Chapter 7
| The Story | The Authors |
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| Joel decided there must be a bathroom somewhere on Earth, so he had to get back, but how? He had to re-enter to do that. Space suits weren't built for re-entry. Joel pondered THIS, and decided to | |
| Joel decided to construct a reentry shield made from a pack of chewing gum, a condom, some freeze dried spagitti and his lucky stone. Joel proceeded to chew the entire pack of gum. He wrapped the freeze dried spagetti and rock in the condom. He held his breath, and placed all the contents outside into space.Joel then formed the gum into a octgonical web he learned into quantum physics. He placed the condom pack at the front of the newly created apparatus. The coldness of space froze the gum almost instantly. Joel gracefully performed the pee pee dance in the direction of earth, ready for reeentry. He knew the contents of the condom, once heated past 1000 degrees, would melt over the gum shape, creating a shield, once the freeze dried spagetti was spread out enough, it would super cool the rock back into a solid. | |
| Janice was pleased that her brainiac son Joel, who was only 9, passed quantum physics and was able to construct such an apparatus. And what a creative use of the condom, she thought. She happily preoccupied herself with the wonders of latex and sheepskin when she noticed something strange. | |
| The freeze dried spagetti really wasn't spagetti, it was pork-n-beans. "My God" Janice thought as they began there accelerating plunge toward the earth. "The freeze dried pork-n-beans won't withstand reentry, the chemical bond won't adhere to the latex. Their speed began to increase even more, both tucking behind the bubblishous trojan shield. "What would happen next", Janice thought to herself as they began to see the glow of friction from the atomosphere began to heat the shield. | |
| They continued down through the atmosphere. Once 5 muinits had passed, Janice had an itchy sunburn which was getting worse. Flames began to lick through the bubble-gum walls, which were not protected by stone like they should be, as the crimson glow around them turned brilliant orange. Part of Janice was going, "Wow, God can sure do amazing things," but most of her was going "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HELP IM GONNA DIE!". Fortunalely, her mouth didn't do anything. Joel was so shaked up that he didn't remember most of quantum physics, but he tried to convert his shirt, hat, and a bit of string into a parachute. All the parachute did was catch on fire. So did Janice's hair, and Janice screamed. Her once beuatiful, waist-length rich blonde hair was now a scrawny mass of ashes! Well thank goodness her hair and the parachute were the only things that had caught fire so far. Just then | |
| Just then, Janice's breast implants began to resonate from the x band waves that echo at this height in the atmosphere. The resonating waves began to form a pocket just below the gum sheild and started to protect the 2 from the heat of the re-entry. Janice couldn't help but orgasm from the sensations, he held onto her son tight and hoped for the best, this was one hell of a way to go out, he didn't know if she was cuming or going. A rogue weather ballon that just appeared under them, caught onto the ends of what was left of the parachute, there accelerating plunge to earth began to slow, they wern't falling as fast, but not safe enough speed to land without breaking more that a few bones. We need to lighten the weight up son, get rid of everything you can, we need to lighten the load, as Janice began disrobing. | |
| Then Janice decided she shouldn't undress, because their "ship" might crash in the middle of some people. After throwing her entire collection of Scrunchies and both space suits overboard, plus a heavy sweater Joel had been wearing, Janice realized that there was no weight except for the space ship itself, herself, and Joel, they were falling slow enough that there was no air friction, and yet they would still probably break their necks when they creash-landed on Earth. Luckily, they crash-landed at a place called | |
| Paula's Palace of Pillows and were greeted by a crowd of curious onlookers. | |
| One onlooker named Betsy Bubbles walked up and asked, "Who be you?" | |
| Janice looked around, mouth full of feathers. Her eyes bloodshot, half open, wondering if this was heaven or hell. Her son, finally found a place to releive himself, near the b153 model "superior comfort" pillow sale. Janice could only look around in amazement, as the sweater she earlier had discarded fell upon Betsy killing her instanty due to the tremendious force of the reentry velocity. Glen, the assistant manager at the time, came toward Janice. "Excuse me miss", he exclaimed in a soft voice, "you ARE going to have to pay for that", saying in a nerdy, yet stern voice. After the ordeal she had just been thru, Janice had something to say, she said... | |
| "I just have one thing to say to you!" But before Janice could finish, an old man ran up to the remains of Betsy Bubbles, waved his fists in the air and yelled, "Oh Betsy! Oh my poor Betsy babe! Someone has burst my Bubbles!!" Such a tragedy, too. It seems Betsy Bubbles was the main attraction at the Jolly Jiggler, a local strip joint down the street. "Uh...I didn't do it," was all Janice could say. Then she turned to Glen the assistant manager and said | |
| "Listen you little pencil neck geek, I've had one hell of a day, all starting with my son having to take a piss!", Janice Barked. "I've got one hell of a sun burn, I have this Segorney Weaver do to deal with, my son the brain child doesn' t know the difference between pork-n-beans and spagetti and my tits hurt!", Janice continued. "Now if you want me to pay for that damn pillow, I want to see you take it from me you little prick", Janice stood up towering over Glen. Glen's forhead began to form beads of sweat. Glen said... | |
| "Umm, Miss, I'm so sorry.." As Glen swallowed, Janice could see his Adam's apple jump about a foot. "Of course...no... the pillow is yours." He turned away from Janice...hoping she would leave, hoping she would just take the damn pillow and leave...but she wouldn't. She wasn't done yet. Glen turned back around. The knuckles of Janice's left hand caught him on the right side of the face, her diamond ring leaving a deep gash in his flesh. "You forgot my change, you bastard!" And she thought to herself: That's how I'm going to take care of that little bitch Sigourney Weaver too! | |
| A while laater Janice met up with Joel again. "Mom," said Joel, "Why are those policemen chasing us?" "Oh those damnn bitches", said Janice, "Why can't those crappy %&$ leave us alone?" "Mom! You know better than to talk like that!" "Oops," Janice slapped her hand over her moutth, remembering that she had talked that way to Glen as well. "I don't know," she saaid very truthfully, "what came over me." Just then a policeman with huge bulging eyes came over. "You're charged with making illegal movements," he said. "WHAT?" askd Janice. The policeman replied, "There's a new law which says you can't swing your hips around. It offends some people you see." Then another policeman with huge, batlike ears came over. "You're also charged," he said, "for using swear words and calling the POLICE bitches." A policeman with a nose that looked more like a hugge red Nerf ball than a nose came over. "You're also charged with not taking a bath in 2 days. You smell AWFUL!" Thn a policeman with his tongue hanging out of his mouth came over and said, "You're charged with eating at MacDonalds!!" he said. "HEY," said Janice, "MacDonalds isn't illegal!" "But it serves terrible food!" "SO?" Janice was turning purple with aanger. A policeman with bright green skin came over and said, "You have to stay in jail for 6 weeks, pay $4 590, and if anyone ever wants to sue you, they win." [evil laughter from all policemen] NO! Janice wanted to scream. She couldn't go to jail. Suddenly... | |
| there was a movement at the window. Janice lookes up and did'nt make a thing of it: A big and roundeyed Owl sat on the sill and had a funny looking paper in its clows. The owl seemed to laugh... | |
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The policemen were not policemen they were aliens! So was the owl!
The policemen/aliens captured Janice and Joel and the owl/alien gave
them the peice of paper. It said:
EARTHLINGS MUST STAY AT THE MACDONALDS IN OUTERSPACE FOR 10 YEARS [evil laughter from aliens] Actulally Janice and Joel didn't mind eating at MacDonalds but there was nothing to do between meals and aftr a week they got tired of all the meals, and even the desserts. (Janice had gained 7 pounds and never wanted to see a McFlurry again.) They had to escape but how? "I can use the escape pod!" said Joel. But Janice wouldn't agree to that. Remember what happened last time he tried to re-enter? After much discussion they decided to... | |
| convert all the MCDonald's Special Sauce into extra fuel for the escape pod and blast off for the Asteroid Belt. "Well, I'm sure glad you read up on all that Quantum Physics", Janice said to Joel. Within minutes they were on their way to the Asteroid Belt; in a couple of days they passed the orbit of Mars - but were getting tired of living off Big Macs and fries... | |
| Luckily, some friendly aliens livedon the asteroids and were glad to let Janice and Joel live with them. BUT the asteroid they lived on was really a great big Big BIG MAC! And the other asteroids were just french fries! Janice and Joel could neve live here. And they coouldn't live on Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, or Neptune because they were just 10 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 or so kilotonnes of soda which had formed huge balls, like all liquid does in zero gravity. And Pluto was just an ice cube from Jupiter. Where could they live now? | |
| Joel had another idea. He made a suspended animation machine out of some of the aliens' equipment and ice from Pluto. They took off for Zeta Reticuli, and put themselves into suspended animation for the 157 years it would take to get there... | |
| They landed on Zela Reticuli. A nice little rancor got them out of suspended animation. Then the Daddy rancor came in. "Qozete!" he roared. "Pai lmar nyppyt pjem pa szeu ropj uait gaaf!" The little rancor replied, "Uai vemp puzz qy rjep pa fa!" It continued like this for some time. Then Janice realized, this wasn't Zeta Reticuli! Rancors only lived on a planet called Pepaamy. (The one in Star Wars was actually shipped to Tatooine by a g'tyopyt freighter and cost Jabba the Hutta zillion dollars. Which is why he wanted Han Solo's money. But I'm getting off topic.) Fortunately she knew a little Rancor language and yelled, "Zaal nyjomf uai!" The rancors spun aroundand Janice and Joel ran away. Then they realized that they would never be safe on Pepaamy because... | |
| rancors would go crazy over the McDonalds' special sauce they were using to power their spaceship. They snuck back to their spaceship and climbed aboard. Joel checked their fuel supply -- they still had about 10 million years' worth of fuel. They blasted off Pepaamy and settled into a synchronous orbit to plan their next move... | |
| They continued towards Zeta Reticuli as planned. 50 years later a nice little zoxetfa lizard woke them out of suspended animation. Zoxetfa lizards have the legs of kangaroos, the arms of donkeys, the heads of falcons, the tentacles of jellyfish, and the tails of dinosaurs. They have scales all over their bodies, so they are calles lizards. They can only speak in vowels. This one said, "aOOa eaAue IeE aOUea!" and then a million other zoxetfa lizards came and they all said, "aOe uUeeu!" and then, "eE aaAa aEAaeu Oe euaEe!" and they wanted to eat JAnice and Jol! | |
| Janice quickly realized that, with over a million zoxetfa arguing over who should eat them first, she and Joel would have several hours to escape... | |
| So they ran out of the ship. One zoxetfa, named eAaEeIE, discovered they were gone and ran after them, thinking it was his chance to eat them. He decided he would save Joel for his girl friend IAe. Just then he caught up with Joel and Jance and... | |
| Joel said, "Mom, one zoxetfa by itself is no trouble, since it is only 3cm high; it's the million or so arguing back near the ship we have to worry about. So, Joel crushed eAaEeIE with his foot. The explored for about 10 minutes, and found some interesting plants that Janice figured would help them vary their diet. They headed back to the ship, where the other zoxetfa were still arguing, snuck back aboard, and took off. | |
| Unfortunately the zoxetfas were still on boar. They now couldn't get Janice and Joel though because they (the people, not the lizards) were in suspended animation. Then one named aAeIa was playing with the controls. She mae the ship head straight for a black hole, and the sheilds were down and the ship was firing at itself! aAeIa didn't knoww this, so she kept puncing buttons. The suspended animation turned off. Janice and Joel found themselves sealed in the now nonfunctional suspended animatio pods and realized that... | |
| They were about to Go into the blak hole! They climbed out of the pods and ran to the control room but they where to late. Just then, | |
| Janice fired a laser beam at the black hole, which killed the black hole. All the things that got sucked into he black hole before came spewing out and hit the ship. A cow suddenly burst through the airlock into the cabin, and... | |
| got sucked back out as the cabin explosively decompressed. Joel managed to force the inner airlock door closed, and Janice turned on the emergency air supply to re-fill the cabin. But now their outer airlock door was smashed (by the cow), so they needed to find a planet to land on, to repair the outer door. | |
| Just then, Valerie burped. The explosive force of gases destroyed the whole solar system, and blasted Janice & Joel's space ship to a planet filled with the Ezoyms, freindly aliens and skilled mechanichs. Unfortunately.... | |
| Valerie turned into Marvin the marchin And said "I'mgoing to blow up the universe.(UUUURRRRRRPPPPPP) TIME FORE NEW STORY! | |
| Actually, the aliens of Ezoym didn't trust Janice and Joel, who decided to... | |
| TELL THE ALIAN'S THAT THEY WOULD GO HOME AND GET THE GOLD. | |
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Josie stared at the story she had written. Gold, sex, love, and
more. It was incredibly disgusting. Josie sighed. She heard a knock
on the door. She answered it, and she couldn't believe who it was.
"Datty!" she yelled excitedly as she answered the doorbell. Her father laughed. "Has all that writing got to your head? Sweetie, spit it out." her father encouraged her. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed. Her father laughed again. She grinned. Her boyfriend Shawn walked down the steps. "Jo, what in the world." he stopped short when he saw Josie's dad. "Oh, sorry, Mr. Weinfilt, but we do that." Josie's dad laughed. " No problem." Josie's father replied. "I'd be on my way now." Josie and Shawn waved good-bye. Shawn looked at Josie. He bent down and looked up at her. " Josephine Weinfilt, will you marry me?" Shawn asked her. Josie's eyes glowed with delight and nodded yes. Two weeks after the honeymoon............. | |
| Janice woke up. She had been dreaming that she was a young and beuatiful girl again. Then she realized - she was in an Ezoym bed. A young Ezoym girl with 6 arms was leaning over her. "You okay?" asked the girl, whose name was Kemovy. "You just blacked out when we said we didn't trust you." "Oh that," said Janice, "it was nothinng much." She sat up and realizd that not only did Kemovy have 6 arms, she had 3 eyes and 4 legs, and so did all the other natives of the planet Ezoym. "What I really need is to find my son and get my ship fixed," said Janice. "The latter has already been accomplished," stated Kemovy, "but you may not see your son yet because..." | |
| "You will have to pay for the spare parts we used to fix your ship. Since you have no Teubrula to play for our services and parts, you will be required to work till it's payed for" Kemovy instructed. "Please understand, I can't just give you parts and free service", Kemovy said. "We have need of a Quintara Mate in the entertainment section, level 2". "I will instruct you how to perform Gezelfok, which is the primary duty of a Quintara Mate". "Besides this prime duty, you will be also assigned to serve Bluka Gel to all the patrons, clean the Yucfalk from all patrons that have enchanced the Gezelfok which you performed and other misc duties". "Gezelfok is a simple procedure used to please all patrons. With your two hands, you must rub both Enchor Folicals simultaniously, understand that you must be gental, or the partrons may get angry, tip lousy or kill you, depending upon how bad you perform this". Janice spoke up "are you telling me I'm giving a hand job to a bunch of bar slobs that spooge all over the place, that's discusting". Kemovy interupted "Similar, only different, you want your ship back right... if you perform Gezelfok well with good tips, you could make enough in two nights. "Lets go" Kemovy said. Janice could only follow and hope that things went quick. | |
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Suddenly a booming loud siren went off *AWEEEEGAAWEEEEEEGAWEEEEEGA*
"What's that??" asked Janice. "Oh shuzbat," sighed Kemovy. "We're under attack by the Eygalian regime again." "The who?" "The Eygalians. They are what you Earthlings would consider "barbaric". Now and again they come to our planet to plunder and steal as many Quintara Mates as they can. Not to worry, though. We know how to deal with them. This way, please. We must find the nearest shelter." Kemovy led Janice to the entrance of a large underground system, similar to a manhole. A strange greenish light glowed from within the unknown depths. Kemovy motioned to Janice with one of her six hands. "Quickly, follow me." Kemovy jumped into the hole and disappeared from view. The roar of ships and laserfire was growing louder. "I can't stick around here much longer!, " thought Janice, so she took a deep breath and jumped into the dark hole. | |
| Janice landed face first into a wamprat pile, about 1 meter in diameter. She looked up "This is not my day", Janice peered around the sewer with a wamprat excresions running down her face. "Oh no, the wamprats are back, we'd better go, they mustn't be far" Kemovy said fearfully. Janice could only think of her young son Joel, held captive somewhere in this complex, as she walked in a daze down the cooridor. "Here", Kemovy gave her some gel, "place this on your neck" Kemovy said. She rubbed some of the gel on her neck, it sensations came immediatly, sexual, almost inhibriating, like a drug, only better. "That will keep you happy till this is over", Kemovy said. Janices Breast began to swell to twice there size. "Oh my", Kemovy said, "There are some weird side effects, but I've never seen that before". Janice, quite content with the drugs effects, smiled, grabbing both breasts happily whistled gayfully down the hall. | |
| Suddenly a giant squirrel with a flamethrower leaped screaching into the building. Everybody died. Then Al Gore ran for president. A cat died. It was cool. | |
| The light broke over the moutains, casting a shadow on Dawns face. She awoke, and stretched, sitting up in bed with a loud yawn. The light of the suns first rays cast upon her naked breast. "it was going to be a good day", she thought to herself and she slipped out of the bed, heading down the hall to the bathroom without a stitch of clothes on. | |
| Dawn skipped down the hall, not noticing the stray banana peel on the floor. She slipped on the peel, skidded down the hall, and crashed into a china cabinet full of delicate (and sharp) little teacups. The last thing Dawn thought was, "Gee, too bad I didn't have any clothes on...would have been a hell of a lot less painful!" before she died. Dawn's corpse was cremated, and following the instructions left on her Will, her ashes were neatly compacted into a cartridge and blasted off to outer space. There Dawn's ashes floated aimlessly, until it got close enough to the gravitational pull of a planet in some far off solar system, and eventually plummeted to the planet's surface. The cartridge landed on a barren field and wedged itself between two large boulders. There the cartridge full of human ashes remained until one day | |
| Janice and Joel, who had made a home on Ezoym, found it. "Mom what is it?" asked Joel. "Omigod!!" shouted Janice. "They're human ashes!" "How did they get here?" "I have no idea." "Maybe they're from one of the people that squirrel with the flame thrower killed!" "Could be." Janice shivered as she remembered the squirrel. It had killed Kemovy, a cat, and all the bar patrons and had almost - or maybe it had - ended the story. Just then Joel's pet vajonzomh, which looked like a hairy green miniature hippo, ran in. "EEp!" he screamed. "Eep!" Janice was annoyed, she had told Joel to keep VaJon away from her, because she had a serious allergy to vajonzomhs. Then VaJon's sister, VaJane, ran in. "YYp!" she squealed. "Yyp!" All this was too much for poor Janice's body, and her deadly allergic reaction started by.... | |
| swelling her tongue. "Quig!" she tried to shout. "Ah deed anihidimin!" She began to choke and her eyelids and fingers began to swell. Joel quickly dragged VaJon and VaJane outside. He ran to the medicine chest and after looking at several bottles found the medicine that Janice needed. When he returned to her, she was lying on the floor and she didn't look good. Her eyes were completely swollen shut and green fluid was running out her nose. He quickly gave her the medicine, he knew they would have to figure out where the ashes had come from and he couldn't do it without her. After a few minutes the swelling began to subside and the green stuff stopped flowing. "Joel," Janice said. "Would you please keep those animals under control!" "Yes Mom." Joel answered. "Now we have to figure out where these human ashes came from." | |
| They looked on the box of ashes. There was writing on it! "In memory of Dawn!" "Oh no!" said Janice. Dawn had been her close friend. | |
| That is until Dawn stole away the love of Janice's life, the father of her children of whom only one remained. It had been eight years since Janice had last seen Jeremy and she had not been able to love another since. The pain of this memory made her wince and she fought back the tears. She spat on the box, right on Dawn's name. She then picked up the box and carried it to a nearby festering swamp, threw it in and watched it sink. She turned to her son and said, | |
| "Joel, I think we've left the biscuits at home." They ran back to their house. Janice hated it when she burned the biscuits. But when they got there, some one had already taken the biscuits out of the oven. Seated on the paisley wing-back chair was none other than Jeremy. "I knew you'd forget the bicuits," he said smugly. "You always did." | |
| "JEREMY!" cried Janice, fighting back tears of joy. "Daddy!" screamed Joel. "Janice! Joel!" yelled Jeremy. They rushed into each others arms. "How did you get here?" asked Joel. "It's a long story," he replied, "and very sad." "I thought you were dead!" cried Janice, planting a kiss on his cheek. Jeremy returned the favor. Then Janice told him of all their adventures. She told him about Kristi's death, the fight with Zsa Zsa Gabor, their career in the movies, Dianne's angel, Terrence pretending to be the prom queen, Biffy the Prom Queen Slayer, the PRR room, their re-entery, the pillow store, the alien policemen, the MacDonalds in ouuter space, the zoxfeta lizards, Kemovy, the squirrel with the flame thrower, even Janice's allercic reaction to the vajonzomhs. Then Jeremy told them about being kidnapped by Dawn, being held captive for months in a garage, Dawn's sister Valerie, who almost blew up the universe, being rocketes off the Earth without a space suit, and arriving on planet Ezoym nearly dead. Bt these things didn't matter now. The family was together again. | |