Chapter 6
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Well, good breath ain't all bad. The tall guy at the counter was smiling pretty damn hard when she got close enough to breath fire into his face. He pushed his hand at her, grabbing for her money. Head tipped, she gave him something back: Her empty hand. She couldn't help noticing that the hair that peeked out of the top of his shirt was lighter than the dark mass on his head. She couldn't help noticing that his green eyes matched the color of mouthwash. She couldn't help noticing that she was really drunk and he might be the only one that cared. There was a dried rust-colored hot dog turning like the world on the grease-coated silver coils behind him. There were packages of aspirin and condoms stapled to a board. What was today's message? Were these tarot cards left out on a clothesline for her to notice when everything else remained silent? He asked, "Is there something wrong?" She said, "Smell my breath. Tell me what you think." She opened her mouth wide and drew close. This was the first time a customer ever asked him to check out the inside of a mouth. Oh yeah, there was this one time a young mother asked him to look at her son's rashy butt, but she could barely speak English and probably had no other way to communicate that she needed something for diaper rash. "Well," he said, "You smell nice." He wondered where she lived. "Ah," she said, "That's the nicest damn thing anyone has said to me today. Or maybe ever." | |
| Really, her mouth smelt like old, warm, bad, beer, But he wasn't going to tell her that. If he played his cards right, he just might get some this time... | |
| Bitzy reached across the counter and grabbed the pharmacist by the hand. "Come with me!" she said excitedly. The pharmacist willingly followed. She led him back to the McDonald's parking lot where Vashondra, Tiki, Candace and Thug were still drinking margaritas. Bitzy approached the group and grabbing the pharmacist around the waist she said, "Guess what everyone! I have great news! We're going to be married!" "What?!" shouted Vashondra, Candace, Tiki and the pharmacist. "Wait," said Thug. "I know you!" Thug pointed at the pharmacist with a menacing look on his face. "I'm sure you're mistaking me for someone else." said the pharmacist nervously taking a step backwards. "I'm sure it's you," Thug said reaching into the breast pocket of his coat. | |
| and pulling out a five dollar bill. "you dropped this on the bus three weeks ago. I saved it for you." the thug handed the pharmacist his lost bill. "Oh my God! Thank you so much! I have been looking everywhere for this. It has the phone number of a | |
| lawyer, actually the estate holder, for my Uncle Buford who passed away very recently. There is going to be a discussion about his will next week, and until now I've been beating my head trying to find this attorney's phone number! Thanks again!" Out of sheer curiosity, Candace asked, "Is this the same Buford Bailey I read about in the paper?" Candace ignored the suspicious and doubting eyes of the others when she mentioned that she actually reads the newspaper. "You know, the guy who died filthy rich? So you're his nephew. You must have inherited a fortune!" said Candace. Upon hearing this, Bitzy's eyes widened. She held Frankie the pharmacist even closer and fluttered her eyes at him. Tiki tried to get into the act as well. She attempted to give Frankie a seductive wink and showed a bit of leg but Bitzy soon squashed Tiki's efforts by placing one of her stiletto heels firmly on Tiki's foot. Tiki gasped and gritted her teeth. Bitzy smiled widely and said to everyone, "Did I mention Frankie and I are getting married??" | |
| "Are you defecating me?", squeaked Frankie? "We haven't even discussed marriage, what with our sex life having become so banal! Certainly we will not be tying the knot, at least until you consent to me tying some knots in our bed of sin, my soon to be slave girl!" | |
| "That does it, " replied Bitzy. She took a few steps back from Frankie. "Rich bastard or not, I'm tired of your putrid disposition." She reached into her less fabulous beehive and pulled out an uzi-1554 semi-automatic. Directing the point of the firearm at her "betrothed", she exclaimed, "Anyone here think I SHOULDN'T blast this poor excuse of a sphincter to kingdom come?" | |
| Thug piped up, "Let the sphincter live, I think he is kinda cute, besides he is a pharmacist." Vashondra gently took Bitsy's arm and stuck the uzi back in her less than fabulous beehive. "Percodan does complement a martini," Vashondra reminded Bitzy, "MAO inhibitors served with aged cheeses, can also be useful." We will take our new friend Frankie by his pharmacy so he can collect a few things and then we will find a justice of the peace. "I've decided that Candace will be the bride. She needs a bit of cheering up after what happened to Xavier, do hear me Bitzy?" the queen glared. Thug whined,"but but I wanted him, I miss Xavier too." Frustrated and needing another cocktail, Vashondra relented, "Okay, Thug you can share with Candace. Now both of you, hop in the trunk with Frankie." "Tiki, you drive us by the drug store and then back to Bitzy's. She does have a nice parlor for games." | |
| The lime green mustang screeched to a halt in front Avalon's Apothecary and Sundries. Bitzy hopped out to free the love birds from their nesting place. "It's timmmmmme to shop, outta the trunk" Bitzy ordered in her best Vashondra-like voice. Frankie emerged first, followed nimbly my a grinning Candace. Only Thug was laicadasical in moving, drenched in sweat with a lug wrench protruding from his zipper, he moaned "I can't get up." "Tough bippy," Bitzy responded, "Who needs you anyway?" she hollered, slamming the trunk lid shut on his boot laces. Frankie and Candace were already behind the counter filling a shopping bag with goodies when Bitzy entered. She smiled at their acquisence to her commands. The vault of restricted medications was bare and two shopping bags were overflowing. "Don't forget the lambskin ribbed rubbers" Candace giggled to Frankie. "We don't need them" he grumbled irritatedly. Giving Frankie a quizical look, Candance filled a bag with pregancy, HIV and colon cancer test kits. "Enough!" Bitzy barked, "Time to lay rubber, we're history." "One moment" Frankie asked,"I have a customer." "Make it snappy" Bitzy retorted. It was the non-english speaking woman with the bare-bottomed infant again. She lifted the rashed filled crevice to Frankie's face, "no better" she mumbled. Out of patience Bitzy grabbed two bottles of powder, and dumped them on the poor childs rump. "Better NOW!" she holllered tossing the flea powder containers on the floor. With a threatening gesture over her lesser beehive she urged the horrified Frankie and the starry-eyed Candace out the rear door and into the trunk. She grabbed the parcels and tossed them unto the seat beside her. "Drive Tiki Drive" she demanded. | |
| The heat inside the trunk of the mustang was intolerable. Even Frankie,who was usually known for his priapistic desires, was close to disgorgement. Every time the mustang hit a speed bump, Candace's elbow smacked his testicles. He winced and cried in pain. Candace was no better off with the lug wrench imbedded inside Thug's zipper wedged against her nasal cavity. Thug was silent now, except for occassional gurgles from his throat. "What kind of wedding night is this?" she thought to herself as she began to lose consciousness. She tried to remain focused on the inheritance which her betrothed would soon claim. Pools of bodily fluids ebbed between her legs and she too had to give into the urge to vomit. | |
| Meanwhile, upfront in the lime green mustang convertable, Vashondra, Tiki and Bitzy were have the time of their lives, tossing capsules into each others mouths as if they were M&M's. It was such a pleasant night out, Tiki had decided to take the long way back to Bitzy's. Vashondra had pulled a frozen flask of very dry martinis from her three foot high strawberry beehive. Vashondra had been right, Percodan did go well with gin and vermouth. It wasn't until they passed the airport that Tiki remembered she had luggage in the trunk. She turned towards home when Bitzy admonished, "Tiki, darling have you forgotten that we are out of olives and fuzzy toothpicks, you must make a stop at the 7-11." | |
| but tiki couldnt pull over to the 7-11 as the car suddenly sprouted wings and flew high over the city, colliding with birds and causing havoc in the quiet sky's of metropolis. Fearing the inevitable crash, as the mustang was quickly rumning out of it's 3 ounces of orange marmalade that it used for fuel, the girls quickly harnessed their parachutes, grabbed their martinis and toothpicks, and hurled themselves down toward earth. | |
| The girls landed safely without spilling a drop. They turned around, expecting to see the car a flaming pile of rubble but the car had landed safely as well with Thug and the wedding couple still in the trunk. Vashondra, Bitzy and Tiki squealed and jumped for joy. They got back into the lime green mustang, Tiki at the wheel, and decided they'd better take this wedding party to Vegas. "I know for a fact," Tiki said between sips of her martini. "That it has been Candace's lifelong dream to be married by an Elvis impersonator." She spun the car around and headed back toward the airport. | |
| all the while singing barry manilow tunes. "I feel soo freeeee!" Tiki screamed as they plummetted down towards their possible deaths. Below them, a flow of geese in formation of the Pepsi symbol quacked wildly in horror at the prospect of being killed by bad hair. | |
| In a fireball of feathers, pharmaceuticals, hairweaves, and alcohol, the mustang and all the occupants suffered a horrible, fiery death. Fortunately, most of the lot were sadomasochists, so this was quite a thrill for them. No one was ever sure if they died by falling off a cliff or spontaneously combusting on the way to the airport, or by trying to get to the airport by driving off a cliff. Nevertheless, the tiresome distaffs and their friends died a horrible death, finally. Later, it was established that the one known as Vashondra was a pre-op transexual in drag and had started "her" life as Gabe Fitzpatrick. But everyone suspected this from the start, being that the beehive 'do was just a bit too much, and that "she" was never without her hormone pills. | |
| as the scorched, charred, twisted mass of used lime green car parts, eloping lovers, cheese loafs, hormone pills, olives, toothpicks, and casino chips began to finally burn themselves out, gabe dusted the ashes off his now disheveled beehive hairdoo. Standing in the mist of the smoldering heap, he smoothed the wrinkles in his mini skirt and searched for his cinema ticket with the sub-way sandwich coupon on the back. Geez, was he ever hungry, having not eaten since having those stale olives hours and hours ago. he knew the power of a good gallo salami sandwich on wheat with lettace, tomatos and mayo. | |
| "I can't believe this! All this work and all I get is a fucking dollar! Mad? YOU BET I AM!" | |
| said the African swollow. Poor thing was sick of carrying coconuts over all those darned oceans...and for what? to prove soem point. A pointless point. that's what it is. | |
| Tiki regained consciousness near a fountain. She couldn't lift her eyelids,the effort seemed pointless. Perhaps she would just lay there and die. That would be better than absorbing the lights that surrounded her. Already her body was on fire. Trying hard to remember what had happened the words lysergic acid kept popping into her brain. It was all too confusing so she slept. A evil looking woman kept poking her with a cane and screaming at her. What was she talking about AA, the polizia, it was a jumble of Keno numbers in Tiki's brain. | |
| Every nerve ending in Tiki's body screamed in agony and she felt if she opened her eyes, they would fall out. "Stop poking me!" she mumbled, and bilious fluid trickled out her mouth. The poking stopped and she heard Vashondra's voice. She sighed and relaxed, she knew she would be taken care of. Vashondra reached into the fountain, pulled out Bitzy and lay her next to Tiki. Then she went to the other side of the fountain where Candace was lying and dragged her back to where the other two were. Then she reached into her slightly scorched 3 foot high strawberry blond beehive, pulled out the cocktail shaker and began mixing martini's to revive her friends. | |
| Sadly, throwing the martinis in their face didn't seem to help. 'What a waste!' Tiki mumbled as she watched them lick their face, while still in a deep, trance like sleep. | |
| A blue and white van pulled up on the sidewalk next to the fountain. The mean looking woman with the cane alighted followed by two jovial gentleman dressed in white. She surveyed the four scorched women laying about the sidewalk licking their faces. Finally she introduced herself, " Las Vegas is a family-friendly environment. My name is Miss deMeanor and it is my responsibility to see that Las Vegas remains a litter free community." Looking directly at Vashondra, Miss deMeanor continued "I am offering you and your girls a hope at redemption." One of the jovial gentleman had already siddled up to Candace and was feeding her cheese nabs and rubbing her face with an aloe salve. Vashondra could feel the air-conditioning eminating from the open door of the van. "We thankfully accept your offer Miss deMeanor, show us the door to redemption." With a nudge of her cane Miss deMeanor ordered Kwami and TJ to bring out the litters and carry the ladies into the van. Only Vashondra insisted on walking, despite her infirmities Miss deMeanor took her elbow to help up the step. | |
| TJ and Kwami helped the women into bunk-bed style cots and packed frozen water bottles about their bodies. "This would be heaven,"Tiki thought to herself "if only I had a frozen martini to go with my body." As Kwami drove, Miss deMeanor picked up a microphone and announced to her captives, "Your corparal needs will be taken care of, we are escorting you to the Home for Friendless Maiden Ladies, run by the Sisters of Mercy. It is expected that you will conform to their regulations. When you are able to work, it is expected that you will repay your benefactors in kind. I will be leaving you at the next stop. Via Con Dios." The van pulled to the curb and Miss deMeanor stepped out. Vashondra felt relieved, "This wasn't so bad" she thought as she reached into the wilting scorched beehive for the martini shaker. The van crossed the iron gates surrounded by old stone walls of the Home. Sixteen novices in full habits awaited them. Each was bearing a funny looking water bottle with a tube and a battery operated razor. | |