Chapter 1
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Realizing they where almost out of gas Vashondra Du Lunchenett pulled hard on the steering wheel of her dayglo green 65 Mustang and cut across three lanes of traffic to the off ramp. Her sidekick and best friend, Bitzy Bootleg sild off the back seat and onto the floor in a thump. Bitzy's head pounded from a hang over the size of the Bronx. " You cow" she yelled from the back seat. " Opps, sorry hun" Vash replied searching the rear view mirror for her friend. " Tanks empity and my freakishly small blatter is full" Vash said slowing the stang down to 50 mph. Bitzy rose from the floor,grabbed the back of the front seats pulling herself up. Her Black beehive in dissaray sunglasses askew and pale face gave Vash a shock. " Yikes girl you're a mess" Vash said in slight discust. With that said, Bitzy puked all over the stick shift. Bitzy stumbled into the gas station bathroom with the help of Vash. Sitting in a stall slumpped over some papers was a dead man." Oh my" Vash said in horror. Bitzy rasied her head and puked again. Vash dropped her like a bad habbit and went into the stall to have a look. There was a lot of blood and a pair of leapord skin bikini breifs around his ankles. " I can't look any longer those bikini breifs are so out of fashion" Vash said in choked words. Vash bent down and picked up a piece of paper that was on the floor." Humm, seems like he was writing a story about some chick named Janet...no, June...no there is blood all over this darn thing" she said to Bitzy, who had passed out again. " Janice! that's it. A story about Janice" she said. Reading further she could not understand why he off'd himself over a silly little story. | |
| She gathered up all the papers and wiped off the blood as best she could. She read a bit about an elephant named Fluffy. "Hey Bitz, this is pretty amusing." Vash said and she began to organize the pages by number. Bitzy stirred and threw up down the front of her dress. "Oh my gawd! You are such a sloppy drunk!" Vashondra exclaimed, putting her hands to her hips. She tucked the story away into her neon pink, patent leather clutch bag and dragged Bitzy to the air/water station. She grabbed the hose and squirted Bitzy until all traces of vomit were gone. Then she dragged her back to the car and dumped her in the back seat. "Look at my car you silly lush! I can't drive like this!" Vash whined. "Mna mna mna," was all Bitzy had to say. Quick thinking Vashondra pulled the papers back out of her purse and scooped away as much of the blown chunks as she could and threw the soiled papers into the street. Then she reached into her 3 foot high strawberry blonde beehive hairdo and pulled out a can of carpet cleaner, a scrub brush, a pair of bright yellow latex gloves, and a lime green frilly chiffon apron. "You owe me big for this, sweetie!" she said as she began to clean the hot pink leopard print leatherette upholstry. | |
| Just then Janice, Jeremy, Patrick, Joel, Kristi, and the ghosts Dianne and Terrence popped in. "You sillies" they shouted "you always try to take over the story but we thatk goodness are immortal!" Vash and Bitz ran away screaming. "Wow thank goodness they're gone," said Patrick. Then Kristi reminded him that | |
| he was not part of their family and no one actually invited him to tag along. "Fine, then," Patrick sneered, "I'm hanging out with Vash and Bitz. At least they know how to party!" | |
| Teresa walked into the room. "I can't get any beauty sleep if you brats won't shut up." Teresa snapped. Patrick gave her a Look. | |
| Vash was running down the street when Patrick caught up to her. "Get away from me" she shreiked. She stumbeled to the road and tried to flag down a car. "Hey hold on" Patrick said and roughly shoved her to the ground. Bitz lay on the ground with a dazed expression plastered on her face. She just lay on the ground breathing raggedly from her run down the street. "I have a propersition for you" Patrick calmly told her staring levely into her eyes. "What kind...of propersition" Vash asked curiously. Brushing a strand of hair from her eyes. | |
| "I wanted to know if you will marry me?" As Patrick got down on his knees he handed Bitz the ring. | |
| "Sorry, honey," Bitz said, dusting off her hot pink vinyl mini-skirt. "I prefer to be a free woman!" "You go, girlfriend!" Vash laughed triumphantly. She grabbed Bitzy by the arm and they pranced away, leaving poor Patrick in the dust. | |
| Pactick clenched his fist. All of a sudden he turned into Satin! He was shrinking, and looking around for trouble. Suddenly, somebody pushed him. "Helo, we ah the Borrowars. Who ah you?" a puny little mongrel spoke. Suddenly, SPLAT! Satin and the "Borrower" were smushed. A woman turned around and posed. It was Tiffany. She was TOP model of the world. She smiled at Sluggsworth, the murder-and-ransom criminal (also known as the MAR). She walked toward him and healed his cut hand. She was really an evil little monster, horrible all the way. Suddenly, the door opened. It was Joshua Jackson, the boy who played Pacey in Dawson's Creek came in. "Tamara!" he exclaimed. She replied................... | |
| Pactick clenched his fist. All of a sudden he turned into Satin! He was shrinking, and looking around for trouble. Suddenly, somebody pushed him. "Helo, we ah the Borrowars. Who ah you?" a puny little mongrel spoke. Suddenly, SPLAT! Satin and the "Borrower" were smushed. A woman turned around and posed. It was Tiffany. She was TOP model of the world. She smiled at Sluggsworth, the murder-and-ransom criminal (also known as the MAR). She walked toward him and healed his cut hand. She was really an evil little monster, horrible all the way. Suddenly, the door opened. It was Joshua Jackson, the boy who played Pacey in Dawson's Creek came in. "Tamara!" he exclaimed. She replied................... | |
| "Oh, it's the stupid dude on Dawson's Creek that is confused, even when the solution to his problem is easy to find. What do you want, Josh?" "I'm having problems with Dawson and Joey. I was coming for some advice on what to do," he replied. "Go ahead tell me. I'm not promising I'll help though." "You see," he started.............. | |
| "I'm not Tamara, I'm Janice and you all are out of here." She snapped her fingers and they all disappeared. Then Janice ran to catch up with Vashondra and Bitzy and begged them to let her hang out with them. "I thought you didn't like us." Bitz said. "Well, I've had a change of heart. I need some excitement in my life." Janice explained. "Girl, I've read your story, how much more exitement do you need?" Vashondra said snapping her fingers. "Please," Janice begged. "Stop that begging! Have some pride!" Bitzy admonished. "Yes, and if you're going to hang with us, girl, you need a makeover!" Vashondra reached into her 3 foot high, strawberry blonde beehive hair do, pulled out her makeup bag and set to work while Bitzy searched threw her suitcase for a new outfit for Janice. | |
| Just then Jeremy ran up. "You guys!" he panted. The women regarded him coolly. "Oh.." said Janice. "That's my, er..." She was about to work up the nerve to tell them that Jeremy, who looked not at all sexy at the moment, was her husband, when Joel and Kristi raced up. "Mommy! You forgot us!" they yelled. Then the ghost of Terrence drifted around the corner and Vash screamed and fainted. "WHAT do you flunkys think you are doing?" demanded Bitz. "Er..." said Janice, "WE were wondering if you would join us." "Join YOU?" scoffed Bitz. Just then Dianne, the angel, walked up. She had sensibly folded her wings onto her head and wrapped her hair in them so that it looked like she had a supercool beehive hair do. "Is she one of you?" gasped Bitz. "Yes," smiled Janice. "She's my daughter." So Bitz decided to | |
| Bitz decided to kill himself. Janice went to hell, and so did everybody else. Later on, back on JUPITer, mS. Cockadoo picked up the fresh octopoose from the oven. "AslkjakjasijkJKLAJFIAKujilajliejalkfjkLJALKJlkjakjIJALIKJlkjakjlajkanjkaj'ca." Ms. Cocadoo said that meant, "Everybody come and have dinner!" Sister Lee Bansonnette came and sat down at the table with Brother Jooooooooooohm. "Okay. I want the suger Janice cookies." Brother Joooooooooooooohm grabbed a peice of Janice and bit into her. "Ouch!" Janice screamed as the blood oozed and gushed from the Janice peice. I can save you the REAL blood and gore, though. Sister Bansonnette took a piece of Joeljeremy and ate the monster's two hands. Soon, the house was full of blood and gore. Only Dianne was left. She stepped forward angrily. "Hey! You can't do that to Janice! She's my friend Kristen's mom! You're m----" Dianne drowned in a pool of blood and gore. The alien family looked around sheepishly and burped. The door swung open. It was Mr. Cockadoo, and he looked angry. He said,: | |
| "Guess who is really coming to dinner, it's Goldilocks and the Three Stooges." | |
| "Guess who is really coming to dinner, it's Goldilocks and the Three Stooges." However, when he realized his fly was open he made a quik grab for his gun and shotoff his foot. Well, that didn't help much with the rest of the mess going on. The Three Stooges had an overwhelming desire to eat some bean pancakes, but considering the resulting flatulence problem opted for water from the Mystic Spring of Summer's Eve. Goldilocks, who could only admire her relection in the back of Mr. Cockadoo's bald pate, decided to skip the main entre and dash and dither with the Stooges no longer. A wild hare ran up a nearby jackass causing to snort and bray and rear. It backed into a thorn bush, imapling his little winkie on a thornberry. It hurt and he writhed in pain. But it was a good kind of pain. So he backed up again to enlarge on the sensation of agony. | |
| Three days later, Janice, Vashondra, and Bitzy opened their eyes. Janice sat up first. "Ohmigod," she said and threw up all over Bitzy who was lying next to her. Bitzy was so horrified she decided to go back to sleep and hope it would go away. Janice looked around. The three women were in the middle of the desert trying to squeeze into the limited shade of a large yucca tree. Thirty yards to their left was Vashondra's lime green mustang with an airstream trailer hitched up to the back of it. All the tires on the car and trailer were flat and there was no road in sight. Janice gave Vashondra a shove. Vashondra rolled over in the dust and then sat up, every hair still in place. "Remind me never to give you two peyote buttons again." Vashondra said. Suddenly a jackass with thornberries stuck to it's winkie ran by, snorting and braying horribly. | |
| The jackass was actually Janice's former husband, Jonathon! He had been imprisoned when Kristen was born, and so now he had come back. He was dressed nicely in a tuxedo. Except, then a woman in a scarlet dress came over and french kissed Jonathon. Janice's eyes flared with anger. She didn't necessarily like Jonathon, but she didn't like seeing him happy. The woman came over to Janice and smirked. Jonathon laughed. "Oh, Marisa, darling. You sweet thing. Oh, hello Janice. I forgot to say. You're a jackass, darling." Jonathon looked confident. Marisa giggled and snuggled close to Jonathon's chest. Janice gave Marisa a Look. Suddenly, Zuess came and said, "You idiots! How do you expect people to enjoy this if you don't write about something else?" A lightening bolt struck down and turned them all into monsters. Janice, green with goo, dripped all over and made a pool of scum on the dirt. Marisa looked smug as she disenegrated. Jonathon and the others looked horrified as a coyote ate them. Then, a disgusting woman came by, singing the national anthem at the top of her lungs. A kid was there putting his hands over his ears. He squinted in the blaring sun. The woman started singing," | |
| She sang "Oooooooooooooooohhh how baaaaaaaaaad the stooooooree izz getting, Oooooooooooooooooohh it is geeeeeeeeeeeetting hoooooooooooooribulllllllllll..." And she was right even though she had a lousy singing voice. Just then the slimy green monster exploded and there in the middle of its charred remains stood the unscathed Janice. The next instant Jeremy, Joel, Kristi, the ghost Terrence, and the angel Dianne materialized next to her. "Hah!" cried Janice, half to herself. "We are so powerfully immortal that even Zeus, six Authors, and eight armies cannot keep us dead!" "And now," said Dianne, "we must | |
| admit that we are doofuses!" Dianne exploded into a thousand deploid guts. Janice smiled. "You know, it's the first time Dianne's right! We ARE idiots!" Janice giggled and threw herself into a volcano. It erupted in the jungle, and a lion ate her, and the lion exploded and Janice guts flew all over the jungle. A little landed on everyone else, and they all exploded. All the guts contacted, and they made a GIANT JANICE! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The giant Janice thundered, but a little bunny rabbit hopped in front of the giant robot. "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SCARY RABBIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and the giant Janice exploded. The earth began to take fire. Now, the earth had become a living Hell. There was nobody there, all except.... HEATHER THE MOUSE! Heather became a demon and her oozing, dripping, DISGUSTING body formed lots of demons. The ghost of Terrence was there, and he too, had become a horribly REVOLTING DISGUSTING SLIME DRIPPING DEMON!!!!!! Although, sad for the author who made up all these characters, Terrence looked at himself in the mirror, and he barfed. Terrence was not supposed to barf, because then he would dry up and become the Angel of Sickly Sweet LOVE! Although, when he hears the word, "love", he oozes into an apple pie with whip cream and nuts. And that's just what happened! Heather ate up the apple pie with whip cream and nuts who was the ghost of Terrence. And that was the end of him. Heather's ugliest friend, Madonna, came and spat at the world. Her spit oozed everywhere and the earth became a place with fucked up, swearing people. AND NO JANICE, DIANNE, JOELJEREMY,KRISTY,OR THE GHOST OF TERRENCE WERE THERE. THEY WERE ALL IN A DEAD DAMENTION. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| "Tsk, what a mess!" said Vashondra du Luncheonette with her hands on her hips. "And it stinks, too!" She reached into her 3 foot high strawberry blonde beehive and pulled out a scrub brush, a pair of bright yellow latex gloves and a bottle of 409. Back inside the Airstream, Bitzy was mixing cocktails. "So who is Joeljeremy?" Bitzy called to Vashondra. "There is no such character as Joeljeremy. Joel is the 9 year old super genius son with telekinetic powers and no common sense and Jeremy is the one and only long lost husband of Janice." Vashondra explained as she scooped up all the exploded bits of people, ghost and angel. "Bitzy, bring me that cocktail shaker!" Vashondra took the cocktail shaker from Bitzy and scooped the exploded bits into it. She added some Jose Cuervo, a squeeze of lemon and a dash of salt. She shook it for 3 minutes and then poured the whole thing into a puddle in front of her. The puddle began to bubble and foam and expand. Soon, four human forms took shape and two misty clouds floated above them. Bitzy recognized the humans as Joel, Janice, Jeremy, and Kristi and floating above them was the angel Dianne and the ghost Terence. "You people are the most powerful immortals I've ever met." Vashondra declared. "That's right. You can't keep us in a dead DIMENSION for long, honey." Janice said, snapping her fingers. | |
| Suddenly the earth started shaking under Janice, Joel, Jeremy, and Kristi's feet. "Aaaaaah!" they yelled in terror as it kept shaking. They climbed a mountain to get away from the falling buildings and fires everywhere. Vashondra and Bitzy climbed after them. A smaller mountain erupted (it was a volcano) and the lava mixed with fire rose six feet. The ground kept shaking. A nearby river flooded and made the terrors rise six more feet. The ground kept shaking. A huge mass of mosquitos, bees, wasps, hornets, and other pests flew towards everybody including the drowning and burning people below, until Vashondra pulled a can of pesticide out of her 3 feet tall beehive hair do and sprayed everything. The bug bodies formed a floating pile of yuk six feet tall on top of everything. The ground kept shaking. Then lots of rain fell and made the water six feet higher. THe ground kept shaking. Then hail and snow fell, piling six feet high on top of the bugs. The ground kept shaking. Luckily, the mountain they had all climbed was 33 feet high so Joel, Jeremy, Janice, Kristi, Vashondra, Bitz, Terrence's ghost, and Dianne's angel were safe until... | |
| until the little pitiful characters turned to dust. NOT! They all fell and became bloody vamipires, but it was STILL daytime!!!!!!!!!!! So.... | |
| Emily came by. She smiled. It was time for lunch. She decided on making a mouth-watering turkey sandwich. The door slammed. "Hi, Emily. Doll. It's me, Jonny." Emily's friend stepped into the kitchen. Emily's eye's flared. "Watch it, buster! You need to find out to you're talking to. It's not the old Emily anymore. Where's Jenny?" Emily shook her head, turning the pages of a cookbook. Jonny looked smug and went to get Jenny, Emily's daughter. All of a sudden, Jonny screamed. It was... | |
| It was GRAPEVINE!! THE MURDERER! He took Jenny, and ran out of the house. Emily shook her head, shrugging at the same time(how can she do that?) and Jonny glared at Emily. He followed Grapevine to an unusually sacred place. Jonny broke a twig. Grapevine twirled around. "Ah! Jonny! Your daughter, Jenny, has been sacrificed for the sake of living. So has your other sons and daughters, Brandon, Melvin, Jonathon, Kory, Anna, Brianna, and Stephanie. They are all coming back to you now." Grapevine explained. Jonny looked confused. His face broke out into a smile. "Jenny, Brandon! Melvin! Jonathon! Kory!Anna!Brianna!Stephie!" Jonny sobbed, burying his face into his hands. Anna stepped up. "Dad, when can we go home?" Anna whined. Jonny started to respond, but Grapevine's head snapped to attention. A shadowed figure stood in the distance.They could tell it was a man, no doubt. It was... | |
| the last man any of them would have expected. |