Chapter 4
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Janice slapped Jeremy on the back of the head. "Honestly, you're my husband," she said. "You have no right to lie about our getting covered in tar, and don't try to use your darn stupid telekinetic powers to turn me into a turkey ghost because you don't have any!" "Geez, can't you let me take a few creative liberties?" whined Jeremy. "No," answered Kristi, "because it'll ruin the story. "What story?" asked the turkey ghost. "You see," explained Kristi, "some unknown, usually anonymous people on Earth, wherever it is, are writing a story of what's happening to us. If you daydream that I turn into a T.Rex, whell those people can't tell the difference between daydreams and reality so they write down that I really did turn into a T.Rex!" "I still don't get it!" whined Janice. "Well never mind then," snapped Kristi. "Let's go find out how to get to Earth. | |
| Okay, and Kristi and the rest of the gang lived happily ever after and lived in harmony. Now back to our story. Heather called Monica. 927-3222. Monica Rampone was her best friend, and her college roommate. "Wanna go shopping?" Heather said excitedly. Heather could her Monica pause for a few seconds. "After school. We have our speech day today, you know." Monica replied. They got packed and ready for school. The girls finished off their speech and got to school. Heather hurried into the auditorium. "Hi everybody. I'm Heather Hilary, and I'm introducing everybody for Speech Day." Heather announced through the microphone. She looked over to Monica. Monica shook her head. "I guess I'm going first." Heather said, surprised. She fished in her pocket for her speech. Heather read her speech. LATER ON THAT DAY......... While Monica was flirting with her boyfriend Zacc, Heather was expecting a call from her boyfriend Ryan. Ryan called and they arranged a date. MEGAN MADE RYAN CALL HER AND MADE RYAN A FrickING, Crappy, BRATTY, BITCH. IN OTHER WORDS, MEGAN STOLE RYAN AWAY FROM JULIA (HEATHER). They were over at Monica's house now. Ryan called Monica. Monica said he accused that she liked him and he planned a date with her. Heather got REALLY steamed at Monica. She started going out with Gregg though, but Monica asked Gregg to do little favors, and Gregg and Heather broke up. Heather started going out with Danny Jones, her acting partner. | |
| Kristi picked up a handful of dust and threw into the ghost turkey's eyes. "Okay, enough with the ranting already!" she said. "Really, what the hell was that all about?" Janice said. "You know what?" Kristi said to the ghost turkey. "We would really love to live happily in harmony for the rest of our lives but that's just a pipe dream. If you have you have something to tell us about where we are and how we can get home, would you just please tell us!" Kristi was losing her patience. "Well, if you're going to be that way about it, you'll just have to figure it out for youselves, gobble gobble!" said the turkey ghost. Before any one could stop it, it dematerialized. "Oh that's just perfect, Kristi!" Janice said. "It's not my fault!" Kristi whined. "Wait! I have an idea!" said Joel, who had been very quiet up to this point. "Why don't we just dematerialize like the ghost did?" They all stared at Joel as if he had a turkey growing out of his forehead. "Well, why not?" Joel said. Jeremy thought about it a moment, then said, "Yeah, why the hell not?" So the all sat in a circle, held hands and chanted "om". Soon they all dematerialized. Unfortunately, they all rematerialized in different places and times. | |
| Kristi rematerialized floating around in a space suit in the year 2010. There was no one in sight. Kristi felt lonely, so, since she was psychic, she mentally chanted some spell or other and Janice Joel and Jeremy were with her, in identical sace suits. They decided they had better go back to earth and then find a way back to the present. As if in answer to their prayers, a spaceship floated over to them. A man stepped out. "Hello, mites!" he said. "You look like you meed a lift." He pulled them into the spaceship with his handy pocket tractor beam. Janice trotted into the ladies changing room because she had been in the middle of a methaney ocean on another planet and all her clothes were wet. She swept back out again after she had changed into a beuatiful flowing green silk dress. It was the very, very light and soft shade of green that is becoming on anyone who is the least bit pretty, and Janice was still gorgeous when she was in her underwear, so | |
| Janice stepped out of the ladies' room with all the grace she could muster in her advancing years. The methane was having a chemical reaction with the material of her green dress, and the garment was starting to deteriorate into shreds. But Janice didn't care because she still had on her chemical-resistant neon green thong. She walked in the direction of the common room where the rest of the group was waiting when she heard a familiar voice calling out from directly behind her. She quickly turned around and | |
| Janice stepped out of the ladies' room with all the grace she could muster in her advancing years. The methane was having a chemical reaction with the material of her green dress, and the garment was starting to deteriorate into shreds. But Janice didn't care because she still had on her chemical-resistant neon green thong. She walked in the direction of the common room where the rest of the group was waiting when she heard a familiar voice calling out from directly behind her. She quickly turned around and | |
| before her stood Fluffy, her old elephant pal. At first she didn't recognize Fluffy, but she knew his voice. Fluffy looked spectacular, adorned with earings and a french maids apron. Leaning close to Janice, he whispered, "Did you notice my new breasts?" "The doctor says I have to live the life of a wombyn for six months before he does the final operation...but meanwhile these estrogen pills are making me enchanted with my own sex, whatever that is." By the way, Fluufy asked, "Have you heard from Kristi? Nellie got a postcard from another planet which seemed to be in Kristi's handwriting, but it was signed, Leslie Gore. Something about she was having a party and she would cry too, if it happened to you. Then Fluffy noticed but was embarassed to ask, "Janice, why are you naked?" Is this the sort of thing a friend should tell a friend? | |
| And if you really think about it, what is the nature of non-existence? If you are wearing red clothing, is that the same as being naked since true red doesn't exist? | |
| "Huh? What was that?" asked Fluffy. "I don't know," said Janice. "Probably just an idyllic thought from, oh, say, Kristi or Joel. I wish these story writers would stop writing down what people are imagining or thinking and just get on with what happens." The light bulb is a little scruffy. I thought in the year 2010 - "DARNIT!!!" yelled Janice. "Everyon's thoughts are being written down! I can't take it anymore! I wish everyone would stop thinking!" But, of course, that wasn't possible. Just then patrick came in. He literally jumped wen he saw Fluffy. "Hey! Hey! No elephints allowed on the ship!" Fluffy jumped too - into the utter vacume of space. She was sucked away by the huge vacume cleaner that made space a vacume. Whatt?? There is no huge vicume cleaner in spice.... so what really sucked awie Fluffy? Oh darn, thought Janice, another stupid thought. Probably from Patrick, judging from the accent. "I looked for Earth on the navigition computers. It would be hard going if we went now." "Do it anyway!!" snapped Janice. "Oh, all right, ma'aam," sighed Patrick. The spaceship sweved awkwardly, and sailed into space, on a course straight toward the Earth. They ran into an asteroid feild by mistake.They shot all the asteroids and narrowly escaped. Then Patrick realized he had set the wrong course, and if they didn't stop they would go right through a star! But he couldn't stop, the ship was on autopilot! What could he do? he had to save Kristi, Joel, Janice, Jeremy, himself, and the ship, he didn't have a clure how, and he only had 1 hour! | |
| Why, oh why had he installed that tamper resistant device with the auto pilot, thought Patrick. He should have considered the human err factor when he built the ship. Suddenly, Patrick got an idea. "Does anyone have a bobby pin?" He asked looking at Kristi and Janice. "Hello! Does it look like we might have a bobby pin?" Janice said acidicly. "I don't even know what that is!" said Kristi. "Um," Joel cleared his throat. "I have one." he said holding it up for all to see. Patrick quickly grabbed it and twisted into a spiral shape. He then pulled a panel off the wall and reached his arm into the guts of the space ship. His arm was in all the way up to his shoulder and he grimaced as he tried to stretch it in further. There was a clink clink sound and then darkness. The ship's engines died and it lost all power. "Oh great! Now we're drifting aimlessly in total darkness!" said Jeremy. "No, all we have to do is switch the computer back on and we're - Oh shit! I dropped the bobby pin!" cried Patrick. "Um, does any one have a paper clip?" | |
| Alana leaned closer to Gregg. The movie was really stupid, but Gregg seemed to like watching June, Janice, Louisia, Lisa, and Joel Jeremy. Alana leaned even closer to Gregg. The lights slowly turned on. Alana stood up, and walked toward the door. She tried to look sexy and smart. | |
| She failed. Had this been ten years ago she would have had chance, but she knew better. It didn't matter anyway, she told herself. She had become resigned to dying alone. Gregg was predictable and boring, and probably would have lowered her life expectancy. Gregg called a cab for her and she got it, deciding at the last moment to go home alone. She didn't move over when he tried to get in the cab next to her. A slight twitch of his brow indicated his annoyance and confusion, but he didn't say anything. Alana was glad. She didn't want to make a scene, but she didn't want to give in just to avoid one, either. She gave the cabbie directions and sat in silence. | |
| The cabbie dropped her off in front of her apartment building. She paid him the fair but was to self-absorbed to remember to give him a tip. The cabbie mumbled something under his breath and sped away. All she could think about was crawling into her bed and feeling sorry for herself for a few days. She wasn't going to be able to do that though. She walked into her apartment and found five people there having a somewhat heated discussion. "What the hell are you people doing in my apartment?!" Alana screached. The group stopped and looked at her. None of them seemed to have anything to say, much less an explanation. Finally, a woman spoke up. "Hello, my name is Janice and these are my children, Kristi and Joel." she said indicating the two young children at her side. "This is my husband Jeremy and this is Patrick, no relation. We're a little lost." Janice said apologetically. "Well, I suggest you get lost somewhere else before I call the police!" Alana was beginning to get hysterical. She reached for the telephone but before she could get to it, she saw two shimmering blobs of light before her. The light coalesced into two human forms, transparent but definately female. It was Dianne and Dawn. They put a spell on Alana which made her fall asleep and she slumped to the floor. Dianne looked at Patrick, Janice and Jeremy. "Okay, which one of you wants to explain to me how the hell you got here?" | |
| Alana sat straight up in her bed. She didn't remember even getting to bed, especially with Danny. Danny Jones woke up and yawned. "Hi, Danny, wanna do some active stuff?" Alana asked, meaning sex. Danny yawned. "Well, ya see, Heather and I promised Ms. Winslow, our acting teacher, that we'd practice something." Danny replied. "What?" Alana said suspiciously. Danny shook his head, "It's a suprise for you." Danny kissed her and started to go downstairs and make breakfast. | |
| Light was streaming through the window at the end of the hallway. As he walked, the sunlight warmed his toes. He looked forward to the smell of coffee and the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs. He liked cooking for Alana. Odd it was that she was such a klutz in the kitchen. | |
| Then he realized he was actually hearing the sound of sizzling bacon and eggs. Some one was already in the kitchen cooking! As he approached the kitchen he could smell coffee and hear voices. He silently crept up to the doorway and peaked into the room. There was a family of four sitting around Alana's kitchen table having breakfast. He quickly, silently tiptoed back up the hall to Alana's room where she was just rousing from sleep. "Hey" Danny whispered, "There are some people in your kitchen, are they supposed to be there?" "What?!" Alana shouted and jumped out of bed. She made a bee line to the kitchen. "I thought I told you people to get the hell out of my apartment!" | |
| Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi stared at the irate Alana. Then Kristi looked at Joel and said, "You know, I can't shake the feeling that we've been here before." Joel nodded his head. "I know what you mean." he said. "It's like there's a big chunk of time missing from our lives." "Yes," Janice added, "I have that peculiar feeling too. Isn't it odd?" "Yes and doggonit! We're back in the kitchen again!" said Jeremy. "Language!" Janice admonished him. "Will you people please get out of my home!!" Alana screamed. | |
| But they ignored her. They all had the odd feeling that something quite significant had happened, and then suddenly it had not happeded and they were stuck in the past, being forced to make a different decision. Oddly, that was true, but only people who have read the story in the past seveal months will ever know what it was that happened, and then didn't happen. I won't hint at it and I hope no one else will. OKay, so back to the story. Janice, Patrick, and Jeremy, being grownups, diceded it was just deja vu, but Kristi and Joel didn't, but they decided to forget about it anyway. So they all started to snack on smoked bacon and smoked salmon because that was all Alana would give them. She wanted them to think the house was on fire because of all the smoke. But it didn't work, so Alana screamed again and | |
| again. Alana said to Janice "Why is Patrick wearing his pajamas in mid-afternoon?" | |
| Janice replied, "Has it ever occured to you that Patrick works the third shift? Or are you so caught up in your own reality that you forget that others live differently than you?" Alana scoffed. "Excuse me....I really meant no..." "No harm? Is that what you were going to say?" Janice exclaimed. Suddenly, there was a crack of lightning. Both women turned towards the window and screamed when they saw | |
| a 747 jumbo jet headed straight towards them. Patrick, Jeremy, Joel and Kristi began to scream too. They were all stunned with fear and wasting their precious escape time. Suddenly, the ghosts of Dianne and Dawn appeared. They whisked the whole bunch out of the kitchen the instant before the giant aircraft crashed into Alana's apartment, and carried them to a secluded beach where they could figure out just how significant Alana and Patrick were to the story. They all found themselves sitting in the sand. Alana and Patrick were very disoriented by the experience but Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi were getting used to these kinds of things happening by now. Janice caught sight of a small object half buried in the sand. She picked it up and it seemed very familiar to her. Then she realized what it was. "Oh my God!" she said. "This belonged to Terence!" | |
| "Oh my God!" said Kristi. "Don't tell me it's that damn nipple ring he was so proud about." Everyone gathered around Janice to get a better look at the mysterious object. Alana said | |
| "Who did you say this nipple ring belonged to?" Alana's voice wavered. "My son, Terence." Janice said, choking back the tears. "Oh God!" Alana took the ring and fell to her knees, caressing her cheek with the nipple ring. "He was my boyfriend!" she cried. "We were supposed to be married but he disappeared and I never knew what happened to him." Alana sobbed uncontrollably. Janice, Jeremy, Joel and Kristi were shocked. They never knew that Terence had a girlfriend. And what a huge coincidence that they should meet her like this. But was it truly coincidence or was fate playing games with them. "Please," Alana said, her eyes red and swollen from crying. "Please tell me what happened to him. Why did he disappear?" All eyes were on Janice, but it was so long ago and so much had happened to her and her family that she had trouble remembering what became of Terence. All she knew was the overwhelming feeling that he was long dead. But if that was so, why should they find his nipple ring now, here, on this beach? Perhaps he was still alive and in need of help. | |
| Then it all came back to Janice. Terrence had dressed up as a prom queen and had tried to murder some people. Then the costume had fallen off and Terrence had been pepper sprayed to death by Biffy the Prom Queen Slayer because he was trying to murder Janice and Joel. Janice said that and then Janice started crying about her poor son, and alana cried about her poor boyfriend, and Kristi cried about her poor brother but Joel said he was glad that happened and no one could decide weither that was very sensible or very cruel and unfeelng. Just then Jeremy and Patrick came back from examining the nipple ring and said, | |
| There is a flash flood warning in effect due to all the tears shed, this has been one trajic prom night. | |
| I saw a dog digging a trash can. | |
| "What was that you said Patrick?" Alana asked. "I saw a dog digging a trash can." he repeated in a monotone voice. "Do you mean the dog really liked a trash can or he was digging IN a trash can?" Janice asked. "I saw a dog digging a trash can." Patrick monotoned again. "He's been like that since we got to this beach." Jeremy explained. "Oh. Well, getting back to this nipple ring," Janice said, "I think it's a sign. I think Terrence must be still alive or else this was left here by his ghost. After all, all my other dead children have either come back to life or come back as ghosts." "I saw a dog digging a trash can." Patrick said to Janice. "Oh shut up." she replied. | |
| He had run away from home and was so hungry. When he found an old | |
| shoe." Janice slapped Patrick across the face. "Will you please shut up about the damn dog!" She screamed at him. "Jeez, Mom, chill out!" Joel said. "Yeah, Janice, maybe he's trying to tell us something about Terrence!" Alana suggested. | |
| "I saw a dog digging a trash can I saw a dog digging a trash can" repeated Patrick. "Oh dear," said Terrence, "I put the curse on Patrick instead of Biffy." Janice, Jeremy, Joel, Kristi, and Alana turned quickly around. Then they realized he was a bad but not quite evil kind of angel. Alana didn't realize it though and she threw her arms around him adn vaporized in a flash of lightening. "That's what happens when you touch a legna like me," said Terrence. "Well at least we got rid of that bitch!" said Kristi. "I saw a dog digging a trash can" replied Patrick. "Just a minute," said Terrence. "I think I can fix this up." "Hello!" said Patrick. Everyone cheered. "Hello" said Patrick again. "Hello yourself" said Joel, "we heard you the first time." "Hello" said Patrick. "Oh, crap," said Terrence, "I messed up again." After a few moments Patrick turned to Janice and said, "You're beuatiful." Janice, quite flattered, said, "Thank you." "You're beuatiful," said Patrick. "Um, didn't you say that before?" said Janice. "You're beuatiful," repeated Patrick "Oh shit," said Terrence, "I got it all wrong again." Then Patrick turned to Kristi and said, "would you like adonut?" "Yes," said Kristo. "Would you like a donut?" asked Patrick again. Kristi groaned. "OH dammit," said Terrence "I can't remember the right spell." | |