Chapter 2
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Weird Harry made an appointment with his acupuncturist/psychiatrist who prescribed herbs, antidepressants, and large doses of Taco Bell Gorditas for him. He WAS feeling pretty depressed lately, what after the murder, his lack of recognition at the animal artists' community, and his chronic physical cravings. The Gorditas seemed to be working, especially if he dosed them with the hottest hot sauce he could find. One day, as he stood at the counter, ordering his regular six Gorditas (supreme) and an iced tea with LIME, his interest was picqued by a short rotund woman who was busily wrapping tacos in thin paper. Her delicate hands, encased in latex gloves, caressed the recyclable packaging and made him hot. | |
| The world started to move very slowly as Weird Harry watched in awe as the short rotund woman, Tormanetta, to her friends, wrapped the tacos. He began to perspire, and felt faint. "Excuse me sir? Are you alright? Have another Gordita." The Taco Bell Dog of Mexican Persuasion looked up at him. Weird Harry collapsed, and Tormanetta smiled an evil grin. | |
| Then some strange old lady wobbled in holding an old shotgun. "Havya seen some Natzeh squrl 'round heah? Hez got ma locket an... hey, whut da hell is y'all doin' messin' 'bout on ma properteh?" The others just gaped at Grandma Pearl. Tormanetta picked her nose and put newfound treasure in her taco. Grandma Pearl piped up and said, "Doncha be pickin' yo nasty buggahs in ma face, misseh. Ama kick yo ass, all yahz." Then she spat on her hands, cocked her shotgun and fired at the intruders, killing them all with a shower of rusty old bullets. "Hah," said Grandma Pearl. "Iz still got it in meh. Now, whar da hell iz dat damn varmint." She wobbled away into the sunset. Meanwhile... | |
| Meanwhile, back on the farm, Mullajoo ate bacon. He thought he was the only survivor on earth, but then a little elephant called fluffy (he knew this my the clairvoyant abilities brought by lack of water) ran into his kitchen. 'Hello.' Said fluffy. 'Go away.' said Mullajoo. 'What kind of name is Mullajoo?' 'What kind of name is fluffy?' 'I want Milk Duds.' Now they were companions on journey to find milk duds, a journey that would lead ll the way to the grocery store !!!! Later they watched some television, but all they could find was some program about a girl who ran around screaming, "Kimono!!" | |
| Kimono suddenly walked into their room, screaming "some girl is after me!!". | |
| The lights flickered briefly and the phone rang. No one moved. There was a knock at the door, followed by some shuffling noises emanating from the supposedly vacant apartment above. | |
| Suddenly, Josie Sue's button popped off her shirt and flew across the room and hit Barton in the nose. Her boobs, recently encapsulated in a tight green silk shirt, were now loose and exposes. Barton, at first shocked by a button hitting his nose, opened his eyes wide to stare at Josie Sue's breasts. He had never been attracted to her. She was rather matronly looking, with a hawkish nose. She wore too much makeup, which only emphasized what an unattractive woman she was. But now, looking at her middle-aged breasts left hanging heavily like erotic ripe fruit on her slender rib cage, he felt aroused. It didn't help that his soon-to-be ex-wife sat next to him, holding his hand in fear. No one knew who was at the door, no one knew who was calling. They were imprisoned here in some bizarre surreal circumstance. But Barton wondered if his wife sensed his erection, if she sensed that he was turned on. The others in the room didn't seem to react to Josie Sue's display. Fear kept their eyes riveted on shoes, pant legs, and sprouting hairs on exposed ankles. But Barton--he kept his eyes glued to a promise posing as naked breasts on an older woman's chest in a room where people were paralyzed by the unknown. | |
| |As the air conditioning began to fail , all the captives began to fear that their time here was not meant to be pleasant. As the hours passed and the temperature rose, each in turn began to loosen their clothing in an attempt to remain comfortable. Finally their attention was taken off the rising heat when the water began to flow under the door. Ann, the redhead, began to tremble and jumped up on the table. Fred, the construction worker, began to roll in the watter on the floor in an attempt to cool off. Mary, the blonde, ( I think it was colored) began to complain about the mess Fred was making . Yet all the while no one noticed the camera, descreetly desguised as one more, in the long series of large bolts that protruded from the wall. | |
| I, on the other hand, frantically searched for my dictionary, my brain stunned by the recoil of the realization that misspellings are de rigeur on the Net. | |
| But I couldn't find my dictionary. Perhaps it is because I do not own one and because I cannot read anyway. I is illiterate, don't you know. | |
| I know, Sweetie, but there is allways hope. Read all the things you need in the lettersoup old Dragon cooks so well. When you have eaten just one spoon of this lettersoup you will be able to read all words in the world, even in the mind of people - word they hadn't written, but thought. You will be the best reader ever- | |
| On with the story..............So Ann, who I will tell you was the only intelligent one in the room got up from the couch and started walking. She couldn't take it anymore. Being cooped up in a room full of insanely crazy people was starting to make her edgy. They lived in there own worlds inside of their crazy heads. Totally unaware of what was going on around them. Perhaps it was as the acid they had done in the 70's. No one really new for sure. Ann stepped over Fred who was still rolling around in the water on the floor like he wasn't even there. Her foot accidentally grazed his ribs and he cried out, "Don't peel me!!! I'm an orange!" Ann just shook her head and headed for the door. Wouldn't you know, locked. But suddenly, as she turned away Grandma Pearl blew the door open with her fully loaded shotgun! "Grandma Pearl!!!" exclaimed Annie, "I knew you would come for me!" | |
| "Well honeh," replied Grandma Pearl, "I thawt I saw dat nasteh squrl runnin' in heah with mah locket. You ain't seen dat fleabitten rodent havyah?" Ann paused a moment, then said, "Yes. Yes, I think I saw a squirrel dash in through that large crack in the door. I didn't see it leave, so it must be hiding in here somewhere." Grandma Pearl scanned the room. Her eyes had more cataracts than the Nile River, but her one good eye was exceptionally good. She spotted a tuft of mousy grey fluff behind a sofa. She went over to inspect. "Nows I got ya, yo meesleh varmint. Ahv a good mahnd to havya fo mah dinnuh," she muttered under her denture breath. Like the last tube of Ben Gay at a nursing home, she quickly grabbed for the grey tuft. | |
| Mary, "the blonde" leapt from behind the sofa after Grandma Pearl pulled at her hair. What Grandma Pearl saw as a tuft of grey fluff turned out to be Mary's roots which were in dire need of a touch-up. "Unhand my 'do, you...you fossil! Can't you see I'm communing with The Supreme One?" Mary had apparently been meditating behind the sofa, which as we all know is the best place for that sort of thing. Grandma Pearl focused her one good eye on Mary, who was stunning with her tie-dyed tank top, pierced nose, and tattooed forehead. Grandma Pearl said, "Misseh, I don't cayuh if youze commooning wid Dy-anneh Ross or eneh of dem udduh big hayed floozeh girleh friends of huhz, but ain't yo mammy evuh toll you to treat yo elduhs wid rizpect?? Why, if I wuz yo mammy ida wup yo behind so fas..." Before Grandma Pearl could finish her remark, a fluff of grey bolted out from underneath the sofa and ran out the door. "There he goes!" exclaimed Annie. "Well come on, honeh, lez get dat suckuh." Grandma Pearl wobbled out the door firing a few shots from her shotgun into the distance with Annie right behind her. Mary leapt up from her lotus position and shouted, "Wait! Can I come along, too? The Mystic Entity of the Seventh Plane has ordered me to accompany you in your search for the...the....um, whatever it is you're looking for. Besides, this guy on the floor is starting to reek!" Mary grabbed her 100% hemp tote bag and ran out the door after them. | |
| Grandma Pearl pulled the handful of grey fluff and found that it was actually hair done in a beehive attached to the head of Vashondra du Lunchenette. Vashondra stood behind the couch with her uzie aimed at the old woman who was pulling her hair that had turned grey because of all the horrible things that were happening in this story recently. "Sheet far! I thawt y'all was a dirteh stinkeh squrl!" Grandma Pearl slurred. "Listen you blind old hillbilly! Your lousy english is on my last nerve. Besides that, this story isn't big enough for both of us." Vashondra growled. "Vash! Don't do it!" cried Fluffy the elephant. "You're right, Fluffy," Vashondra sighed, "violence is not the answer." She stuffed the uzi back into her wilting do. "Fluffy, will you dye my hair?" Fluffy said that he would and he and Vashondra headed for the door. It was locked but Fluffy broke it down with hardly any effort. As they left, Vashondra called back over her shoulder, "By the way, granny, I've got your locket and I've hidden it where you'll never find it! Ha ha ha!" She and Fluffy jumped into Vashondra's convertible mustang and drove to Bitzy's house. | |
| "Wake up, Granny, you're having a nightmare!" Annie shook Grandma Pearl so hard her dentures almost fell out of her mouth. "Whoa, whut in 'tarnation! Ease on gurleh, Iz still alav, dammit! Iz jus hayd whut yo sayed, a nahtmayuh. Ahz think it wuz Dy-Anneh Ross commin' aftuh me foh revenge! Man, wuz she nasteh lookin. Ah almos' had annuduh cardiak lookin' at huh hayuh, lemme tell you. Did ah doze off agin?" "Yeah," said Annie. We were running after the squirrel when you suddenly keeled over and started snoring. Mary went on ahead after it. I stayed here with you to wait for you to wake up, but you started thrashing violently and started talking nonsense so I woke you up." Off in the distance, Mary called out. "Hey! I think I've cornered it! Come here, quick!" Annie helped Grandma Pearl up on her feet and they scooted over to where Mary was. | |
| Bitzy grinned broadly when she saw her old compatriot Fluffy. "We'll have to widen the archway for you sweatheart, " she whispered in his ear as she wraped her arounds his shoulders. Vashondra, living up to her charming reputation, had already prepared a luncheonette of martinis and open-faced brie and pate sandwiches on thinly sliced sour dough. Bitsy wondered if it was really foie gras they were eating, but did not want to embarass the hostess by questioning.Fluff hadn't had a Vashondra style martini in a long time. It felt extremely good. After relaxing with three shakers and more than enough reruns of Dumbo, Fluffy announced he was going outside for a smoke. Actually he was looking for a safe and private garden to relieve himself in. Those new 1.6 liter flushing troughs always caused an embarassing scene for an elephant. | |
| Mary had cornered the squirrel against several granite boulders whose sides were too smooth to scurry over. The chase seemed to have made some of it's fur come off, revealing shiny metallic skin underneath. Metallic?? Ann and Grandma Pearl finally arrived panting for breath. "I knew smoking 5 packs a day would finally catch up with me," said Ann, who was wheezing and hacking up a storm. Grandma Pearl cocked her rifle and pointed it at the squirrel, who had the locket in it's mouth and strangely enough, showed no fear. "Alrighty, mistuh squrl, hand ovah ma locket lest I send ya up da Rivuh Jordan!" The squirrel, whose beady red eyes seemed a bit peculiar and artificial, simply sat there unmoved by the old woman. "Don't say I didden warnya," said Grandma Pearl, and she fired her rifle the creature. The bullets simply tore off more of the squirrel's hide and ricocheted off its metallic body, sending sparks flying all over the place. Mary screamed and leapt behind some bushes. "Gawd Almighteh!" shrieked Grandma Pearl. Ann said, "That's not a real squirrel! It's a cyborg!" "Well duh!" shouted Mary from behind the shrubbery. The squirrel's red eyes began to glow. | |
| The squirrel looked at Mary and squeaked, "Got an extra cigarette?" Grandma Pearl said, "Whad'ja waiting fa? Give dat roden' a butt, gal!" Mary threw her entire pack of Salem Lights at the toaster oven of a squirrel. He breathed fire from his nostrils, lighting the fag. He took a long draw on the mentholated tobacco, clicking his little metal rodent paws on the pavement. "Ha," piped up Grandma Pearl, "Don't he jus' sound like yer ole granddaddy when he usta tap dance at da ole saloon? Now, don't he jus'?" Mary's feet started twitching a bit. Her body held memories of her toothless granddad spitting out chaw and swinging platinum-headed country girls around the pine-walled tavern in their old town. She remembered him wearing a Dolly Parton wig one night when he was really looped up and had just had a threesome with the Fitzroy twins who lived behind the cow pastures. But Grandma Pearl, she always pretended that she never saw a thing. She always pretended her life was just hunky-dorey. But, now, there was no pretending. The metal squirrel could read their thoughts and he was suddenly wearing a blonde wig, a tight gingham skirt and a load of blue eyeshadow. "Durn," said Grandma Pearl, "Ain't he a looker?" More like a hooker, thought Mary. But what were they doing here anyway? They had to get those books back to the library tonight or else the 20-cents-a-day fines would start mounting. And who could survive such a financial catastrophe? Mary jingled her coins in her pockets and realized she only had 50 cents to her name. But the squirrel, mind-reader that he was, opened his eyes, flashed Sevens in his pupils, opened his mouth and vomited a huge pile of dimes. Things were looking up. | |
| hey hey hey | |
| "It's Fat Albert!", they all said in unison. | |
| "My name is Fluffy." said the elephant who had been watching them from the garden while he was relieving himself. In one fluid motion the surprisingly graceful pachyderm stepped on the cyborg squirrel, squashing him flat, grabbed the locket and leaped over the garden wall. He ran around the side of the house and into the front door where he found Bitzy putting the finishing touches on Vashondra's newly died hair. "I've got the locket!" Fluffy said, holding up his prize. Vashondra and Bitzy squealed with excitement. Then they jumped onto Fluffy's back and they all went to find Candace and Tiki. | |
| "Well wouldja looka dat," said Grandma Pearl. "Mah nightmayuhs acommin' true! If dat elehphunt is real....din..." Grandma Pearl paused, then gasped. "OH GAWD ALMIGHTEH! Dy-Anneh Ross and huh gang of big hayed floozehs has got mah locket! And dat no-good dawtah Candace is wid dem. Damn two-bit husseh." Grandma Pearl threw her hands in the air in frustration. "What's the matter, Granny?" asked Ann. "Well honeh, da big spirit in da sky done dealt meh a nasteh hand. Iz got one lezbeen dawtah Pauline, and da uthone, Candy, is pure trash. Didja know she missed huh own weddin' last Satday? Ooo-wee! Ah need mah jug and ah need it bayud. Iz got to get to da cryin' land agin!" "There, there, Granny, " said Mary. "I've got some money now, so let's go buy us a car and find that lardo and his friends!" Annie nodded in agreement. Grandma Pearl said, "Alrighteh din, les' go. We bes' pass by a liquh store on da way foh supplies. Mah ankles are startin' to act up." So the three set off to find a used car dealer. | |
| "Lookie der, Grandma Pearl pointed at the street, "Jehovah's done blessed me fer for a puttin' me to da trials of Job." "Mah chariot is awatin' Thank you Jesus." Annie saw what Grandma was so exited about, City Carrier 7124, Ricardo Evangelista a servant of the USPS had left his keys in his LLV as he delivered a foreign registered parcel to the house next door. Before Annie and Mary could stop her Granny had alighted into the drivers seat and started the engine. It was all they could do to hop through the cargo door. As Granny Pearl careened around the corner she hit the yellow median striplines. "Whatsa matter momma, carn't you drive?" "Dis sum upside down truck, da steering wheel in da wrong part, Satan done got me twixt." As Grandma plowed into the curb, in front of the Alcoholic Beverage Dispensary, Kim Nguyen posted a handwritten "Closed-Sorry Sold Out" sign on the door as he locked it. Mary noticed huge piles of hayish excritement throughout the parking lot | |
| . But at that very moment, a horrible big monster jumped out of Jesus' house. It was a big gay Al!, noone had ever seen one of these (in front of them) and was a very erotic experience for Bob. Bob decided that having tea with Bob would be a pleasurable experience for himself. Except when he gets little bits of tea stuck in is teeth. | |
| '#@!&* you homosexual' said big gay al. "i am not gay" "youre a #@!&*ing poof" said bob in disgust. "now give me my tea" "ok certainly Sir." | |
| this is stupid and i dont tolerate profanity get a real site you jerks | |
| Suddenly, the parking lot cracked and buckled. A huge crack formed, and Big Al, Bob, and their paragraphs tumbled into it and into obscurity. Then, just as suddenly, the fissure sealed itself leaving everything else intact as if nothing had happened. | |