Chapter 1
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Junie paused as she rushed towards the stainless steel door. There was this matter with her missing arm that lay next to the operating table. Well, it wasn't really missing -- it was right there, but it wasn't much use to her lying there like a rump roast. And then there were all these people around in surgical garb... surely they could do something.... Junie walked over to the good doctor that lay curled in a fetal postion on the floor. She kicked him over and took the gun out his holster. She cocked it and aimed it at the crowd of nurses and assistants. "Who's the surgeon here?" The group, standing like pale green penguins pointed at the doctor moaning softly into the floor. "Shit," Junie hissed. "Okay... grab that arm. We're going to Tim Horton's. all of us." She waved the group towards the door. They obediently filed towards the door. "Wait." Junie said. "Who doesn't have any cash?" Two of the green-clad assistants put up their hands. Junie pulled the trigger four times. Four ounces of hot lead thumped into the cashless assistants. "You're all buying, right?" she said and waved the gun. The was one, unanimous nod. Then they exited the operating theatre. | |
| Thankfully, they arrived at the donut shop at a slow time. There were a few coffee drinkers and crueller-munchers in the corners, but that was it. Junie prodded the gang of nurses and assistants towards the counter. The total bill came to $317.96. "Oh wait," Junie said as the crowd was carrying the donuts and coffee away. "How much would it cost to reattach this?" Junie waved the dismembered arm at the acne-infested clerk. "I dunno, ma'am." His pimply voice erupted. "I'd have to get the manager." Fortunately, the manager could sew a mean stitch and there was plenty of fishing line and duct tape around the shop to perform such an operation. Junie was offered to be put under a general anaesthetic but she refused, citing that she couldn't trust that "gang of bastards". She was placed under a local and the manager went to work. Junie shoved double-chocolate donuts into her face with her free hand. While she ate, she mused on the day. First she lost a dollar, then her arm and then some sick quack of a doctor spooged on her. This was a day for comfort food if there was one. She'd have to tell Voshandra what kind of day she was having. Say.... where is Voshandra, anyway? | |
| Junie decided to call Vashondra on her cell phone. While the manager was putting the final stitches in her arm, she retrieved the phone out of her purse and then laid it on the glass donut case so she could dial the number. She began to realize how much we take our limbs for granted. Kate picked up the car phone in Vashondra's Mustang. "Where is Vashondra?" Junie asked coolly for she never liked Kate and resented her friendship with Vashondra. "She's driving and making martinis. Do you want me to give her a message?" said Kate with equal coolness. "Yes, tell her to pick me up at Tim Horton's." Junie said. "Of course, I'll tell her sweetie." Kate said smugly and hung up the phone. "Who was that?" Vashondra asked as she passed martinis to Xerxes and Sophocles in the back seat. "Oh, wrong number." Kate shrugged and accepted a martini from Vashondra with a wry smile. | |
| Junie took the "Tim Horton" reference as a warning and hit the redial. She was a gifted mimic and it was no trouble to sound like a mutual fund representative. Kate couldn't stand nuissance calls and handed the phone to Vashondra at the first mention of hog bellies. Vashondra had just uttered her third sentence when the Margaret Thatcher Enterprise Catering lorry appeared in the rear view mirror. Xerxes had been admiring the effect the Prestone, streaming off the top of windshield. was having on his pompadour when he saw the van in the cracked glass. It the mirror it looked as if Sir Selwin Quicksand was driving on the right just like in America. But he wasn't and he was gaining fast. | |
| "oh shit and I have to go to the bathroom too. step on it!" she shouted. They veered into a winding country road that just happened to be there, at the edge of a cliff and all. "Damnit! Don't you know how to drive? Gimme that wheel." Kate lunged for the steering wheel and accidently jabbed Vashondra with her boney elbow. "Watch the 'do!" she shrieked. The car started to swerve this way and that, arms and legs all tangled up. Junie stuck her head out and admired the scenery. "Uh, looks like he's gaining." Kate took a moment to pay attention to where she was going and stuck her head out the window, only to find Sir Quicksand's face right next to hers. "Pardon me, have you any Grey Poupon?" he said in a pompous tone. | |
| Kate spat in right in his face, 'take that you pompous tub o' guts' she screamed, and turned her full attention back to keeping the car from flying off the cliff. In the back seat Junie saw her life flashing before her eyes . . . . | |
| Of course in all the confusion with the phone calls and the Prestone streaming from the radiator over the windscreen, the Mustang's motor had seized several minutes ago and they were going nowhere. Not even over a cliff. Junie had concealed herself in the back of the Margaret Thatcher Enterprise Academy catering lorry by submerging herself in a forty gallon barrel of pickeled herring and was now seriously dehydrated and delusional. Junie needed help. Sir Selwin Quicksand wiped Kate's spittal from his visage and removed the bull whip from his belt. Kate only now began to realise the Mustang was now stationary. Kate needed a plan and needed it fast. Sophecles awoke and asked, "Are we there yet?" | |
| Junie coughed a herring out of her mouth and said 'Pass me the mash potatoes, and where's the gravy baby?'. Kate pondered this thought, before adding 'You silly bitch'. Sophecles gazed out the window and saw a passer-by, he had a T-shirt with 'Dormin' on it. Sophecles shouted at him 'Where are we?'. The stranger replied 'My name is Nick you WILL be my friend'. Kate was very pissed off now. Then she realised that all she had to do was to reverse the polarity of the engine and they'd be on their way again! Although that would mean leaving the car and facing the treacherous Nick... | |
| "Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action! | |
| "Nick..schmick" coughed Sir Selwin as he uncoiled his whip and stepped back from the steaming Mustang. Raising the beautifully tooled handle in a graceful arc above his head, Sir Selwin brought it down with measured force. The metres of heavily oiled black leather attached to the hilt, now roiled into the air and a fierce crack as Frankie Vallee moved into yet another hit on the never ending 8 track. Everyone in the car froze in place. Another long finger of black leather reached out and grasped the remaining wiper and cruelly yanked it from its spindle in a clattering spray of now congealing chicken ala king. The dancing wiper glanced perilously close to Vashondras awesome "doo" "Sheeat" she hissed through her fluorescent waxen lips, "yo beah careful with that piece of cattle floss yo heah!" Kate moved her left hand onto the passenger door handle beneath the armrest. This babe was poised for action! | |
| Kate stopped her fingers snaking around the door handle. She felt a small tingle in the base of her spine as she heard a hiss from the 8 track player and then a small voice chanting "conjunction junction, what's your function?" | |
| The voice was the voice of Hermosita Bellweather, Kate's grade six teacher who had made her life hell. When she heard this voice she knew she had forgotted her meds... again! The tingle at the base of her spine was Sophecles in the back seat. Kate turned to her left, rose slightly from her seat and gave Sophecles a sharp smack up the side of his head. "Watch it, Bucko", she intoned as she slid back into the seat. Crack! Sir Seldwin's bull whip reached out and curled around the floor shifter beside Kate. She reacted instinctively and grabbed the thick round leather pulling Sir Selwin off his feet and into her lap. "So's you wanna play rough you Pommie bastard, you don't know what rough is!" laughed Kate in her deep falsetto. Quickly she trussed the trembling Catering Headmaster and rolled him out onto the ground. "OK gang we need another vehicle let's vamoose!" | |
| Sir Selwin shrieked and wheezed as he thrashed on the pavement. "You won't win this time!! I swear!! As soon as I get out of this, you're all gonna pay!!" A thin trickle of drool dribbled from the corner of his mouth as he screamed . Vashondra paid little attention to him than to the collection of cars that lined the street. Sir Selwin's catering lorrey was a wreck, the Mustang which Vashondra and co. was a disaster, save for the 8-track that played endless Franky Valley (though it was beginning to sound a bit warbly)tunes. Xerxes was scooping handfuls of Prestone off the hood of the Mustang and rubbing it into his pompadour, believing the sticky green goo was some kind of youth elixir. Vashondra looked around the street and her eyes lighted on just the right vehicle for this rag-tag collection of over-groomed souls.... | |
| It had just turned the corner. It was big and black with a finish like a mirror. Vashondra was immediately taken by the cute, shiny different looking chromed star within a circle centered on the bonnet. "A pair of those would be bitch'n earings with my doo!" she mused as she stepped into the street and forced the driver to stop. "Yo sure have a fine set of whehuls there," she intoned as she sidled up to the drivers window, "unhuh yo know the meaning of carjack, sweetheart?" The driver looked at her without any sign of comprehension. "Please, Madame, I must go, vite vite, Madam I must get to Paris, sseeze voiture how you say... car must be on the Eurostar train this very afternoon and there ees no time...I must go now" the driver pleaded in a heavy accent. Vashondra reached in the window, and grabbing the keys called out, "Hey y'all this is our ticket to Paris!" As Sir Selwin drooled onto the asphalt, everyone who had been in the Mustang piled into the black Mercedes. The driver was now between Vashondra, at the wheel and Kate who was riding shotgun. "Now we is all frehnds heah, yo beehave and yo is our friend too!" cooed Vanshondra. "Honeh now whats your name? Come on speak up yo little funny talk'n man." she continued in a low giggle. "Mon nom, my name ees, Henri Paul et I must get to Paris by tonight!" croaked the little man. "Don't yo worry nut'n honeh!" assured Vanshondra. Kate just napped. The black Mercedes pushed on to the channel terminus for the Eurostar train. | |
| love crazy sin | |
| Is like the red sun that burns your skin. | |
| Yet if you put sunscreen it's not so bad. THat is until you go to take a shower and find red bubbly blisters popping out of back. Ha Ha Ha you were had!!! | |
| These thoughts plagued him on his way to the complex. On arrival he stopped his car at the gates and waved his pass at the guard. He had known Len for 3 years now but every morning the man took his pass out of it's wallet and scratched at the face of it with his thumbnail, checking for forgery. This annoyed Seth more than anything about his daily work and he often spent hours dreaming up different ways of killing Len. | |
| Xerxes awoke with a start as the Mercedes drove onto the train for the trip to France. "That was a really wierd dream," he mused, "what's with this Seth and Len any ways?" Vashondra and Kate had made it clear that one false move and the funny talk'n little man, this "Henri Paul" wouldn't make it to France let alone out of the tunnel. The train began to move and Henri Paul spoke, "What are you making to do avec moi?" "You see I must get to Paris to the Ritz Hotel... I have a very important appointment". Vashondra yawned at the little weasel of a man. Kate remarked cooly, "I don't mind the Ritz or its crackers you're staying with us sweetheart/" Soon they were on the autoroute to Paris and a rendezvous that would convulse the world. | |
| Xerxes awoke with a start as the Mercedes drove onto the train for the trip to France. "That was a really wierd dream," he mused, "what's with this Seth and Len any ways?" Vashondra and Kate had made it clear that one false move and the funny talk'n little man, this "Henri Paul" wouldn't make it to France let alone out of the tunnel. The train began to move and Henri Paul spoke, "What are you making to do avec moi?" "You see I must get to Paris to the Ritz Hotel... I have a very important appointment". Vashondra yawned at the little weasel of a man. Kate remarked cooly, "I don't mind the Ritz or its crackers you're staying with us sweetheart/" Soon they were on the autoroute to Paris and a rendezvous that would convulse the world. | |
| Oh, how pathetic we've become. | |
| Sitting..On A Pile Of Fresh Lawn Clippings..Look Down For Feet..No Feet..Ice Cream Buckets..Mmmm..Vanilla..Reach For Them..Too Far..Jamie Farr..Must Get Them..Walk Over..Damn..No Feet..sophocles..Sophocles..SOPHOCLES! "WHAT?" Xerxes Finally Managed To Awake Sophocles. "You Were Having A Nightmare, Man!" | |
| Why Can't Anything Go Here? | |
| "What The Hell Are You Talking About, Sophocles? Maybe I Should Have Let You Sleep Some More And Get Killed By The Relentless Zombies, Instead Of Spouting Nonsense!" Shouted Xerxes, Shaking Sophocles Rather Forcibly. | |
| What i say is going on? | |
| buddists dancing in circles like an indian rain dance. They chant wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. They sing loudly in the rain forest. | |