Chapter 6
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| "Nobody! No way! This movie shits!" Freddy Krugeur screamed after the movie. Ali snorted. "Shits? Excuse me, but I'd like to go to the director and say fork him! Damn that man! He thought it would win an emmy? Damn the director!" Shane commented. "I thought it was okay. A little." Ginnie said in a small voice. Ali smirked. "Don't worry, Gin, the director's not here. It's not a sin, already. You can swear." Ali said sarcastically. Ginnie frowned. "It's not like that, Ali." Ginnie explained. "Oh, I see. You like California Dreams. Boy, so do I, Gin! The California Dreams movie was so cool!" Shane said sarcastically. | |
| "Yeah," said Jill. "You both have great taste in movies. Just because it is an old movie doesn't mean it's bad! If your small brains could even comprehend the basic morale of the movie, I would be amazed! Let's take a look, shall and has absolutely no interest in her. However, he does have a friend, not half as a cute, that likes her and was using him to get to her. The girl is so diisgusted that she realizes what pigs men are, dumps both of them and decides we. Okay here's the scenario.. A guy leads a girl on to the point that each time she looks lovingly at him, thir eyes lock and their mouths seem to find each other. The girl, expects a marriage proposal sometime soon...The guy, well he's looking for the oppurtune time to lay it on the girl that he's gay to go for girls. Now that's a story line! | |
| He Promised to tell her Tonite and his boyfriend Jose is waiting in the beach bar only about 200 feet away impaitently waiting to take him to a party. | |
| But he can wait a few minutes more. After all, Craig had been waiting for him for 7 years now, since junior high. The bastard can wait, what's a few minutes more?, thought Craig. He mouth twitched nervously with the unlit cigarette between his lips. It had been awhile since his last smoke, and he had thought he kicked the habit, but tonight he reached nonchalantly into his back pocket for his lighter which wasn't there of course. He thought about her and immediately felt the surge of guilt and despair, two familar spectres in his life. Years of lies...just to protect her from the pain of the truth? And who was he really deceiving? No one but himself, he thought. He blinked as he felt something in his eye. "Damm, " he said, "I'm too butch for this." And he sauntered over to the beach bar. Jose was there of course, and not alone. It seemed he had become bored with all the waiting and had struck a conversation with a rather eccentric looking group of people. They seemed to be in the same family, consisting of a mother, her significant other, her children, and maybe a couple of stragglers. They were all talking what seemed like nonsense and foolishness to the ears of the unimaginative, but they seemed like decent folk. Jose introduced Craig to the group and everyone exchanged pleasantries. The leader, whose name was Janice, spoke up and said | |
| "So, Craig, did anyone see you come in here?" "Uh, no," he answered, slightly confused. Janice reached for Craig's arm and pulled him closer to her. She scanned the bar to make sure no one was watching them, then she looked at Craig. "Listen, we've just been telling Jose about our many adventures. It's an incredibly long story and I don't want to go into again. Here's the thing." she glanced around the room again. "We feel we need to move on, it's time to pass the torch, so to speak. We've had our time in the sun and, quite frankly, our character development has gone flat, so it's now up to you and Jose to carry on the story." Craig was stunned, speachless. Jose could hardly contain his excitement. "Take this." Janice handed Craig a small round metal container. "You must deliver this microfilm to our agent in Panama. Here is the name and number of our contact in New Orleans." Janice gave Jose a small slip of paper. "He will arrange for your passports and passage to South America and he will give you further instructions." Craig was about to protest, he would lose his job if he missed anymore work. "You must go quickly, we're being observed. And take Patrick with you. He's straight but may be able to keep things interesting. Plus he can fly a spaceship. No be off." Janice turned her back on the three men. Jose grabbed Craig by the hand and ran out of the bar, Patrick followed close behind. | |
| As the three men left the bar through the front door, a dark shadowy figure slipped out from the back corner and followed them, his face obscured by the brim of his chapeaux. The adventure had begun. Jose read the instructions out loud to the two others that were on the slip of paper Janice handed him. "It says here we're supposed to go to pier eleven at the ship channel. Someone will meet the three of us there, give us all passports, suitcases with what we'll need for the mission, and help us aboard a boat that will take us through the intercoastal waterways to New Orleans, where our entire mission will be made clear. Craig knew he would lose his job, but had never been presented with such an exciting, off-the-wall mission before. He would do it, and so would the others. Besides New Orleans was a day and a half boat ride. They could catch a bus and be back to school and work before Monday. Craig, Jose, and the reluctant Patrick headed for the pier in Craig's beat-up oldsmobile, as instructed. Their shadower followed in a black continental, keeping just far enough away to be undetected. For the three young men, the promise of adventure was more enticing than the safety offered by their mundane campus life. Besides, all Craig and Patrick could think about was the stories they'd be able to write about as a result of this exciting diversion. Besides, Jose love Janice and thought that there must be a righteous political reason that Janice would send the three of them on a mission that involved a Panamanian connection. Janice was, after all, a liberal who believed in the power of the human spririt when freed from the injustices of oppression through democatic means. No sooner had the three young men reached the main gate at pier eleven when a huge blond man limped up to the window. Craig hurriedly rolled down his window. The blond man introduced himself as Ollaf in a thick scandanavian accent. "Who sent you?" asked Olaf. Craig replied that they were all friends of Janice, and that they had a package to deliver. | |
| Ollaf didn't beleive them and sent Craig and Jose int custody. He regognised Patrick though and sent him back to Janice. When he got there he told Janice what happened and she screamed, "NOOOOOOooooo! I don't want to have the story coming back to me all the time! It's too muck pressure! I needed those guys!" "Well we didn't," said Jeremy as he, Joel, and Kristi emerged from the dark shadows. Then Kristi added, "Ollaf was working for us." "He agreed perfectly with our desire not to be kicked out of the story by this Sandy R. guy just because you needed less pressure," agreed Joel. "Oh yeah?....." said Janice, as she reached for her evil remote control. Dianne, the 6-year-old angel/ghost watched in horrer. She had been contemplating wisdom... how come Kristi and Joel were braniacs but she was the wise one..... wise way beyond her years...... much wiser that Joel or Kristi but hardly a braniac, she had gotten very bad grades in school and wasn't much better now..... when she saw Janice reach for the evil romote control. She knew she had to save Janice's family but she couldn't really figure out how. | |
| Janice turned the remote control on herself. "I've had enough!" she screamed. "Why can't you people just leave me alone and let me have my identity crisis in peace!" She pressed a button and vanished in a puff of smoke. "Oh my god!" Jeremy gasped. "Where did she go? What's happened to her?" "Well, we know she can't be dead becuase she is immortal, unless the evil remote control is more powerful than her immortality. But no, Janice is much too powerful. I suspect she must have been transported somewhere." Joel deduced. Then it occurred to Dianne that even though Kristi and Joel were book smart, they had no common sense, which was her own strength. "We have to find her," Patrick urged. "Apparently, this story cannot go on with out her and if we don't bring her back, we'll all perish." "You're right," Jeremy agreed. "But where do we start looking for her?" "I have an idea," proffered Olaf. | |
| "Olaf?" asked Kristi. "Where did you come from?" "You doofus you should know!" asked Olaf. "Weren't you already on a mission to save Terrence from hell?" he continued. "Why couldn't you just go on with that without Janice?" "Er - well, you see Olaf, she was the reason we had to do that," said Joel. "None of the rest of us like him at all," continued Dianne. "So anyway what was your idea?" asked Patrick. "Well let's take a look at the remote control's buttons!" said Olaf. Everyone realized that the remote control lay on the florr. Ollaf piced it up and read the lables under the buttons: "Turn subject into jellyfish... lizard monster... burning skittle shower... superglue... Carrot Top... Spice Girls... Titanic.... Hey, those last three don't sound so bad!" "Any other buttons you moron?" asked Dianne. "Oh yes of course," said Ollaf. "Cyclones... acid rain... earthquake... swarm of scorpions... Howard Stern... send subject to Siberia. That's everything. Let's look in Siberia that's the only button that could make her disappear." So they went to siberia and there was Janice. Janice screamed abd grabbed the remote control. Then she took out a special key and unlocked a little door in the side of the remote control. It opened into a secret compartment with lots of little unlabeled buttons and a big dull pink one in the middle with palish letters on it that warned, DANGER DO NOT PUSH. Janice pushed several of the smaller unlabeled buttons and the button glowed bright red and the letteres glowed a blinding white. The whole thing started flashing. DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DO NOT PUSH! DO NOT PUSH! DO NOT PUSH! Janice reached for the button snickering, "this ought to end your petty immortal lives forever!" | |
| "WHAT'S WITH THIS JANICE CRAP?" Now back to our story. "Scary. Baby. Ginger.Posh. Sporty. You stink." Mr. Relvile, the music manager, said to the spice girls. Baby pouted. "But my mammy is my best frind. She said I cauld du anethang!" Baby complained in her british accent. "And I need mare loveas!" Ginger frowned, thinking about all the poor hunks out there. "And I need a new hacut!" Scary crossed her arms over her chest. Sporty picked up a football. "Plase fire us." Sporty asked. Posh walked into the room naked. "Somebady stale my clathes!" Posh said angrily. "Holy shit! Mr. Relvile!" Posh sheilded herself with her hands. "No, no. I meant you need a bath. They stink. Both ways." Mr. Relvile pointed at Janice, Joeljeremy, Kristin, and Terrence, and Diane, and all the other shitty people that hang out with them tied together, hanging from a rope over a flame. Suddenly the rope broke and all the shitty characters went tumbling down into the fire. A large fire. "I can make you way bigger. Way bigger." Relvile smiled gayly. THREE HOURS LATER........................ "Okay that's it, go with the camera." Cameraman David pointed the camera at the naked spice girls. He put an up close on their breasts, each one of them. Suddenly the door slammed open. It was Janice. NOT! SHE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS STORY BECAUSE SHE'S A HOOSHER NEWBOB CHARACTER LIKE ALL THE OTHER HOOSHER NEWBOB CHARACTERS SHE HANGS OUT WITH! It wasn't Janice, it was the backstreet boys. Baby got up and started walking toward them. Remember, the spice girls are NAKED. "Hi Nicky." she whispered. She started stroking his face. Nicky picked her up and took her away. Scary got up. "Wannabe my lover, A.J.?" Scary jumped up and landed in his arms. "Take me away!" Scary was carried off. Sporty was flirting with Kevin. They walked away. Ginger was having sushi with B-rok in another room, and we won't give you the details, you nasty thing. Howie D.was kissing Posh. Posh signaled him to go to another room, so they could get DIRTY! Celine Dion walked in, in her underware. "Dirty Dancing, lover. Yeah yeah." Celine was singing. She was dancing DIRTY with David, the camera man. Relvile was jumping up and down when he saw Madonna come in naked. Ginger got back with B-rok, both naked, and they really got dancing. The rest of the spice girls came in with their lovers. Paula Cole came in naked, hairy armpits and all. Elton John was swinging "singing" around with the naked En Vogue fighting over him. Even the ghost of Princess Diana was swinging, singing, and all naked at the party. Stay tuned for part 2. | |
| Suddenly there was a huge explosion and the roof was completely ripped off of the buliding. A helicopter flew over and from it a dark figure wearing a hood slid down a rope and landed in the middle of the cheap sex fantasy. The shadowy figure removed her hood, it was Janice! Yes, Janice the immortal and she was carrying a flame thrower. The rest of her gang burst into the room and they all carried flame throwers as well. "Listen here you 2 dimensional piles of shit!" Janice thundered. "At least I'm an original character! It took imagination to create me and my friends! Not like you pre-fab, ragsheet selling, wet dreams of 13 year old boys! And there is no such character as Joeljeremy! Jeremy is my Husband and Joel is my son you silly peanut-brained cork sucker! DIE!!!" They all fired their flame throwers and torched everyone and everything in the building. When all the screaming had stopped, Janice turned to Jeremy and said, "When will they ever learn?" | |
| Jeremy, just kept smiling - for it is hard for a picture to change. And as Janice turned to survey the room, she realised that her 'gang' was actually only her, for she was in the mirror world. The enormity of her accomplishment felt good. Now we can start to breed and fill the world with real 3D 'original' people. And she sat down with her life size photo of Jeremy and tried to figure out how to get his trousers off. | |
| "Uh, Janice?" asked Jeremy, "What's that you're doing to the lifesize photo of me I gave you?" Janice had ripped out the part of the photo with Jeremy's pants on it. "Oh, never mind Jeremy. I really do love you. Just sometimes I get... well... weird. Like the thing I did to the photo." They kissed. "Wait wait wait," I said. "First you want to kill Jeremy and about five paragraphs later you love him, like, like crazy!? What's goin' on?" Everyone stared at mee with wide eyes. "Who are you?" asked Patrick. "Uh you see, I'm one of the narrators and narrators have to understand what happens in the story. That's why I'm here," I explained. "OH...." said Dianne. "I thought you were one of those stupid Spice Girls again," giggled Joel. Then they explaied to me that the big red button inside the evil remote control had sent everyone to hell, including Janice. From there they were able to rescue terrence, and, since they were immortal, come back. "I guess that button wasn't what I thought it was at all," concluded janice. "Well now I guess Ill go back to writing the story again," I said. "No," said Kristi. "Stay with us and party awhile!" | |
| Vash and Bitz raised thier sunglasses above their eyes and removed the martini glasses from thier lips and stared at each other. "Did you hear that Bitz?" asked Vash in a whisper. " Someone said party awhile" she grinned and giggled. "They must have heard us talking about your bellybutton lint collection" Bitz said smerking. Vash gasped in horror. She reached into her 3ft tall strawberry blonde beehive and pulled out a tuperware container full of lint. " you don't think they want it do you?" she said. Bitz sprayed watermelon martini out her mouth. " NO" silly goose" she said."Good cause i need it" Vash said shoving it back inot her hair.Bitz slowly rose to her feet to peek through the bushes at the people who where talking.She fell into the bushes and out into the grass on the other side. The people turned and started to laugh at her as she tried to stand up."What are you staring at" Bitz blurted out.Adjusting her mini skirt and tube top."Not much" said one of the guys.Vash suddenly burst through the bushes like a wild animal in pink pumps. " You guys what a party....we'll give you a party" She said downing her drink and tossing the glass aside.With awesome speed and polished nails Vash pulled out a boombox from her 3ft tall beehive and hit the play button. | |
| 'Rock Lobster' blared from the boombox and Vash and Bitz began to bounce around in what appeared to be dancing. Amazingly, not one single hair was dislodged from Vash's supernatural do. Even Bitz's tube top stayed firmly in place despite all the bouncing. Then Vash reached into her beehive hairdo again and pulled out a cocktail shaker and some glasses and began mixing drinks. "Watermelon Martini's all around!" she shouted. | |
| "What the hell is this crap?" Said the writer, as he stared at the manuscript in front of him, "i didn't write this????". He was dumbfounded by his drug crazed anarchic ramblings, and put his gleaming colt .55 to his head, "i'm ruined!" he said, and pulled the trigger. The story was over. | |
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