Chapter 2
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Fortunately Fluffy, the beloved epicurian elephant, had been riding in the front seat when the van smacked headlong into the brick wall. All the Muppets and their humanoid friends smashed face first into her massive bulk rather than hitting the windshield. The van was a wreck but all the crew limped out to trapse into Vegas unhurt, save Fluffy's sore trunk. She wanted to go to the hospital and Miss Piggy offered to take her, but they agreed to dump a bit of their petty change into the first bandit they came across. | |
| fluffy wondered why everyone kept thinking he was a girl (surely the know fluffy is a boys name!! he thought). This along with his dislocated trunk was making him somewhat distressed. | |
| so he started to jack himself off like a maniac | |
| When Fluffy was finished, he washed his...well, whatever an elephant uses to jack himself off but he was still distressed. And now that they were in Las Vegas he was filled with fear and loathing. But that's another story. So Fluffy, Miss Piggy, Joel, Kristi and the gang of muppets made their way to the strip. They were dazzled by the lights and the people and all the excitement. Fluffy spotted another elephant across the street who was dressed like a hooker. Fluffy suddenly recognized his dear old friend Nellie who had left the circus all those years ago. He trumbled across the traffic choked boulevard calling out to Nellie. Nellie was shocked and embarrassed to see her old friend Fluffy. "Nellie, what has happened to you? What has led you to this lowly state?" Fluffy asked. "Oh Fluffy," Nellie burst into sobs. "Things haven't been easy since I left the circus. The jungle wasn't all it was cracked up to be and one thing led to another and, well, here I am." "Why don't you come with me, Nellie? Let me help you. This city will eat you alive." So Fluffy convinced Nellie to join their little band of adventurers. When they finally arrived at the Star Trek convention... | |
| They saw weird people all over. They decided that they were in the stupidest place they had ever been. But hey, opinions are like buttholes, everyones got one. | |
| Some sort of social disease, they thought. Every single one of them. Personify the words. Something right out of Naked Lunch if it mated with the Medical Dictionary. Eerie, odd, but most of all, nauseating. This, they thought, is why they usually chose Exxon over BP. | |
| Bored to tears by the Star Trek convention, Fluffy and Nellie wandered back into oldtown Vegas where they found a bingo house that advertised free buffets and drinks. At 25 cents a game they figured they could loiter long enough to get th their fill and a cheap buzz. | |
| What they didn't figure was that the owner's of the bingo house were bigots and wouldn't let the elephants in. Nellie and Fluffy were shocked. After all this is the 90's. Fluffy at least assumed he lived in a more enlightened society. He was sorely disappointed. They decided not to dwell on the ignorance of others and took their business elsewhere. | |
| They went with friends of colars,size,and how they dress.The next day Fluffy told her parents what happened.When she told her parents they said,"Fluffy its about time we told you about the world,"they said."The world isn`t perfect yet. The owners of the bingo house are just bigots.They don`t wanto change and thats why we`re living colarful world. | |
| Much to Nellie and Fluffy's sadness, they found no establishments that allowed elephants indoors. They rang Miss Piggy for advice and she suggested they contact a lawyer to complain that the casinos were in violation of the ADA. Fluffy tried but he couldn't fit into any of the phone booths he found, let alone dial the tiny numbers with his trunk. A blue haired lady wearing a big hat ventured by and offered to help. Her name was Bella and suggested that they pose as seeing eye dogs, all Fluffy and his beloved Nellie needed was a harness and ahuman to hold their leashes. In exasperation, Nellie snortled, "I want to be institutionalized, take me to the circus and give me lithium". | |
| My love kissed miss piggy!!!!!!!!!!AHmy life is ruined what to do .SHOW ME LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| "Whoa, did you hear that?" Nellie asked Fluffy. "Hear what?" Fluffy said. "Oh, nothing," Nellie shrugged. "I guess it was just a flashback." Just as Nellie was about to lose all hope, Janice walked by. She recognized Fluffy right away. After all, how many anthropomorphic elephants does one expect to see on the streets of Las Vegas? "Wow! Janice!" Fluffy exclaimed. "Where have you been and how did you get here?" "Well, that's a long story and I may tell you in the next paragraph, or I may not. It all depends on which way the wind blows. But tell me, Fluffy, what's your story?" "Well, after we dropped you off we crashed the van into a wall. Every one survived the crash because my ass acted like an airbag. Then there was some question as to my gender. Then I ran into my dear old friend Nellie here. We finally got to the Star Trek convention and Nellie and I were so bored that left all the muppets and Joel and Kristi there. Since then we've been looking for a bingo house that will allow elephants in. So far, no luck. We were just thinking about posing as seeing eye dogs to get in but we need a human." "Well I'm human!" shouted Janice. "I'll help you out." So Janice put on her sunglasses and they started off to find a bingo house for the blind. | |
| The sunglasses worked, but the outfit wouldn't be complete without leather and chains. Nellie, with her womanly wiles,saw two chaps learing at her from the street corner. Adorned with chains from their hips to their nipples, Nellie ventured over to negotiate a deal. A minute later, she returned with a bounty of bootie entwined in her trunk. Fluffy was upset until she explained, they were afraid I was President Bill in drag, they took off running once I started inhaling. Fluffy and Nellie bowed down as Janice put their collars on. It would be fun they thought posing as seeing eye dogs instead of trying to pass for humans. "Off to Bali's" Fluffy exhorted until he realized he had left his purse in the wrecked van. "No worries" replied Nellie, we can earn a few bickies with a blind woman and two cross dressing elephants here on the street corner. "Whose got a hat or a violin case?" | |
| then she put themon and siad thanks mom | |
| the end | |
| The end of time was near. Kojo and Mywsto entered a deep trance. | |
| scoop | |
| Yes! she thought. She must find a pooper scooper at once. A little voice inside her told her to seek the ever-elusive pooper scooper. Now she knew her destiny. She set off at once. | |
| Nellie and Fluffy walked down the street calmly, acting like seeing-eye dogs while Janice pretended to be blind. It was the only way they could get into the Rad Fad casino. They got in and Nellie and Fluffy gambled away. Suddenly Janice thought -- why was she here? She hated casinos. She wandered out (leaving the two elephants behind) to find Kristi and Joel on the street. "Hi" said all three at once. Just then Dianne walked out. "Huh?" said Janice. "Dianne turned into an angel, about 4 stories ago!" "Yeah I know mom," said Dianne, "I'm here because..." | |
| ...I have to tell you something." "Go on." Janice urged. "Well, I have to tell you that you are not really in Las Vegas. In fact, this is not really earth." "What?!" Shouted Janice, Joel and Kristi. "Well, think about it! If this was really earth, none of the things that have been happening to you could actually happen. People coming back from the dead, talking elephants, exploding thongs? Get real! How many times do you think I'm going to come back?" Dianne said. Janice noticed that Dianne had an unearthly shimmer about her. This was logical, of coarse, because apparently they were not on earth. "Well, if this isn't Earth, where are we? And how do we get back to Earth?" Janice asked. "See, now here's where it get's interesting. I'm only aloud to tell you where you are not. You have to figure out the rest. Now that my job is done, I'm going to disappear now. Toodles." Dianne gave a little wave and then faded away. "Wow, that was bizarre." said Joel. "I know something even more bizarre." Kristi started. "Here comes Jeremy." "Oh my god!" Janice shouted. "I thought he was dead too!" "As you can see, I'm very much alive!" Jeremy laughed. Janice ran to her husband's arms and kissed him deeply. "Jeremy, I'm so glad you are here! What are we going to do now?" "Well, first you have to help me get away from Valerian. He's still alive, too, and I can't get away from him. Here he comes now! We have to get out of here!" | |
| "Whet phau me!" Valerian weakly shouted, his face still flat from the boulder which had allegedly sent him to the land of the 6-feet under. "Wou giize!" It was no use. He had troubled Jeremy far too much in the land of the non-breathers with his speech impediment. "Nod on wou wife!" teased Jeremy. He lead the Janice, Joel, and Kristi away from he-with-the-wicked-slur, and into The Grand Cavern. "We'll wait him out," he whispered. "Stay quiet everyone." | |
| An angry tyrannosaur awoke from its 70-million-year sleep somewhere beneath the Grand Cavern. Unlike many others of its kind, it had remained in suspended animation instead of dying and rotting. It rose, stretched (witch was quite comical-looking, condiderind its puny arms), and sniffed the air. It smelled people above it. It was very hungry... Janice, Joel, Jeremy, and Kristi huddled in a corner of the Grand Cavern, hiding from evil Valerian. They dared not whisper, they dared not even move or Valerian would find them. Kristi heard a distant roar right below her and the floor started breaking open as if some huge monster was crashing through it. | |
| Because, if fact, a huge monster was crashing through it. Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi crouched behind a boulder deeper in the dank cavern. Kristi wimpered in fear. Valerian heard Kristi's wimpering which was amplified by the cavern's natural accoustics. He made his way toward the sound despite the rumbling of the cavern floor. He assumed the rumbling was just an earthquake, and he was not afraid of earthquakes since he'd been raised in California. Just as Valerian was about to discover Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi in their hiding place, the angry tyrannosaur's head burst through the stoney floor of the cavern with a monstrous roar. Everyone let out a horrific shriek but the first person the dinosaur laid eyes on was Valerian. The tryant lizard grabbed Valerian by the leg, tossed him into his great toothy mouth and swallowed him whole. By this time, Jeremy had quieted his family and they huddled tightly together behind the huge boulder. The giant animal's appetite had been whetted by the tastey Valerian so seeing that there was nothing else to eat here, the monster broke free of it's cretaceous prison to find more juicy morsels to eat. It seemed like hours before Janice, Joel, Jeremy and Kristi could move or even speak. Finally, Janice broke the silence... | |
| "Anybody care for a salami and cheese?" "I think I got a couple of sangers and a warm diet coke in my kit." Leaning back on a stalagmite, she whispered, "That was awful, worse than when the van crashed, everybody okay?" Still stunned, Joel , Kristy and Jeremy just stared back at her. It was the vacant look on Joel's face that startled her, it was if he wasn't there. "HULLO JOEL, do you read me? Earth to Joel, come in" Joel returned her questioning eyes, then turned slowly in a complete about-face, sauntering off without a word downhill, deeper into the cavern. "What's wrong Joel?", Janice shouted. Then Kristi looked at her and in a monotone replied, "vesuvius, O74, B9, I23, N47, stepford dumbo." A confused Janice realized something was radically wrong with her cohorts. | |
| A Note said,"We have come to feel the space between the toes of your leader. Please take them to me. The time has come to say 'qwienvosivnfei'" They didn't under stand it | |
| "Strange," Janice said. "It's as if someone was randomly tapping keys on a typewriter." She decided the note was meaningless and tossed it away. She had more important things to worry about, specifically, what was wrong with Jeremy, Joel and Kristi. | |
| Reaching into her kit, Janice was able to find her cellular phone. Her pals were in trouble, somewhere in the back of her mind she recalled reading something about cavern gases. Was it methane that seeped from the walls and caused delirious thinking? She needed to get them out into the fresh air, but couldn't possibly do it alone. Where were Fluffy and Nellie? Kristi's message made a little sense, those were bingo numbers she was recalling, but the rest was goobeltygook. How do you ring a seeing eye elephant at bar anyway? She needed help fast, but as she dialed 9-1-1 the phone dial read, low battery. What could she do? | |
| Thinking quickly, Janice realized that she could probably carry one of them out.But who would it be, and how long until she was also affected by the cavern gas. Would the person she saved be miserable with survivor's guilt? The only logical thing to do at this point was to leave everybody behind and start a new life far from the cavern. She turned to say goodbye to her friends. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to to Kristi, "flank rex, O74, 9-11, dumbo salami." She reached out to hug Joel, "wsadkeas 45sihpw]=ww1z#2oer34" was all that she could utter. Then she turned, smacking her head on a stalagtite and collapsed. | |
| and died. | |
| "Oh man, I hate when that happens." said Dianne, who was standing at the mouth of the cavern with her arms crossed. She shook her head in disgust and then set about the task of moving all the bodies out of the cavern. She laid the bodies neatly in a row outside on the cool damp grass. Then she brought them all back to life. Jeremy sat up, rubbing his head. "What happened?" he groaned and squinted his eyes against the sunlight. "Well you lamers all got yourselves killed." Dianne admonished. "Once again I had to come back from the dead to rescue this pathetic story. I can't keep coming back to help you losers so stop screwing it up!" With that, Dianne disappeared again. "I can't believe we died before we could even figure out where we are." Janice said. "Well, at least Valerian isn't around to bug us anymore." Said Jeremy. "We better get out of here before that T-rex comes back." Said Joel. They all agreed this was a good idea. | |
| But alas it was too late, for the T-Rex had already come back, and it ate them. That just goes to show that you can't cheat fate. The End | |
| But was it? For deep within the dino's stomach, there came a rumbling, grumbling, the likes of which the poor beast had not felt before. And then, with a mighty flash, | |
| terrible,wonderful to behold, there appeared the answer to all his problems. The beast blinked in suprise. It couldn't be! But it was. | |
| terrible,wonderful to behold, there appeared the answer to all his problems. The beast blinked in suprise. It couldn't be! But it was. | |
| A giant hairball! | |
| a giant hair ball came racing towards them as they started to run. they couldn't stand up straight as they had a little to much to drink. they thought it was a big giant pink and brown elelphant but it wasn't. when it came closer they saw what it was. these things are not very often seen in australia the first one in 5 years said one of the men. the other said you haven't seen what they can do to you i nearlly got run over by one. they ran and ran these guys couldn't ran fast so they stopes at a local phone and rang the army now the army was surprised they had only fought one and that was enough for them they changed there vocie and said they had the wrong phone number so they rang the police and they did the same thing. they rang everyone they thought would stop this one thing and then they decided there mother they were both brothers and they new there mum very well mum they said quick come down here to the mall we need you help it all turned out okay the mum stoped the giant hairball and chopped it up and feed it to her cat. | |
| "gross!" said the cat. And every one was very surprised, 'cause everyone knows that cats can't talk | |
| Confounded as to how they had ended up in Australia with a talking cat, they decided to make the best of it. Unwilling to risk death again, Janice, Joel, Kristi and Jeremy agreed that the safest course of action would be to rent a flat in Redfern, it was all that they could afford, and look for casual labor. Their goal was to live a boring life and avoid run-ins with T. Rex. In the Sydney suburbs, they thought they could go unnoticed. Janice got a job driving a gypsy cab, Kristi sang Joplin on the quay for donations, and the menfolk, as you do, decided to apply for the dole. The dole was not as easy as it used to be, and Joel and Jeremy were told that in order to collect their checks they would have to fufill a government project. They would be paid $264.00/week plus film if they were to photograph every anzac memorial on the continent. "No worries", Joelsaid as he and his mate started their trek out of Syndey...a bit of cat jerky in their packs. | |
| Then the alarm clock rang... "What a weird dream Joel thought" He went downstairs to the kitchen to make breakfast. There was a wet spot on the floor that he didn't see in the dark, and he fell... "Help! I've fallen and i can't get up!" He shouted, but no one heard | |
| Which was a blessing as Joel is a loser who ought to be shot . So he died just there . THE END | |
| not really . he he . He ran all the way to Welwyn Garden City , because if he went to the most boring place on earth then nothing more wierd could happen ........ but no ......... | |
| If the most boring place on earth were just wierd ,too, then he'd be in big trouble. So, Tony picked up his teddy bear back pack and redid his lipstick and started hitchicking. Showing a little leg, he was picked up right away by a large lesbian truck driver. "You ain't no wo-man!" Tony giggled, and puffed his hair with his comb and settled into his seat comfortably..... | |
| It was a seemingly perfect day when Daria woke up... She took a shower and got dressed, ready to go out the door to rehersal. She peeked into her father's study to tell him she was leaving, and she found him there... In a pool of gore and blood. And quite obviously-dead | |
| Daria screamed. "Daddy!" she panicked. She took a few deep breathes to clam herself down, but it didn't work. Finally she picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1.It rang once. Twice. Three times. "Hello?" someone finally answered. "Hi." Daria said breathlessly. " I found my dad here- um, dead, and so I'd kinda like to report a crime." Daria looked around for any protective gear. She found a bat, but she had to listen to the man on the phone. "Yeah, uh-huh. Okay. Just hurry!" Daria hung up. Soon, after about twenty minutes, three policemen and a reporter came over. "Hi." policeman #1 grunted. "I hope you don't mind if we brought a reporter along." policeman #2 said. Daria just grunted. She talked to the reporters a while, than grabbed her coat and raced over to her best friend's house, June. She slammed the front door nad raced up to June's bedroom. June was there, studying. "Hi, June. Sorry if I caught you at a bad time like this, but this is really important." Darcia explained. "It's okay." June closed her red and white notebook. Daria glanced at the pink heart and the middle, and told her the WHOLE story. "Whoa." June looked exhausted. "You've had a rough time." Daria nodded and panted for effect. June laughed. Daria said she had to go. June nodded. She went back to her studying. Lionel walked through the door. June looked up. "Hi, Lion." June looked back down at her writing. She shook her head and closed the book. "Hi, June. I just missed you. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day." Lion gave her a bunch of flowers. "Oh, Lion! This is so sweet!" June cooned. Lion smiled. "Close your eyes, June." Lion suggested. June closed her eyes. She started feeling colder, and naked. "Are you taking me somewhere or something?" June asked, but Lion didn't answer. Finally, Lion said, "Now you can open your eyes." June opened her eyes. She was on top of the covers and in her underwear. | |
| The door of June's bedroom flung open and there stood Janice. "June!" She shouted at her adopted daughter. "Why the hell are you sitting on your bed in underwear? Where is your thong?!" June looked shamefully at the floor. "And you..." Janice continued. "What kind of a name is Lion for a person to have? Leave my daughter's room and my house at once!" Lion slunk out of the room and down the stairs. "Man I thought you were dead." he said as he left. "Ha!" Janice laughed. "You'd think they'd learn by now that I am immortal!" She said triumphantly. "No matter how they try to kill me off, or Joel or Jeremy, we will always come back! And soon, my darling adopted daughter," Janice said to June. "You too will know the secret of immortality and you will live forever with us." June began to sob. "But I don't want to live forever!" she whined. "Not if it means I have to be a member of the Janice, Joel, Jeremy and June clan. Oh, it's too horrible!" She began to wail. "Oh, you're just young. You'll come to your senses soon enough. Come along, we have to go get Joel and Jeremy out of the morgue again. You know how clostrophobic Joel gets in those places." June had no choice but to go along with her immortal step-mother. When they got to the morgue... | |
| then one day step mother dies and June lives happilie | |