Chapter 6
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| Seven snakes bite stealthily without much haste
Out west, is where I went, alone in my escape. where one makes waste of big iguanas Failing that, I console myself with a seedless grape. But was it a Grape of Wrath or an angry raisin? The blinding solitude slunk along with nonchalance I can't decide, the palm tree or a good fluffy poodle? To be with you in Fresno Reversing the congested freeways can prove that a '68 Hooptie was once a tiny thing to behold, golden in the morning light. | |
| Yep, Dianne, Janice, Joel, and Terrence were out west. Out among the iguanas, , seedless grapes, palm trees and poodles, they thoughtt they could recover from the disgrace at Kristi's funeral. But just then Dianne screamed!!! Because approaching menacingly towards them was a.... | |
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...band of disgruntled elderly ladies who were out walking their
poodles in full force. They were led by some big-haired blonde chick
named Zsa Zsa Gabor, who was the most ferocious of the bunch but you
couldn't tell by looking, seeing she has that permanent
post-operative smile and all. She wore a tight red dress around her
big plump figure, and she looked not unlike an overstuffed tomato
tortilla with vericose veins. The band of women approached Dianne
and her group and eyed them suspiciously through tucked eyelids..
"Hey you riffraff, getta off my property!" shrieked the one known as Zsa Zsa. "It's a free country, so there, nyahhhh!", countered Dianne. She had such a knack with comebacks! "Oh? You wanta me to schlapp you, darlink?, " threatened the angry Gabor. The other old bags, err..ladies, started hooting and hollering in support of their leader, shouting "You give it to her, girlfriend! Yeah! Girl power!" Their poodles growled at Dianne, Janice, Joel and Terrence like little pink puffballs with gnashing teeth. Janice almost fell over backward laughing...she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She nudged Joel, but he and Terrence were too busy chanting "Cat fight, cat fight.." in the background. Dianne glared at the bloated beast before her and made a fist. Just then... | |
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Dianne said, "Hey why'd you wanna fight me?"
Zsa Zsa replied, "Ah dawn't lak yer fayce, an' yer on mah proberty! Sew thee-are!" Dianne was taken aback for a second, horrified at this lady's accent. Zsa Zsa took this moment of advantage to punch Dianne in the face. Dianne was knocked out. Zsa Zsa howled in triumph, "LeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" This shook up Joel and Terrence, whom she quickly punched out as well. Janice stood up. "You can't do that to my three children!" "Oh yeah?" asked Zsa Zsa. "Yeah!" said Janice. They started to fight like dogs and cats.... | |
| Just then, the director shouted "Cut! CUT! No, no, no! I want more feeling, more emotion. Give me emotion, children, EMOTION!!" Janice had Zsa Zsa in a headlock, and looked up with surprise to see a Hollywood production crew busily filming the scuffle. "What the hell is this?! Who are you people??" Then the director's assistant walked up clapping her tiny hands and merrily chirped, "Take five, people..., tee hee hee, oh you were all so divine!" "Yah, I know dat already so shut up yur face, " answered Zsa Zsa. She broke out of Janice's hold and tried to straighten herself out. Her disheveled blonde hairpiece was dangling halfway off her head. She looked down at Janice and uttered rather condecendingly, "You know vat darlink? You could use sahm acting lessons, take it from a star like me. And dat face, dear, it is da face of spoiled Hungarian goulash." "Oh yeah? I'll give you Hungarian goulash, you bad acting, bad accented, and might I add, style-deficient, ugly ol' windbag!" Janice got up, looked Zsa Zsa straight in the face, and said, "Hey Zsa Zsa, so you want to see stars, eh? This should put you into orbit." She spat on her fist and let it loose on Zsa Zsa's face. The Gabor flew backwards, in dramatic slow-motion of course, through the fake scenery, the decorative cardboard cut-outs, past the poodles, through the group of poorly paid extras, and finally plunged through the open window of a Starbucks coffee shop Zsa Zsa muttered, "Oooooh..lookie at all da stars spinning 'round my head!" before she clonked out cold amongst the espresso machines and bags of exotic roast. | |
| Zsa Zsa Gabor got sucked into an epresso machine and turned into epresso. That day the Starbucks coffee shop went broke because nobody would eat their epresso because it was ugly-fat-lady-flavored. "K who's next?" asked Terrence. Joel added, "This isn't even a rehearsal, what are you so-called directors doing here in the middle of the desert?" "We're filming a movie!" said the so-called director. "But we're not actors!" exclaimed Janice. The so-caled director answered, "We're doing a documentary, you skinny minor FREAKS!!!" "Twinkle tweinkle little star," recited Dianne, "What you say is what you are!" "Oh that's an OLD one!" retorted the so-called director. "By the way our next documentary is on outer space, you could help us with it because you seem to be FROM there!" Dianne, always a quick thinker, decided to | |
| take the so-called director up on his offer. She consulted her mother. "Think of it, mommy! We can be in the movies! People will be running up to us and asking for our autographs and stealing our laundry from the clothesline, and papparazzi will be trying to run us down...oh the excitement of it all!" Janice just shook her head and said, "Hmm...well, I don't know, dear. It IS the holiday season, and 'tis the season to be shopping for clearance sales. Do you think we have time to do this before K-Mar...err...BLOOMINGDALES closes??" She barely caught herself, and smiled while trying to hide her embarrassment. She looked over to where Terrence and Joel were standing. The two were doing nothing but picking the sand grains out of their noses, so she decided that it would at least get them out of the desert. But she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. | |
| So Dianne, Terrence, Joel, and even their mother Janice got to be in the movies. They became world famous for inventing cool special effects, they had some GREAT ideas! The most famous was called the Dianne tecnique, it was Dianne's idea. The Dianne tecnique was | |
| really an idea thought up by the Pod people who resided in Peoria, but through Dianne's mental telepathy and amazingly gifted talent of digging through other people's garbage cans, she managed to swipe the technique and make it her own before the Pod people got pissed and tried to sue the crap out of her. So Dianne was rich beyond belief, even more wealthier than her mother and two brothers. The Pod people were furious! The Pod people wanted revenge! They also wanted a good recipe for apple pie because the apple pies on their home planet of Loogiglop tasted like grzzglap, which was Pod slang for "the snot which hangs like the dew of springtime from your glorious gaping nostrils". So the leader of the Pods assembled his people for a meeting to discuss what to do about Dianne. | |
| It was decided to elevate her to the archtypical status of the neophrene, although there were of course some of the elders who objected to this unsubtle usurpation of their authority. | |
| A vote to decide Dianne's fate was in order, and so began the proceedings. The circle of elders bickered and grumbled amongst themselves as the last votes were tallied. The official ballot counter whispered in the ear of the Leader, who in turn faced the anxiously awaiting crowd. "It is decided," began the Leader, "that the mortal known as Dianne, will now and forever be regarded as..." | |
| the daughter of the Rising Moon Tribe.. She will be permitted to practice her craft and to face no penalty for doing so. She has proven to be harmless in her use of the herbs and flowers. Dianne will bring us into a new era of healing and knowledge. We praise her and accept her as our Shamanic hero. | |
| So Dianne was exiled to the Rising Moon tribe. She was the medicine man's wife but she didn't like the medicine man because he had an ugly face. Terrence, back in Hollywood, had telepathy so he knew this. He sneaked into the Rising Moon camp and quietly killed the medicine man. The next morning the Rising Moon tribe woke up to find the medicine man dead! They thought it was Dianne's fault because she didn't like the medicine man. Everyone was arguing over what was the best way to execute her when they reached the decision that | |
| Dianne must either die by eating the poisoned fruit of the Jyzzbablik tree, or search the Earth for the best apple pie recipe that ever existed. Dianne didn't want to do either, and she cursed at Terrence telepathically for getting her into this mess. She fidgeted restlessly in her cell and decided she had to get out of there and fast! Being poisoned was one thing, but having to search the Earth for the best apple pie recipe? Her dead sister Kristi didn't even know how to bake lasagna, and Dianne was even worse in the kitchen (she once burned water). She wondered who would come to save her as she surveyed her containment. | |
| Just then she saw a light; a weird glimmering figure that looked strangely familiar was sitting in the corner of her cell. "M..mom?" asked Dianne. The angel shook her head. "Kr-rist-ty?" asked Dianne, shivering from fear and cold. "I-It-t c-can-n't-t b-b-be!" Kristi had been dead for so long. Kristi's angel was silent. Then it said "Farewell, sister!" in Kristi's voice, shimmered and dissappeared, and suddenly, Dianne knew what she must do. The next morning's processions were grim. Kristi was taken, still chained up, to the poisonoud Jizzbablik tree. She was given one of its fruits. Savoring her last moments. Then she took a bite. Millions watched in horrer as she fell to the ground, twitched for some seconds, and then all fell silent. Dianne was dead. But everyone knew, it took hours to die from just one bite of Jyzzbablik fruit. The next day, the cheif of 5that tribe claimed to have seen Dianne again, as she, now shimmering as if merely an image, placed the best apple pie recepie in the world on his doorstep. All was well with the people of Rissing Moon from that day on. But all was not well with Janice, Joel, and Terrence because | |
| they all had a nasty case of fungalitous of the nose. Which causes a persons nose to fly off their face when they sneeze. Fungalitous (or more commonly known as "flying nose syndrome") also causes the ill person to sneeze at least 10 times a day. Janis, Joel, and Terrence are having a terrible time with "flying nose syndrome" because they all share the same apartment and they always seem to be around one another when a sneezing fit comes on. Occassionally Joel and Terrence have gotten their noses mixed up. Janis has been lucky, so far. Her nose is smaller than Joel's or Terrence's nose. She usually gets her nose back every time. Joel believes that Janis's friend Clara Belle Peabody gave "f.n.s." to all of them. When she was at the apartment, she kept whiping her nose on her sleeve and then whiping her sleeve on their things. Terrence doesn't think it was Clara Belle and her runny nose that gave them "f.n.s.". He and Janis think that it must have been when Cleatus Podunk came over to | |
| wash the dishes, because that was when everyone caught flying nose syndrome and their noses kept flying off their faces. Janice, Joel and Terrence decided to get rid of their flying nose syndrome but they found out that the only way to do that was to replace it with an HIV syndrome, which causes AIIDS. Just then, a lady with black hair and a short red dress visited them. "I'm your new doctor." she said. "I've discovered a cure for AIDS." Janice had an idea then. She asked the doctor to replace Janice's and Terrence's and Joel's FNS syndrome with an HIV syndrome, and then cured them of AIDS by | |
| doing something nobody has ever thought of before, which I won't discuss here because it's too long and involved, and kind of gives this story a weird twist anyway. So Janice, Joel, and Terrence were cured of their nasal problems. Still, Janice wondered what ever became of her daughter, Dianne, who was last seen cavorting with some tribe in Peoria. "Didn't you know she died from eating poisoned fruit, Mom?", asked Terrence. Joel added, "Yeah, let's face it, it's time to let go and move on..." "So they say, but I've also heard she was spotted in several different places days after her death!" Janice just couldn't believe Dianne was dead. Then, a strange knocking was heard at the front door. "Go see who it is, would you Joel?" asked Janice. "I've got a headache." So Joel opened the door, and to his surprise, standing there was | |
| Dianne! She bent over and placed a tiny peice of paper on their frost-covered doorstep. Then she dissapeared. The note said: "Dianne's Funeral is at 8:48 AM at Holy Rambinoic Church, 75 YouReye Avenue" Janice, Joel, and Terrence lived just uphill of YouReye Avenue, so they took their tobbogans and sledded into the tiny Holy Rambonic Church. They took off their snowsuits and clambered into the special funeral room, wheir to their surprise and horrer, | |
| Dianne was laying in her coffin dressed in her pink taffeta prom dress and jeweled prom queen tiara. It was an awful sight, indeed! | |
| Dance with me she cried! I am the Prom Queen, I am oh so popular. Everyone loves me!!! Come, bow down and worship at my pink patent leather pumps! | |
| They all stared at her in horror until finally one of them spoke up and said, "What--are you on crack or something Dianne? What are you doing?" Dianne became enraged and screamed-- "Darn you! Darn all of you to heck!!! I am THE PROM QUEEN!!!" | |
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Everyone screamed and started stampeding around, hurling chairs and
tables and breaking windows. Someone farted. Then someone fainted.
It wasn't a coincidence.
"She's crazy!," someone yelled. "Let's get out here!," screamed another. Then Dianne grabbed a hatchet (no funeral home should be without one), leapt on a casket and shouted at everyone. "No one leaves here, for you all must die! Die Die Die! I am the Prom Queen, and you all must obey! Muuhahahahaah!" Janice whispered to Joel, "Must be that damned fruit she ate...what a nut case!" "Yeah, she's high on something! I wonder what it is...I want some of it!" Everyone thought they were going to die that day at the hands of this hatchet-wielding hussy from hell when suddenly a voice was heard from the back of the room. "Gee, where'd you get that god-awful dress? Don't tell me, dollar days at Wal-mart? Oh and those shoes...damn hon, hope RuPaul didn't mind you taking those from his closet. Those have got to be at least size 14..." Dianne screamed, "Who dares insult the Prom Queen?!?" She glared at the crowd. The crowd grew silent as a young woman stepped forward from the shadows and said, "Me." The crowd gasped. They all yelled, "She did! She did!" in unison and everyone pointed an accusing finger at the young woman. "Besides being the first to die, " said Dianne, "who the hell are you??" "I am Biffy the Prom Queen Slayer!", answered the young woman. "I'm here to put you out of your misery, and to save the world from pink taffeta and chiffon!" | |
| You are going to kill me that isn't fair, just because I have no fashion sense dosen't mean I should die, kill someome else anyone else. I have to be the prom queen, I just have to. | |
| The Prom Queen Slayer locked up Dianne, still with her hatchet, in jail. Then they realized, Dianne's body was still in the coffin. Suddenly the *other* Dianne broke out of jail, and hacked off the Prom Queen Slayer's head. Then, to everyone's horrer, her skin split in half! Out came... Terrence. "You all must die!!" hhe shouted. "DIE DIE DIE!!!!!" he kept hacking away, killing everyone but Joel and Janice. Joel and Janice hid in the attic, hoping Terrence wouldn't find them...... just then..... | |
| Terrence tore through the attic door. Joel and Janice shook in terror as they hid under a tarp, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't find them. But fate was not on their side. Terrence tore the tarp off of them, while he stood, hovering naked above them and laughing in a sadistic howl. His erect penis stood shining just an inch in front of poor Joel's tight clenched mouth. | |
| Then a headless girl in a cheerleader's outfit came stumbling into the room. She carried her severed head under her arm, and she took a moment to prop the head back in its place. "It's Biffy!" said Joel. "But, but...I thought you only killed evil Prom Queens?, " asked Janice. Biffy just shrugged and said, "Prom Queens, Drag Queens, they're all the same to me. And besides, don't they both dress just as badly and apply heavy make-up with trowels?" Biffy then looked Terrence over from head to toe and a puzzled look came on her face as she stared at his crotch. "Hrmm...I didn't know they made flesh-colored toothpicks," she giggled. "You know, Terrence, you should go pick on someone you're own size...like a shrew maybe." Then she dropped kicked him in all his naked glory out the attic window. Outside, Terrence landed on an elderly lady, who in turn pepper spray'd him to death. "Well, my job is done here, " said Biffy as she dusted off her hands. "I'm off to slay other people who lack any sense of fashion whatsoever. Hmm...I think next on my list is the whole cast of Melrose Place. Ta ta!." She then skipped her way out the door. Janice and Joel looked at each other in bewilderment for a second, then they sighed with relief. They wondered...are their troubles over? | |
| No their troubles were not over, Janice and Joel were caught in a Past Releiver Room! It makes selected things happen all over again! But this one was malfunctioning! Suddenly Fluffy the elephant ran into the room, screaming, "I WANT MILK DUDS!!" Then Joanna, Ramona, and Kim ran into the room "Help save us!" and the monsters ran in too. Kerk chased in Jane Brownum and killed her on the spot, blood and guts were everywhere. Then 65 HIV positive heroes ran in and leaped off the fire escape to their grisly doom. Carolyn walked in and started reading everyone's minds and taking notes on their thoughts. A Russsian nuclear strike flattened the whole city except for the PRR room everyone way in. Suzie walked out of the remains of Joel's Coffee Shop and looked for a girl. Deter and Gloria ran away from Pwuirzpalred the Wizard because he looked like an old goat. A lady walked in and went through a time cave to George Washington's time. Reignald, Fluffy, and Harry made a movie together. Hogo Fogo escaped from jail. Sam and Steve danced naked in the hall. Liz made a bra out of toilet paper. Moses supposed that his toes were roses. Darth Vader collided with Luke. Kristi changed into Franny and back again. Dianne ate a Jyzzbablik fruit. Terrence sneezed and his nose flew off his face. The Prom Queen went on a rampage. Janice and Joel were very confused, all these people were supposed to be long dead. Just then the PRR room exploded. Janice and Joel, being far away from the computer console, didn't die, but got rocketed to... | |
| a space station in geosynchronous orbit over the former PRR. The station was an abandoned observatory. Through one of its telescopes, they saw that nothing was left down below, the Russian nuclear strike having finished off everything that used to be there. They found a second telescope pointing off into deep space. They had a lot of fun looking around, but after a few hours they spotted somthing unusual moving toward them from the orbit of Saturn... | |
| It was a huge comet! It was in a collision course with the earth! Janice and Joel had to stop it, BUt how? Joel started punching some buttons on the console, and Janice screamed!!!! They were going into re-entry!!! A pinkish glow formed around the space station. Oh God please, thought Janice, which one is the button that turns on the heat sheilds? Is it the blue button?The black one? The crimson/yellow striped one? She started to swert, but just then.... | |
| Her elbow bumped a gold button on the console. They both fell over as the ship lurched wildly. They had gone out of re-entry! They were still in space! Janice pressed a button shaped like a lazer gun. The space station fired and missed! The comet streaced towards earth. It was way out of fireing range now. suddenly Joel had an idea..... | |
| He pressed a small hexagonal red button. The space station lurched again as it went into a fast-moving whatchamacallit orbit around the earth, which is an orbit no one's ever been in, so they didn't bother to name it. Soon they crashed into te comet, which moved the comet 60º out of it's course and made it miss the earth. But the force of it made the cabin depressurize! Janice put a space suit on but Joel was only 9, he was too small to fit in a space suit. Always a quick thinker, Janice decided to | |
| jumped in the suit with him... | |
| Floating and falling Janice lost consciousness. The cold night air gave Joel the urge to pee, but he couldn't do it here in the space suit. Where do you find a loo in outer space he pondered. | |