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Chapter 3

     The Story The Authors
Dianne jolted awake. She was lying on the same beige and pink floral sheets and her alarm clock was screaming in the same annoying way. "Why can't it ever be real?" She moaned to herself as she pushed her alarm clock off the night stand, drug herself out of bed, and stumbled to the bathroom. Still in a sleepy daze, Dianne stretched for her toothbrush and glanced at the calendar on her wall. May 26th. Her eyes widened as she realized the signifigance of the day. It had been one month. It had been one month since she left the arrogant pig that she'd been with for more than two years. 30 days before, she had made the most drastic decision of her life, up to that point, and walked out the door. She'd promised herself that she'd be on her feet and a better person after a month. It had come and she was no where. Dianne stared at herself in the mirror. What could she do now? More depressed than ever, she started toward the shower, but stopped at the knock of her front door... Tatum3
It was the REAL Dianne who was really an angel!!! The other Dianne (the one who just had the dream) fainted. The angel Dianne carried the mortal Dianne out to the dump. Then the angel Dianne pushed a button. SQUISH went the trash compacter and the mortal Dianne (the one who had fainted) was dead. Then the angel Dianne went back to the mortal Dianne's house where Janice, Kristi, Joel, Terrence (who was a ghost NOT an angel), Jeremy, Patrick, and Vashondra de Luchinette were waiting. "Hey guys," said Kristi, "Joel and I've called a family meeting." Janice smiled. The two kids called lots of family meetings, usually about something silly like house hair or ferret bodies in the basement. She giggled, remembering the latter. Their house didn't really have a basement. Then she stopped giggling suddenly. Something in the kids' eyes told her this time it was serious. "You see," said Joel, "our lives are too safe for the lives of people in a story. We need more danger and excitement. "YOU CALL THAT SAFE????" screamed Jeremy, looking at twelve T. Rexes coming towards the house. "Yes I do," said Janice, ressing some buttons onher remote control. One of the T. rexes turned into a jellyfish. Another got stuck to the ground by a pool of superglue. The third died becase of a burning skittle that went through its heart. The fourth got speared by some Spice Girls in caveman outfits. The fifth turned its attention to a giant movie screen playing Titanic, tried to bite the captain, and got electrecuted. The sixth got chased away by a swarm of scorpions. The sevents got crushed by a mobile home. The eighth got sent to Siberia with a *POP!* The ninth tried to help the second but got stuck with it in the superglue. The tenth bit the third and the burning skittle burned through its heart too. The spice Girls dressed like cavemen skewered the eleventh because they'd eaten the fourth and it wasn't enough. The last T. rex ate the one that had turned into a jellyfish, but got poisoned. "You see?" sad Kristi, "In a real story we would've had to fight those dinosaurs with our bare hands. Just think of the adventure and excitement we would have if it weren't for that remote control! Worlds of danger! Excitement and suspense! Pitting our wits against superhuman monsters! It'd be the life! We'd have the time of our lives... but we can't. And all because of that stupid remote control." "Do you mean..." Janice's voice trailed off. This was unthinkable! "Yes, mom," said Joel, "you need to get rid of that remote control." "Well.... I NEVER!!!!" said Janice. She was at once furious, puzzled, and afraid. So she decided to Carolyn
It was the REAL Dianne who was really an angel!!! The other Dianne (the one who just had the dream) fainted. The angel Dianne carried the mortal Dianne out to the dump. Then the angel Dianne pushed a button. SQUISH went the trash compacter and the mortal Dianne (the one who had fainted) was dead. Then the angel Dianne went back to the mortal Dianne's house where Janice, Kristi, Joel, Terrence (who was a ghost NOT an angel), Jeremy, Patrick, and Vashondra de Luchinette were waiting. "Hey guys," said Kristi, "Joel and I've called a family meeting." Janice smiled. The two kids called lots of family meetings, usually about something silly like house hair or ferret bodies in the basement. She giggled, remembering the latter. Their house didn't really have a basement. Then she stopped giggling suddenly. Something in the kids' eyes told her this time it was serious. "You see," said Joel, "our lives are too safe for the lives of people in a story. We need more danger and excitement. "YOU CALL THAT SAFE????" screamed Jeremy, looking at twelve T. Rexes coming towards the house. "Yes I do," said Janice, ressing some buttons onher remote control. One of the T. rexes turned into a jellyfish. Another got stuck to the ground by a pool of superglue. The third died becase of a burning skittle that went through its heart. The fourth got speared by some Spice Girls in caveman outfits. The fifth turned its attention to a giant movie screen playing Titanic, tried to bite the captain, and got electrecuted. The sixth got chased away by a swarm of scorpions. The sevents got crushed by a mobile home. The eighth got sent to Siberia with a *POP!* The ninth tried to help the second but got stuck with it in the superglue. The tenth bit the third and the burning skittle burned through its heart too. The spice Girls dressed like cavemen skewered the eleventh because they'd eaten the fourth and it wasn't enough. The last T. rex ate the one that had turned into a jellyfish, but got poisoned. "You see?" sad Kristi, "In a real story we would've had to fight those dinosaurs with our bare hands. Just think of the adventure and excitement we would have if it weren't for that remote control! Worlds of danger! Excitement and suspense! Pitting our wits against superhuman monsters! It'd be the life! We'd have the time of our lives... but we can't. And all because of that stupid remote control." "Do you mean..." Janice's voice trailed off. This was unthinkable! "Yes, mom," said Joel, "you need to get rid of that remote control." "Well.... I NEVER!!!!" said Janice. She was at once furious, puzzled, and afraid. So she decided to Carolyn
use the evil remote control on Joel and Kristi. Deep down, she knew they were right. It didn't matter how bizarre or fatal their situations were, they were just too easily resolved, not to mention the fact that they were all immortal and couldn't be killed anyway. It really made for poor storytelling. But she couldn't help herself. It seemed the evil remote control had some sort of power over her. She couldn't bear to give it up. She knew that if she didn't give it up, she would be forced to give it up, and she just could not allow that to happen. She aimed the remote at Joel and Kristi and poised her finger above the Burning Skittle Shower button. "No!" shouted Joel and Kristi in unison. "I'm sorry, I have to." Janice said with tears in her eyes. Suddenly, behind Janice, Vashondra Du Lunchenette had pulled a pair of numchuks from her three foot high strawberry blonde beehive hairdo and used them expertly to knock the evil remote control out of Janice's hand onto the floor. "NO!" she screamed. At the same time Janice and Jeremy both dove to the floor trying to gain control of the evil thing that was causing so much trouble. They rolled on the floor trying to wrestle the device away from each other. Suddenly, the front door burst open. It was Sandy
a woman whom nobody recognized. Every stopped to look at her. "Who are you?" Janice asked from the floor. "I'm one of the authors and I wanted to remind you that even though Joel and Kristi make a good point, this is not a normal story. If you all weren't so powerful, you'd all have been killed off months ago and the story would be a jumbled, meandering mess. Yes, you all are too powerful but on the other hand there is no limit to the kind of adventures you can have. So relax and enjoy." she was gone as quickly as she had come. Janice, Jeremy, Joel, Kristi, the angel Dianne, the ghost Terrence, Patrick and Vashondra all looked at each other. Then Janic and Jeremy got back to wrestling over the evil remote control. All of a sudden, Happy Mutant
i stripped naked and began to masturbate. as my cunt juices dripped hot and sticky all over the place karen
everyone else got back to the REAL story!!! "I NEED THAT EVIL REMOTE CONTROL!!!" screamed Janice. "NO YOU DON'T!!!" screamed everyone else (which, for the people who don't know this story, consisted of Joel, Kristi, Jeremy, Dianne, Terrence, Vashondra, and Patrick). They were all wrestling on the floor. Then Janice got up and said, "I'm sorry, but if you go against me in this manner I will be forced to destroy you!" She went to her room and plotted. She really did know, deep down inside, that she was doing something terribly evil and the others were right, but she couldn't help herself. The evil remote control had taken over her life. She went back and pointed the remote control at everyone and pressed a lot of the buttons but to her horrer it BACKFIRED!!! All ove a sudden Janice was a jellyfish inside a mobile home in Siberia full of superglue, scorpions, burning skittles, and TVs that were showing Howard Stern, Spice Girls, Carrot Top, and Titanic all at once. It was all very confusing and some of it was very painful. Then all of a sudden Carolyn
Lila threw her spear at Tirtiana. He turned into a snake. He hissed warningly at Lila. Lila glared into the eyes of Tirtiana. Stephanie started transforming into a venom snake. She darted at Tirtiana. Tirtiana transformed back to his original form. Stephanie shaped into her body. Tirtiana grabbed Renee's throat. Then.. Renee
Renee turned into a snake and bit Tirtiana on the wrist. To bad she forgot to turn into a venomous snake. Tirtiana grabbed the harmless Renee snake, bit her head off and spat it out into the dirt. Then he turned to Lila. Lila was still glaring into his eyes. Neither one noticed the woman with the 3 foot high strawberry blonde beehive hairdo approaching. She reached into her gravity defying coiffure, pulled out the shiny chrome cocktail shaker and began mixing drinks. "Listen, Sweetie," she said to Tirtiana. "What kind of name is Tirtiana? It sounds like a girl's name to me. You need to relax. Here. Have one of my famous, patented Watermelon Martinis. It'll knock your socks off, darling!" Vashondra du Lunchenette giggled. Tirtiana accepted the drink but what he didn't know was that Vashondra had slipped him a mickey. He dropped dead after one sip. "Well, that takes care of him." Vashondra, Lila and Stephanie jumped into Vashondra's dayglo green convertable mustang and sped away. Meanwhile, Sandy
back at the ranch, Matt
Melvin was constructing an amazing new gadget. It could transport you any place in the world in less than fifteen seconds! Chris was running over with Donny. "Hey, Melv! Wanna play Wamma?" Chris invited Melvin to a game they usually played. "No. But do you wanna go in the future?" Melvin said, mimicking Chris. Chris and Donny laughed. "Sure." Donny said. They strapped a belt over the waists. Suddenly, they heard a zooming noise. In 7 seconds, they were 3,000 years in the future! A high-tech woman came over. She studied them for a moment. Finally she spoke: " Renee
"You three are interesting specimens. And is this your primitive time machine?" The strange woman asked. "Yes," Melvin said proudly. "My name is Melvin. This is Chris and Donny. We're from 1998." "I thought you all looked familiar." the strange woman said. "I'm Janice, don't you recognize me?" "Whoa, Janice! You look so different!" Chris exclaimed. "Yes, well, after having lived so long, I got tired of looking at the same old me so I've had a few plastic surgeries. Like it?" she said, showing off her face. "Wow, so what else has changed in the last 3000 years?" asked Donny. "Well, for one thing, women have taken over the planet. Thanks to sperm banks and cloning, we don't have any use for men anymore. In fact, you three are probably the only males on planet earth right now." Janice smiled. A bone chilling terror petrified the boys. "In fact," Janice continued cheerfully, "If anyone sees you here, you'll probably get lynched in the nastiest way." She began to laugh, which jolted Melvin out of his fear inspired paralysis. He urged his friends to get back into amazing new gadget and began frantically pressing buttons. Seven seconds later the door opened up again and the boys found themselves... Sandy
they found themsleves in the future, even farther. 4,678 years farther. They were in Lila's bedroom, and nobody could see them. Lila was beautiful, her long, blonde hair, and her especially treated outifit. They guessed Janice came into the room. Stephanie popped in, her dirty blonde hair in a poiny tail. Janice seemed to be saying:" Renee
"Oh, there you are. Let's get out of this very compromising one-way situation and try to do something really worthwhile. I've got my flitmob down by the docks - maybe we could go & try to help out downtown. I can feel the tears of people crying in the streets. Their sobs are shaking me, their wailing is filling my ears and my soul. It's unbearable. I need to understand. Are you with me?" Janice dissolved. In stunned silence, each one of them hannah
went back to 3000 years in the future, that was when the time machine jammed. "Hello agian," said Janice. Just then three policewomen with long blond hair came in. "Hey! There's some boys! Let's get 'em!" "Oh no," said Melvin, "I think you need some boys. "Why?" asked Janice (who by the way had been elected queen of the feminine world). Then Melvin couldn't thin of an answer, so they were both sent to be executed. Then Janice caled a family meeting. Of course since women had taked over the world, the only people left in her family were Kristi, Dianne the angel, and their closest friend Vashondra du Luchinette with the 3 foot strawberry blonde beehive hair do. Because of the powerful technology, no one looked old, but of course everyone had to grow up so Kristi was a grown woman now, withlovekly long thick chocolate-colored hair that brushed her ankles. "OK," said Janice, "I think we've had enough. Those kids - Lisa and Stephanie and Renee and Brittany and all the rest - keep popping back into the story!" "What's wrong with that?" asked Kristi, pushing her bangs out of her eyes. "The problem is," continued Janice, "there's too many of them!" "So?" asked Vashondra. "So," started Kristi, "I think she means that the authors get confused and we get forgotten!" "That would be a problem," said Janice. "In fact, it is a problem." "Well," said Vashondra, "I think there aren't enough of us now. Where are Joel, Jeremy, Terrence, and Patrick?" "Um, Patrick was just a sidecick not really part of the family, you know the silly guy from Austrailia that got lost at some point!" said Kristi. "Geez you're just a sidecick too Vashondra!" exclaimed VDianne, who until this time had been unusually silent because... Carolyn
she knew a secret that no one else knew. She wanted it to stay a secret and that is why she lied about Vashondra only being a sidekick. She was more than just a sidekick, much more. But only Dianne knew the truth and she was not about to let it out. "Well, sidekicks are important too!" Vashondra said, stomping her foot in response to Dianne's last comment. "Yes, she might as well be part of the family now." said Janice. Dianne bit her lip. "So getting back to our problem," Kristi continued, "What are we going to do about it?" "Well, the boys have been taken care of, already. But look, they've left their time machine here." Janice pointed out. So the women decided to go back in time and put all the superfluous characters into the time machine and send them back to the cretaceous period where they would disappear with dinosaurs. So Janice, Vashondra, Kristi and the angel Dianne climbed into the time machine and went back to 1998. They swept through all the story settings and gathered up all the characters they didn't like and sent them back in time about 60 million years. Then, they ran into themselves and that's when they realized they now had no way of returning to the future. The present Janice looked at the future Janice and didn't like what she saw. "What kind of megalomaniac have you become?" Janice asked herself. Sandy
Vash was thrilled to find Bitzy again.She was still lying on the bathroom floor of the sevice station in a drunken heep. She screamed " Bitzy, I thought I'd never see you again," and ran over and picked her up in her arms. Bitzy mumbled something and Vash screamed with delight to see she was still drunk and not dead." Come on girl, we are blowing this taco stand and going home" Vash said. "Home"? Bitzy slurred. " Yes girl, home."Vash replied digging in her hair for something. " It's a long story and it's a good thing you have been passed out for most of it" she said. Vash did not have the heart to tell her only and bestest friend that the others wanted to kill Bitzy and possibly herself as well. She looked outside and the others where all standing around looking at themselves, past and present. Janice was arguing with herself and Vash was uncertian of where that would lead. Time was short they had to bail on this past and present thing happening before things got too out of control. " I really should invest in a smart little clutch to put my stuff in" Vash mumbled to herself as she searched through her hair for the car keys. Her fingers found a small bottle she yanked it out to look at it. It was the small bottle of, Wake me up before you go go elixer, just what Bitzy needed. " Sweety...sweety, drink this Bitzy you'll feel much better," Vash said placeing the bottle to her friends lips. Bitzy drank it like a nurseing calf and then burpped. " You go girl" Vash said as Bitzy started to squirm and flop around on the ground. Bityz bounced around on the floor like a fish out of water. Vash searched feverishly in her hair pulled out a comb and a can of industrial strenght Aquanet, " I'll need these by the time I'm done" she said. Then the cold metalic feel of keys touched her fingers. Pulling them out she yelled " yes"!. The scream snapped Bitzy out of her fish flailing spazims. " What the hell is going on " she snapped. " Girl, you are such the bitch when you wake up", Vash replied. "There is no time to explain Bitzy we gots to go" Vash said. " Go where? We just got here" Bitzy said confused. " Just get over here and help me do my hair so we can go'! Vash said. Bitzy got up on her shaky knees and walked like John Wayne over to Vash. " You should really get a purse or something Girl" Bitzy said picking up the hairsparay and comb. " Just do your thing and lets get out of hear", Vash replied imatiently. Bitzy worked her magic. Fingers pulling and poking and combing and spraying. She was done in a flash and Vash took the can and comb and neatly placed them back into her hair."Let's go girl", Vash said and with that pressed a button on her car alarm unit on her keyring. The dayglo Mustang roared to life and with tires screeching and spitting gravel raced up to the bathroom door and stopped. Vash and Bitzy ran out and jumped into the car. " You guys stayin or comming with us" Bitzy yelled to the others. Sean
"Wait for me!" squealed the future Janice. "Me too!" yelled the grown up Kristi. The present and future angel Diannes merged into one and hopped into the back seat with Janice and Kristi. "Man, my past self was bringing me down!" said Janice as the car screamed onto the highway and sped away. Bitzy couldn't help admiring Kristi's chocolate brown hair that was blowing all over the place in the back seat of the convertible mustang. "Ow!" Janice screamed. "Your hair just whipped me in the eye!" "Let me fix it for you honey!" Bitzy said as she fished the comb and hairspray out of Vashondra's immaculate do and climbed into the back seat. With fingers flying, Bitzy worked her magic on Kristi. Pulling, poking, teasing, spraying, within minutes Kristi's hair was piled up high on top of her head in the most spectacular beehive hairdo that Bitzy had ever created. "Girlfriend! You have outdone yourself!" Vashondra said, looking in the rearview mirror. Bitzy climbed back into the front seat and put the comb and hairspray back into Vashondra's hair. They continued down the highway in the convertable mustang, not a hair out of place. Sandy