Chapter 4
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Dr. Reese adjusted his patton-leather lederhosen straps and giggled softlyas he pulled a tiny pair of spectacles from his front shirt pocket. Just as he had thought, it wasn't his vision that was failing, but rather his familiarity to the actual letter forms burned into the flab. "My goodness Mrs. Hammy," the mad doctor began "you've left your body lying about the hills again haven't you?" The old woman's eyes began to mist and her droopy sanguine cheeks quivered as she raised her head to confirm his suspicions. "I've tried so hard to be responsible and strong, but the fairies speak so cunningly, and I dare not refuse their blessed offerings." The doctor fell back in his chair defeatedly and huffed. | |
| He Couldn't Keep This Up Much Longer. His Heart Condition Was Getting Worse, And Little Timmy's Neverending Questions About What Goes On In The Basement Were Beginning To Get Too Close For Comfort. He Would Have To Finish The Project Quicker Than Initially Expected, Or Find A Way To Silence His Own Son. | |
| The message went on for two full paragraphs. Burn after now painful burn to the botttom of her swollen flat feet. For all of it made no sense at all. What Doctor what leiderhosen? Where was the locket? Where was that darnation locket? Where was there an answer. Little did Grandma Pearl realise, she was in fact a fulsome, fleshy rosetta dumpling which when matched with key enclosed in the infmaous locket revealed... suddendly there was a sharp crack! | |
| The locket had stricken back! "That's sexual harrassment, and I don't have to take it!" The girl, who wholesome Grandmother Pearl secretly harboured homoerotic fantasies for, rose from the ground after having been decked by the locket. Her proud breasts stood out like ripe grapefruits, and Grandma Pearl couldn't stand it anymore. She ripped off the mask she had worn for five years, revealing her/his true identity: TV's Conan O'Brien! He grabbed the girl and said: "Forget the locket! I beg you: suck my love pump!" He was a big Spinal Tap fan | |
| Unfourtunately For Conan, The Girl Was A Big Rocky Horror Picture Show Fan, And Wasn't A Girl At All.. Oddly Enough, "She" Was Jeff Goldblum. "This Is Getting Too Twisted For Me" Conan Lamented.. Jeff Agreed, And The Two Of Them Wandered Off To Find Some Cheap Booze.. | |
| Or was it a cheap flooze? Did it matter? | |
| "The End." Arnold's mother gently closed the ancient book and kissed him on the cheek. Apparently he had nodded off quietly during the story. This was the only way to get him to sleep. You see, there was a boogie-man in young Arnie's closet, his name was Oggy. He was an awful looking little creature. | |
| Sometimes, Late At Night, Oggy Would Come Out Of The Closet And Stand Beside Arnold, Casting A Dark Shadow Over His Eyes. Arnold Usually Screamed, Until He Realized It Was Just Oggy, And Then They Had A Good Laugh About It. Once In A While Arnie And Oggy Would Dress Up In Arnold's Mommy's Clothing, And Hang Out By The Docks. | |
| The Docks, Terry, "Tic" and Toni, "Toc", were a fun loving couple. Both were divinity students and were just back from a posting in Northern Saskatchewan. They set up a "Bush Church" to minister to lost Airstream Caravans in the vastness of the Canadian taiga. Although the only other people they had ever seen was a search and rescue team (a Jew and a Buddist) who dropped in after Toni had accidently triggered the emergency locator beacon when she knocked it into the Cuisinart while making a batch of communion wafers. Both she and Terry had laughed for weeks afterward. It was really a shame that the report filed by the SARTEC team eventually fell into the hands of the immagration department and both Terry and Toni were deported from Canada for overstaying their visa's. It was hard to accept that this was God's work but little did they know the mighty forces they were about to unleash. | |
| Canada's Deportation Laws Were Quite Odd During That Point In History. Instead Of Forcing Terry And Toni Upon Some Other Unsuspecting Populace, They Shot Them Into Space For An Advanced Alien Culture To Find And Examine. Little Arnie And Oggy Tried To Sneak Aboard The Rocket To Save Them, But They Were Inadvertently Freeze Dried And Accompanied Toni And Terry On Their Journeys. Fast Forward Thirty Years. A Routine Automated Check Of The Rocket's Core Goes Horribly Wrong, Forcing The Ship's Passengers Out Of Stasis. They Find That Pop Music Has Ended Civilization As We Know It, And Become Freedom Fighters. Unfourtunately, Four People Isn't Enough. So The Four Of Them Set out To Increase Their Ranks, While Also Giving Into Their Physical Desires. | |
| Like their strong, unexplainable desire for roquefort. | |
| Kates moment lasted, and lasted until the sun began to set. Innevitably she would have to confront her questioning mind. She had so many questions since Grady told her he didn't love her. Before he left, she knew that it wasn't true, but she set him free anyway, always feeling that things were probably not over forever. That he would indeed come back like a lost child. Bu after he left, she went crazy, dating every attractive man she could get her hands on. She was insatiable, and hungrier than ever. Many nights she tossed and turned in her underground tomb, tring to resist the hunger. But soon she would have to tend to the aching need manifesting and spreading to the end of every cappillary in her body. It was a hellish night in June, and the heavy smell of living breathing flesh filled the corridors of the basement. Kate finally gave in and went searching, letting the swelling pain in her stomach lead the way to another weak soul. She found many men who were easily intrigued by her mysterious ways and her stunning, unconventional beauty. And women of extrordinary beauty drew to her lwith what they percieved as lust and curiosity. They all would soon know, Kate was in possession of the night; a dealer prime real estate in limbo. | |
| She ate a pickled herring, and turned into a platypus. She said, "My How Annoying It Is. What A Pickle I Am In. And How Annoying It Is To Talk With Each Letter Of My Words Capitalized. I Imagine Only Jerk-Asses Do This." "Yes, Jesse, you are. You are a Jerk-Ass," said Jesse's inner voice. | |
| She ran screaming from the room. "KIMONO!" she shouted at the top of her lungs... | |
| Her naked body gleamed in the blue light of the moon, which, oddly had an effect like those special lights in Safeway. The ones over the poultry counter. Every goosebump glowed as she fled across the neatly clipped lawn dodging the peonies and the pampass grass and vaulting over the croquet set with its colourful, round hard balls. Now she seemed transparent in her caucasion, melanin challenged body now sillouetted against the lunar orb. She paused to catch her breath. | |
| If Her Plan Was To Succeed, She'd Need To Find Some Clothes To Hide Her Glorious Nakedness. As Much As She Liked Romping Through The Sporting Goods Section In The Buff, Certain Uptight People Didn't Find The Natural Look Socially Acceptable In Their Shopping Establishments. During the Course Of The Day, She Accosted Several Patrons And Asked For Their Clothes. Usually This Merited A Call To The Authorities, But She Always Found A Way Out Of Situations Like That. | |
| Soon it was getting cool as the airconditioning was finally beating hell out of the days heat. My god she moaned I never realized how much you really needed clothing before. There has to be a solution to this dilema i find myself in,on the one hand if i dont stay till past one o'clock I wont get admitted into the sorority of my choice,if i do stay I might have top spend a few weeks in the hospital to recuperate from this ordeal. | |
| She Swore She'd Kill Whoever It Was At The Sorority Who'd Suggested That To Be Admitted Into The Illustrious "Semper Ubi Sub Ubi" Sisterhood A Pledge Would Have To Spend The Night Naked In The Old Zombie Overrun Mall On Twelfth Street. Luckily, She Managed To Find A Shotgun And A Box Of Shells Behind The Wood Paneled Counter Of The Sporting Goods Section. Breaking The Stock Down The Middle, She Loaded The Weapon. "Damn.." She Thought To Herself, "It's Only A Doubler.. Only Two Shots And I'll Have To Reload".. She Had To Find Something With A Large Ammo Capacity. | |
| Xerxes Primate had just finished a double shift at Toxic America, the big waste management facility down in Botulism County. If you asked him he'd say he hated working there, running the relabling machine but the fact was he was 46 years old and only had six large caliber hand guns and four over/under shotguns and an old M-16 to show for 15 years at Toxic America as it was now known. He owed $1400 on the 1981 Izuzu pickup he drove, for the valve job and trannie. "Shit it was hot." | |
| Sometimes Xerxes And His Buddy Sophocles Would Go Out Cruising For Chicks In The Izuzu. Sophocles Worked In The Waste Management Facility As Well, But He Hadn't Been There As Long. He Was Still A Lowly Lifeguard. Xerxes Liked Sophocles, But He Had To Admit There Was Something Odd About Him. Maybe It Was His Sallow Complexion, Or Is Apparent Eagerness To Work With Human Waste. It Didn't Matter Much, Though.. Xerxes Wasn't A Very Discerning Person, And Besides, Sophocles Usually Got The Beer Tab. | |
| Xerxes Primate didn't really mind the fact that he always paid for the beer or the fact that Sophocles McNutt now had a collection of beer tabs that was 182 feet long didn't bother him either. No, his limited attention focused on the naked woman outside looking over his Izuzu. Why was she measuring his box? Where did a naked woman put a tape measure anyways? | |
| "Up yer butt," she said. She added, "And I think your wheels are so unlike my breasts. Your wheels are flat, whereas my breasts are full and voluptuous. See ya later, loser." She flung her long hair behind her, whipping his face in the process, and she sauntered away whistling a ditty. He just stood there staring at her while she walked away from him, stunned beyond belief. | |
| Even Kate was surprised at what she had said. Was it the fact that she was naked that gave her this exhilarating assertiveness? Was it the cool air and the moonlight on her fluorescent skin? Certainly it was a Kate she had never experience before but as she walked away from the confrontation she realised that she needed something to carry the weapons she was going to need. That was it... sheād have to overlook the vinyl upholstery which had made her pass up the Izuzu. She turned and looked back not in anger. She was curious about this guy standing ape-like by the side of the pick-up now some two hundred metres away. "Hey guy, howās about giving a woman a lift?" she called in a deep falsetto. Her words hung in the cool dankness. She heard a door slam, a solenoid click and a pinion scream in a fruitless gesture against the fly wheel. A soft "Shit..." floated out towards her slouching hips. Click, scream - then an asthmatic thunder as the Izuzu struggled to life. A short, whiny reverse then a splatter of gravel on the neighbouring vehicles and Xeres was heading towards her. Kate quivered in anticipation. | |
| Kate Always Quivered When Large Trucks Barreled Down On Her. At The Last Possible Second Before Impact She Rotated On Her Heal And Escaped The Bone Jarring Impact That Would Have Seriously Injured Her, If Not Killed Her. In An Unaccustomed Fit Of High Spirits, She Couldn't Resist Yelling "Ole!" | |
| Ole is her special, little word for comforting herself. Kate used it when she felt "the change" coming on, it was an especially powerful change this time as indicated by the fact that every word in the opening sentences was capitalized. | |
| Xerxes was totally perplexed and embarrassed as the Izuzu careened past Kate. Heād forgotten about the brakes he was going to get repaired when he got paid next Thursday. He had paid off the cost of the respirator that Toxic America had forced him to buy through payroll deduction and he was looking to putting the money on the Izuzu. The fake leopard spot seat covers at Wal Mart would look pretty neat. Meantime, the Izuzu had stopped on the incline at the end of the lot, Xerxes pulled hard on the wheel and spun the aging vehicle around and moved toward Kate, this time in first gear. He came to a slow stop about 2 metres from her glistening flanks. "Sorry about that·you move real nice though, you need a ride?" he said in slow country manner. Kate though that this took real nerve after nearly running her down but she didnāt have much choice at the moment. "You got something to cover that vinyl soās I donāt stick?" she said hoping she sounded "smart casual" as they used to say on the invitations at the country club. Xerxes placed some old sweat pants on the seat and Kate stepped into the next phase of her life. | |
| The two people separated by nearly 20 years sat silent in the cab of the izusu for some time. Kate's breasts made Xerxes keenly aware that the night was unusually cold for this time of year. He reached behind the seat, pulled out a paint splattered sweat shirt and gave it to her to put on. She accepted the sweatshirt from him and giggled sweetly. "I know you think I'm naked but look," Kate's freshly manicured thumb hooked under a strip of elastic. "I'm wearing a thong." She tossed her hair and slipped on the sweatshirt. A little further down the road they encountered a hitchhiker. | |
| He Bounced Off The Hood With A Resounding "THWAK!". "I've Really Got To Get Those Damn Brakes Fixed.." Xerxes Mumbled Under His Breath. Kate Just Giggled. Grudginly, Xerxes Got Out Of The Car And Stumbled Towards the Body In The Ditch. "Anything Alive Down There ?" He Shouted, Not Expecting A Response. They Had Been Going Excessively Fast. A Slight Groan! He Was Alive! Xerxes Crashed Through The Bushes To Retrieve Him, Whoever He Was. | |
| It turned out that it was a woman! A familiar woman: yes, it was TV's Ally McBeal, Calista Flockhart! He decided to leave her to die, and together, Xerxes and Kate drove off. | |
| In the ditch, Calista licked her wounds. She had been left for dead by her escort, Garry Shandling (TV's Larry Sanders) after he dropped her off at the empty cornfield and drove off after thirty seconds. "He must have thought I was eaten by a bear," she thought | |
| In the ditch, Calista licked her wounds. She had been left for dead by her escort, Garry Shandling (TV's Larry Sanders) after he dropped her off at the empty cornfield and drove off after thirty seconds. "He must have thought I was eaten by a bear," she thought | |
| as she began hobbling toward the edge of the ditch, well aware that she wasn't going anywhere with two bloody stumps for legs. "How am I going to get out of here?" she wondered out loud. "The same way you got in," a voice boomed out of the darkness. | |