Chapter 5
| The Story | The Authors |
|---|---|
| So he took another glass of red wine and poured it down her dress."Ahhh!",she shrieked. | |
| ''Oh my gosh you selfish jerk you got the toilet paper in my bra wet !", she screamed at the top of her lungs. | |
| He was stunned,"Honey,it looked so real".Her answer,"well,I could'nt afford silicon". | |
| He was stunned,"Honey,it looked so real".Her answer,"well,I could'nt afford silicon". | |
| "I'm really very poor you see. I couldn't afford anything except toilet paper. So I've made everything I have out of toilet paper." Aaron was disgusted so he..... | |
| decided that from now on he'd sent her a years supply of toilet paper just to keep her happy(after he dumped her). | |
| whoah, THIS is GETTING very WEIRD change THE subject PLEASE! | |
| Beginning by now, the argument is new!! | |
| Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously His toeses are not, indeed, roses, but they are incredibly large slices of bread similar to those which can be found on the feet of the wooden feet lamb | |
| what was that help me go back moses supposes. ok i will figure this out!!! ok toeses are roses. | |
| and petunias pure lunacy, in lunar madness. She worshipped the moon, and by the four winds, earth, fire and water she married my husband. "Thank God it wasn't in a church," I keep saying to myself. "After all, you're not married till you're married, and even then sometimes you're still not married." Its cold outside today, and I'm getting over the frustration. Finally! After two long years of longing - of wondering - of this possible seeming impossibility. Its the way he looks at me. "Coquette practice," says my doppelganger. (all Geminis have one) I know better than to squish my feelings like a rose caught between two tectonic plates of shifted continental drift. | |
| I do know better than that. I have now idea why that happend I think I need help. | |
| Meanwhile, unknown to all, hovering high about the Earth was the space ship Magellen. Magellen was a rogue ship from an old future Earth alliance that found itself propelled thru time to this date. The ship fired it's last stopping thruster and started a geosyncronous orbit around the planet. Commander Morgan stroked his mustach and beard. "Now it's time to end the alliance long before it started", he said while motioning to a young pilot. | |
| The pilot unsurely replied, "Do you think I'm ready? I just finished my training a week ago. Don't you think I should get a few smaller missions under my belt before I go saving the universe?" To this the Commander grinned and said "I believe in you. I think you can accomplish this mission. Well, that, and also I couldn't find anyone else willing to risk certain death." | |
| " I appreciate your confidence in me." the pilot announced. "I am ready to fly" As he prepared to take off he heard a thunk... | |
| ...he was shot down by the alien invaders from nebupili. Everyone around put there heads down in shame the captain knew better than to put the young pilot into the plane... | |
| And the captain thought to him self am I really that stupid, to put that young handsom pilot in to the plane, YES..... I am a stupid son of a bitch | |
| Then he killed him self in spite of the pilots wife . | |
| which probably is the most rational thing to do. | |
| And the captain thought to him self am I really that stupid, to put that young handsom pilot in to the plane, YES..... I am a stupid son of a bitch This echoed again and again, Zpoft, a young Grecion science office had an intuition that no on else had, immediatly surrounded the ship in a Xenon gas, "Commander, we seem to be in a Schinker Causality Time loop" Zpoft said. "I'm surrounding the ship with Xenon gas to break the time loop.... And the captain thought to him self am I really that stupid, to put that young handsom pilot in to the plane, YES..... I am a stupid son of a bitch Suddenly Xenon gas formed around the ship, "Zpoft, what is going on" the commander asked?". "I think we might be in a Causality loop, I am compensating our overdrive with anti-protons" Zpoft said. Crimson light formed around the ship, then it disappeared, only to reappear a split second before the Commander was to have the pilot fire upon the Earth. Zpoft fired upon the first ship, destroying it instantly. | |
| "OK," the commander said. "Zpoft, you have a reassignment. I want you to come back onto the Death Star." By the way, the commander's name was Darth Vader. He had gone back in time to destroy the Rebel Alliance where it had originated, on a planet called Earth in a new mysterious galaxy."Zpoft," said Darth Vader, "Come back to the Death Star and help me destroy the Rebels." | |
| Darth then returned to the Death Star to help Zpoft. Behind Darths dark mask was a hideous face, than very many are allowed to see. Darths son, Lukous Floorhopper, was upon the rebel base on the planet Blito P-3, or Earth. Lukes friends R3-d3, and C4PO lived in a space trailor. The X-wing sitting outside was getting rusty so they decided to grease it up. They jumped inside, and flew off. They crash landed in a swamp inhabited by The Great Moldy Yogert. Lukous had the Great Moldy Yogert teach him the powers of the Shwartz. Yet the swampy water in the X-Wings engines wouldn't let them fly away. So The Great and Moldy Yoget pulled the ship out of the yucky water. They then flew back into the outter space. | |
| Meanwhile, back on the Death star, Darth Vader was all ready to destroy the Earth, and the Alliance. "Fire at will!" he said. Commander Zpoft pulled out his blaster and shot Liutenant Will. "No, no," siad Darth Vader. He smiled behind his mask. "I meant, fire at earth." | |
| He then farted and killed Commander Zpoft By the deadly gas! | |
| He then farted and killed Commander Zpoft By the deadly gas! | |
| But alas! All was not as it had first appeared, Commander Zpoft held the secret amulent that allowed him to be immune to bodily gases. | |
| Just then Foba Bett the bounty hunter appeared and shot Commander Zpoft. He took the amulet and left the Death Star. "Oh dear", thought Darth Vader, "Now I will have to get a replacement. No one else could have destroyed Planet Bofa-64 [Earth], and the Alliance with it, with the same zeal as Zpoft. Maybe I will do it myself." But even as he said this he felt a pang of sorrow. Maybe his son, Luke, was down there. Maybe even his daughter Leia. But the Emporer had commanded Darth Vader to do this, and it would crtianly end the rebel alliance. Just then Moff Gorfa appeared before Vader. "We're beginning assault on earth." "Hold your fire!" said Darth Vader. "I'm sorry, my lord," replied Gorfa, "but I've already given the command to destroy the planet." Darth Vader strangled him. He then got into his LIE fighter. Meanwhile, Luke, who had finished his Jedi training with The Great Moldy Yogurt, got into his X-thing to destroy the Death Star. Little did he know that he was on a collision course with his father....... | |
| This man was an very old fashioned guy. He sat in his little garden with nicely synthisized flowers and looked dreamily in an fine corktree which was made from never used parts of a vacuum cleaner sich was initially meant for the Enterprice ship all the years ago. He cuffed and looks in a disappointed way at his son. | |
| Gee that last writer was weird. Well anyway Darth Vader is in his LIE fighter and Luke is in his X-thing and they are on a collision course around the Death Star which in 5 seconds will destroy the earth. Luke had closed his eyes and was concentrating on the Force. When he opened them AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH he screamed he was about to crash into his father's fighter....... | |
| Everyone watched in horrer as Luke's X-thing and Darth Vader's LIE Fighter collided right in front of the Death Star's deadly laser beam..... | |
| Then everyone shouted in horror as the combination of the three created a giant lizard and Monkey mixed. It breathed fire and had fangs 5 feet long. It was horrible it ate Luke in one chomp and was still hungary. So then It breathed its fire upon the death star making it into a great shicobob! | |
| So everyone was happy. The Imperials were happy that the monster ate Luke Skywalker, the Rebels were happy that the Death Star had turned into a giant shishkebab (did I spell it right?), the monster was happy because it ate the giant Death Star/shishkebab and wasn't hungry anymore, and everyone else was happy because..... well...... they were always happy. If everyone is happy I think the story is over. so THE END. P.S. Darth Vader was happy too, he got major surgery and could finally walk around without that crazy mask. | |
| So that leads us to our new story.....The Mysterious Masked Murder from L.A. It all started on a sunny day. The sun was bright and no signs of danger were there. Joe and Bob were watching The Simpsons when a special news bulliten came up..."News Flah! 20 people have been killed in the city of L.A. and the mysterious masked murder is still at large. He was last seen going to the city Sacramento so watch out and lock your doors and windows. Joe and Bob were frightened because they lived in Sacramento!!! | |
| But the killer took no interest in them since funny smells permeated from their bodies. | |
| Umm... I think I liked the Star Wars story better. | |
| But anyways, Joe and Bob were hiding from the murderer. They didn't know where to hide! Suddenly Bob's costume fell off. He was really the masked murderer! Joe fled with his sister JANICE. | |
| Janice, you see was really a closet potato bug molester and didn't like the fact that | |
| Bob was really the masked murderer. So janice | |
| decided to flee. She went to another state and had ten kids. | |
| Unfortunately only 4 of their children survived: Kristi, Dianne, Joel, and Terrence. Kristi was youngest of the four, she was 5. She liked listening to juke boxes and jumping on the trampoline. Also, she collected grapes. She tried to turn them into rasins. Dianne was 6. She liked to find things, she would turn the whole house upside down to see if there was pirate treasure in it. Her favorite word was Kimono. She had no idea what it meant but liked saying it. She also liked saying "fuck me" but had no idea what that meant either. Joel was 9. He slammed doors for fun, he liked the big "boom" sound. He also liked hopping. Sometimes he would jump on Kristi's trampoline and she would get mad. Terrence was always happy. He could almost always be found in the kitchen, eating. He was kinda fat. He was 18 years old and the oldest of them. He collected grapes just like Kristi. But he would always eat the ones he colected, grapes were his favorite food. They all went to the same school, even Terrence. Kristi got a B+ on her report card. Dianne got an F+ and almost got left in kindergarten last year. (She lost most of her marks because she always said "fuck me" to the teacher.) Joel got a B- and was very jealous of Kristi. Terrence got an A+ ans bragged TONS!!!! Actually his teacher was just a softie. One day Joel and Terrence decided to get Kristi and Dianne in trouble. Joel got an idea first, "We could.." | |
| stick raisins in mom's nose while she is sleeping at night, then, in the morning, mom would think Kristi did it! | |
| "OK, who dtuck raidins in my node?' asked Mom, in her usual figgled way - like when she knows we're just bein' silly and playing. Mom's a good mom. She doesn't get really mad like a lot of Moms. And she listens to us and lets us talk. And even when we're not talking and just trying to think, you know how you do when you have to gather together whatever it is you want to say right because you don't want to say it wrong, she just listens quietly and doesn't rush us. | |
| Mom listened patiently as Joel and Terrence exchanced glances. "We don't know, Mom." Mom could tell when a person was lying. "Boyd," she asked, "I know you're lying. I think you must have done it, Terrence, becaude you have a collection of grapes." Terrence got spanked, by Dad of course. Joel decided to get Dianne in trouble. He told Kristi what "fuck me" really meant. Then Dianne went up to Kristi and said, "Hi Mr. Kimono. Fuck me," like she always did. Kristi screamed. Mom came and asked, "Whatd happening here?" Kristi said "She wants me to | |
| fuck me Mommy!" With this her mother took her aside and said, "Okay, darling, now is the time for me to have a little chat with you about the birds and the bees," she began hesitantly. "There comes a time in every girls life when she meets a boy and falls in love. The process is natural and when she is absolutely sure that this is the man she wants to remain forever with..." she rambled. Just then Kristi interrupted... "Oh Mom! I already know how to fuck, but tell me how you cook Lasagna." | |
| Ya come on mom! Can't you even do one thing. And you know I know how to fuck. | |
| no i don't let me show you how! | |
| "But how to do what?" He said with anguish. As the full fish tank was lugged down the stairs, he became only half conscious of the hairline crack in the 100 gallon giant.....that is....until it shattered....then he found himself flying down the twenty thousand stair staircase on the crest of a goldfish-laden tidal wave | |
| and so he died right then, becuase as we all know, you can't live through something like that, not even him. | |
| So then, he was sent off into the netherworld. That middle space where spirits wait to be reborn into another body. "Which Mom do you want?" "What?", he replied. "Which Mom do you want?" said the angel again. "Which Mom? You get to choose, you know." "I do?" "Yes, you do. Don't worry, most don't remember the last time they were here. So?" "So?" So, which Mom?" "What about the Dad? Can't I choose a Dad?" "Nope. Sorry. The Mom is responsible for that. Better hope she chose well." "She looks nice." "Charlotte McCorkle. Excellent choice. Intelligent. Attractive. You'll be a good lookin' kid. To be inseminated by ..." "You mean knocked up?" "Watch those freudian slips, you don't want one of those kinds of dads" "Oh, yea" (sight gag here with one-two punch and the angel getting irritated) "To be, ahem, knocked up, but with no complications, thats good. You'll get to keep her, and uh, Roger Themis. Your name will be Robert. They'll call you Bobby most of your life." "Cool. So what do I get to do?" "You'll receive your instructions in the field." | |
| Not even in the arms of your best friend. But he will live on in those who knew him and loved him.And he will be remembered well. | |
| Kristi struggled awake. Her mom... or was it Charlotte McGoygle? was shaking her. Kristi listened ass Mom talked to her, she had been baking lasagna in the nether world when suddenly an angel reminded her to put noodles in (You see Kristi was still half asleep and still remembering her dream). Kristi became fully awake just when Mom said, "And that's how to bake lasagna. Now you try." | |
| But Kristi didn't want to bake lasagna. What she really wanted was a peanut butter and banana sandwich. | |
| So she fixed herself one, and told Frank he could cook for himself. Then she went off to Aotea Square to ride her skateboard. | |
| On the way to the Square, the young girl thought about Frank and wondered if she had treated him too harshly. After all, Frank himself was the one who helped her escape from the mental hospital. She smiled just then, an act she rarely did, for people tended to be cruel when they caught sight of her prominent buck teeth. As she recollected the good times, Franny almost collided into another skater, who muttered something incomprensible and flicked her the bird. | |
| Just then, Franny had a nervous breakdown after realizing her name wasn't Franny but was in fact Kristi. She wished she was more like the other girls who didn't have a split personalilty disorder like she did. | |
| "Kristi dear," said Mom, "You're burning the lasagna." | |
| Kristi spun around and found her mom standing there, scolding her about the lasagna. "Aw, Ma! Don't go bugging me now while I'm out here in Aotea Square trying to have fun. Just then a large resounding BOOM reverberated throughout the area. | |
| "Oh dear! Now you've done it, Kristi. I told you to mind the lasagna didn't I? Now you've made the oven explode." "That's not the oven, Ma!," answered Kristi. She gasped as she realized where the deafening sound was coming from. | |
| They were coming from her butt!!!!!!!!! She and a horrid case of diarhea. A stanky smell filled the room. and then......... | |
| Her mom, Dianne, Joel, and Terrence fled. Nothing could be done to save Kristi, they knew that because she was bringing the explosions with her. | |
| At Kristi's funeral, everyone wore black, except for Dianne, who would have worn pink except black is her favorite color. And everyone was so sad at Kristi's passing! Everyone except Joel, who had a hangover and didn't know what was going on, and Terrence, who was playing footsie with the preacher's daughter, and Dianne, who had tears streaking down her face because last night her boyfriend dumped her and she had an unusually large Visa bill and a gruesome pimple in the middle of her forehead besides. Ok, nobody was grieving, not even Kristi's mom. And we all know why don't we? | |
| she really wasn't dead it was a funeral for a baby doll | |