Chapter 1
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Once upon a time there were two children named Cassandra and Valerian, who were sister and brother. Cassandra was 10, and Valerian was 8. Their father Alonzo was the court magician to King Ferdinand, the ruler of the small but prosperous mountain kingdom of Aloria. Each of the children had become Alonzo's apprentice when they turned 7, which was the usual age for such things. Cassandra was adept at mixing potions by now; Alonzo was still working on the basics, like grinding powders and sharpening quill pens. | |
| Valerian was very mad one day because someone had called him Alonzo. Cassandra tried to comfort him, but it was no use. Valerian wanted revenge........ | |
| so he hunted down this man who had called him Alonzo. He searched for five years and finally found him, his name was Rodrigo. He also found Cassandra with him. It seems she had paid Rodrigo to call him "Alonzo". "That Bitch!" Valerian pulled out his portable rocket laucher and blew a missle down both of their throats. After this he turned himself in to the police. He was soon found guilty of murder and was sentanced to life in prison with a man named Alonzo | |
| On a particularly foul day, a mysterious women came to see Valerian during visiting hours. She was wearing a dark cloak and Valerian could not see who she was. They sat down on opposite sides of the visitors window. "Who the hell are you?" He growled at her. "Someone from your past." The woman said. She removed the hood of her cloak to reveal her face. "Oh God, you!" Valerian gasped. It was Janice. "I've come to get you out of here." She opened her cloak to reveal the Q-38 explosive space modulator. He noticed that she was clad only in a leather holster and thong. "Janice...you've changed." | |
| Out of the shadows appeared Joel and Jeremy, who where also clad only in leather holsters and thongs. "We HAVE changed," explained Joel. "Between scenes, we joined this new cult without a name. It's leader promised us that we would be granted everlasting life if we could convince you to become our first recruit." Jeremy chimed in. "You know, Valerian, it isn't that different from multi-level marketing." Valerian began to think that he was better off in confinement. "They say that NuSkin began like this," added Jeremy. "And look where they are today! Imagine the opportunities open to you at the ground floor of our cult with no name." | |
| Then Joel woke up!!! What a dream!! Spooky!!! Was there a message trying to be sent by having that dream? | |
| Janice walked into to Joel's room. "You better get up and get your thong on, we have a universe to save!" she said. "Egads! You're right!" Joel said. "By the way, mom, what happened to Valerian?" "Who?" Janice asked. "Uh, never mind." | |
| as she slipped out of her sheer black chemise, she wondered if she had ever truly known what she wanted to do with her life... the peanut butter spead evenly on the english toasting bread was good though. As the sun caressed her aereolas. | |
| Janice took a small bite from the slice of toast. She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt the sun touch various area across her chest. The warmth on her breasts and coolness on her back gave her a chill. Joel was in the shower singing a Barney favorite. Dawn sat down by Janice, "hello my love", she said as she gave Janice a soft loving kiss. "Jan, Did you sleep well", Dawn asked. "Very will Dawn", Janice said. "Dawn is my favorate time in the morning", a snicker came from Janice, "pun intended", she said giggling at her own joke. Dawn snuggled behind Janice, wrapping her arms tightly around, causing her breast to jiggle, when suddenly... | |
| Kristi came running in. "Kristi!!!," shrieked Janice. "You're supposed to be dead! Like several stories ago! You should be a skeleton by now!" "Yah, I know, Mom, " said Kristi. "But apparently nobody really dies around here. I mean, that floozy Dawn you're jiggling around with, take her for instance. She died and her ashes were sent to outer space for cripes sake. And yet here she is with you jiggling all the way." The veins in Janice's head were beginning to throb. This confusion was getting a bit too much for her. "This is so bizarre!," she said. "People long dead popping in and out like this...I don't know what's real anymore!" Kristi pointed to Dawn's chest and exclamed, "Well I doubt those are." Dawn was shocked to hear that and ran out of the room sobbing (and jiggling) uncontrollably. She almost knocked Joel over as she ran past him in the hallway. "I must be dreaming, yeah, that's it dreaming...wake up Janice, wake up!!," Janice said to herself. She began to get hysterical. Meanwhile, | |
| Janice realized something. "Dawn, I thought you were dead. I mean, that box of ashes had your name on it." "Oh that," Dawn said nonchalantly. "That was actually my evely twin, Donne. People were always getting us confused." She explained. "So was it Donne that stole away my Jeremy all those years ago?" Janice asked. "Absolutely," said Dawn. "She was so evil." Dawn kissed Janice on the cheek and Janice turned to kiss Dawn on the mouth when suddenly the door flew open. "At last I've found you, you wicked girl!" It was Jeremy. | |
| He was dressed only in a leather holster and a thong and he carried a really big gun. Standing behind him was Valerian who was dressed identically. "Still into thongs, I see." Said Janice. "Janice," said Jeremy. "We've come to bring you back to the cult with no name." "Yeah," said Valerian. "Oh puh-lease," Janice said, rolling her eyes. "I am so not into that anymore." "I'm afraid you have no choice." Jeremy said. "Yeah!" said Valerian. "Oh get over it, Jeremy. I'm not going with you. That part of my life is over." Suddenly, a huge boulder fell from the second story window landing on Jeremy and Valerian, effectively killing the cult sub-plot. "Oh my God!" Shouted Dawn. "Where did that boulder come from?" "I did it." said Joel as he came downstairs. "But how?" Dawn was dumbfounded. "We discovered some time ago that Joel has incredible telekinetic powers." Janice explained, smiling at her pride and joy. "I knew it all the time because I'm psychic." said Kristi. "Thanks for taking care of that problem for me, Joel." "No problem, mom." Joel said and gave his mom a hug. "Big deal," said Kristi. "I could have done that if I wanted to." She skulked off to a corner to sulk. Then the doorbell wrang. | |
| Dawn went to answer the door, though she was still completely nude. A little girl with thick glasses and dressed in a cute drab brown skirt with matching beanie was standing there with a large box of cookies bulging out from under her little arms. The little girl cleared her throat and said, "Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm selling chocolate chip cookies to raise money for my troop. Is the lady of the house in?" Dawn giggled and put her hands to her naked hips. "Oh you silly little thing! Lady of the house, indeed! Those glasses are awfully thick for such a little girl like yourself. What do I look like to you?" Dawn struck a pose and giggled. The little girl adjusted her thick glasses on her tiny nose and cleared her throat again. She snapped, "Well judging from the size of you, you're either the lady or the HOUSE!" And with that she trotted off to the next house. Stunned, Dawn went back in the house and drew the shades. | |
| She went into the kitchen where the rest of the family was finishing their coffee and peanut butter english muffins. "You know, I'm getting a little tired of hanging around this kitchen." said Joel. "Me too!" said Kristi. "Even though I haven't been here that long." "We should have an adventure." Joel said. "Like what?" asked Dawn. "Let's climb Mt. Everest!" Janice said excitedly. "That's a great idea, but are we back on earth now?" Joel said. "Well, I'm assuming we are." Janice looked to the others and seeing that no one disagreed, the three buxom ladies and the 9 year old boy packed their bags and headed for the Himalayas. But before they got there, | |
| They realized that they would have to get clothed to climb the great Everest. "I enjoy my nudity too much", Dawn said. Kristi, the perky of the bunch, said "Your're right", I think we could do enough damage in this town". "Ok, let's party", Janice said, putting a Thong on. "Boy it's a good thing we have soooo many thongs around. The 3 women decided to hit the town. As the door closed behind the three topless thonged women, Joel smiled, he has plans of his own... | |
| Joel locked the door and ran upstairs to his room where he was building a secret thong factory. "Hee hee, soon every woman in the world will be wearing one of my thongs." Joel was giddy at the meer thought of it. "No one will be able to resist me because I have telekinetic powers!" Joel laughed and evil laugh. Of course Kristi, being psychic, knew all this was happening and she tried to warn Janice and Dawn. But Janice and Dawn explained to Kristi that it was a good thing and after Kristi thought about for a minute, ten seconds to be exact, she agreed and they all skipped on their merry way. They didn't even notice that right across the street... | |
| Right across the street, in the house the 2 women and the 5-year-old psychic girl had just left, Joel snickered to himself. He had put explosives in all the thongs, and soon all the women in the world would go KABLOOIE!!! He wrote in microscopic lettering on the side of one thong, "All women are sex finatics, beuaty depentent STICKS, and/or just plain WEIRD! And by the time they realize this they will be DEAD!" He left the factory to make the ten million more explosive thongs he would need to carry out his evil plan, after grabbing three and hurrying after Dawn, Janice, and Kristi. "Hey you guys," he said, "try on these BETTER thongs instead of your skimpy ones! It's free too!" THe 3 women didn't know that these thongs contained Joel's deadly explosives which would set off the moment a woman put them on... | |
| Dawn was so excited about her new thong that she grabbed it and put it on before the other two could get theirs on and she exploded in a puff of smoke. "Oh my God!" Janice cried. "What happened to Dawn?" "She must have spontaneously combusted" Joel tried to fool his mother. "No!" said the psychic Kristi. "You put bombs in these thongs!" She accused her wicked brother. "Joel, is this true?" Janice queried. "Yes! Yes! It's true! And soon all the women of the world will blow up just like Dawn! Muahahahaha!" "I can't believe I'm the mother of a nine year old misogynistic evil genius!" Janice lamented. "But why would you do such a thing?" Kristi whined. "Because all women are sex fanatics, beauty dependent STICKS, and are just plain WIERD!" Joel shouted. "Some one needs an attitude adjustment." Said Janice. "And I'm just the one to do it!" She pulled out a very large gun and blew a huge hole in Joel's head, knocking him forty feet and spewing his brains all over the pavement. "Girl Power." Janice said. "Oh my God!" Kristi cried. "That wasn't Joel at all, it was... | |
| that drunk asss bitch Darrell, Dam he always invades the seen with such distorted tactics, but once again, CoaCoa puts him in his place, she knew what he needed as she slowly opened her robe and took his hand and placed his fingers in her wet pussssy, "Oh God", she yelled as his bulge grows bigger and bigger. the sweat starts to pour off of them both as he sinks into her walls, "Oh Baby", he yells as they both lay in pure ectasy. The fire and passion is even greater now as they start to forfill each others fantasies one by one. "Dam somethings missing", CoaCao yells, and before you know his friend Rob walks in. "Down for a Menaje' Twa", Rob implies and to CoaCao's surprise Darrell | |
| whips out a very large gun and shoots Rob for misspelling menage et toi. Then Janice ran to Darrell and grabbed the gun away from him. "Goddamn you!" She shouted and shot CoaCoa for being such a slut and misspelling 'damn'. "Jeez! You people are way too uptight about spelling!" Darrell said. "And this is for you for totally ignoring me you whore!" Janice growled and leveled the gun at Darrell's throbbing member, but before she could pull the trigger... | |
| several policemen ran into the room shouting, "Nobody move!!" "We received a call about a disturbance, " said one policeman, who was the Chief. "Something about sex fanatics, beauty dependent sticks, and er....WIERDOS??" Another cop scanned the room and said, "Yup, this must be the place alright!" CoaCoa was bleeding to death in a corner, Rob was all over the place (literally), and Janice was standing there aiming a trigger right at Darrell's joystick, which lay limp and joyless. "Ohmygod! Look at this goddamn mess!, " shouted the Chief. "Take them in, boys." The cops whipped out their handcuffs and then | |
| the Chief said "You are all under arrest for not knowing the correct spelling of menage a trois!" "Hair splitter," Janice mumbled. Then the real Joel showed up in a home made space ship of his own design. "Quick! Mom! Sis! Get inside and put on these space suits!" Kristi and Janice made a break for the ship under a hail of gunfire from the police. They made it safely inside and quickly got into their space suits. As Joel closed the door they could see Darrell begging them to take him along. They ignore his pleas. Soon they were once again out of the Earth's atmosphere. "I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get to climb Mt. Everest." Janice sighed. But little did she know a greater adventure was yet instore for them. | |
| Darrell wondered, "did they send me to the store for peas?" His mind was spinning. Panic is not a pleasant state, especially when you pass the city limits! | |
| There was not a moment to lose. He gathered himself into one large knot of coiled muscle and grit and sprang into the sand hill. "Dumb," he thought. "I should'uv worn my hat". Darrell was determined though, and he plucked the chicken from the ever advancing shift of sand. In one swift motion he pulled its neck taught and bit the head off clean as you please. "Wham, bam, thank ya m'am." The head's eyes were open wide with amazement and still blinking excitedly. Darrell lit up a Camel and pounded the side of his. "God damn sand," he muttered, exhaling a blue cloud. | |
| Darrell coughed. It was the cough of a body wracked by the years of smoking, drinking and dancing the macarena. Sweat dripped from his brow to the ground. "Bucbuc". It was the head. Darrell had almost forgotten. | |
| Darrell made his way past the body, decapitated and bloody. He smirked, "how finger-likin' good". It would soon be dark and the wind blown sands would cover his tracks. He pulled out the fowl and he headed back to where he had left the others. | |
| The others, left hiding in the dark corners of the alley, had already begun to eat their dinner. Scraps of a meal already picked over by those who could afford to go to a grocery store. But we, the dark children of the night, had to live at the mercy of society. So everyday we found a new way to get our revenge. Our payback. Let them suffer. Suffer as we do. Right now. And every day and night from now on. | |
| And soon the darkness engulfed the Children of Daylight who arrived quietly trying to save the Dark Ones from themselves. With spears, bows and kitchen knives they fought mightily against the Evil Ruler who held the Dark Ohildren captive within his power. Nothing worked. The Children of Daylight retreated to a corner and plotted. They decided their plan of attack. Swiftly they scurried to the center of the room and in unison chanted nursery rhymes while the Sly One snuck up behinf the Evil One and dumped a bucket of yogurt upon his head. The Evil One went into a fit of anger until he realized it was his favourite flavour. STRAWBERRY! | |
| This sent the Evil One into a sudden fit of introspection. "Why am I here?" he thought. "What's it all about?" He sat down on the floor and began licking the stawberry yogurt off himself. The Children of daylight took this opportunity to whisk away the Dark Children to the deprogramming clinic. The Sly one felt pity for the Evil One and sat down on the floor next to him. "Can I be of any help?" the Sly One offered. "I'm just so confused," whined the Evil One. "First there was that whole bizarre Zsa Zsa thing and the apple pies and ghosts and psychic people. Then there was the space travel and other planets and aliens, allergic reactions, flame throwing squirrels, boxes of ashes, people coming back from the dead, wild tangents, cults with no name, exploding thongs and what ever happened to Janice, Joel and Kristi? I mean, what's it really all about?" "I guess it's just the mystery of life and we will never know." the Sly one said. "God, I'm depressed." said the Evil one. But suddenly, out of nowhere, came... | |
| Janice, Joel and Kristi! "Oh my God!" Janice screamed. "Is this was it has all come down to? People disappearing and reappearing. What is all supposed to mean?" Krisi smiled and replied."Don`t worry, Janice. We are back and that is all that matters. What do you think think, Joel?" Joel though for a few minutes and said," I dunno." Janice said,"Joel! Do something! Don`t just stand there." So Joel took his sharped sword and began shaving, thinking to himself, "If I succeed in this I had better look good after it`s done for Janice. And if she`s not interested... well, there`s always Krisi." | |
| Obviously Joel had sustained a massive head injury during the crashing landing of their space ship and now suffered from amnesia. Janice reminded her son that he was still only 9 years old and did not need to shave just yet. Then Janice turned to the Evil One and the Sly One and said,"So, what have we missed?" The Evil One still sat on the floor with his head in his hands and heaving long sighs. The Sly One spoke up. "Well, Evil here is suffering from the existential blues. My Children of Daylight have just rescued the Children of Darkness from the clutches of the Evil One. There's nothing more to do here so you all just be on your way. I'll stay here and help Evil through this rough period." Meanwhile, Kristi was fighting off Joel's lewd advances. "I'm your sister, Joel, stop it!" Kristi shouted. "Okay, kids, stop fighting. It's time to go." Janice said. And so they all left. They were on there way to Las Vegas for the Star Trek convention when suddenly... | |
| They encountered an hitch hiking elephant named Fluffy. Fluffy was also on his way to Las Vegas to star in a new Caberet show. | |
| Janice was surprised at how much luggage Fluffy had with him for such a short stay in Las Vegas. But when Janice interrogated him about it, Fluffy explained that he had held up the Muppet Show with a sawn off shot gun and all the muppets had decided to come along with him and be in his show, which explained why there was so much luggage. | |
| When Janice inspected the baggage,however it turned out to be heavily ladded with food. Not ordinary food..like flour and salt, but odd items especially blue cheese and capers, salmon and water biscuits, not to mention the many bottles of Frexienet. Where was Flurry expecting to end up? The Isle of Capris? And with whom..surely Russell was dead by now. Perhaps to enter the circus and entrap the FAT WOMBYN? It remained a mystery until one of the muppets spoke up. | |
| "Umm, that's all mine," Miss Piggy explained. "Well," Janice sighed. "I suppose you can all come with us. But you'll have to leave something behind." So Fluffy and the muppets decided to leave a case of Frexienet on the side of the road. Then Janice, Joel and Kristi loaded all the muppets' luggage onto the roof of the van while the muppets and the elephant got inside. Soon they were back on their way to Vegas to seek fame, fortune and Leonard Nimoy's autograph. | |
| En route to Vegas, Janice left the group when she found her long-lost friend, Blancmange Repaire, at a gas station in Sordiaville. | |
| sshe decided to think that was stupid so she left the crappy site she was in. | |
| Miss Piggy and Flurry were a hundred miles away before they even began to notice that Janice was gone. Curled up in the front seat of the old Plymouth with Piggy driving, Flurry's trunk over her shoulder, they were in a world of their own. As they approached Vegas...the brilliant lights still beyond the darkened horizon, they chatted earnestly about the eccentricities of human existence. In between arguing over the merits of War and Peace and Crime and Punishment,they snacked on canopes of salmon and brie. Perhaps it was the many sips they both took from the opened bottle of Friexinet, that brought them to the ultimate question;Is interspeciel sex safe? | |
| Meanwhile, in the back of the van, Kristi, Joel and the rest of the muppets were singing 'Moving right along, doobee dum doobee dum' when Joel suddenly noticed that Janice was no longer with them. "Hey, where's my mom?" he shouted over the din. "Hey, Kermit is missing too!" Kristi yelled. "Kermit is dead." Said Fozzy. "Yeah, where have you been?" said Gonzo, rolling his big bulgey eyes. "Well what about my mom?" Joel persisted. "Don't worry about it, kid. I'm sure she'll catch up to us in Vegas." said Miss Piggy from the driver's seat. She polished off the bottle of Friexinet and tossed it out the window. "On to Ceaser's Palace!" Piggy shouted and punched the accelerator. | |
| Moments after Piggy accelerated the van smashed into a brick wall which had been erected in the middle of the road | |
| "Ha ha!" Yelled Kermit. "She's finally out of my life!" | |