Kate was very pissed off now. Then she realised that all she had to do was to reverse the polarity of the engine and they'd be on their way again! Although that would mean leaving the car and facing the treacherous Nick... Po

"Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action! Ignacious

"Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action! Ignacious

Kate stopped her fingers snaking around the door handle. She felt a small tingle in the base of her spine as she heard a hiss from the 8 track player and then a small voice chanting "conjunction junction, what's your function?" timba

The voice was the voice of Hermosita Bellweather, Kate's grade six teacher who had made her life hell. When she heard this voice she knew she had forgotted her meds... again! The tingle at the base of her spine was Sophecles in the back seat. Kate turned to her left, rose slightly from her seat and gave Sophecles a sharp smack up the side of his head. "Watch it, Bucko", she intoned as she slid back into the seat. Crack! Sir Seldwin's bull whip reached out and curled around the floor shifter beside Kate. She reacted instinctively and grabbed the thick round leather pulling Sir Selwin off his feet and into her lap. "So's you wanna play rough you Pommie bastard, you don't know what rough is!" laughed Kate in her deep falsetto. Quickly she trussed the trembling Catering Headmaster and rolled him out onto the ground. "OK gang we need another vehicle let's vamoose!" Ignacious

The Story	The Authors
Kate spat in right in his face, 'take that you pompous tub o' guts' she screamed, and turned her full attention back to keeping the car from flying off the cliff. In the back seat Junie saw her life flashing before her eyes . . . .	Masser Jones
Of course in all the confusion with the phone calls and the Prestone streaming from the radiator over the windscreen, the Mustang's motor had seized several minutes ago and they were going nowhere. Not even over a cliff. Junie had concealed herself in the back of the Margaret Thatcher Enterprise Academy catering lorry by submerging herself in a forty gallon barrel of pickeled herring and was now seriously dehydrated and delusional. Junie needed help. Sir Selwin Quicksand wiped Kate's spittal from his visage and removed the bull whip from his belt. Kate only now began to realise the Mustang was now stationary. Kate needed a plan and needed it fast. Sophecles awoke and asked, "Are we there yet?"	Ignacious
Junie coughed a herring out of her mouth and said 'Pass me the mash potatoes, and where's the gravy baby?'. Kate pondered this thought, before adding 'You silly bitch'. Sophecles gazed out the window and saw a passer-by, he had a T-shirt with 'Dormin' on it. Sophecles shouted at him 'Where are we?'. The stranger replied 'My name is Nick you WILL be my friend'. Kate was very pissed off now. Then she realised that all she had to do was to reverse the polarity of the engine and they'd be on their way again! Although that would mean leaving the car and facing the treacherous Nick...	Po
"Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action!	Ignacious
"Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action!	Ignacious
Kate stopped her fingers snaking around the door handle. She felt a small tingle in the base of her spine as she heard a hiss from the 8 track player and then a small voice chanting "conjunction junction, what's your function?"	timba
The voice was the voice of Hermosita Bellweather, Kate's grade six teacher who had made her life hell. When she heard this voice she knew she had forgotted her meds... again! The tingle at the base of her spine was Sophecles in the back seat. Kate turned to her left, rose slightly from her seat and gave Sophecles a sharp smack up the side of his head. "Watch it, Bucko", she intoned as she slid back into the seat. Crack! Sir Seldwin's bull whip reached out and curled around the floor shifter beside Kate. She reacted instinctively and grabbed the thick round leather pulling Sir Selwin off his feet and into her lap. "So's you wanna play rough you Pommie bastard, you don't know what rough is!" laughed Kate in her deep falsetto. Quickly she trussed the trembling Catering Headmaster and rolled him out onto the ground. "OK gang we need another vehicle let's vamoose!"	Ignacious

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