Bananas in Springtime

Bananas in Springtime

Chapter 3

     The Story The Authors
"June!" shouted Janice, slapping June's face. "Wake up from your ridiculous daydreaming. I told you I'm immortal, I can't die so just get over it!" June rubbed her stinging cheek. "Jeez! Can't you allow me a little fantasy?" June said. "Come on, we have to get Jeremy and Joel out of this morgue." Sandy R
June twisted and turned. "June! June! Wake up!" the voice seemed to say. It was only her mom, but, it was weird. She felt like something was wrong. She got up, slowly got dressed, and headed over to her cousin Louisia's house. Louisia's door opened slowly when she knocked on it. "Gregg, come on! Stop fooling around! I wanna talk to Lou!" June said impatiently. The little boy's pink face popped out from behind the door. He laughed and nodded. June gave Gregg a dirty look and stepped inside. "June! Hi! Hurry, come upstairs, my mom's home!" Louisia greeted her. June giggled. The door slammed. "So, what's up?" Louisia asked June. June shook her head. It was their signal of saying, 'Nothing much, but one thing BAD happened. I gotta tell you!' Louisia nodded, as if to say 'Shoot'. "Okay, number one." June said, plucking her fingers."My dad died. Actually, he was murdered by someone. We don't know who. That's why we're renting a house here." Louisia made a face and rolled over. She knew how June felt. She had a deep secret, deep down, that her boyfriend murdered her father, and Louisia was afraid that he murdered June's father, too. "Number two." June started. Lou's face popped up, suprised. "Number two's" were always big news. "I had sex with my boyfriend for Valentine's Day. DON'T tell anyone!" June made Louisia swear she wouldn't tell anyone. But sometimes, Lou thought, I blurt things out. Lou curled her hair around her fingers. Lindsey
Meanwhile, Janice was making breakfast for Joel Jeremy, Kristi, and the aforementiones Louisa and June. Louisa popped in. "June had sex with her boy friend for Valentine's day!" she blurted. Then June popped in. She had heard that, and Louisa had sworn not to tell the sex secret. June was so mad that she thought she would explode, but instead she Carolyn
imploded. "Wow!" said Joel,"I've never seen a person implode before!" Louisa was so distraught about what she had inadvertantly done to June that she imploded too. "Whoa! There goes another one!" said Kristi. "How do they do that?" Janice paused from frying the bacon. "Well, I think it must be like spontaneous combustion but less messy. See? Nothing left but a couple of specks." Jeremy looked up from his newspaper. "Say, how come we keep ending up in kitchens?" "That's a very good point." said Janice. "Let's blow this taco stand!" So Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi left the house in search of adventure. Sandy R
walked into the room very cooly, while everyone stared at her. Janice shook her knife at her. "Why ya's had sex with that Loin, 'une?" she asked in her WEIRD accent. June just shrugged. "'Emme tell ya somin, 'une, ya gotta know that righ people. Iyadon't, ya gonna be in BIG 'ouble, I tell ya. 'Emme tell ya somin else, 'une, when I was 'un, there WAS no such thin' as sex, 'emme tell ya." Janice shook her head. Kristi nodded. "You con't have sex in such rar conditons." SHE said in HER english accent. Joel Jeremy just nodded agreeably with Kristi, shoving eggs in his mouth. Kristi sighed and shook her head. She turned to Louisia. "I didn't do anything." Louisia claimed. Kristi raised an eyebrow. Louisia gave Kristi her most innocent face, and then her puppy dog face when Kristi started shaking her head. "Louisia! How could you do this to me? You promised not to tell!" June commented angrily as she picked up her bacon. Louisia shrugged. "You know, I just remembered. I have an emergancy hair appointment." Louisia started for the door. "Ya wait, now, girl." Janice stopped her. Louisia said: June
"Blow it out your fat jello butt!" Then she jumped on her Harley and raced down the street for her hair appointment at Uppercuts (tm). Beryl
"Uh, Louisa? Louisa! You've been daydreaming again!" said Janice. "I was?" asked Louisa. "Yes," said Janice, "we're supposed to go out the door now in search of adventure." "oh, yeah, right, right," muttered Louisa. She scrambled out the door with everyone else: Janice, Joel, Jeremy, and Kristi. She wondered how Kristi felt about her misfit name. Actually, Kristi wasn't thinking about names. Kristi was wondering what Dianne was doing. Dianne was actually an angel, but heck, so was she, at least she had been until she had came back to life in this stupid, stupid story. Kristi had already been through a lot, especially considering that she was only 5 years old. Joel, the 9-year-old creative genius, was experiencing an entirely different train of thought. He was growing delerious from all this adventure, and his thoughts were something like "ryzzoequefyzytoaidgtaquezpjodefbympitydapjyty!!!" which is entirely unreasonable for anyone to think, especially a 9-year-old creative genious. Janice and Jeremy were husband and wife, and werethinking about each other, except Janice was half thinking of Jeremy and half thinking about which adventure she would have next. All were blissfully unaware that Carolyn
THIS WAS A DREAM TOO! Jean twisted and turned until she heard a THUMP. That THUMP was the sound of Jean falling off the bed. Jean was puzzled. All these thoughts about people and their dreams. "Christ." Jean muttered as she got up back onto the bed. "I gotta stop hiring those fucked up cleaning ladies." Jean shook her head and went downstairs. Her boyfriend, Max, was downstairs typing. Jean was suprised. "Max! What are you doing here?" Jean asked him curiously. Max blushed, for some reason. "I'll tell you as soon as you get some clothes on." Max turned away. Max's older brother David was walking around, too. "Hi, Jean. Want me to tuck you in?" David put down the milk carton he was drinking out of. Jean smiled. You know, the kind of smile men have when they're looking at another man's penis, or the other guy's looking at theirs. Okay, back to the story. You probably know all this crap. You know, I'm getting sick of this crap! Come on, am I the ONLY person WHO PUTS ALL THE DETAILS IN ABOUT SEX? IT'S BORING! I WANNA READ SOME REALLY JUICY STUFF HERE! none
"Then why don't you write some juicy stuff, you witless wonder!" It was Janice, dressed only in a leather holster and a thong and holding a very large gun. She pointed the gun at David. "This is for breaking character!" Janice pulled the trigger and blew a hole through David's chest. He fell to the floor and Janice pointed the gun at Max's blood splattered face. "This is for that lame ass dream cop out!" She blew a hole through Max's head. Janice turned to face Jean who was now holding a very large gun of her own. "Damn you!" Jean said to Janice. "I was going to have sex with those two!" "I don't care what you were going to do, I will not be written out so easily." Janice sneared. "I guess I'll have to kill you then." Jean growled. "Ha!" Janice laughed mockingly. "You can't kill me, I am immortal!" Janice shouted, raising her arms above her head triumphantly. "Well, then I can at least cause you great pain!" Jean pulled her trigger and shot Janice in the chest, knocking her against the wall. She slummped to the floor as Jean ran out of the room. "I'll get you for this." Janice coughed. sjr
Janice put her romance novel down and poked her son Joel in the ribs. "You're thinking about SEX again, aren't you?," she asked accusingly. Joel blushed and nodded solemnly. "I just can't get her out of my mind, Mom. Those few weeks I shared with her in the deep woods will always haunt me forever. Oh Jean, my love!" Joel sighed. His sister Kristi glared at him and said, "That was summer camp, you idiot! And you can't forget it cuz you caught a bad case of poison oak on your little tooter." "Did not!, " screamed Joel. "Did too!" screamed Kristi. They started pushing each other. Janice grabbed them both by their neck cuffs and shook them silly. "Will you two shut up?? I'm trying to read this really juicy novel in peace." Kristi turned to peek at the book's cover and read out loud, "Tropical Fever of the Flesh, Part Two". "Is that why we're headed to Hawaii next, Mom?,"asked Kristi with a gleam in her bright blue eyes. "I want to scale a volcano!" said Joel. "I want to skinnydip in a blue lagoon!", exclaimed Kristi. "And I want to get leid, " thought Janice. StoryThrasher
They all five went to Hawaii. Kristi and Jeremy were skinnydipping in a blue lagoon, Joel and Whatshername were scaling a volcano, and Janice was watching everyone from her car. Then suddenly, the volcano erupted. At the same time there was a tidal wave in the blue lagoon. The lava swept up Joel and What's-her-name, the tidal wave swept up Kristi and Jeremy, and everything landed on the car. The water froze. THe lava cooled into rock. The weight of the rock and ice broke together. So now, everyone was stuck in a mass of rock, metal, and ice, that was slowly, sslloowwllyy, s--l--o--w--l--y and painfully crushing them to death. Everyone thought Dianne the angel would come save them - she always did - but she didn't. Hour after painful hour ticked by, and then suddenly Carolyn
The T. Rex came in. He was very hungry! Janice heard his footsteps outside her rock-ice-metal prison, but she was in so much pain - after all, she was being crushd - that she somehow didn't feel scared. Jeremy and Joel heard it too, but THEY were in so much pain that they didn't feel scared either. Kristi was at the top of the pile, so she wasn't being crushed quite as much. She heard the T.Rex too, and managed to panic, despite her pain. Besides, she was psychic. The T.Rex smelled people in the huge mass of stone, ice, and metal, and broke through the top of the pile, which left naked Kristi under only a millimetre-thick sheet of ice. The T.Rex broke this easily. Blinking in the undiffused sunlight, Kristi screamed, and tried to make her numb legs run. Janice, Jeremy, and joel heard all this too, but they still weren't scared. Then the whole mass toppled over. Everyone except Kristi was right at the bttom, so they found themselves lying on the round, blinking. In a few minutes the T.Rex went away and the J gang came to their senses. Joel had broken his wrist, Janice had several bad cuts, and Jeremy had been naked wen he got buries so al the nerves in his penis had been pinched, but other than that they were unhurt, although Whats-her-name had been crushed to death. But where was Kristi? Carolyn
The T.rex had her! Valerie
Somewhere inside the T.Rex'stomach, Kristi groaned. She was not numb or cold anymore, but she hurt all over. The T.Rex had swallowed her whole - it had been very icky - as well as a large peice of wood, which the 5-year-old had gotten on top of to avoid the acid. It was working, but Kristi was very scared. Suddenly she knew why as a sucker-upper thing opened in the wall of the T.Rex's stomach - and sucked her in!! With a fwoosh, Kristi found herself in the monster's small intestine. She opened her eyes, she was totally immersed in digestive juices, which made them sting, but she ignored thepain. She swam the doggy paddle till she could see another sucker upper thing - the way into the large intestine. But to her horrer, she was stuck to the wall of the small intestine! It was just about then that she realized she was drowning. Carolyn
And what a way to go! Kristi's mind went blank with panic and shock. She settled herself to her fate and began to sink, sink, sink, when, all of the sudden, whoosh! The dinosaur's stomach pulsed with a giant contraction, carrying Kristi down and out. Plop, she landed on the ground in a huge pile of messiness. none
Janice, Joel and Jeremy were lying on the pile of ice and rock which had formerly been their prison and which now was whats-her-name's grave. They were so weak with pain they barely noticed that the T-rex had vomited Kristi. "When will this all end?" Kristi began to wail. The J's finally noticed her. "How much more can a person take?" Kristi sobbed uncontrolably, trying to wipe the tyrannosaurus slime off of her. The tyrannosaur, finding the whole thing distasteful and upsetting, left the scene. "All I really wanted was a perfect piece of apple pie." Kristi whined. They all continued to wallow in their exquisite pain and misery and didn't notice that a small space craft had crash landed on the beach and three beings were now approaching them. Sandy R
The three beings were all white with large heads built like a flying saucer. They had eyes of a sort, V-shaped with changing colors; from yellow to red to black. Malcolm
With a start, Janice realized that they were being met by diplomats for outer space and half of them were naked, and Kristi (one of the naked ones) was covered in dino vomit. So they - Janice, Jeremy, Joel, and Kristi - decided to Carolyn
not worry about it because at this point, they just didn't care. After what they'd just been through (not to mention everything else they'd been through), the Queen of England could have shown up on the beach and they wouldn't have been able to care less. Meanwhile, the alien diplomats, seeing that the humans they had chanced upon seemed to require medical attention, offered to help them. Janice, Jeremy, Joel and Kristi decided to accept the offer. After all, there was no one else in sight to help them and how could things possibly get any worse than they already were? So they allowed the alien diplomats to escort them back to their spacecraft. However, standing on the bluff overlooking the beach was Colnel Dick Blowhard of the U.S. Marines. He mistakenly assumed that the aliens were of hostile intent and were kidnapping four citizens of Earth. He immediately radioed headquarters and troops were dispatched to the area. Meanwhile, inside the space ship, the diplomats dressed the wounds of Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi and gave them clean clothes to wear. The diplomats explained that they had come to share their advanced technology in exchange for leather thongs and apple pies. Jeremy assured the diplomats that all the nations of the world would surely welcome the peaceful aliens with open arms. Suddenly there was an explosion outside the ship, they were being fired upon. Before Janice or Jeremy could do anything about it, the aliens flew the space ship out of the Earth's atmosphere and just beyond the moon where their fleet of warships was waiting. The diplomats told their generals that earthling's were hostile and that they'd fired at the alien's ship. This act of violence would not be tolerated by the aliens so they fired at the Earth and blew it to bits. Janice pinched herself to see if she was dreaming but SHE WAS NOT! Nor was anyone else. Sandy R
Then Kristi remebbered, that a long time ago - it seemed a lifetime - Dianne had said that they were not on Earth. That was just it! That hadn't been earth that the aliens had blown to bits! She told them this and assured them that the real earth was very nice. But the aliens didn't know where the real Earth was - nor did anyone else! Carolyn
Lisa looked at her work. She sighed. She hated being a writer, but it was the only thing she could do for a living. Her mom, also known as 'Marmie', or, as her sister she supported, 'June', her name stepped into the room. "Hi, Lisa!" Marmie greeted her."So, how's your novel going?" Marmie hugged her. Lisa grunted. "Horrible. Pitful. I hate writing!" Lisa complained. Marmie gave her a long, hard look. "I never knew you hated writing! Well, Lisa, that's too bad! Because you have to!" Marmie took hold of Lisa's wrist and glared at her. Marmie clenched her teeth. "Marmie, let go of me." Lisa said calmly. "I won't let go of you until you start writing again." Marmie said through clenched teeth. Lisa shook her head. The door creaked from outside. Marmie looked worried. "Hi, Leese! It's Helen!" Helen called. Marmie raced to the back door, but she saw a wild turkey. Marmie screamed in fright at the sight of the wild turkey. Lisa peeked out the back door. She faced Helen. "If there's one thing Marmie's afraid of," Lisa paused."It's wild turkeys." MJ
Why, do you suppose Marmie is afraid of turkeys. One version of the story dates back to the Thanksgiving of '72. It was during that year that Marmie was slaving away in the Perdue Chicken Processing Plant. After nearly 20 years of service, Marmie had advanced to the position of Head Plucker. She had attained the same position as her mom, Mother Plucker. Or in some circles she's known as the Mother of All Pluckers. Now, one might suppose that Marmie's title would indicate that she was in charge of that part of the plant that plucked the little, tender, oh so soft, feathers off the poor, frightened chickens. Not at all. Her title is a literal one...she pulls/plucks the heads off the chickens. Well, as was stated, Marmie had been doing this for quite some time and was always richly praised but never rewarded for her skills and loyalty. In 1972 the company announced that it would give bonuses to all employees with lots of years of service. "At last!" Marmie thought, "I'll get some extra money to be able to afford a 25 pound Honey Baked Ham for the family instead of one of the fuckin', plucked chickens. Well the big day came around and Marmie, all pride and grins, was called up to the front of the room by none other than the HMPIC (Head mother plucker in charge). She maintained her appearance despite the fact that she was tum pluckered out. When she got up there the HMPIC proceeded to hand her a 25 pound Butterball Turkey (sans feathers). You could say that she got the bird. Upon seeing the blob of butterball she let out such a piercing scream...not unlike the sound of a million chickens being plucked at the same time. And that, dear reader, is the reason Marmie reacts so badly to the sight of a turkey. Gary Teller
But of course that's not the only reason. You see one day Marmie was at a camp fire and everyone was telling ghost stories. Well, one story was about a turkey who was killed for thanksgiving and his ghost went traveling around killing people in order to get back at them. Well when Marmie heard this she thought it was silly but something made her change her mind. One day she was walking trying to clear her head of the chickens last screams, when all of a sudden she heard a moaning sound. Upon hearing that Marmie cried out"Who's there?" and she haerd "It is I the great turkey who has come to pay you back for your evil deed." When Marmie heard that she got so scared that she never wanted to see a turkey again. Chana Rochel Ross
Marmie said "Go away evil turkey ghost and leave me alone!" So the turkey ghost left the scene and decided to follow a voice that kept calling to it. It came from a far away galaxy in a parallel dimension. Being a ghost the turkey had no trouble traversing the distance. The voice grew stronger as the turkey ghost got closer to the source. It soon found itself in the presence of four very distraught humans. "Gobble gobble," the ghost said to the girl who seemed to be calling to it. "Oh great turkey!" said Kristi. "Thank the fates you've heard my call." "Gobble gobble." the turkey ghost said. Janice, Joel and Jeremy were a little stunned that the psychic Kristi had sent a call out to a turkey ghost. They were hoping she would send a call to Dianne who seemed to be the only one who could get them out of this mess but who seemed to be avoiding them like the plague. But they had no other choice than to trust that this turkey would tell them how to get back to earth. Sandy R
Earth was a strange place these days - full of all kinds of strange things. Jeremy said "Do we really want to go back there? Last time we did we got covered in tar and..." ; "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" came the chilling scream, and Janice promptly turned into a ghost turkey and clucked "Ha! Fooled you!" and flew off. Jeez, I don't think anyone expected that. Doofus