Chapter 5
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Guy jolted up suddenly. Damn, the whole bloody story had been another one of his alcohol induced delusions. This time, however, it seemed so real. He shook the hangover off, poured himself another strong cup of joe, and read a newspaper from 3 days ago. His apartment smelt of old whisky, stale cigarettes, and cheap perfume. Guy didn't smell so good himself. It had been 5 days since he last felt the need to clean himself up. 5 days worth of beard upon his face. 5 days worth of sweat dried on his clothes. 5 days of... The thought finally jolted Guy out of his wearyness like a knee to the groin. He had just wasted 5 days getting drunk. He now only had 2 days left. | |
| He now had only 2 days left before he married the girl of his mother's dreams. | |
| Suddenly, the giant gravitron machine that had spun out of orbit lost power and came crashing down to earth, landing right on Guy and squishing him flat. He now had no more worries. With her red patent leather stiletto heeled pump, Vashondra kicked open the door of the gravitron. "Jesus Christ, what a ride!" she said. "Language!" Janice admonished her. "For God's sake, Janice," Vashondra replied, "We just fell down from fucking outer space and landed on some guy! I'll use whatever language I damn well feel like using." She pulled out her comb and touched up her 3 foot high strawberry blonde beehive. Kristi Bitzy and Dianne stumbled out of the smashed up machine. "Jesus Christ, what a ride!" they all said in unison. "Yes," Janice winced. "now, let's get out of here." "You got it, girlfriend!" Vashondra said. "But where the hell is my car?!" "Well it might be easier to figure that out if we knew where the hell we are." Kristi said. Janice rolled her eyes and thought to herself how the language was deteriorating at a rapid pace in this scene. But she decided not to say anything more about it. The girls all looked around to try to figure out where they were. "I think we're in France." Bitzy piped up. "How can you be so sure?" Kristi asked. "Well, look," Bitzy explained. "Everyone is wearing black berets and carrying bottles of red wine and loaves of bread." "Oo, how cliche France is." Vashondra said wrinkling her nose. "No, I think this is som strange Twilight Zone version of France. It's too wierd." Dianne said. "I think you are right, Dianne." Janice said. As they all looked around, they couldn't help but agree with Dianne. All the men wore black and white striped shirts with red scarves and black berets and they stood on the side walk painting pictures of scantily clad or nude women while drinking wine. All the shops along the road were boulangeries and whoever wasn't painting was sitting outside of the boulangeries drinking coffee. The hills in the distance were covered with vineyards and ancient monastic wineries. "This is too fucking creepy." Vashondra said. "Let's get the hell out of here." But it was too late. Maurice Chevalier walked up behind them and said... | |
| "hey you, your must sit here in our little coffee house and enjoy the view!" so we all went to go sit down when we noticed that George was missing. we called for him but there was no answer! "oh no where did he go" everyone screamed. but then out of the blue popped up a look a like but we knew it wasn't george because he didn't have the constant toothpick in his teeth. so we all.... | |
| stared at him, intently. | |
| Fake George, attempting to stare us all down, collapsed in a fit of giggles, then disappeared in a cloud of mystical smoke. | |
| Then the real George came along. Everyone had left, except Janice the WEIRD but loving mom, Kristi, Dianne the angel, Vashondra de Luchinette with her immortal 3 foot high strawberry blonde beehive hair do, and Bitzy, always last AND one of the least. Janice pulled out her NEW remote control, which was good and was never used to avert danger, only to keep the "new pests", as Janice said, safely out of the story. She pressed a button and George turned into an adorably fuzzy cinnamon tabby cat. "Oh how cute," said Kristi, squatting down to pet him. "You're getting dust from the road on the bottom of your skirt," warned Vashondra. Kristi ignored her. George crawled into her lap. "You'll get cat hair on your lap," said Vashondra. Kristi kept petting George. Then George started licking her beehive hair do. Several locks of Kristi's chocolate-colored hair fell down and George began trying to eat them. "Oh, how cute," said Kristi. "Thatis the last straw!!!" said Vashondra. "That cat has to go!" "NO!!!" said Kristi. "YES!!!" said Vashondra. "MEOW!!!" said George. Kristi returned her attention to him. Janice said, "Oh, let him stay." And that was that but they still had to get back home. Then somehow they flew around the world and they were inside there house. "So what can we do with our lives now?" asked Bitzy. "You mean, our next adventure?" asked Dianne. "Yeah," said Bitzy. "Wait a minute," said Kristi. "I don't remember That Graviwhatever ride being on the list of rides." "Me neither," said Janice. Everyone agreed. Then someone ran up until they looked huge and said, "Look behind you dummies!" The fictional five turned and there were lots of seats with people in them. They realized that this was the Omnimax theatre so they walked out. Then they told the guard, "We used our ticket, we were in the Omnimax theatre, can we get out now?" "Yes," said the guard. They got out and drove home. Following them in a very small car were Joey-jane and Dawson, two sexy lovers who were determined to either kill the fictional five or drive them out of the story with sheer emberassment, fear, orwhatever. They would do anything to drive those girls out of the story and make it their own! And now was the time to do it. | |
| Fortunately, the fictional five had found Vashondra's car right in the parking lot of the evil amusement park and they (Vashondra du Lunchenette, Bitzy Bootleg, Janice, Kristi and the angel Dianne) were all heading down the carefree highway, happy and relieved to be completely out of danger - or so they thought. They hadn't yet noticed that they were being followed and they hadn't yet noticed that the gas tank was very nearly empty. Bitzy cranked up the radio and began mixing drinks when suddenly the car began to sputter and the engine died. Vashondra steered the dayglo green convertible mustang onto the shoulder of the road where it came to a halt. "What's up?" Janice asked. "We're out of gas!" Vashondra said. "I don't understand it, we filled it up just a few days ago, or so it seems." she continued. Then the small car that had been following them pulled up behind their car and stopped. Joey-Jane and Dawson got out of the purple Geo Metro and approached the fictional five. "Looks like you girls could use some help." Dawson said with a sheepish grin. Janice was immediately suspicious and reached for her remote control. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Joey-Jane said as she pulled out her own evil remote control. Dawson began to laugh menacingly. The five girls knew they were in trouble now. | |
| then they realized that they were all old friends and they shook hands and said hi and got gas and turned on amusement park rides with their own remote controls | |
| Until his car careened off of the highway, fell into a gulch and left him in a coma. | |
| He woke up what seemed a while later. He looked and saw his friends and family around him. His mother was right by his side and since she was there he got better soon! | |
| He woke up 10 years later, his mind awash with thoughts of spaceships, remote controls, stiletto heels, and such. James felt empty. Where was his family, his friends, where was his doctors for that matter. Wait a minute, he wasn't even in a hospital! James was in what looked like an old time dentist office. He was strapped to a dentist chair and a row of stainless steel instruments lined up in a row on a tray next to him. "What the hell is going on?", James thought out loud. He saw the calendar on the wall, Apr 29, 2008. 10 years since his accident. What happened and why was he in this room. He heard the shoes of someone walking up to the door of the room he was in. The door flung open and a very old man with a white lab coat and a black leather apron. He was just about to ask what was going on when the old man stuffed a dirty black rag in his mouth. James tried to scream, but the rag muffled the sound. The old man picked up a big metal clamp and, in one swift movement, pulled the rag out of James' mouth and put in the clamp. James' mouth felt numb. There must have been some sort of anesthetic on the rag. The old man pryed James mouth open with the clamp. James tried to close his mouth, but the clamp kept it open. The old man picked up a big, metal wrench-like object and advanced towards James' mouth. He extracted on of James fronth teeth. Pain seared through James' brain. 4 hours later the old man left the room, every tooth in James' mouth was on a tray in front of him, and blood poured forth out of James' mouth. | |
| James whimpered piteously, blood, saliva and tooth fragments spluttering out of his still pried open mouth. He couldnāt remove the clamp or even get up to leave because he was strapped to the dentistās chair. He tried to call for help but he nearly choked on his own oral fluids. All he could do was whimper and cry. James had never felt so alone, abandoned and helpless. Suddenly, the door of the operatory opened. James stiffened with fear. In stepped a women wearing a dayglo orange leather jacket over a hot pink sequined tube top and dayglo orange leather mini-skirt and hot pink stiletto healed pumps. Her hair was teased and twirled into a gravity defying 3 foot high beehive. Naturally, it was strawberry blonde. "Excuse me," she said while doing the potty dance, "where can I find a restroom? I desperately need to relieve this freakishly small bladder of mine!" James could only squeak pathetically. "Oh, Iām sorry." Vashondra Du Lunchenette said. "I didnāt mean to interrupt." She left the room and closed the door behind her. She continued down the long corridor which was lined on either side with doors, none of which were restrooms. "Oh my gawd! This is such a freaking nightmare!" Vashondra said, beginning to panic at the thought of what urine would do to her leather skirt. Then she had a revelation. She realized that she actually was having a nightmare and just needed to wake up. She was, for the moment, greatly relieved. She opened her eyes and found herself riding in the back of her own car which Dawson was driving. Vashondra began to shriek uncontrollably. She had actually awakened into a worse nightmare than when she was asleep! | |
| At the sound of her screams, Dawson's neck slowly rotated 180 degrees, until he was face to face with the lovely Miss Lunchenette. As his eyes traveled seductively along the lines of her seamed stockings, he remarked to himself that the folks at Johns Hopkins had done an excellent job with Vashondra's sex change operation. | |
| Vashondra Lunchenette leaned towards Dawson. | |
| Dawson leaned away, "What are your intentions ? " he asked in a subdued voice. | |
| She put her hands on his cheeks and whispered into his ear. "No one drives my car but me." Vashondra twisted Dawson's head hard and fast until she heard loud crack. Then with all the strength of a man but all the grace of a woman, she threw him out of the car and flopped onto the highway like an old rag doll. Vashondra quickly climbed into the front seat of the mustang and gained control of the wheel. She slammed on the brakes, spun the car around and headed back towards Dawson who was lying motionless and probably dead in the middle of the road. Vashondra gunned the mustang and ran over Dawson. She snapped her fingers as she headed back down the road to find her friends, Bitzy, Janice, Kristi and Dianne, all of whom had been left with Joey-Janie and were probably in some unspeakable trouble by now. | |
| This whole thing seemed not only ridiculous but also sick to Veronica. | |
| But of course the whole concept of whether something looks sick or not is in each individual's perception rather than the actual reality. It means that Veronica can live without thinking sick. | |
| Vashondra de Luchinette, indignant at being called Veronica drove back to where she had left the others. She saw a very strange sight indeed. It took her awhile to realize what the four scared looking cats actually were. Then it hit her. Evil Joey-jane had used her evil form-changing remote control. The big gray one was Janice. The pretty brown kitten nursing at Janices side was Kristi and the even prettier white one was Dianne. The slightly bigger and perfectly groomed black cat was Bitzy. Even though the cats were adorable, anger stirred in the deepest fathom of Vashondra's heart. She had to get her friends back to their human forms!!! Then suddenly Joey-jane pulled out her remote control and zapped Vashondra. For a moment the latter was to shocked to speak. Then all her possesions fell on her and she managed to let out a moaning... yowl? Then the truth did not simply hit her, it punched her so hard she fell over and almost fainted. VASHONDRA HAD BEEN TURNED INTO A CAT JUST LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS!!!! She ran over to all the other cats, then suddenly ran away as Joey-jane knelt down and placed a huge net over everyone but Vashondra who had just barely escaped. Janice, Dianne, Kristi, and Bitzy struggled in vain. Joey pressed another button and her car changed into a stemroller. While Vashondra dashed for safety as fast as her four paws could carry her, Joey-jane ran the steamroller over the net, breaking every single bone in all four cats' bodies. Naturaly, they died instantly. Then the steamroller turned into a black sedan and Joey drove away, laughing over the fact that all that remained of four of the famous Fictional Five was a pile of messy, blood-bathed roadkill. Vashondra's fur stood on end. This was murder! She wanted to sob, but found that cats have no tears. So she decided to get revenge o Joey-jane by | |
| not getting revenge. She found a nice little girl to follow home and lived happily ever after eating cat food and using a litter box, which she found surprising cozy. | |
| Cuddled u[ in her cozy litter box, she began to wonder. And wonder. What if the world turned upside down? What would happen then? She wonderd if her litterbox would fall on her head. | |
| She was indeed a very philisophical kitten- probably the only of her species. But then...of course...she was still a kitten- unable to comunicate with those tall two footed creatures they call humans. Aphrodite, the kitten, had the gift of thought. But alas- not the gift of speech. After her few short weeks of being alive, Aphrodite had many questions- but was unable to ask them. There was so much about this strange land that she wanted to know...and as of yet she wasn't sure how she was to go about as to finding the answers to her questions. | |
| Until one day she was walking through the woods and meet up with a magician. "What a cute little kitten." He exclaimed. The magician was indeed a very wise fellow who could talk to animals through thoughts. "So my precious kitten, Aphrodite, you wish to be able to talk amoung the tall two footed creatures? Well you shall indeed get your wish. But it will cost you. One day when the time is right I will ask a favor of you and you shall repay me back that way." The kitten was very excited so quickly agreed, not knowing what she was getting herself into. | |
| When she returned home, she tried to talk to the two footed creatures, but they were unable to comprehend what she was saying. Without knowing what to do she went back to the place where she found the magician, but he was nowhere to be found. When she turned around he appeared and said, "You left before I could ask you one simple question. Who is the Class L State Champions in Boys Basketball for Connecticut? You have three days to answer this question. Come back to this spot when you have decided on the answer." With that he vanished and Aphrodite went back home, without a clue. | |