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Chapter 5

     The Story The Authors
"What?!? You're Saying That The Only Way For me To Get Out Of This Dogforsaken Ditch Is For Some Moron And A Naked Lady In An Izuzu To Come Careening Out Of Nowhere And Hit Me?!?" She Gasped Back. Jesse
That's right you snot-nosed baffoon. Now deal with it and go get those darn rigamaroles out of the garden before the camels come and spit into the well of fortune. You know how your father gets if he doesn't have his prune juice. Binky
Now Mary-Jo (wasn't there a Mary-Jo somewhere in the story) was all set on sitting down to a nice meal of split-pea soup and soda crackers when all of a sudden she hears this crackle. The same kind of crackle you hear when you try to burn too much cracker jacks in a tiny kettle mind you. She looked around in haste and discovered to her horror that her once well and talking mouse had consumed her favorite Michael Bolton cd. "Oh you horrid, horrid brute you! Can't you see that all I want is some peace and quiet and here you go and start chewing on a cd. And not just any had to be my favorite!" And with that she picked it up by it's tail and was about to throw it out the window when all of a sudden it's tail fell off. Lunch Lady
She took the mouse tail and hastily sewed it into her luscious blond wig, the wig she used to use in her male impersonation act during the michael bolton set. of course, now that he had cut his hair and begun to sing covers, this wig, indeed the entire artistic creation she used to call simply "the show," had become a pathetic, irrelevant, throwback to the early 90s. thumbelina
All Her Other Drag King Friends Had Always Asked Her Why She Did Michael Bolton. She Used To Tell Them She Liked Him Because His Bland Singing Style And Horrible Music Didn't Get The Patrons Too Rowdy. She Remembered The "New Kids On The Block Impersonator Strip-O-Rama" Fiasco All Too Well.. The Visions Of Her Best Friend "Blanche" In Her Donny Make Up (really a frankenstein mask, same diff) Getting Torn Apart By The Horde Of Lusting Eleven Year Old Girls And Forty Year Old Perverts. The Hideous Sounds As All The Fans Tried To "Bring Home A Piece Of Their Favorite Musician" Haunted Her To This Day.. Blanche Had Called Her Name.. Had Called For Help.. But She Hadn't Listened. Jesse
Meanwhile Kate and Xerxes drove on into the night. Kate was now warm at last. Xerxes was astounded as she contorted her firm translucent body to don the paint splattered sweat suit in the confines of the passenger seat of the Izuzu. This was perhaps the most exciting night of his life and all he could think of was being late for work at Toxic America! What was wrong with him? This was the first woman who'd ever riden in his Izuzu and all he could think about was is damned job. Jeeze! Kate stirred from her warm half-slumber at the sound of Xeres' expletive. She stretched slightly, puting her arm down between the seats and felt the cold of the blued steel. It was one of Xerxes handguns. The one he always kept in the Izuzu. Pod
Well, to be honest, not really a handgun. It was a little unweildy, but he liked the sound of the thing, both spraying fire and poetically; Uzi was after all almost Izuzu spelled backwards. ramone
"What do you use this thing for?" Kate asked sleepily, indicating the uzi at Xerxes' side. "This? Oh, well I have this crippling fear of insects, especially the big ones." Kate stared at Xerxes incredulously. "I know it's a bit of overkill but it makes me feel better just to have it." Xerxes knew his explanation sounded dubious but Kate had never seen the insects at Toxic America and he just didn't see the point in unduly frightening the girl. cuddles
But Kate wasn't frightened. Inwardly she reconised that this man and this man's arsenal had presented themselves to her as a gift from fate - the opportunity to pour revenge on the simpering sisterhood at Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. Soon it would be Semper Uzi Sub Izuzu. Kate carried on with this submissive hoax on the trusting Xerxes. She was going to need him and his truck and perhaps his body too! Pod (upside down)
Having indulged in the spoils of the forsaken, reality has regained its hold once more. Secrets are to be held, not to be told for fear of harm to another. Guilt is not a word, but a grip that can be loosened by repetition-that of denial. JJ
Denial-what did it mean? Kate thought. She had denied and been denied, although she enjoyed being the agressor. She needed pleasure, it drove her. Xerxes could not give her complete satisfaction. She wasn't sure anyone could. Killing was fun, but she was bored. She needed another challenge, an adventure of animal desires. Kate secretly hated all women, but longed for one as well. It was her secret. Dopper
I don't care about the story, but I want to stay something. Pleeeese visit my web page at If you want to say something, pleeeeeese e-mail me at, thanks Julia
No kidding. All we ever read and write about are losers, lesbians, crossdressers, and old ladies. What the hell. Julia's alter ego
Kate Felt Like She Was going Into This One Blind. Her Successor Had Left her No Intel On Her Current Mission, So She And Xerxes Would Have To Play It By Ear. Xerxes Actually Turned Out To Be A Pretty Good Guy, Once You Got Past The Fact That He Stared At You Kind Funny. He Was One Heck Of A Soldier Though, So She Let Him Tag Along. After A Night Of Driving In Xerxes's Izuzu, They Silently Pulled Up In Front Of The Semper Ubi Sub Su Ubi Sorority House. Xerxes Got Out And Opened The Trunk. A Little Spindly Guy With Large Ears Popped Out. Kate Let Out A Mild Gasp And Trained Her Shotgun On Him. "No, It's Just My Buddy Sophocles!" Xerxes Said, Jumping In Front Of Him. Jesse
and the cow jumped over the moon. mango
how now oh brown cow staci
Kate's finger instinctively tigtened against the ridged steel of the trigger. That's right this wasn't a shotgun it was an Uzi from the Izuzu damnit! Izuzu's don't have trunks either but why try for continuity anyways? Kate was releaved that these apparent inconguities could be ignored so she cradled the Uzi in her arms and let out a low whistle. Pod
The Three Of Them Would Have To Find A Way Into The Sorority House. She Hoped She'd Find Another Convenient Plot Hole To Crawl Through Into Their Main Compound. While She Was Still Naked, She Was Armed To The Teeth, And Ready To Kick Some College Girl Hiney. Still, She Might Be A Bit Distracted By Xerxes And His Little Buddy Sophocles Staring At Her Body. When You're trying To Kill Nubile Young Women, It's Not Good To Be Distracted. Hopefully They Would Get Killed Rather Quickly. Jesse
or rather slowly, either way would be pleasant, Shocked back to the medial task at hand, Zooba, spread her seven legs and cast a strand. Outwards it flew colliding with peoples dreams in a haphazard way, subtle but felt each life intangibly changed. What now now what ? Round and round we go...our existence a fleck in the eye of haste...slow down or speed up, our destination remains the same... Marschant
or rather slowly, either way would be pleasant, Shocked back to the medial task at hand, Zooba, spread her seven legs and cast a strand. Outwards it flew colliding with peoples dreams in a haphazard way, subtle but felt each life intangibly changed. What now now what ? Round and round we go...our existence a fleck in the eye of haste...slow down or speed up, our destination remains the same... Marschant
or rather slowly, either way would be pleasant, Shocked back to the medial task at hand, Zooba, spread her seven legs and cast a strand. Outwards it flew colliding with peoples dreams in a haphazard way, subtle but felt each life intangibly changed. What now now what ? Round and round we go...our existence a fleck in the eye of haste...slow down or speed up, our destination remains the same... Marschant
Kate's mind seemed to suddenly be reeling, repeating incoherent thoughts. Wasit? It must be the fumes from the paint splattered sweats that Xerxes had given her. She was having trouble holding onto her weapon now, things were spinning... she needed air...clean air. Pod
hey where did that cat come from? howard
kitty scratched me through my jeans. kitty will spend the night outside! JJ
Katja the cat was put outside, though not without a fight. She managed to put in a scratch or two before her owner delicately shooed her out the door. She sighed a little cat sigh and sat quietly on the doorstep licking her paws with utmost care. She loved to make her point across when she felt the victim of injustice or misunderstanding but really didn't mean any harm. Granted, Katja was defiant and headstrong, but what feline isn't? She looked westward at the filtered sunlight through the maple trees. Soon it will be nightfall, and she will on the prowl. Drew
Sadly, Little Katja's Kitty Thoughts Were Wrong. Kate Thought It Would Be Easiest To Get into The Mansion By Nuking The Heck Out Of The Front Door. Conveniently, Xerxes Had A Small Nuke Platform In His Trunk. After Running Through The Safety Checklist And Yelling Out A Mighty "Heads Up!" The Huge Cylinder Flew Up Into The Air, Looped Around A Few Times, And Fell Headfirst On The Cat. Obviously, This Was Overkill. Jesse
But when Kate saw little Overkill's dead body, she couldn't help herself -- god how she loved cats. Without thinking, her mind still suffused in a furious blaze of grief, Kate turned to Xerxes and slapped him full in the face. "What was that for?" he asked, astounded, as his face began to turn the color of ripe cherries. "Because, you fool, look what you did to Overkill!" "Never understood that damn name, anyway," Xerxes muttered under his breath. "Stop pouting, kate -- look, at least we can get in now." While Kate hated to admit it, Xerxes was right. Despite the feline casualty, the door to the old mansion was blown wide open. With a sigh, Kate started up the stairs with her semi-automatic slung over her shoulder. Xerxes followed behind her, carefully stepping over the blackened remains of Overkill. He had no time to soothe his conscience about the animalicide, because the instant Kate was through the doorway, all hell broke loose. Margaret Collins
She wasnāt more than three paces inside when she felt her right foot sink into a moldy saucer of Wiskas, pitching the saucer sideways, clattering across the spacious, marbled foyer. Her toes instinctively tensed, squeezing the aging cat food between them as her foot slid forward. She tried to balance herself. Her left foot moved back and struck the edge of a large plastic tray which then sealed her fate. Now both legs moved out from under her, but in different directions and Kate came down heavily into a soft bed of non clumping cat litter. She tried to protect the weapon she had cradled in her arm but it hit the marble floor and immediately discharged in a rapid series of concussive explosions which seemed to amplify themselves on the shiny hard surfaces of the entrance. The first four rounds found their successive marks across the front of the imperious grandfather clock, grazing the chimes starting the chiming mechanism (Westminster) then severing two of the weights which thundered into the bottom of the clockās fine walnut cabinet amid the shards of beveled glass from the ornate door. Two more projectiles collided catastrophically with a large, decorative Victorian pitcher and washbasin which further exploded into dust as its instantly randomized pieces struck the marbled floor. Three more slugs struck the large brass Chinese dinner gong (50cm diameter) knocking it backwards against the coat stand which in turn sliced through the glass shelved trophy cabinet, sending its contents tumbling onto the marble hardness of the floor. The last two rounds ricocheted off the floor. One embedded itself in the door jam of the dining room and the other obliterated the pull-box for the fire alarm. Cacophony didnāt begin to describe the moment. Xerxes was instantly in denial. Pod (upside down)
Then Dr. Ruth flew into the room on a magic dildo. Mister Dimension
"Izn't dis in-tee-res-tink," said the midget on the sparkling phallus. Grandma Pearl saw what was going on and just about had a fit. She grabbed her rifle and immediately fired a few rounds at the good Doctor, who screamed bloody murder and remarked how the grumpy old lady was in dire need of a sex life, before she flew out the window on her flying schlong. "Shoot," said Grandma Pearl. "Mebbe dat darlin' micro-husseh is raht aftuh all. I needz me a man! I bettuh go tart mahself up. Now, wez dat numbuh fo da booty pahlah." phoenix
Read the story dagnabit, the Grandma's dead, done, as if a dodo. She's an exparent, a moribund matron! Move on! Pod
"No way," said Janice, the original imort. "No one dies here in La-La Land." Fluffy, Vashondra, Dianne, Mulajoo, and Zsa Zsa Gabor all nodded in agreement. think again
Kate Had Always Hated Zombies. Rotting Mockeries Of The Human Form, Vile Creatures Of Pure Instinct. They Killed Her Parents. Then Her Parents Had Come Back, And tried To Kill Her. If That Isn't Traumatizing, I Don't Know What Is. Luckily, Kate Is A Survivor. Using Only Common Household Objects, She Was Able To Hold Off The Zombie Swarms Until Help Arrived. And Now, Here She Was, Partnered Up With Two Backwoods Hicks With Funky Names, Packing Weaponry That Shouldn't Have Been In A Nonexistant Trunk, And Preparing To Kick Some College Girl Hiney. Life's Funny Sometimes. Laminator
Meanwhile, I set off on a journey to find the meaning of life. I began by consulting the oracle... none
The oracle told me to seek my destiny in the Northlands, where it said the seeds of time are stored. There, I may find a vital clue to that which I sought. And so I departed immediately. Cain F.
... who with sensitivity and forethought asked me to stop and return headlong into the story ignoring the piffle. There is a tale to be told and we're just inside the door at the bottom of the stairs.... Ignacious
Now, how shall I get there, I thought. Llamas were out of the question, so I thought about Arabian camels. A friend of mine, told me they can go 100 to the gallon. But the humps frightened me. And they spit too much. I decided on a dune buggy... Ollie Fitzgerald
Fiffles were tasty treats. I packed some with me on my trip. lonnie
... who with sensitivity and forethought asked me to stop and return headlong into the story ignoring the piffle. There is a tale to be told and we're just inside the door at the bottom of the stairs.... Ignacious
"Goddamn Life," Kate Thought To Herself. "One Minute You're Having Fun Making Out On A Trampoline With A Beautiful Girl, The Next She's Moving To Japan For Eleven Months. Kinda Makes A Guy Bitter." Kate Needed To Talk To Her Hypnotist Again. Jesse
And he walked into a door. "Lovely," said Senor Sanchez. "I think my vision is going." "Where is it going to?" asked his sidekick, Pina Chiquita. Senor grimaced at Pina Chiquita and shouted, "Oh you shaddup!" in the most stereotypical voice he could muster. "You a funny man," said Pina. "Le's go get into troubles, mi amigo." charo ay-ay-aye
Sanchez Was Getting Rather Sick Of Chiquita's Ideas Of Fun, But He Loved Him Just The Same, So They Continued. Why Two Japanese Businessmen Should Dress Up And Act Like Stereotypical Mexicans He Would Never Know. Chiquita Seemed To Get Off On It Though. Jesse
Sophocles, however, was less tolerant so he shot them all. "You idiot!" Xerxes scolded. "Don't waste your ammo on those losers. Come on, we've got a job to do." Xerxes and Sophocles helped Kate back to her feet and brushed the cat litter off of her. Miraculously, no one in the sorority house heard all the noise Kate made when she slipped on the cat food. Luckily for the murderous trio, there had been a raging party that night at the sororiy house and everyone was now passed out drunk in there beds. Kate scooped up her uzi and led the two men up the stairs. cuddles
At The Top Of The Stairs They Ran Into Two Japanese Men In Sombreros And Full Mexican Regalia. Xerxes Dispatched Them Rather Quickly With A Couple Shots From His Bolt Action Shotgun. Hoping To Get In On Some Action Sophocles Loosed A Grenade From The Optional Attachment On His AK-47, But It Was Overkill. The Two Enigmatic Men Were Already Dead, And The Grenade Bounced Harmlessly Off The Wall. "Crap, Sophocles, What The Hell Are You Doing?!?" Kate Screamed, And Dived For Cover, Taking Xerxes Down With Her. Jesse
Down, down, deep into the depths of her psyche they plunged, exploring various levels of her subconscious. There they met the man who wanted to bring a dead fly to life by singing "Raindrops are falling on my head... But that dont mean this fly is truly dead ... and nothing seems to fit.... So, I'll just bump up the mind of this girl......". And when she heard that her head started spinning. In that whirl of confusion she felt a sharp pain in the back of wer wead and snapped back to consciousness. Arvind
And then all of a sudden out of the blue , she noticed that she wasn't where she was supposed to actually be.For assuming that our knowledge of the laws of gravity and physics, that govern this universe, are actually right , she assumed that she would still be lying on the ground next to the wall with Xerxus and the two dead japanese men with sombreros.but she was high.she was floating down an endless and incessant tunnel leading to a cliched blinding white light at the end of the tunnel.Everything around her soon started twisting and turning , until what she considered reality , suffused into one big organic slush. "Where am i!!!!", she cried out aloud. Silence and nothing more. The kind of silence that would make a snail feel like Jay Leno. She didn't like this kind of silence.Infact, she was sure she din't appreciate it much. Then from out of the blue , stepped out a fat bearded man with shades and a tshirt that said "Born to be Bad!" "hi!!i am Sid the occultist, vegetarian, ambhidextrous , truck driver , also part time orange peeler.", he said. "what are you doing here?", she inquired. "Oh!!!I'm just here to make my brief cameo!!it felt like the right thing to do.You kinda like good karma.but now i gotta hit the road again!!!!!" "but where am i???", she asked. "Dunno!!but you are not somewhere i want to go to !!!" "how do you know that?" "That's why mine is a cameo?" "uh!o.k." sumit
Out of the shadows, ninjas pounced Xerxes, Kate, and the Japanese business men, killing them with swift, fatal blows on the noggin. "Excellent! My cameo was brief, but very effective." said Sid. He motioned his assassins into the back of his truck and they sped away from the scene. christopher olsen
D'oh! homer simpson