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Chapter 1

     The Story The Authors
"Well, Mary." the doctor said as he came into her room. "What now?" Mary gazed
at him hopefully and said, "I was just thinking the same thing, doctor. Perhaps you can help me answer this question." The doctor thought for a moment before scribbling his signature on her release papers. "Sorry, Mary. You allowed yourself to fall this far, squandering your immense promise. The promise I saw in you when I delivered you 23 years ago. You'll have to answer this for yourself." "Well," said Mary; "could you not at least give me some names of agencies who help people in my sorry state?" "No," said the doctor; "to learn your lesson, you'll have to recognize that you have to do everything yourself."
Mary stood up. At fourteen feet and six inches, she had to hunch to accomodate the ceiling, and in fact, her head lifted one of the ceiling tiles off of it's aluminum rails. A tear rolled down her cheek and splashed onto the doctor's clipboard, obscuring his notes. "I'll be going then, doctor. Thanks for nothing." leontine
Joan shook her head and looked up. This just couldn't be -- couldn't be -- she was playing tricks on herself. She knew The Adventures of Mary Bamboozle by heart, she and her sister Anne had delighted in inventing them during the florid heart of their girlhood...
...But there in the window floated the doll, Mary Bamboozle herself, the doll and the aborted child, the and/or of it, and the mocking face of the bruja somewhere in there amidst it all, tiny black eyes like chocolate-covered espresso beans floating in her wizened countenance of old, tanned leather...
"Mommy did you go away again?"
...and Bill not pounding at the door as in her reverie, but still downstairs conferring in hushed conspiratorial tones with the priest, probably plotting some way to get beneath the reverend father's greasy cassock and see how well the Lord had equipped him for the celibate life...
"Mommy why why why do you always have to go away like that?"
...and she looked up to see tears welling in the doll's button eyes...
"Mommy come away with me Mommy come fly -- over the rooftops -- under the stars -- to the magic land of--"
"JOAN?" Bill's voice cut her off then. "Joanie hon, did you see where I put my --?"
To hell with all of you, she thought...
"Mommy let's flyyyyyyyy..."
...Opening the top left-hand drawer of her bureau, and feeling along with spidercreeping fingers till she founf the hidden button beneath the inner catch and pressed it to release the drawer's false bottom, which snapped open on hidden hinges to reveal the secret compartment underneath...
"Mommy hurry!"
...Where she kept her pharmaceutical nest-egg, so to speak...
"Mommy we have so little time we have to fly now!"
...A cache not even Bill guessed the existence of. Seven hundred heroin suppositories nestled like ammunition in a bed of Vaseline, and close to a thousand 65-mg Dilaudid horse-pills...
"Oh Mommy now finally we can go to the happy lands --" (the doll gripping Joan's hand as she steps unsteadily up onto the window-ledge, her coat hanging heavy and low on her with the weight of her stash distributed unevenly among its pockets and lining) --
And they leap off the ledge into the air --
Joan still at first expecting to fall --
But they hang suspended in it softly and clumsily like chocolate chips in cookie-dough --
They have to squirm around a bit to get themselves balanced against the heavy humid night air and the nippery breeze still laden with the scent of sooted rain --
"Pretend you're swimming, Mommy," giggles the doll, her eyes lighting up red in the darkness --
And Joan gives a scissor-kick which is like an old memory lodged in the muscles and tendons of her legs --
And they are off --
The gritty rooftops of southwest Harlem beneath them --
She takes one last look down at the flat and catches a glimpse of her husband greedily fellating the priest on the living-room sofa --
The priest's head back, eyes lazily shut, fingers working frantically at a rosary as if to match the pace of Bill's bopping head --
Hail Mary full of grace indeed...
Blessed among women art thou not...
Hail Mary Bamboozle full of stuffing,
Button eyes and heart of me,
Where is it you are taking me?

"Mommy?" -- by now the doll's eyes are like coals --
"Yes, Mary?"
"Mommy let's go up let's fly fast we have to make time time time we are expected Mommy -- They are expecting us..."
And at the mention of this They she feflt a particularly frozen icicle pierce her heart and begin the long drip-drip-dripping of blood and icemelt which is dread incarnate, and doubt, and the chilly whisper of the devil at her ear, and the doll's hand so very, very cold in hers.
They each gave a kick and up they went.

mn,mn, nm,nm,mn
mn,mn, nm,nm,mn
Oh my god, I don't know how I'm gonna break this to him. I took a deep breath and slowly picked up my clear blue cell-phone. Here goes nothing...
I crossed my fingers and dialed the numbers I knew by heart.
The phone on the other end rang for what seemed like forever to me, although it was only a few seconds. Finally, someone answered.
"Hello?" My heart almost stopped when I heard his sexy voice. How was I gonna tell him?
"Hi," I hesitated, fishing through the sea of thoughts in my mind for the perfect way to tell him.
"Oh, hey, Kim! What's up?" He always seemed to know the perfect thing to say at time like this.
"Well, there's, umm... something on my mind that I need to talk to you about."
"Go ahead."
"Remember that thing a couple of nights ago?" my voice become a little shaky.
"Yeah." He sounded like he was smiling. "How could I forget?"
"Well," I stopped, wondering what to say next. I felt the tears flowing down my face.
"I, umm… went to the doctor yesterday, and…" It was pointless to back out now.
"K-Bay? Are you ok? What's wrong?" he sounded concerned. That made me feel a little better, but not enough to stop me from crying. I tried to force the words through the wall of tears.
"Umm... Justin, you can't get mad, ok?"
"I promise."
"You... you're gonna be.... a daddy." Then I started crying all over again.
There was silence on the other end of the phone line.
I spurted into hysteria. "I knew it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! You're mad at me aren't you? Oh, God..." I went on mumbling apologies and begging to know whether or not he was mad.
"Kim! I'm not mad, it's not your fault, and it just caught me by surprise that’s all. You don't have to be sorry. What do you have to be sorry about?"
"I don't know, I just don't know..." I continued sobbing.
"It's ok, settle down. Do you wanna meet somewhere and talk this out?"
I took a deep breath again for about the 50th time in the last 20 minutes. "Ok. I guess that would be better. Where do you wanna meet?"
"How bout that little coffee shop on 5th and Main?"
"Ok, I'll be there in 15 minutes, just let me calm down." I sniffled.
"Alright, See ya there." There was a click and then the incessant buzz of the dial tone.
Fifteen minutes later, I was standing outside of the tiny coffee shop amidst a rush of memories. I opened the door and peered into the dim lighting in search of Justin. Finally, I spotted him seated in a corner booth looking thoughtful. I walked up.
"Umm...hi." His eyes traveled to stomach as a subconscious gesture. Then he raised his beautiful blue eyes to mine.
Watching the irresistible smile spread across his lips, something inside me clicked. Somehow, I just knew that this was going to work. I closed my eyes and silently thanked the lord for this miracle inside me & the miracle sitting across the table from me.
And they all lived happily ever after... BORING none
Ann wore a short pink dress that could barely cover her ass and pussy. As we walked any shift would expose tiny ass and hairless pussy. we got to the club and began dancing. Ann's little ass was in full view for all to see as she grinded on my hard penis all night. top cat

It was a beautiful pink dress that fit like a glove and was about two inches from her pussy, this meant that her ass was in view for any one wasnting to look.Bend over and her wet pussy was right there ready for me in between her gorgeous cheeks. We went to the club and as she climbed the stairs her whole ass and pussy was exposed for the people downstairs. What a turn-on. We entered the club and the dress never stayed where it should the whole club knew what her ass looked like and i showed my appreciation by being hard for her.
top cat

It was a beautiful pink dress that fit like a glove and was about two inches from her pussy, this meant that her ass was in view for any one wasnting to look.Bend over and her wet pussy was right there ready for me in between her gorgeous cheeks. We went to the club and as she climbed the stairs her whole ass and pussy was exposed for the people downstairs. What a turn-on. We entered the club and the dress never stayed where it should the whole club knew what her ass looked like and i showed my appreciation by being hard for her.
top cat

I met her at the bar where she was already having a drink, she ordered one for me and proceded to propose a toast.
I knew what kind of night it was going to be when she toasted.
"To hard dick and wet pussy" and began to caress my already swoolen penis. she was wearing a really short black skirt, that if she were standing would barely cover her ass, and a sheer top without a bra that showed her hard nipples.i pulled her skirt above her ass and began caresing her. She did not care that people passing behind could see her bare ass. She began to warm up to me and my my finger found her wet pussy. She began to gyrate on the bar stool as I tickled her clitoris.
The couple across from us surely knew what we were doingbecause they kept looking at us and smiling. As I sent my finger deep into her wet pussy I could feel her cummin. I wondered what she would do as she was not accostomed to cummin quietly. She squeezed my hand with her pussy and did her best not to scream as she came, but the couple across still kne what happened.
Finger licking
This is a pretty pathetic story... Gandalf
and I think that some of you should really get a life... none
....And on and on and far beneath the free floating pair of Joan and Mary Bamboozle the steady rhythms of carnal delights coupled and uncoupled in the modern Gommhora of the city. Amidst the soot, grime and the stench of garbage heaped curbs the minions of urban life went through the hollow motions of procreation to relieve the unremitting emptiness of their otherwise solitary existences.
From high over the weather beaten roofs and bent TV aerials it all seemed so insignificant to Joan. Pathetic. It was why she'd turn to the heroin suppositories in the first place. At least with those she was certain to get off and the experience was going to last more than fifteen minutes (including the foreplay.)
"Higher, Mommy, higher!" squealed Mary Bamboozle above her."we've got ever so far to go. Hurry! They're waiting!"
Joan turned her head one last time and spit on her former life. She had no idea where Mary Bamboozle was taking her. But it certainly couldn't be any worse.
As circumstance would have it that particular glob of saliva sailed down to land with a mucousy splat on a tiny bathroom window deep in Brooklyn where the young Ginsberg had locked himself with the men and boys underwear ads from the Sears catalogue. The noise startled him and looking up from a rather salacious page of boy's brief ads he saw beyond the slowly descending blob of spittle what he took to be a Blake inspired vision of a motley pair of angels dissappearing into the overcast. He gasped ecstatic. And then returned to the catalogue and working the blunt end of a hair brush between his buttocks with renewed vigour once Joan and Mary Bamboozle were gone from sight.
Mary and Joan continued their ascent into the clouds. Joan was filled with wonder and amazement and a new hope for the future. She wondered just how fast they were flying and if Mary would stop to pick up that hitchhiker on that cloud over there. It was the old Ginsberg, thumbing for a ride.
"Sorry, we're not going your way!" Mary said as they wooshed past him. Joan glanced behind her and saw the old man flipping them off. The wind rushing past her ears prevented her from hearing his obscene diatribe. Oh well, onward and upward, she thought.
Upward is always the best. none
But downward is the way to rest. AUd
Hmm, I'm a poet and don't realize it, Joan chuckled to herself. Then she shivered. They were still ascending and the air was getting thin and crisp.
"Mary," Joan called. "I'm getting cold. How much farther do we have to go?"
"We've got a long way to go still!" Mary Bamboozle called back.
"Can we fly lower? I'm freezing!"
"No, we've got to go higher if we're to get there in time. They are waiting for us, don't you know."
Joan's teeth began to chatter and her whole body shivered uncontrolably. "M-m-m-ary, I-I-I d-d-don't th-th-th-think I c-c-can s-s-tand th-th-th-the c-c-c-cold m-m-m-uch l-longer!"
Tough it up, honey, it only gets worse. coco
Alright then. The jacket zipper is broken, so I hold the cold leather in my fingertips and pull it closed around me, glaring coolly at the passing landscape. If it gets worse, at least I know that now, I think, catching glimpses of this country's desolation in the distance. The train moves steadfastly across the land, smoke rises along the edges of the horizon. The air is rank with the smell of industrial fires. I crane my neck to peer around my traveling companion, to see the stranger with the bitter advice. I am nobody's honey. I am nobody here, in fact. But I am tough, and this is enough to occupy my mind as the creaking sounds of our train car grind toward some unknown destination. Sunshine
However, you're not alone, and your jacket could be fixed in no time. "Hold tight before the wind swoosh it off your back. You think I'm joking don't you? But, I can fix that in no time. I am a tailor you know. I always carry my thimble in my pocket, and a needle behind my collar. Go on, grab me by the collar, and you'll soon find out that I'm not lieing. I see you have a smile in your face, thinking what will happen if you do grab me. Haha, but you can't see me because I am invisible. You might as well keep on dreaming. Look at me, can you see me? Of course not, I'm invisible. Oh dear!! there goes your jacket. Don't say I didn't warn you about the strong wind. Good bye jacket, good bye you, there's lot of people, but not many like you. Keep on dreaming. Joseph
Oh hi! I was compelled to come back and tell you that I also carry my industrial sewing machine in my right jacket pocket. I see your smile has increased in its intensity and changed into a laugh. You're wondering how on earth I can carry an industrial machine in my jacket pocket. Right? Yes keep on laughing, it won't harm you or me. A laugh is good for the soul. You wish you can find out whether your stream of thought about the sewing machine could ever be a reality. Don't doubt me my friend. One thing is for sure, the sewing machine is also invisible. But don't tease me any longer, because You'll find out sooner or later whether I have the machine in my jacket pocket or not. And please stop shaking your head. Do you want to know something? That is one thing I hate, visible people making fun of invisible people. I see you don't heed to my warning. There, now do you believe me?"
Ooouuuch, Oooooooh my foot, it's brokeeeeeen...It's bleeding...Oh my goodness, what on earth was that?
Oh, now you believe me. That was my invisible industrial sewing machine. Take me to the hospital please, please, make it quick. Ouch it hurts.
Ok, I'm calling the ambulance, and it will be here shortly. I'll bandage your foot in this clean handkerchief. There you are, does that make it feel better? Oh here it comes. They answer pretty fast.
Here comes what?
The ambulance, they are bringing a stretcher, wow the nurse is so pretty. Can you see them?
I can't see anything. You must be crazy.
No, I'm not crazy, I'm just invisible.
Never mind that, where is the ambulance, and the nurse?
Now it's time for me to laugh. Everything is invisible here except you.
I can't understand all this garbage.
You see, the visible cannot understand the invisible. The invisible has more power over the visible. Don't fool with the invisible or you might get hurt very badly and very visibly. I'm leaving you now, the nurse will look after you, bye. Oh, and don't fool with the nurse now.
What nurse? Oh go away, and get a life.
She is invisible also, I hope you will heed to my warning. Don't fool with the unknown, or things you can't see. They will harm you. Bye for now, and don't forget, I'll be watching you.
When you BELIEVE in things you don't understand,you will suffer.
See how your unsure,insecure self suffers. Be brave,for others will
care for the weeker part of you. If they don't,buck up and get it together.
Hope your going to feel better.
Feeling better is the hardest part. It's going to be tough when you come around but you gotta keep on fighting. none
If you ever give up, then was it really worth living? Was it ever worth fighting for something if you just throw in the towel in the end? No, you have to keep going. Run until all is lost, until all your energy is gone. Never lose hope. Patti
Manic depression is such a hard thing to deal with. They keep telling be to be positive, but its hard. I just keep thinking of my love and how she was taken away from me on that stormy night on lake superior. OHenry

"Oh, stop your incessant whining, for God's sake!" she said as she poured the icey gin into the frosty martini glasses. "I swear you have been on my last nerve for a week now. Here, drink this and you'll feel better. At least I will anyway." she said, handing the cocktail to her companion. She tossed back the drink in a single gulp and started to mix another. When she was finished she washed and dried her polished chrome cocktail shaker and tucked it back inside her 3 foot high strawberry blond beehive hairdo. She adusted her hot pink vinyl miniskirt and tossed back the second martini, olives and all.
"Vashondra DuLuncheonette, you make a mean martini." said Vashondra's companinon.
"Yes, well I always say, stick to what you know."
"I really shouldn't be drinking before six, and certainly not before a major operation. It's 15 minutes to I smell like booze?" Dr. Blatimore sniffed a sample of his own breath. He extended his hand to Vashondra.
"What. I'm not gonna smell it."
"Gum, Vashondra."
"I got three kinds; what suits you?"
"Quickly. Anything."
He gets Nicorette.
He begins to chew at it, his face screws up a bit then his weathered face perks into a smile.
"Not bad at all, maybe we should give this stuff a test, eh Vash?"
She looks up at the doctor blankly, her heavily make-uped lashes beating agianst those sweet cheeks. Leaning forward Dr. Blatimore kisses her full on the lips.
"Ew, I don't believe you did that, you must really be drunk. I feel sorry for the poor soul who is going under the knife!"
Reaching in her purse, she pulls out some Scope, gargles and spits by his feet.
Grinning, he strokes her chin.
"I know you love me stop denying it..."
His watch rings out a harsh beep, he stares at the offending timepiece to head over to the operating room.
Ruthee Ruth
Suddenly, Dr. Blatimore arched his back in pain, grabbed his arm, yelled something about his heart and fell down on the floor. Before she could do anything he said, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
Then he promptly passed away. She didn't even cry, she just went to the bathroom and washed her face and hands. Then she went to the bowling alley. She assumed that one of the orderlies would find the docter and take care of things. Right now she just wanted to bowl.
J. Carr
She paused by the door, lighting a smoke to calm her nerves. It has been a long day. Even though the doctors breath is rank, and he treats her like a five dollar bimbo...Vash has a deep love, a twisted kind that makes you smile to see the one you care for hurting. Taking a drag, a bum wanders and asks for a light for a stubbed out ciggy. She flicks her lipstick covered Marbolo to him quickly, skittering inside the musty bowling alley.
The scent of dirty socks, air fresheners and sweaty bowlers fills her lungs. Swaying to the counter, she flicks a stray hair back and smiles at the man.
"Hey you...where are my lucky bowling shoes, I feel like celebrating."
Someone that a girl loves, but always ends up hating...
Ruthee ruth
"Steerrrrike!" The clatter of pins and rush of applause overwhelms the jukebox's tinny efforts to play an old Springsteen tune.
I wondered if she had noticed me as I had her. My eyes flicked casually over in her direction and caught a hint of recognition flash across her face. The welcoming smile that followed disarmed me and I turned and reached for another Speights.
I sighed, sipping at my drink. The memories in my mind so hard to drown out. The years we had, I wonder if she had ever thought of me as much. I doubt it...her life with so many men wrapped around her little finger. What man could resist with a figure like that. I chug it down quick, ignoring the burning in my mouth. That will never compare to the burning she left in my soul.
One small bowling glove covered hand rests on my shoulder, turning I see her there smiling at me holding some spicy cheetos in her other hand.
She knows those snacks really turn me on...I lick my lips wanting a taste of those spicy lips once more...
Ruthee ruth
"You really should keep your thoughts to yourself." Vash said and she dumped the cheetohs in his lap. Then she sauntere back to her own lane and picked up her da-glo pink bowling ball. She held it before her and stared down the alley as if she were locked in mortal combat. In a single graceful movement, she swung the ball behind her and hten forward and let it fly down the alley, knocking down every pin with a satisfying crash. Her bowling technique was truly something to behold. No other woman in all of Blaine County could bowl strike after strike wearing a vinyl miniskirt and balancing a 3 foot high Strawberry blond beehive hairdo on her head. And that was why every man in all of Blaine County wanted Vashonddra for his own. But they would never have her. cuddles
"Oh my gosh." McBain sits bolt upright in his bed, sweat drenching his sheets and pillow.
"What is it dear?" McBain's wife asks with apprehension.
McBain just sits for a moment, forming his thoughts into words. Nothing comes. "That was, without a doubt, the strangest dream I have ever had in my life."
"What was it?"
"Well..." McBain struggles with his thoughts once more, "there was this woman and..."
Instantly the room is filled with noise. Lonnie's instincts move her to cover her ears, while McBain's cause him to dive for the floor. The latter prove more affective in that several stray bullets find their way into Lonnie's unsuspecting frame.
"LONNIE!!!" McBain belts. Suddenly a darkly clad personage climbs through the window. In a fit of controlled rage McBain snaps his neck like he learned back in the Panaxan War. Two more assailants sweep into the room more deftly than their recently deceased partner. The first fires several more shots in McBain's direction before finding his wrist broken and gun on the floor. The final attacker delivers a crushing blow to McBain's midsection. He is phased but retains his composure. As the next strike comes McBain catches his opponents arm and uses the moment to impale him on one of the jagged bed posts. "Who sent you?" McBain screams at his lame-armed friend.
"Screw you," he growls back. McBain plants his heel into the already throbbing wrist.
"I won't ask again."
The darkly clad warrior winces in agony. "Falcon," he stammers, "it was Falcon."
Falcon....the name echoed in her head..but what was the refrence to McBain? must have been too many Simpsons reruns. Whenever she couldn't sleep she watched that show, and thought of the man she once loved.
She had thought he was in for a life sentence? How could it be he is here, sitting and drinking beer...staring straight at her full lips covered in spicy cheeto dust. Even with the terrible things that happened, all she wanted was him once more.
As she kissed his cheetoed lips, the dust went up her nose, transporting her beyond the everyday reality of their relationship to a land. There she found herself naked, oozing potatoe chips from every pore, craving sex with nacho's, wanting more from her mundane life. His lips were fuller now and she could see his yellowed fingers reaching out for her. Jonquil
As she kissed his cheetoed lips, the dust went up her nose, transporting her beyond the everyday reality of their relationship to a land. There she found herself naked, oozing potatoe chips from every pore, craving sex with nacho's, wanting more from her mundane life. His lips were fuller now and she could see his yellowed fingers reaching out for her. Jonquil
She was disgusted, not believing she was letting this aging crimal's lips touch hers. The realization of the doctor's death hit her, like a bowling ball to her small high heeled feet. Grabbing the wrinkled hand reaching near her bust, she twisted his wrist and broke it. Scattering various snack foods behind her she swiveled from the bowling alley wondering where to go next. She could use an escape from her reality.
Little did she know, the man was watching her wigggling rear as she left him there, broken by a twig. He should of known not to mess with that girl, one thought echoed in both of their minds as the glass door closed behind her:
"If you mess with fire, you are sure to get burned."
Vashondra decided she needed to sterilize her mouth. She ducked into the nearest dive bar and showed the bartender how to make the perfect martini. She downed the first one and decided this bartender needed practice so she ordered another. She gazed around the near empty yet smoke-filled bar. There was an old wooden tiki statue standing in the corner and the wall were made to look like bamboo lattice. She loved places like this. It reminded her of her childhood. cuddles
Through the smoke a grizzly voice hissed in her ear, "Well, look at this, such a princess is rare in these parts, my dear." The voice breathed a shiver up her spine to the very front of her skull, but she refused to so much as twitch. This was not the part of her childhood she wanted to remember, and yet every instinct in her body remembered. She knew the game all too well, as natural as any addiction. She glanced at the bartender. A flickering eye and a hand below the counter gave her what she needed to know. She hoped he had better skills for this than he had at mixing drinks.

this day is going all wrong, like one of thos dreams that you have. You go to bed, and dream of sleeping..and keep waking up from nightmare after nightmare..just to see another dream. Maybe this is not real, she pinched the flesh at her arm.
Sitting up in her soft bed, full of lace and pillows. Soft scents comforting. She pulled the comforter close to her chest, her bust heaving. The doctor wasn't really dead, a bartender with a face from her grisly past wasn't real...just a dream. Swallowing a round white pill she sighs, wishing she never had to sleep agian.
Keyoot one
She knew what he was reaching for under the counter. His eyes flashed as he pulled the matallic blue object from the compartment. He put the small, round object onto the table in front of her. She looked at it then at the bartender's face. He smiled his strange, alien smile of long, white fangs. She saw something in his eyes, something that scared her. She looked back down at the object below her. His hands seemed ready to snach the object and betray her what she had long since paid for. She glanced at the bartender once more, then at the object. She moved her hand to touch it, make sure of it's actuality. Her hand touched the cold metal and her fears were assured. She took a last look at the bartender before grabing the object and placing it in her coat pocket. He seemed a bit jumpy, she took into notice. "Are you afriad of something, my noble sir?" she asked. He smiled again and his voice was finally heard, raspy but beautiful to her. "I am fearful of nothing, dear girl. Nothing." She sighed and stood to leave, but hesitated a moment, taking in all around her. The bartender watched her go, watching her every slight movement. She reached the door, then turned back. The bartender looked so human to her, though she knew it was a fake and he had come from the planet invading hers, but now she had protection. She was glad that he had not desived her. She did finally go, the bartender watching her gracefull movements, and walked into the forest. She soon forgot the bartender's startlingly beautiful face as she explored the forest. She felt starnge, like someone was watching her. She turned every which way but saw no one. She heard a sound and turned quickly. She gasped at the sight that lay before her. Alli
Mushrooms that smiled and had teeth. Multi-colored mushrooms. It all came rushing back to her at that familiar vision. This wasn't the forest. Only the parking lot outside the bar. Those weren't mushrooms...they were - She shook her head and stubbled. Her vision was fogged and seemed to move slowly, each object leaving color conrails behind it. She closed her eyes and stood still, her arms pressed tightly against her sides.
"Man, check out that chick! She's trippin' bro." the speaker wore exetremely baggy pants, a KISS shirt and his unkempt hair hung down below his shoulders. His friend, wearing a similar outfit and sporting a goatee, responded, "Dude. What'da think she's on? Acid or something?"
"Yeah man, probly."
"Wonder if she score us some..."
"What'er you smokin' man? A chick like that wouldn't touch us."
"She totaly would. She's probly one of those corporate secretary bimbos or somethin'. Real bummed out that her boss rapes'er every Friday night."
"Screw you man. You think every stoned chick is a dirty Siagon whore or something. You're messed up in the head dude. Come on, let's just leave'er alone."
The conversation paused and the duo stepped past the stoned chick.
Vashondra opened her eyes again. Her vision was clearer, but not perfect. She could see fuzzy forms of cars around her and she could percieve the glowing beer signs in the bar's windows. She squinted and looked around for the car that was hers. She finaly saw it, parked between a Beemer and an old Ford. It was red, an '88 cadillac. She loved to drive it. It made her feel comfortable and secure. She walked slowly towards it, determined not to lose her balance the whole stretch to its location at the end of the not-so-long parking lot.
As she walked she was thinking of what had just happened. She remembered the death of the Docter. She remembered driving to the bowling alley and bowling some great games (as usual). Then...vagueness. She thought hard and suddenly her mind grasped a dangling thread of thought. It broke. It grabbed again. Finaly it came to her. She had walked outside the bowling alley after talking to that man, that friend of hers that she couldn't quite recall. She had reached into her pocket and found...ah yes, the acid tabs. The alley behind the bowling alley...yes, she had been stoned out of her mind. She suddenly turned back and looked at the bar. No, she thought. No, nope, uhuh. Not aliens. No way. She reached into her pocket searching for something to prove all of this. She could see all of her od visions now, and she remebered the blue metal disk the bartender had given her. Her hand found something in her pocket. It was cold to her touch. She yanked it out, suddenly almost horrified. She closed her eyes to clear her vision more fully before looking at it. She looked. It was silver, not blue. It was, in very fact, a quarter. One of those new ones, she thought. She scrutinized it. It was a Montana quarter. The picture on it was of a shack with an odd flag flying. The inscription read, "LeaveusthehellaloneMontana". People are strange, she thought as she opened up her car and got inside.
Cynic Karl!
She drove as fast as she could for she knew osmething was following her. She drove all night until she fell asleep at the wheel. The car spun out of control. She woke up suddenly from the thrashing of the car and screamed. The quarter was all she could think of to save her now. lisa
She drove as fast as she could for she knew something was following her. She drove all night until she fell asleep at the wheel. The car spun out of control. She woke up suddenly from the thrashing of the car and screamed. The quarter was all she could think of to save her now. lisa
Opening the door of her car after it skidded to the side of the road, she slipped from the leather seat examining the damage. Somehow she lived through it, though her poor car is just a ball of twisted alumiunum. Stepping on the dusty road, never seeing the empty highway behind her but lights in the distance of a nearby convience store. Palming her quarter, she kicked off her heels and scrambled up the wall. Somehow this reminded her of her wreckless teenage years.
"No time for reminicing now..." she whispered as her pantyhose tore along the rough unpaved road to salavation.
fart me
Looking at the dial on the telephone, she screamed. All the numbers seemed to be the same. Forgetting her name, everything that ever happened, a bony finger slipped into the holes. Staring, her voice echoed down the eerie vacant corridor.
"This is my hand, it is nothing but a charred bone!"
Something tells her she didn't survive the crash. Pulling her leather jacket close, squeezing the lids of her eyes shut. A harsh voice echoes in her mind, repeating like a song that keeps going on and on in your brain...slowly driving her insane.
"This can't be heaven, stuck in hell. Your dead, what's the smell. Flames will eat your body my dear, Living the wrong life, gave you a doom of pain and fear. Be afriad my little madien, for you are to become the devil's wife. The last thing you will know is face staring into your innocent eyes, the eterentiny of strife!"
Swirling mists thicken, her hand drops the phone with a scream. . .
A scream that convulsed from between spasming shoulders, vomiting
forth into the air as a multi-coloured sound kaleidoscope, hideous
and serpentine.


She cried, knowing that, if written down, it would never look or feel as
dramatic as it sounded.

And awoke, confused and bleary, she looked around her and saw ...
the world passed by without noticing her pain. Her sorrow was hers alone. The thought of the bearing this burden alone was overwhelming and her heart sunk. She turned to the next person who passed her and.... Me
There he was, the doctor whose heart had shattered before her. She thought of just walking off, like he was just another unimportant passer by in her life. She watched him die, and just went to bowl like another regular day. The thought almost made her want to hurl. His wispy vericose veined hand floated out to meet hers, his face taking all the forms of the men and friends she had scorned. A voice, warm so familar whispers soft into her ear.
"I forgive you my child...for life wove its ways into your mind. I am not a cruel thing like most think. I am fate, deserve another chance. I will let you live once more. Reborn in a different situation..maybe you will remember this life in your next...but the way things usaully will not, mistakes will be made..I will forgive you untill things go right. You will find the divine..."
But the throaty voice in her right ear was not about to let her believe any such nonsense. "You're doomed, bitch, you hear me -- DOOMED!" She shuddered and felt a faint trickle of urine run involuntarily down the insides of her thighs. The doctor, the doctor, the doctor, the doctor... What the hell was it, a snatch of song she couldn't quite catch rippling through her skull... What, what, what? She absolutely loathed when this happened. The thing was to breath deeply, deeply -- "unbind your feet relax and float downstream" as the recently reformed (and in one case, reanimated) Beatles had sung to a screaming audience of millions in Beijing only last Spring -- the thing was, to relax the mind, to relax, to let the consciousness assume enough weight to sink past all those ratty surface conjectures and associations, sink down, down, down toward the thing she couldn't place. Gravity would take over from there... Ignore the jeering little voices, the misnamed devils, ignore the lists of things not yet done, ignore the groundless terrors, and the little gnats, and the creepy spiders... And there, then, out of the swirling nebulae of memory there appeared a room... Brightlit, all mawkish 1970s lamp-a-go-go gone suburban nearly a decade too late, tres Bunch de Bradie -- it's a waiting room, ah, magazines and toys scattered about the floor... babies crawling... of course, she thinks, of course, the reception area of that pediatric specialist... Doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor... Benway! Of course, Dr. Benway -- how the hell could she have managed to forget those important little episodes, and the lessons they so mercilessly yielded... Philip, narrowly escaped from the sanatorium where he has been unjustly confined these past weeks She shook herself again and looked at a child sitting on her own in the corner of the room the blond hair, the green eyes, the little snub nose. she could almost imagine the child with wings sprouting from her back and a golden halo floating above her head. suddenly the child's mother snatched the little girl away shooting evil,suspicious glances at her. Too Right with a child like that.
"Gabriella Andrews" the nurse called.
" come on Gabriella" the mother said to the little girl, dragging her to her feet. as they departed from the waiting room, Gabriella turned and waved at her,
then proceeded to clasp her hands together in the praying form. her mother pulled her through the door and it shut with a bang.
Am I going to die? she thought, is she... praying for me?
no that can't be right.
slowly, painfully, carefully she slid from the stiff hard backed chair and dragged herself into the ladies room. When she finally found herself shut in a stall with her back against the door which - no matter how hard she forced it - wouldn't lock she realised what today was, what she was supposed to do other than see Dr. Benway. She knew she had to...
She crept from the room, slipping into the operating room. There he was with a scapel in his hand. She pressed her face on the window hardly beliving her eyes. This was before, all of those terrible things had happened! Somehow she had went back in time...somehow...though how she could never know why she had given this chance. Looking up at the ceiling she whispered.
"Thank you, whoever is watching me."
Waiting for the procedure to end, she placed her small bony hand on the doctor's shoulder. He looked to her grinning a sauve smile. Their is something oddly different to this man. It wasn't the man she knew, but younger and brash. Was this a son of his? She never remebered the doctor having any children...
The man kissed her on the lips, and whispered some imcomprehensible words into her ear. She looked to his face, her eyebrows raising. Whatever was happening kept getting weirder by the minute...
"What did you say?" Her words reverberated against the walls in the cold, stark, sterile, unfriendly ... yet oddly inviting ... operating room.

The doctor smiled, revealing a full set of perfect pearly-whites ... he cleared his throat ... "Allow me to introduce myself ... for the second or so time ..."
Jane swallowed nervously. She glanced around the room uneasily, there was something strange about this place.. as if it was a memory that couldn't quite be reached. Tris
She felt as though she had been here before, yet the uneasy feeling caused her to sufocate the feeling that doom was approaching. Phyllis
Memories that had been repressed for years started to resurface and disturb her train of thought. Without being aware a stream of saliva had left her lips and trailed down her chin. Victoria Ainscough
They were memories of being mentally and physically abused. Memories that included many countries, and different terrains. The Doctor tried to rouse her... Queen Victoria
Her eyes fluttered open, and her gaze shot up to his face. She could hardly believe that he looked so handsome, kind and loving. Just like many male faces she had seen before. Her father had that sort of face, the kind that you would never suspect had malicious intents in the soul. So many males had hurt her, as she looked in the milky blue eyes of the doctor, her insticts told her to get up and run as quickly as she could. Her body ached so badly, she couldn't move an inch. Slowly icy tears ran down her cheek, stinging her neck.
The doctor stroked her thin hands. He smiled down at her, and pulled a thick warm woolen blanket across her shivering body. He spoke, with a soft soothing voice. It could only comfort her for a moment, with all her memories of the past swirling inside her head like a volcano just bout to blow. She could never forget those words as she reluctly fell into a deep slumber.
"Don't worry dear, everything will be fine.............."
And from deep inside her tortured soul, the demon awoke. Screaming profanities
it crawled through her stomach, up her espophagus, emerging from her throat.
Her eyes rolled, her tongue flopped. The doctor held her more tight, and finding her horribly sexy, he placed his large lips over her small lips. He sucked with such great force, the demon came hurdling down his throat. The girl went limp and the doctor dropped her. He was raging with insanity.
Taking one last look at the frail limp girl, the doctor ran out into the cold wet night. Who am I? Where do I belong? The doctor not remembering his past, wandered aimlessly. A gang of crippled bikers surrounded him and demanded
he give them all his money. The doctor was confused. "GANG RAPE" the bikers yelled. As they tore his clothes from his body, the demon took control.
Larger than life the doctor grew to 7 feet. He was naked and frightening, and the crippled bikers limped and crawled away. A couple of the really bad off bikers. old Tom Tilly, no leg freak, and Coughing Carlos were caught by the demon doctor. The doctor licked his lips and ate both of them.
The good doctor felt the warmth of their blood as it trickled down his naked torso. Small, partially chewed chunks of gray intestine stuck in his chest hair. A toenail stuck in his teeth. It hurt like a BITCH!! The demonic doctor screamed furiously and took off running down the damp early morning street. Dave McShane
Sitting up on the table, her face turned a gastly green. She moaned, looking up at the harsh lights beating on her warm forehead. Oh, god why do things like this always happen.
"I never want to see another frikken doctor as long as I live, not sure men and living this loco life is even worth it anymore!"
Her voice echoed, and as her eyes closed in a blink she was laying underneath the stars, with every inch of her body showing. Shreiking she scooped pineneedles around her. Crud...wish death would take mne but what good it would do..something good has to happen soon!
"oh spirit of the moon, I don't get what made it so the devil is my only partner.."
Life is a dog that likes to howl just like you do.
Freak of nature
Then she began to touch herself. A piercing warmth spread over her skin, from deep inside her.
Her body began to quiver, her heart seemed to be beating a mile a minute. Placing her forehead to the soft earth, she took a long breath inhaling the spicy scent of wet dirt. Thinking it was her last breath, her hands dug into the soil. Her pain melted down her face, making her face damp. These tears that escaped, were not like any other she had shed. Silver like the moon full in the night, covering her whole body. Silver threads wrapped around her from the ground. Gasping she dropped onto the floor of the forest...sticky threads wrapping around. This is time for a change, months go by the trees dropping needles over the encased girl while the demon doctor still ravishes the land, eating his fill of blood and carnage. Ruth, the strange girl
In land far away, a true hero wakes up from a fitfull night of raging dreams.
He knows he must do something....something very important. As he washes and readies for the day something is pulling, nagging the back of his brain. He knows it is crazy, but he knows he is being called to battle.
He unlocks the old chest his father left him. He takes a deep breath and pulls out a dust covered box. Carefully he removes the lid, opens the tissues. It is the robe of Horius the Brave. The hero knew the time and hour and had been waiting and training for this his whole life. He turns and pulls out a green velvet covered box. Inside are the articles of magic he will need to complete his arming.
A brown banana dusted with the ashes of Joan of Arc, the only potato NOT eaten during the Great Potato Famine, and a naked photo of Grandma Moses. Those items would put a quick end to any foe. Dave McShane
I had a friend one time who said she killed her husband by fixing him dinner in a iron skillet and letting it sit on the stove for two days. I thought to myself this guy's taste buds must of perished a long time ago. What do you think? Do you think someone could die that way? I know there are many ways to put an end to a foe......who is thinking this....could it be me??? Waking on a bed of pine needles under the cover of trees, I find myself naked and plotting murder. Yes, yes I think I remember. Yes I know what has happened to me!
What do you call someone who loves You? leo
Mom Eamon
Mom? Momma? Where are you? I have looked under the stairs, in the basement, and in all the closets.
Mom is not all here anymore, she's got that Old Timer's disease. She likes to hide.....well I guess it is more like forgetting where she is and just going to sleep.
DAD!!! Where are you Dad, gotta find Mom again.
Those whips of vines unfurl around the body, making the pupae glow with a strange light. The air glows with a rainbow of colors, nobody notices though. Too busy with lives, and sleeping in cozy warm beds. Her lives before flicker in the shadows of her mind. How could she had forgotten the day her mother wandered out the door, never returning. Her father walked in the door, wiping his hands.
"Just ketchup." he said, letting the red stains flow off his rough strong hands.
She had believed him, so blind and young. Looking to her small white hands, she knew somehow she had to make things right. Jane, in her new form missed the whisps of animal fur sweeping from her wrists...
Great Mother, Earth Mother, they are both the same. We look to the night sky, under a fool moon. Memories of past lives flood into Jane's mind, rythmic dancing, distant chanting. Peggy Sue
Jane begins to jump up and down. Jumping wildly, she knocks her dad over. "
Eeks Daddy, you got ketsup all over me. Hmmph, I think you are going to have to give me a bath again. I think you did this on purpose, Daddy!"
The light swung in the hallway from when the cops had sent it swinging. Shadows on the dad, shadows on the girl. Diego
Shadows were all around. Finally the father said, "Thank you for posing noode in my , Maggie." Jacques Kay
I always pose nude in the Maggie, the little girl said. My mother gave me the Maggie when she left two years ago. She said, Tulip dear, this Maggie is for you. It has served me since I was your age. It served your grandmother and her mother and countless others in our lineage. Be very proud of your Maggie, dear, it is the only one of its kind.
Ever since I pose nude in my Maggie for my Daddy.
There was a crack in the ceiling she'd noticed when she was three. When she couldn't pretend she was alone in the house she pretended she escaped through the crack in the ceiling.
When she was older, she was punished for trying to crack open the kitchen floor, too.
Run, run run you are afriad. Looking in the water you saw something that wasn't you staring up back at you. Some fuzzy sea monster wating to munch on a sweet little landeller like you. Panting as the endless rows of trees ends by the street, you sit at the corner staring at your hands.
I am a monster now, a weird freak like you read in those cheap Star magizines. How could anything be worse, someone will most like me take me in and tear up my bones until nothing left is DNA.
Poking a stray stick in a crack in the sidewide, raspy coughing shivering up from her lungs. Childhood dreams of shrinking and escaping in cracks rises in her mind. Scraping the twisted stick along the steet, a foot touches on the end.
A large demon creature falls, making a deep hole in the ground. She wiggles the branch on its side she mumbles to herself.
"Somehow this seems famliar."
Devil in the blue dress
She slipped her mother's jacket off of her slim shoulders. The November air picked up on this vulnerability and attacked her, tousling hair and raising skin. The wind was howling furiously down the avenue, too, so she wasn't entirley sure if the demon was breathing.
The beast was easily the size of a boxer or wrestler, with deep brick skin and thin, reedy antlers that jutted unceremoniously out of his skull. The face was still intently coiled up against the pavement, sealed away from the wind and all company.
"I've seen you before," she rattled.
The doctor casts a hypnotic spell over her, taking her back to where they first met. Sarah
Then Scooby Doo runs in begging for a Scooby snack none
Pet the dog and put him out to play with the pig. Pablo
Pigs are fun after Scooby snacks. none
So is your momma. none
I felt the evil doctor breathing on my neck. I pretended to be asleep.
He was sniffing my hair and pulling on my blouse. I was very afraid. After awhile I felt him walk away. I opened my eyes and slowly turned my head. The evil doctor was busy mixing something up at his makeshift lab across the room.
Slowly I got myself up off the floor and started tip toeing to the door. Just as I put my hand on the doorknob the evil doctor turned around. I gasped. The evil doctor sneered and dropped a beaker on the floor. I desperately tried to open the door but it was locked. I pulled, I yanked, I began to cry. The evil doctor turned his back on me and continued with what he was doing.
And your Daddy too!
Three hairs from a white bat, a tooth from a rattlesnake, a jar of ocean water, and a pinch of rosemary added to my secret formula, will make this woman love me, thought the evil doctor to himself. Aloud he laughed with a booming cackle, he turned on heels and eyed the frightened girl. Come to me of your own free will, he ordered her. I AM WAITING FOR YOU NOW. Come my precious, come see what I have for you.

The girl cowers and covers her eyes, just like she thinks she is protecting herself. She scratches the door till her fingernails bleed. The doctor limps his heavy body across the room. He grabs the girl by her long brown hair, and pulls her to her feet. He gives her several good shakes while holding on to the roots of her hair. "You will obey me now", "you will do as I say". The evil doctor drags her across the floor, over broken glass and drops her like a sack of potatoes at his gross ugly feet.
Grabbing on his hairy feet, whimpering like a hurt puppy she looks up to his grotesque face and notcices her large doe-like eyes reflected back to her in his giant red ones. If this is over, no when it is done I will go where no man can find me. This whole ordel reminds her of the child's story Beauty and the Beast. The way the doctor looks is like the greek myth of the minotaur, a bull man that was lost in a maze for way too long.
"Why do you have to pick me? You don't know how it was...A life that was like a series of jumping in a frying pan into a fire, and then skipping up back into the frying pan agian! I implore you, Beast set me free!"
Looking down his face softens a bit, then his bull eye egnites in fire his nostrils bursting into flames and kicks her to the side. She was still grabbing on the hairs of his feet, her hands shifting slowly into razor sharp hooves...
"If you know of someone who can replace you, I will let you go but there will be consequenses if you don't send someone in your place"
"What kind of consequences?" she asked.
We Shall See...
Her fingers tightened around the stick. She couldn't help but notice the taut cords that formes his neck, possibly the only human part about him. Lord knows those sunken pits couldn't have been eyes, or those thick, stubby ends fingers and a thumb . . . Diego
Falling to a crumbled heap, in a soft bed of fallen leaves at his feet. Her voice called out in defeat. All that came out was a song, something that had played in her mind since she was born. Calbering around, she sat on her knees kneeling in front of the giant demon. Daring to look into those evil red glowing eyes, the music of the ages escaped from her lungs.
"There is a place...somewhere. Everyone knows my face...somewhere. Someone is waiting for me there, the one who really cares. I believe. Has to be more than this, more then bitter kisses...more than false statements of love. Been on this world so long, so long I don't remember how it started. How I kept this heart, I am not too sure. Somewhere the cure is waiting..for this I am anticipating..."
She felt light pricking inside her heart, an emotion she hadn't had for so long it burst from her mouth. A lovely rainbow shone across the wall, sparkling with all the hopes she thought she lost.
It was so beautiful a silver tear trickled down her now furry face.
Ruth A
She put her hand up to wipe the tear, and felt her furry face. All at once all the lost memories flooded back into her tortured mind. She remembered the man who loved her with all his heart, she rememberd the terrifying accident, AND she remembered the doctor before he went bad. There is another memory tugging at the back of her head.....she is not sure. She has some vague memory of the DEMON. The demon inside the doctor, had once been in her. Is that right? Could that be the memory she has been supressing all this time. Where did the demon come from, how did it get in her? She knows she must probe her memories, she must remember.
Just at that moment the evil doctor grunted and spit up something green and slimey. The girl snapped her attention back to the doctor. Before she had a chance to see what he spit up, it slithered behind the boxes on the floor. The rainbow on the wall disappeared, and a grayness replaced all the color in the room. Come my pretty little furry thing, the doctor spoke sweetly. The girl shook her head and pushed herself up against the wall. Oh, do not be afraid, I just want to stroke your pretty little neck. Come dear, you know you want to, the doctor said as he crossed the room. The girl bit her lip, and began to whimper.
Kneeling agaisnt the wall, a tention in her knees began to build. Sprinting past the beast on cloven hoofs, she managed to leap behind the pile of boxes that the slime just slurped behind with only knocking over a couple of them.
There was a large crack, with slime rivers flowing through it. It was too small for the beast to fit in this could be the only way to escape him.
Sliding through the masses of goo in the wall going for it without even thinking of what could lie ahead for her...
She slimed througn the goo, only to find a door on the other side. She opened the door, climbed through it, and shut it behind her. That was the only logical thing to do, because now the cloven-hoofed beast could not find her. At least that is what she used to call her ex. Now he was just another guy beating his head against a closed door, trying to get to her. Add him to the list, she thought, as she walked on into her new life, beyond the beast. Ladylessa
She slimed througn the goo, only to find a door on the other side. She opened the door, climbed through it, and shut it behind her. That was the only logical thing to do, because now the cloven-hoofed beast could not find her. At least that is what she used to call her ex. Now he was just another guy beating his head against a closed door, trying to get to her. Add him to the list, she thought, as she walked on into her new life, beyond the beast. Ladylessa
She slimed througn the goo, only to find a door on the other side. She opened the door, climbed through it, and shut it behind her. That was the only logical thing to do, because now the cloven-hoofed beast could not find her. At least that is what she used to call her ex. Now he was just another guy beating his head against a closed door, trying to get to her. Add him to the list, she thought, as she walked on into her new life, beyond the beast. Ladylessa
She slimed througn the goo, only to find a door on the other side. She opened the door, climbed through it, and shut it behind her. That was the only logical thing to do, because now the cloven-hoofed beast could not find her. At least that is what she used to call her ex. Now he was just another guy beating his head against a closed door, trying to get to her. Add him to the list, she thought, as she walked on into her new life, beyond the beast. Ladylessa
The first thing she noticed was mushrooms, the largest ones she had ever seen. They reminded her of portly men with large yellow teeth for some reason. Argh, the last thing I want to think about is men. Now the life of running from overly amourous males was over, unless...well at least now I am free.
Leaping to one of the smaller mushrooms, her gaze wanders around her new domian searching for any living creatures...
"So far it seems like a drug induced dream...a bunch of grimly smiling mushrooms..."
Pot cloth wearer
The doctor cackled with a horrible grating sound. He pushed the boxes around, searching. "Aha, here it is". The doctor pulls up a mangled green slimey thing, that is pulsing, moving. "My pet", he takes the thing to the laboratory, cooing to it.
I begin inching my way to the door. The lock is rusted, and hard to move. I finally get the lock open and crawl out the door.
It is night, cool and crisp. The night air hits my face, and new energy awakes inside me. I run to the first cover of bushes I see. I can see a light through the open door way and the doctor is moving. I must run, I must get away.
All through the night, I run and run. I am like a gazelle, swift and easy.
The stars above me are my light. I stop at a stream and drink my fill of cool water.
At last I come to some low hills, as the sun in coming up on the horizon. I must rest now. I am free and he will never find me. I can rest easy for one day. I find some rocks and and a nice warm sheltered place beneath them. I crawl in and curl up. Slowly sleep overtakes me.
The sun is low on the western horizon when I awake. I am groggy and dis oriented. My body feels awkward, sore, and fuzzy. FUZZY, fuzzy, why am I fuzzy. I look at my hands, my arms, my stomach, I feel my face. I am all covered in gray and white fur. Insise my head I know who I am, Tulip Dorsey. Yess I am Tulip Dorsey, 30 year old data entry clerk from Enid, Olkahoma. I am young, very pretty, and am engaged to a wonderful man. Oh no, what has happened to me. I begin to cry. I look at my hands. I am naked, but yet covered in fur. I am dirty and hungry and very afraid.
I crawl out of hole. I can see over a long distance in all directions. I am all alone. I sit. I remember a horrifying night. I remember an evil being who calls himself the doctor. I have been the doctor's prisoner for a very long time.
Why has no one missed me? Is anyone looking for me. No one would every recognize me in this condition. I must think what I should do. I must think.
The sun sets, and a cool breeze begins to blow. Crickets are chirping, mockingbirds are talking on the wind. I lay down and roll back into the hole.
The night air is sweet and I am so sleepy...
The field I'm in is covered in sticks, and I don't mean they're lying on the ground I mean that they're all planted in the ground, all over the place at even spaces and are all sticking up from the ground into the sky . . .
I am Tulip Dorsey. Furry. Naked. Hungry. I know I should be hiding up a tree, but there are no trees, all of these sticks and sticks . . .
These sticks remind me of something, me Tulip. I do have vague memories.
I am running in the woods, there ia light chill in the air. I am with two friends. One has a camera. I seem to remember we are making a documentary, a school project. I remember being very afraid, and running, always running.
There are these sticks, tied together. They look kind of scary, like someone istrying to leave a particular message.
Bending over, Jane slides the bandle of sticks over her hooves. Sharp eyes blinking notice another simalar one laying in the distance. Ignoring the instict of trouble, she finds herself folling the trail. After a while she comes to a wood, with trees as tall as skyscrapers. One has a hollow opening in the middle. Her hooves click together, without her even wanting to. Sparks rise, catching the sticks on fire.
Smoke rises, the bundle burning up into ashes. Still the light of flame is there dancing on her hooves. Breathing a wisp of air, the ball of flames floats into the tree. Peeking into the hole with large blue eyes seeing the mess of sticks clumbsily wrapped together inside, Jane comes to the conclusion this is some beast of this land's house.
Whatever isn't home, the sky fills with dark clouds and wet tears of rain pour down.
Sure hope they don't mind if I stay, she thinks gathering the golden yellow hay into a corner, and settling into a somewhat comfortable sleep.
R. Ann
She woke up some scant hours later, trying to distinguish who the being in the far corner of the house was. Like her, it was a furry, animalistic rendition of a woman. "More statuesque," she thought, "and much, much more relaxed than I must be right now. And if she minds my being here, she sure hasn't given any indication."
She didn't force herself from the hay. Rather, she executed a lazy roll to her side, crinkling some hay as she did so.
Sunlight streamed in through the gaps in the house's construction, and dust particles held their own in this warm stream. There were smaller strands of hay on the floor at random intervals, as if this bed hadn't always been intact.
There was also a distinct inscription of "mag" on the dirt floor, too, though it looked rather crumbled and smudged.
The creature lying on the other side of her woke, large brown eyes opening. She smiled, pointing to the floor then to herself. Must be her name. Nodding I open my mouth.
"Me Jane."
Did I say that, it is so like someone who had been living with monkeys and didn't know the words of english. Mag put a paw on my hoof, closing those large eyes with frilly long lashes brushing her cheeks. I heard a voice, but the lips of the girl in front of me didn't even quiver.
"Welcome to our world, you will be safe here. With us you will never have anything to fear. We, cross between animal and human live in this wood. Each protects the other."
Her eyes open wide she strokes my fuzzy cheek. I smile but can't help thinking about men and all the things they had done. Mag places her paws on my shoulders, a furry tail wraps around me her voice tingles in my brain.
"We had felt the pain like yours before, even the ones who are not female. We know of hurt, andd refrain from hurting others. If we ever do, we will be punished. Knowing of this, we stop ourselves before the thought of it enters our heads..."
Taking a deep breath, she falls down into the pile of straw with relief. The nightmare is over...or so she thinks.
As her eyes close, I watch her face for expression...fear, hate, loathing....none of those appear, and yet, I feel her fear around us...almost tangible. I walk away from her now-sleeping form, contemplating her cryptic words, and look back only once. She is gone, just as I knew she would be. I continue on my way, taking in the strange sights and smells wondering all the while, "When am I going to be home again?".

I looked up absently into the sky and to my wonderment a house seemed to be floating in the air. Only wait! It was getting closer now, coming at me at a phenomenal rate of speed. I moved aside just in time to save my own life. Another, not so fortunate soul was crushed. All that was left was its feet and upon them, a pair of jordan airs...
"Ah," I thought. "There's no place like home, indeed!"
I went for the sneakers. The knots were too complicated . . . they couldn't come off the feet.
She came to the end of her day dream and when she opened her eyes she saw a pirate standing before her. He was a rugged fellow who appeared to have seen some pretty rough times. He sported a hook, a peg leg and a black eye patch studded with a sapphire in the center. He was as curious about her as she was about him.
"Hello," she said.
"Aaargh!" he replied.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" she asked.
"Aaargh! In a bloody battle with Long John Silver! He took me leg but I bested him in the end, aaargh!" he answered.
"Well, how did you get that hook?" she queried.
"Aaargh, t'was a great white shark what took me hand, aargh!" he responded.
"Oh. What happened to your eye?"
"Bloody seagull crapped in me eye!"
"Oh, and it got infected?"
"Naw, aargh, t'was the first day with me new hook, aargh!"
"It would have to be like this," she thought glumly. "I WOULD have to wake up into some cheap, exhausted joke."
She desperately fumbled for something she could use as a weapon. She was in the middle of some road . . . and a flock of chickens was massing towards her direction . . .
Think silly, think, what should I do now? Bringing the car to a halt, I jump out and start running for the nearest tree. I kick off my shoes and scramble up the tree. Wow, finally safe! I watch the flock of chickens fly by. Interesting, the landscape from this height. I can see Dr Evil getting in his long black car. He takes of like lighting, heading in the other direction.
I catch my breath and climb back down the tree and run to my car. I get in and try to start the car. It's dead, the engine does not even turn over.
I get out of my car again, take a look around and head straight for the trees.
It is growing dark, and I have to get off the highway. I am pretty good with directions and so I take heading east. I am glad I work my Rockport hiking boots today. It is getting colder now, the sun is setting. I have great night eyes, and things are becoming crystal clear. The doctor will not catch up with me this time. I am a woman of the nineties, ready for any situation, any time.
After traveling on foot for many hours, I come upon a lit house in the woods.
Smoke is rising from the chimney. I make my way quietly and quickly to the cabin. I have to lean up on my toes to look in the window. There is a roaring fire in the fire place. The house looks inviting and safe. I make my way around the house looking in all the windows. There does not seem to be anyone about.
I try the door and it opens. I peep in the door and seeing no one still, I enter. There is a big pot of stew on the stove that smells wonderful. I call out but no one answers. I go in all the way and shut the door. I go to the stew, lift the lid and smell. I must have some. I am so hungry. I find a bowl, and help myself. It tastes like heaven and it fills me up, making me feel warm inside and sleepy on the outside. I wash my bowl and put it away. I begin looking around some more. I find a small bedroom with three twin size beds. I lay on the biggest, but it seems too hard. Then I lay on the middle size bed, but it seems to soft. I try out the smallest bed, and it feels just right. I pull the blanket up over me and I drift off into a peaceful slumber.
I awake to find a man on top of me. Feeling me. I look. Who is this man? none
i ask him why am i in the hospital and what exactly is he doing. He replied you my dear are not in the hospital but the insanity ward. maria pedron
"It was real...I swear everything is real. Can't you see me at all under my white jacket! I am all covered in fur! Look, look! It is all true, you are a demon...why does all of this crap happen I am tired of it!"
He grins jabbing a large needle into my arm, screaming I fall down onto the hard cold floor. Into a hole of a dark sleep full of grinning mushrooms, a large minotaur red as bood hovering above me flexing mustles. I hear him chuckle, in the rough voice I had heard many times.
"Finally my dear, I have you in my grasp. I knew that you running wouldn't last too long. Every year after the next, you died and returned. I knew who you were. One day I would get you."
Pulling the shaking furry creature into the strong muscled arms his face spreads into an evil grin. His stinking lips press on my muzzle, covering my face with hot slobber. Struggling I try to get away, but then slack...knowing it was useless. I hear the sounds of silver hooves clacking on the pebbled ground, and another beast like me..but male and a head covered with dappled red markings. Tossing about silver threads, a large ivory horn spirals from the horse-like head.
"If you know what is good for you demon, you will let this girl free!"
Ruth A V
"Speak not to me" the demon growled. "She is mine, I made her", "I have fought for her, I have experimented for her, I have created for her, you will never take her from me." And with those words he gave a shrieking whistle. The night clouds moved and racing from the stars came a black stallion. It eyes were red, and its mane was tangled with thorns. With great thunder, it came galloping to the old grizzled demon. The horse stopped at the demon's side. The demon howled with a horrible laugh, "not this time, mine enemy". The demon clutching the helpless girl, swung his leg over the huge beast. "Catch me if you think you can". The wind picked up, lighting broke across the sky. The horse began galloping and the wind picked the great beast up and away toward the moon they went. Tia
Upon reaching the moon, all was revealed, and after the incredible events of the previous day, it came as no surprise that the black stallion was none other than jeffery archer desperate for work. The demon politely refused a signed copy of 'Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less', and, feeling somewhat nonplussed, proceeded across the vast moonscape presented before him. The light gravity was something the demon was not used to, having come from the pits of hell where a normal man weighed three times what he would on earth, and so the demon skipped across the plains of barren, desolate rock, like a lamb in the spring. All the walls here sweated a strange grey mucus, and all the bulbs hung on bare wires from murky walls. Here was truly a place for writers lost within thier own imagination, and tourists of Hunter S. Thompson. jeffery archer abandoned his stallion's costume, and set up his old, battered, typewriter in the corner. A look of profound concentration erupted across his furrowed brow as he randomly stabbed at the keys with fingers as black as his soul. A solitary Overboger, one of the few creatures capable of eking out existence within the furrowed flesh of an author, moved his gardening implement sluggishly over the exalted forehead of our errant hero, unbreaking of his concentration, or indeed his concentricity. jeffery archer, having read the Naked Lunch, gently rubbed bug powder on the lips of his typewriter, hoping in vain for some flash of inspiration that would allow him to redeem his image and return to earth, but it was not to be. All that happened was his spacebar stopped working. No inspiration for our errant hero, no redemption he. Not even a solitary martinet would appear as a guide back to earth, the earth of his fathers, rich and verdant in mud and tree. jeffrey typed on regardless, ever living in hope of eventual redeem, and a new place in a world so fast it had already left him far, far behind.
The girl however, scared and bewildered by this vast swamp of rock, this airless epitomy of soulessness, wept gently in a corner, her dark hair shining in the light cast by the glare of Venus.
the weird depth master and scrawls naked
Even though, they could have added to this, the girl thought as she pondered the strange, deviant depths of her mind, addled by acid, heroin, the cold wind blowing up her too-short dress (as mentioned by top-cat). She knew another hit could solve it all, and reaching into both pockets her hands found two likely devices... she knew that one would be the dreaded horse-pill suppository, and the other could only be that spare cheeto she kept for hungry occaions. She had seen full well what a cheeto up the ass could do to a person already on the edge. scrawl naked and the weird depth master
Picking up the round thing in her hoof, she swallowed it down her throat. No loss to the world if it was the suppository. The beast laughed watching her, the male unicorn rubbed his head.
"Why in the hell did you do that for? I am not trying to harm you!"
She closed her eyes, her knees shaking and feeling queazy. A shooting star ran across the sky, and a stone hit her straight in the head..making a star mark on her forehead. Dazed...she stared at the sky the beast moved to grab her, but beat by the quick reflexes of the male. He dashed her off to safety, glad that it was the stale cheeto she ate. If it was the other thing he would be in deep doo-doo litterally.
Weirdo Rukey
The unicorn (horse?) left the road a few minutes ago. Now they'd dashes through some grassland fields and a few patches of trees, with no apparent destination or signs of slowing down, any time soon.
She started to rouse, finding herself slung clumsily and uncomfortably across the steed's back.
"Stay on my back! There's still a lot of ground to cover!", he commanded, drill sergeant style.
She tensed up, conscious of possibly falling off the unicorn(?) and hitting her head on a rock.
"You can go back to sleep if you'd like," he offered.
"No thanks."
"I like a pony ride" the girl said. "Then be quiet and enjoy" the evil doctor sneered. none
An ivory horn shot from her head, sticking the doctor right in the eye. The doctor, eye gorged out, flails his muscled red arms about, yowling. In a manner of moments, he is just a pile of red dust on the floor. The male unicorn pokes his head from hiding, smiles at her.
"I knew that you were specail when I saw you...what happened here will not be for the worst. Though this minotaur faded into the dust it will not be for shame. Follow me, my dear."
Scopping the red dirt from the ground..the unicorn male dusts the crimson on his head with it. She follows him carefully...not sure whether to trust this male for everything that has happened before. They stop at a glittering stream, that seems to sing songs that had played in her mind so many times before. He dips his forehead in the stream, burbling joyfully drinking. Lifting his head he rubs the mud covered spot agianst her head. Blinking she stares into his greenish eyes, not sure what is going on. Somehow she could never feel any safer with anyone else...
Safety has always been a big issue with her. She was often left at home alone when she was a child. Her whole life she has searched and searched for someone she could feel safe with. She yearned for her father who was always working. She yearned for her mother who was always out socializing. She yearned, yes she yearned for saftey. Following her heart, she lifts her head to the bright sun shine. She knows now that she will follow this male unicorn for a long time. Tea ciao
This flashed across the screen when she played her game, the e-mail adress of her beloved male.She is glad none of that stuff ever happened to her in real life. Some of the truths still didn't go away. Like the misterious dispearce of Jeremy...She had written to him, but as mysteriously as the gateway open, it closed. Her maibox was empty from any penpal letters.It was sad, June sat alone in her house since her mother had gone to the great beyond. Daddy never had any time for her little girl, too busy with his own life.
Too bad those sort of problems can't be solved with a swift poke in the eye. She had the guy she loved from a distance...still there is a hole in her heart that just can't be filled with fuzzy promises of meeting...
Her reverie was interrupted when she dropped her cigarette. Swearing, he dropped to the base of her chair to fetch it before it burnt the carpet.
She sighed and made another cursory search of the usual chat sites. Nothing.
If she had stayed down longer, she would have seen the crack opening at her feet.
The earth began moving under her feet, that was one downfall of living in the sunny state. Looking up, it seemed as if the sky was tumbing down. Pieces of the roof flaked from the ceiling. Plaster plonked right on top of her head.
Letting loose a word that would make a plant's ear turn red...the crack in the floor became more evident. She held onto her chair, struggling to keep out of the crevice. It was no use, the quake shook her right down into the hole.
Falling...falling...falling with no stop in sight.
This whole ordeal makes her think of Alice in wonderland...will a rabbit be at the other end or just a valley of sharp rocks that will gorge holes into her. The thought made her stomach turn.
All of a sudden, stoppage. Clearing the dust from her eyes, she noticed herself in midair, unmoving. While her life as she knew it collapsed down the gorge all around her. Her pictures, her TV, her car, her home. A piece of paper fluttered down, and landed squarely on her noggin. Curious at this, she grabbed it, and re-uttered the previously mentioned word. It was her home insurance bill, with a cancellation notice. As the gorge widened, more vehicles, more houses, more letters fell. Oddly enough, more and more people landed on the seemingly invisible plane of unfallingness that she was on. Then, the odd things really began. The sky WAS falling. Like a tub of bathwater, all the blues and whites in the sky drained into this crevassé in the earth, and the stars beyond our atmosphere all shone brightly. And more brightly. With continual rubble falling, more than should have been in California itself, she, and the hovering onlookers, saw a hundred thousand shooting stars, where the stars had been, all being drawn to this void of earth. It seemed that the heavens themselves were succumbing to this quake. Small orbs came closer too. Perhaps other planets..., NO!, she thought, this isn't real, impossible, NO *#%@* WAY! But it was. The stars zoomed by them, not heating them an iota, and fell beyond sight into the pit below. Asteroids, planets, both flew right by them, not touching them, just silently slipping into the darkness. With an overwhelming sound of stone rending, the gorge increased further, impossibly huge, but there it was. Gas giants swirled past them in the manner that the sky disappeared, but with far more color. As the gas giants of other galaxies combined into a multi-hued stream of seemingly pure color, a thin stream of pure light intertwined with it. She looked, and would have fainted, if not for the fear of falling if she lost consciousness, for the sun itself was yielding to a mere scratch in the earth's surface. The crack enlarged, and the oceans poured in. These did not miss these groups of disbelieving onlookers, and soon, her world was an infinite sphere of blue-green. Fish, boats, sharks, flew down, and yet again, swimmers were caught in the immaterial sieve suspending the lucky(?) survivors. Then, there was nothing except pure blue. No pressure, as there ought to have been from water, nor lack of oxygen. Just blue. Then what was left of the universe, these people, moe than could be counted, started dissappearing. Whatever used to be downwardly oriented dissappeared first. They vanished as if they were sand castles built too close to the beach at low tide, and now, for the first time in years, the tide rose. Looking down at what she expected to be half dissolved legs, she found nothing out of the ordinary with herself. Which turned out in her mind to be far out of the ordinary. Then, the pure blue of her new world, and even what she belived herself to be, drained away, and was replaced with darkness. Then, the headset was removed. PyroMaster007
After her eyes cleared from the explosion, she looked down at her legs again. She blinked her eyes, she put her hands on her legs. The fur was gone. She had been covered in gray and white fur. She could not remember for how long. But now, BUT NOW the fur was gone. She pulled up her shirt and felt her hair. She felt her face, it too was smooth. She jumped to her feet, and cheered wildly, jiggling up and down. "I am human", "I am human", she exclaimed. She went running outside into the bright sun shine, yelling at the top of her lungs "I AM HUMAN, I AM HUMAN". Down Karma Lane she ran with such glee, "I AM HUMAN"!
At the end of the lane lived a crooked old witch. She had lived there many years and this was her street. When she heard the yelling outside, she peeped out her curtain to see what was going on. "I don't believed I recognize her", she pondered deeply. "Where has she come from, has she not always been human", she thought some more. Turning quickly to her crystal ball, she sought the memory spirit. Come to me Ms. Memory, the old witch cooed. A dark gray cloud filled the crystal ball, and a light breeze blew from it. I am here, O dark one, Ms. Memory thought. "Who, yonder is human woman, where and what is she?" the old witch asked. The smoke churned and bubbled and the wind rustled in the trees.
Ms Memory, an old black crow sneezed from the fireplace, squaking.
"Memory! nevermore.." The old witch glared over at her, snapping her long clawlike fingernails together. She hates that stupid crows jokes...a banshee thinking she is funny by stealing little bits of information from a young girl. As that girl..Mary Bamboozle aged to an older girl the more bitter she became. Just wanted to make trouble, so maybe the old banshee crow would restore her memories. Now here she is an old crone alone...throwing a coal lump Mary muttered obsenties under her breath.The crow fluttered up the flue, croaking.
"Nevermore! Memory say, the girl is the unicorn! Nevermore..."
The woman grinned with stained yellow teeth looking to the cheering girl out of her window, A unicorn, how interesting and lucky for her...
Meanwhile, Tulip Dorsey typed fervently.
"No, it's not that we're not hot together," she spelled out, "but it's just that I don't think you know me. You see, I don't think this 'cyber' thing is working out, don't you see?
"Actually, if you're not willing to post to me at all, then I'm really not that much to you, am I?"
Tulip frowned. She dropped her cigarette onto the rug. Panicky, she scooped it up.
"I mean," she continued. "It's not like you can simply replace me with just any woman."
Tulip knew deep in her heart she was a special woman. No man (or woman) was going to treat her this way. She jumped up from her typewriter, paced back and forth, looked out the window. Who is Cyber Joe anyway?
She hated to admit it, but she loved the naughty things he wrote to her. He did not come online very often and she would spend hours prowling through the chat lines looking for him. Tulip felt confined, caged up. She was nervous and antsy. Come on please she thought, send me just a few sexy words, I have not got myself off all day.
Since meeting Joe on line 2 months ago, no regular sex had been enough for her.
She loved how Joe titillated her mind. She could spend hours rubbing her little bud, while cybering with Joe.
"Oh damn" she thought, "he has found another."
Bravely, Tulip sat down at her computer, naked from the waist down. "I will find someone just as good as Joe" she thought to herself. She went directly to Yahoo, changed her profile and nickname, and entered the adult chat.
She felt so wicked inside. Looking down the list of rooms she choose the hot incest room. "I think I will find a daddy today!"
Ater spending an hour in hot incest, she was bored again. Tulip decided to open her curtains and undress completely. She laid on the couch in front of the big window, and started masterbating. Public sex always turned her on so much. Soon a police car stopped in front of her house. A man in uniform, Tulip was delighted. Soon he knocked on her door. Not bothering to cover herself up, she bounced to the front door with only a big grin on her face.
The policeman shook his head and said, "Tulip the neighbors are complaining again." Tulip dropped her head and looked up through her long brown eyelashes, "wanna come in for a little while officer?"
Without a word he came in and slammed the door. He started unfastening his belt. I am going to have to spank you again Tulip. Lean over the back of the couch, and present your rump to me. With glee and delight Tulip layed her pretty little body across the couch. "What about closing the curtains, officer", Tulip asked. "Not today, Tulip, the whole world must know what a bad, bad girl you really are."
"Twenty lashes with a wet noodle!"
What the hey? Who's that? Should of known not to eat the berries on this bush. My stomach is killing me. Everything seems so different, with the little blue man in the bushes wearing a golden star on its forehead. That is where the policeman image came from. Groaning her knees buckled from under her.Hummmmmm....good thing this is made out of marshmellow hash. I wanna sleep now. Nice pillow..Snore snore snore.
The old witch hobbled out of the cottage, grinning. This was just way too easy. The girl must not be familar with this area. But if that is true, doesn't it mean she isn't a unicorn like Ms.Memory had said? The only unicorns left living hid in the grove of the grimm mushrooms. She poked at the sleeping girl. This new discovery may not be a unicorn, but still will be handy in her little plan.
The police man looked down at Tulip's red rosy butt, he just had to touch it. Oooo daddy, that hurts, Tulip said. none
The cop question citizen Tulip: "First, what's the point of coloring the end of this rifle rosy red. Second, you're under arrest for driving with a concealed weapon!. Put your hands behind your back!. NOW!!" none
Hiding her hands behind her back..the witch led the girl into an empty room. Bars were over the windows, and it was cold inside. I hate this bitterness, belong in the sunshine running into a feild of posies not in an empy room, the only light coming in from bars. Pounding on the large oak door, Tulips annonces to the world come out into her hands. The sharpness of her knuckles tore off chips from wood. Ouch nothing is worse than splinter on a manicured hand. She looks at the piece of wood wedged bettween two fingers. This is almost bag enough to be a toothpick but it doesn't hurt! Looking closer, her fingers seem to be hard as rock.
This is real life, I am not really a unicorn could this be happening? The berries must be giving me dislusions! Kicking the door in a karate move, her shoe rips off.
"Let me out of heeeeere!"
A crow rests in between the bars, swinting at her.
"Awk, Memory. Memory me..Remember you?"
She looks up to the crow...and sees strangely familar green eyes..

"Mom?" Diego
"Oh Mommy, I have missed you so" Tulip exclaimed. The crow blinked his little eyes and and cawked. "Mom is that really you?"
Cawwwwk, Cawwwwk!
The basement of the old witch's house was cold and damp. Tulip hugged herself and shivered. The unicorns were still prancing around outside the house. Tulip could hear them and wanted desperately to be with them.
"Mom, how can I escape this house, I must run with the unicorns."
Somewhere deep in those beady black eyes of the crow, Tulip imagined her mother was speaking to her.
Tulip had been locked in the basement of an old witch's house for several days now and she was cold and hungry and just a little delerious. A wild thing tied down is dangerous. Tulip was getting more desperate by the minute.
Suddenly the crow flew up and circled the room several times. It then flew straight into the wall. It hit with such a thud that the crow fell to the ground unconscious. Tulip shrieked.
The place where the crow hit was a loose board that fell to the ground also after the crow hit it. Tulip ran to the wall and peeped in the gaping hole.
It appeared to be a tunnel. Tulip pulled and yanked on the surrounding boards till she had enough pulled out so that she could crawl through the hole. Before doing so though, she picked up the unconscious crow and stuffed it in the top of her blouse. "Don't worry Mom, I am getting us both outta here."
The crawl space was small and Tulip had a hard time moving herself. Her clothes kept snagging on nails, wood splinters kept sticking in her delicate fingers. But she pushed on anyway.
After crawling for quite awhile she saw a little pen light about 20 feet in front of her. Cautiously she crawled to it and peered throught the little hole.
Freedom was on the other side! The unicorns were still there, waiting for her.
Tulip sat back on her bottom, and used her feet to kick open the wall. After some time she was able to kick away the boards. The sun was bright, the air was crisp and clean. Tulip took a deep breath, and patted the crow. "Now Mom we are safe."
The unicorns came and nuzzled Tulip and she pet them all. One of them lowered itself low enough so that Tulip could crawl on its back. Just as they were all taking off, the old witch in the house realized what was going on. Shrieking with anger the old witch screamed out a curse, Tulips Dorsey, plain girl from the plains, you are only human on a unicorn's back, when you are on the ground, your feet will turn to hoofs and a unicorn you will be, forever and forever."
The three unicorns were long out of hearing range when the old witch screamed these words.
Tulip hugged the unicorn's neck and fell asleep on its back as the unicorns raced through the night.
There is a place where all unicorns go. It is not heaven and it is not hell.
It does not exist in this world but it does exist. All unicorns can get there and this is where these three unicorns are going.
The unicorns ran all night and were tired and hungry, but they did not stop.
They could feel their kind close and the hearts of all unicorns were calling them, leading them through the night. As they drew closer, their hearts sang out in joy and they were surrounded by pure love.
Tulip awoke feeling these things in her heart. She knew she was going home.
Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she could see a golden city just beyond the purple, pink and gray clouds. She hugged the crow inside her shirt, "look Mom, we are nearly there."
Seething in pure anger, the old witch boils her brains for supper.
The girl got a way, and there is nothing the old witch can do. "I cursed her, I cursed her and I curse her again" the old witch rambled. Scratching her wicked head, she pulled out something crawling on her and ate it. I needed that girl I needed her so that I could regain my beauty. Her blood was pure and I needed it for my spell, thought the angry old witch.
Tea Cup
Tulip dashes off down the path, swerving around houses. Losing breath, she collaspes in a heap by a leafy old willow tree. Catching everything that had went on in the past few days, the veil between reality and fantasy rips into shreads.
"Maybe this whole thing is just a long dream that never ends...If that's the truth it must be a nightmare! I wish that I could get out, but..the excitement and danger of love keeps tempting me..."
Leaning her chin on one knee a tear begins to slip from her eye. It was the first truely real one that she had ever cried in her whole life. She had written about crying before in her chats, but never let it go in her real life.
What did it matter, what is the truth so fuzzy in her mind...
Where the teardrop fell, a silver flower grows....
she shuddered out of the momentary relapse and shook the cobwebs out of her head. maybe this is really what life is about. maybe love needs to find me after all. kachina
Dr Love is working late tonight. He has a long list of needy people who are waiting for love to find them. none
Dr. Love stared blankly into his computer screen, and then his head whipped down to the floor. He'd dropped his cigarette, it seems, and tore it rabidly off of the carpet where it left a definite burn mark.
He tried to attend to the chat room again, but the screensaver had kicked in and wouldn't relinquish the desktop. Crows were flying everywhere on it, a rain of feathers behind which he caught fleeting glimpses of the chat room.
The cleaning lady caught Dr Love asleep at his computer. He was mumbling something and his fingers were twitching. She emptied the trash and turned off the lights. As she was closing the door she thought she saw Dr Love slump over and fall out of his chair. She shrugged her shoulders and went on to the next office. none
His withered hand reached up for the swiveling chair. He was getting too old for this kind of nonsense, but still the inner teenager called to him like a moose moaning a wail into the wild. If only he could be someone who could kiss a girl with passion like he did in the chatrooms. All he had was a bunch of online teenyboppers after him. Sighing he noted into his online help service to a young girl named Tulip. Boy does she have a lot of problems, must of not had a very good father..
His glasses slipped onto the rug, he reached over to grab the specs noticing a growing crevice forming underneath him. This building isn't up to the san fransico code, better bring it up with the boss...
Before he could hook his glasses back over his ears, a shimmery light twinkled over him....sending him on a large twisting red slide...
"Ehh, what am I revisting shoots and ladders in my dream?"
A black crow circles, squawking..
"memory, this is no remember you"
In the forest, Mag dragged her body off of the mossed rock that held her.
She scraped the shoots and tubers out of her long fur. This gave her time to shake the grogginess out of her head, to reacquaint with the Wild Valley. Soon after waking, she realized, Mag should eat something. Maybe something sweet.
She started running in incomplete, fitful starts, and later dropped to her fours for more stability. Her thickened paws plowed through the Marlboros and leaves littering the forest's canopy.
There it was, a spicy cheeto the last thing in the world she would want to eat. Wrinkling her nose she picked the snack up in her hooves, her purplish tounge lolling from her mouth. A sharp crack startled her, the only morsel she had for days slipped down into a mucky puddle. Looking behind her, the old man that stood there had his mouth wide open. It reminded her of a fish that just got caught, flubbering with its mouth open.
"Stop staring you, It's rude! I can't help the way I look...Please sir, if you have any food on you. Would you share with me?"
He slowly neared the strange humaneqese unicorn girl, taking from his pocket a Whether's caramel cupped his hands holding the treat in the palms of his hand, the girl drew closer and sniffed. She looked up with large blue eyes, tilting her head to the side.
"Cyber Joe always gave me this sort of candy whenever I met him..."
Food? He searched his pockets. An old peppermint, wrapper half off. A mint-flavored toothpick. A chocolate coin. The shreds of cabbage from his Vietnamese soup. A dried jalapeno. The grease on his fingers was from his morning toast.

Would she lick the fat from his index finger and thumb? She didn't look like that kind of girl.

She wore a pair of bellbottoms from the sixties. She had embroidered hearts up the sides of the pants. The seams were hidden behind elaborate psychedelic designs. He remembered his last LSD trip. It was bad. For weeks, he couldn't sleep - whenever he closed his eyes, the dark panic, which appeared on that last bad trip, returned, threatening to upset his entire night once again.

"I have food at my house," he said.

"Do you have a computer?" she asked. "I want to check my email. I'm in the middle of something."

He nodded, though she couldn't tell if the nod was a yes or a no. So she went along for the adventure, trotting alongside his slow stroll. He picked up one foot at a time as if it were a weight. He dropped his left foot and then his right. Plop, plop, like a plodding horse.

He lived in a tree. The entrance was a hole in the trunk and he'd dug a tunnel through the trunk into the ground. She crawled in after him. They were surrounded by roots.

"Must you always be so short with your conversation?" she asked. He didn't say much.

"When you're planning a meal, silence is appropriate." He pulled down cans and fresh fruit off the earthly shelves.

"Do you like nutmeg?" he was holding a bag of brown spice in his left hand.

"Spice it up. Surprise me." She lay down on the cold earth and took off her chain belt. "Do you have a place I can hang this?" He hung the belt over the sink and threaded spaghetti through the holes. "This is al dente. Does that suit you?" She walked up to the hanging pasta and slurped a shred. "Not bad."
Slurping the long strands up between her lips, she poked her hooves over the hard dark floor as if searching for something. Dr. Love crowched low, staring at her lips fruity and fresh like peaches. If only...I was a few years younger. She tossed her golden locks over her shoulder, startling him. He almost bumped his head on the top of the tree.
"So..." the girl mumbled, as the strand of spaghetti hit her little button nose.
"How long have you been here?"
He really wasn't sure how to answer, one half of his mind told him that it has been hours ago..and another small part chirped it has been his whole life.
Meekly Dr.Love shrugged. She grinned seeming to have known his thoughts.
"Yeah, me too..."
Insisting on leaving on Tuesday Dr. Love bid his spaghetti nosed wanderer a silent but deafening prod
Del De Souza
"Please Dr Love, don't leave tonight!", Tulip insisted. I have a bad ache and Imust tell you about it. none
An old witch woman put me under a bad spell, and now I cannnot spell. I am losing my rational thoughts.
Tulip sniffles into a ragged tissue. Oh please, Dr Love you are my last hope, something is very wrong with me and I cannot figure it out.
Last night, I literally crawled up the wall and changed the light bulbs by hanging off the ceiling. I brought the cat inside and I slept outside by the door all night. Doctor, doctor please help me, something is very wrong with me.
The doctor scratches his baby soft chin, and ponders. "Unless your problem has to do with love, I cannot help you." Let me listen to your heart, Tulip. The doctor pulls out his stethescope, and taps it with his fingers. Yep it is working just fine.
Tulip leaned foreward, the ivory horn pressed on his chest. Blinking her large blue eyes, she slowly bent over backwards. Dr. Love rubbed his hand on his shirt, smoothing the wrinkles down. His lips wrinkled up into a smile.
"Don't worry, it didn't hurt at all!"
Her horn glowed a soft green, a large bubble floated out around the doctor humming a soft song of youth and love. Tulip laughed, spearing at the bubble with her horn. It flitted about escaping the sharp end somehow...
Tulip has been hurt many times. none
But never moreso than when her petals were piqued rather than plucked. jerry
Dr. Love's computer went dead. It would never fire up again. Diego
Dr Love would have to learn a new way to communicate. He would actually have to go out and meet people in person and use real talking words to communicate.
Abject horror, Dr Love was out of his mind.
In a rush of clear thought Dr Love ran out of the house and jumped in his jeep. Gunning the engine he tore out of the drive way in a mad rush. Just as he was driving away, he caught a glimpse of a unicorn standing by his bedroom window.
Dr Love rushed to a computer store near his house. Just his good luck, the store was having a computer sale today. Dr Love skipped through the store, picking out all his favorite choices. At the check out counter, the clerk rang up his purchases and Dr Love handed over his VISA card. Dr Love was whistling a happy tune and rocking on his feet. The clerk turned and said, I am sorry sir, you do not have enough funds in your account to cover these purchases.
Terror struck Dr Love. In a panicky state Dr Love pulled out his wallet and pulled out all his credit cards. "Just pick one" Dr Love said, "In fact use them all". The clerk told him it would take just a few minutes to get this all straightened out.
Now Dr Love was just a little put out. Some of his joy over getting a new computer was wearing off. After about 30 minutes Dr Love was able to take home his new computer equipment.
When he arrived home, he started unpacking everything. Dr Love noticed that someone had been eating in his kitchen. Food was everywhere. Crumbs on the floor, table, and cabinets. Glasses were turned over, the water was still running. The refrigerator door was ajar. Dr Love waa a little annoyed but not really bothered. After awhile Dr Love heard a noise coming from his bathroom.
When he went to investigate, he found a large white unicorn standing in his bathtub with the shower running.
The unicorn shrieked in horror at Dr. Love's appalling breach of privacy. "How dare you, you frothy, mewling flapdragon!" Dr. Love, his blood freezing and his brain melting, fell utterly prostrate on the green tile floor. The unicorn finished its shower and took Dr. Love to the refrigerator, where it proceeded to pour ice down his soaked, oxford button-down. Dr. Love woke up with a start, stared into the unicorn's deep hazel eyes, and realized he was in love. Corey
"My god you are breathtaking", whispered Dr. Love from the cold surface of the tile floor. "I had never realized in all this time we have been working together what a truly facinating and beautiful creature you are. I fear I have finally fallen under your enchantment." Dr. Love's gaze never waivered from the hazel green eyes of the unicorn as he struggled to get up off the floor. Ice cubes tinkled to the floor with tiny plinking sounds as he stood up. After several moments of silence the unicorn finally spoke.

"I'm gay", said the unicorn and walked slowly to the couch.
Unicorns don't have a lot of preferences, there are not many of us left, the unicorn kindly spoke. Well we are not really sexual at all. What is it that you want Dr Love? I thought your house was a safe haven, that is why I came here. If I have to have sex with you then I must leave now. I will never come back. Is this what you want Dr Love? none
Unicorns don't have a lot of preferences, there are not many of us left, the unicorn kindly spoke. Well we are not really sexual at all. What is it that you want Dr Love? I thought your house was a safe haven, that is why I came here. If I have to have sex with you then I must leave now. I will never come back. Is this what you want Dr Love? none
Dr Love scratched his stubbled chin and thought for a moment. "Why no, Tulip, no don't leave. I was just temporarily insane, it has passed now. Please stay and tell me another unicorn story." Diane
Dr Love scratched his stubbled chin and thought for a moment. "Why no, Tulip, no don't leave. I was just temporarily insane, it has passed now. Please stay and tell me another unicorn story." Diane
Tulip kissed his cheek gently.
"Sweetie, I would love to sit and chat with you. But...the thought of me cooped up here with a grizzly old man isn't my idea of fun. I know it is probably safer with you than out there. I just hope to find something that I lost...and that is definetly not you! Just a teensy bit older than me ya know, nothing personal."
He sighed, and looked up at her large blue eyes. What is the use of going on with this life, his desires of young lovely women are all rusty. He isn't a rich man. maybe a bit of money would change their minds. Raising his hand, he thrust his wrist on the spiraled horn. Red drops of life gushed out. Tulip screamed bending over him, she couldn't let him die!
He breathed sharply and rasp, all the while somehow drowning out Tulip's chant of "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus . . ." His eyelids squeezed his field of vision into a narrow, cynical tunnel.
The spray of his wrist stopped hitting her, and now trickled meekly down his own body. The floor was perfect and intact, he'd noticed, and the blood simply pooled around with nowhere to go.
Tulip was still screaming.
"Dr. Love"--Jeremy Crink--gathered up his weathered grin into a last position before freezing, a stout chuckle fixing beneath a mess of whiskers.
Dr Love is dead. Tulip stood horrified over the doctor's lifeless body.
Tears welled up in large blue eyes. Without looking back she kicked down Dr Love's door and went out into the night. The air was crisp and cold and it felt good to Tulip. She began running down the street. Her long thin legs moving faster and faster. Wind whipped past her face, drying her tears. She ran and she ran. The moon traveled across the night sky and still Tulip ran.
"I cause everyone I care about to suffer pain" she thought to herself. Now I have killed a dear old man. Tulip ran harder.
Hours later, the sun crests the horizon and Tulip finds herself in a forest dense with trees. She can no longer run and she is very tired. She trips over some limbs and decides to lay down right where she is. Sleep overtakes the tired unicorn. Deeper and deeper into the land of dreams, Tulip falls. The sun rises, birds sing, the world comes back alive. Still Tulip dreams.
She woke to a warm breeze drifting over her body, leaning her head on her knees she wished that this whole thing had never begun. The strange scent of rotting meat passed her mind...the only thing that she could think about was death. Those men didn't deserve the fate, she is the one who should have a grisly death. Tilting her neck to the sun, she noticed a large black cloud covering it.
That is seems to be moving lower. A storm must be brewing. Little does Tulip know that this is nothing like she ever experienced...
The wind picked up and the autumn leaves began to rustle and swirl. Suddenly Tulip found herself floating with them, tossed on the breeze like so many specks of dust. Where was she? She couldn't tell, all the colors were merging and coalescing into and around her semi-consciousness. A light at the end of the tunnel? Corey
Somewhere along the way, a single white dove flew past her ear.
She was able to step outside the situation, in a manner of speaking, concerning what her next thought was. She noted, ironically, that she didn't necessarily question the presence of a dove in this "afterlife", or what this "afterlife" was, or even what she should do next. No, the thought that popped into her mind--and she kicked herself for thinking it--was "Oh . . . that's certainly not a crow, is it!"
She floated further down the tunnel.
atthe speed of light , wondering if she were going to smash into an eternal void.
help me God she cried and all of a sudden she found herself in a large pool of silver foam . that smellled like Happy perfume.
Oh where am i? and she heard a voice say
You have entered where no woman has dared to enter before
you are in the secreet factory where Happy perfume is made....
Happy perfume? From what place does come this Happy perfume? Oft I've heard tell, yet never have I experienced. Al Hijuelos
Happy perfume? From what place does come this Happy perfume? Oft I've heard tell, yet never have I experienced. Al
Happy Perfume is the name of the oldest unicorn living in the village.
Happy has been around so long that no one actually knows how old he is.
He has sired many young unicorns and nearly all are related to him. So you can see just how important Happy is to us.
The Happy Perfume experience is next to none. If you are lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him, you will be very blessed. Not very many humans have ever seen him. You must be very true of heart, innocent and brave. You cannot keep animals in cages and beat little kids. The unicorns can see inside human hearts.
One of the most interesting facts about Happy is his unique oder. Many have commented that he smells like perfume, which is how he got his name.
Happy's mother was a unicorn but his father was a powerful wizard from the Dawn Days. It has often been believed that because of this unusal pairing that Happy received his oder. What is interesting to note is that in the beginning unicorns were both human and animal. Not many humans can accept this fact so it has been forgotten and lost.
Sometimes a human is really a unicorn. They keep switching back and forth and the human thinks he is going crazy or something is very wrong with him. However a human switching to a unicorn is a very special being and is in the true lineage of Happy Perfume.
When Tulip fell into a pool of Happy Perfume she was actually falling into the arms of her ancient ancestors. Tulip is where she is supposed to be. She is now finding out who she really is and what a wonderful life she has been given.
All the unicorns in the village are anxiously awaiting her re emergence from the Happy Pool. She will not be haunted anymore.
Happy has informed me that I cannot spell odor. I wish to humbly apologize for my error. Since his odor is so important to him, it is only fitting that it be spelled right. Carly
Tulip looked around the sea of unicorns, they smiled and nodded. Her mind buzzed with greetings from the mystical beasts. Happy Perfume lifted his swirled silver, gold, and ivory horn parting the sea. A clearing of colorful stones was revealed...It seemed to be a ruins of an ancient cuty that had been at the bottom of this watery dwelling for many years.
A wave swept her onto the sandy ground, Happy's hooves dug into the pile of littered stones his noble head tilted up to the sky. Lifting one arm, Tulip amazed as the group of unicorns started to chorus a tune.
Lowering the white shaggy head, she could see a crimson mark near his horn. His voice rumbled the water washed pebbles by her feet.
"Greetings lost sister, welcome back to where you belong. You have defeated the minotaur that has plagued us for thousands of years. Now you have earned your rightful place by my side. Now, the group gathered in the waves. Perk your ears for the praise of my lost sister. Her given name Tulip...her true unicorn name..."
It sounded like the flap of wings, large wings. It interupted Happy's words. Everyone looked up and gasped, diving beneath the waves. Happy's eyes narrowed, turning a wild shade of pink. He looked about to dart away, but Tulip knew that she had to fight once more...
She fisted at the wind as it lashed across her narrow long sad angel face. Tears flourished down and about her bare shivering body. She fell limp and knew no one could save her. As the beasts hoove fell to the ground about her. She was now none. Lyndsey

Yulip's phone rang tinnily in her apartment. Who finally answered the phone, however, was a complete surprise to the party involved.
The message on the answering machine said, "Tulip, dear, this is Doc. You missed your appointment this afternoon and you will need to call in and reschedule. I hope everything is fine. Have you been remembering to take your Lithium? I talked to your sister this morning and she is very concerned about you. Gotta go, give me a ring later."
Tulip rolled over in her bed just as Doc was finishing his message. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she pushed back the covers and stumbled out of bed.
These dreams, thought Tulip, these dreams, every night I am a unicorn. Every night I battle demons, dragons, devils and wraiths.
After finishing up in the bathroom, Tulip spots her bottle of Lithium on the cabinet. Looking at the bottle she shakes her head...could it be these pills?
She had been taking the pills every night just like she was supposed to, they are supposed to stop hullisinations not make them. Dumping the pills down the sink, she runs the water over them watching them melt. What is the use, taking this won't stop bad things from happening...or bring her mother back to life.
Tulip curled up in her window, staring out at the city night. It was like every emotion was sucked dry. Looking up at the full silvery moon, she pressed her hand on the window wishing there was some way to free her of this pain stirring inside her heart. No matter how many times she was held by a man, she never felt any real love.
"This thing they call love is fake. Nobody ever loved me, no one ever will...I never want to see any doctor who thinks he knows what is wrong with me. But what to do...Men are everywhere. Somebody will find me, and I will go through this whole ordel agian."
Sighing she pressed her cheek on the cold window...wondering...
This happened every time, too... Something in her required the inverse drama embodied by destroying what she most needed... No sooner had the last tablet gone down the crapper than she'd being racing hysterically around the house, overturning purses and day-bags, making chaos of medicine-chests... But to no avail. She was too thorough to be able to fool herself that way. And so yet again some sleeping dealer would be torn brutally from the candyfloss of his dreams by the shrill yip of the telephone, and the last voice in the world he wanted to hear would assault his ear with demands for Valium, Xanax, Rohipnol, and synthetic Mescaline caplets. Ivan Mufti
At last she found it. Way behind the dresser in the farthest corner, covered with lint and dust. She found it.
She had felt her mind slipping. slipping way to fast. Now she took a long deep breath and sighed falling back down on her goose feather bed. It was like drifting through the clouds.
Holding her treasure in front of her tired red eyes, a little tear ran down her cheek.
She knew he was on his way for her and now she knew she was safe.
Clutching the small diary with the key tied on a long velvet string, she dangled her feet off the bed. It was almost like yesterday when he gave it to her. She remembered it clearly. It was her birthday, she invited him but really didn't expect him to attend. Everyone was scared of her father. Some strange rumors were going around. Like he had killed her mother. She knew it wasn't true, that her mother was a small frail thing that ran off into the the forest. Her mother had loved her father so strongly it made her frightened. At least that is what he had told her. Her house was peticauly emtpy on the day that was supposed to bring her joy.
A small boy with red hair and dimples opened her front door, making the familar squeeak throughout her home. He smiled shyly and handed Tulip a small gift wrapped in gold paper. Father stomped into the room, her hands rough and covered in ooze grinning grimly at Tulip and the boy. The boy grabbed her hand, and pulled her from the house. The last thing she remembered was the sound of her fathers yelling, and the feeling of young lips pressing her cheek.
"Someday you will know of the truth, you will be free. Confusion may flood your mind...but you will find my gift grasp the key and I will return to save you from the lies..."
Everything was just blackness after that.
"Today is my birthday" said the little red haired boy as he dragged Tulip down the country road. She was more heavy than he first thought. As he sweated and grunted the little red haired boy thought this woman is more burden than anything. She can save herself from our fathers. The little red haired boy dropped Tulip in a muddy puddle and skipped away. Tamara
Tulip spit water out her nose as she groggily awoke. I have lost my treasure.
Struggling to her feet, she slipped on the slimy moss underneath her. Seems like now she was at a swamp. Picking a up a large stick she threw it into the swampy marsh, yelling nonsense on the top of her voice.
"Oh sweet mother! Ketchup spread on my father's hands. I knew it was blood, I always knew it! Lived a lie for so long I don't know the difference from the truth and lies anymore!Take me with you, let me escape!"
Her eyes seemed to glow with fire from anger. Everything seemed to pummel into darkness. Every sound in the forest muted but one...a distance bark of a dog.
The barking came closer and closer. none
so i ran like hell. none
Running through the briar, over hill, over dale, I ran as fast as my legs would move. none
Unfortunately, I tripped over the insidious protrusion of an old dead log and fell flat on face and knocked myself unconscious. When I came to I found I had bitten quite through my lower lip, which was swollen and painful, a swamp of half-dried black blood, but that also, as if in counterweight, my supine position on the ground afforded me a heretofore-inconceivable vantage point from which to view, up close as it were, the hurry-scurry workaday world of those ever-industrious citizens of the insect kingdom -- the army ants! Philip Welsh
Just what you want when you are laying prone on the ground, is an any scurrying on the inside of your nostril. Snuffling, wiggling up to her feet she howls noticing one of her toes is just only a bone now. I could really use some raid right now, she thought wrapping a leaf around her toe.
Tulip limped over to a tree covered in sap that no ants was near and settled down. Peeking behind one of the trees was a wild fire sprouting from the trunk of one of the trees. Just what I need a fire. Upon futher inspection she notices it is notr fire..but a wild tangled mess of hair of someone sitting behind the tree.
A red headed Irish lass and rather tispy to. Dressed in green stockings
with a tunic to match she was alive and a very fine catch. Her gentleman
friend is sitting close by and I wondered " what are they doing here and why? "
Giggling the girl stumbled over.
"Be' gore! Tis a young lady that has been in a spell. Hard on luck I can see by that little wrinkle on 'er cheek. Seh is such a sweet 'umpling. Almost could whip her up in me stew and have a nice Irish dinner! Gawds be' gore! Glory to the fairys iffen me isn't a witch. 'ucky for her eh Be'gore? Ah child don't frown so, just trying to spread a little cheer eh? Me isn't gonna ets you.."
Bending over the womans hazel's eyes searched over Tulip, and she rested on wrinkled finger on her head.
"Me goodness thee mark Be'gore!"
The man behind the tree grumbled and tossed a pinecone at the woman.
"Be quite woman, you could wake the dead with all that racket."
She shook her fist at her husband, pointing to the mark on Tulip's head madly Ruth ^
Neither of them noticed the mark on her head was spreading. Slowly, but spreading, and seemingly trying to form some shape. Diego
It was the shape of the Star of David. Each passing minute brought it more into focus. She wore the Star of David on her forhead. We all knew she was special. none
She had always had a problem that way -- each season brought about some newer, more manic method of drawing undue attention to her Jewishness. The plastic nose-extension, the studied Long Island nasals supplanting her natural Texas drawl almost overnight, the constant references to her grandmother's matzoh-ball soup and homemade gefilte fish -- and now this, oy vey, the Star of David on her forehead -- all served to draw attention not to the natural spectrum of her character, but to a a cliche of Judaism which became more strained, sharp-cornered and grotesque by the day. Her friends would gather in estrogen klatches behind her back, wringing their hands and slapping their foreheads with cries of "Good grief, Charlie Brown!" as they discussed some latest developement in her pernicious Judeomania. Ivan Mufti
In the unicorn village Tulip was scorned. The other unicorns all turned away from her. It was not good to have such a symbol on one's face. They had serious doubts that it was like a birthmark that only appeared at certain times of the year.
Happy suggested she go back home to the farm for awhile. He also suggested she stay inside for the coming Yule season. In both the human and unicorn world Tulip was a freak.
The leprecaun miss invited her to her home, it is under a green mossy rock. Tulip nodded, not much of a choice of where to go. Be' Gore grumbled a spiky pinecone clenched in his fist.
"Oh me little woman, me don't believe you are letting that vagabond sleep in our home! She will be all cramped, and you know it will make our house smell. Her eyes lookin' a bit beady to me old eyes. She'll be looking fur our gold! She's no good, what am I jabberin't bout..Me see you is hooked like a mother figure..Aye..Me' Polit..mite as well go down before the fight. Me knows that once you got that look in your eys you'll neber back done!"
Me' Polit jumped in her greenish brown skirt, lace flouncing over her knees. She grinned wide, her chubby face dimpling as she grabbed at Tulip's cheeks. Tulip could almost feel the joy raditate from her. Her lip flopped down a bit, thinking of having to live with a hyper leprecaun with an accent she can hardly understand.
"Oh Be' Gore, I know she will be just like thee childe we neber had!"
Gazing into the toothy grin of Oh Be'Gore, Tulip danced merrily around the room.
Tulip at last flopped down on the comfy sofa and put her feet on the coffee table. "What a life" thought the bonny lass.
"Bliss", she thought, and let Be'Gore's midget servants bring her tea. "What a charmed life I lead. I should shoot myself before I'd ever give this up." Diego!
Tulip was twisting her hair with her finger, and smelling the good odors of be'Gore's cooking. "I am glad I came here", Tulip thought. She got up off the couch and peeked into the kitchen. Water was boiling, chicken was roasting, be'Gore was busy at cooking. "She is just like a mother", Tulip whispered.
Feeling all warm inside, Tulip decides to take a shower.
Scrubbing in the warm shower all of her pain (well almost all) seemed to go down the drain. Singing she wrapped a green towel around herself. She laid down across the bed resting a bit before dinner was finished. Mi' Petit creeped quietly into the room, tucked a green blanket under Tulip's chin and grinned.
"Aye...ain't she sweet while sleepin'? What this?"
The maiden brushed back the girl's hair, finding that it had turned to a bright flame red.
"Me gosh, this girl is more than she looks!"
Creeping away, the maiden grabs an ancient book off the shelf of her extensive libary.
The book has no title. She opens it and inside there is strange writing that the girl cannot comprehend. She takes it over to the bed with her. She thumbs through the pages and notices that some of the letters seem to be changing shapes. The more she looks the more she is sure the red letters are changing in front of her eyes. none
Hypnotised, she watches the letters filp around. L-e-g-e-n...faster and faster they move, and a voice starts to chime inside her head. It is high, and somehow familar. But it isn't just that freaking her out,as much as the story told to her.
"Legends say that at the dawn of time, the first unicorn sprung up from a pool of silver. It is something HE wasn't planning, but it was good. Creating a mate for the creature, they retreated back into the garden and hid within the lust fruits and ate. Most of the kind stayed there until the minotaur came and chased them away out of hatred of beauty and goodness. Most unicorns were corrupted by evil, doomed to bob in the endless sea never to be seen by human eyes agian. Some unicorns became still in the garden, everchanging to never be found by the evil one. In the future a child will be born of human nature, become the true form she was meant to be. She will lead them back to the garden humans had been searching for so long..."
and the horns of the unicorn will be of pure gold, so that the forthcoming master will know that it has not been tarnished, adn all the schizophrenic minds of the old wise mwn shall be as dust, for death, is only the beginning..... imhotep
Meanwhile back in the jungle, all the animals were nervous waiting for the arrival of Happy, the eldest unicorn. All week the animals had been preparing. menowith
Unfortunately, Happy was a very elderly unicorn. His slow, endless plodding across the eastern steppes kept all the other animals in a state of excruciating boredom as they waited for him. Thankfully for this sorely tried parliament of beasts, however, a pair of hunters mistook Happy for a roving rhinoceros and shot the elderly unicorn dead. When they arrived at the fallen body and realized their mistake, they cursed it with many foul oaths. Bob kicked the body repeatedly while Jed unsheathed an ancient Army-issue machete and hacked Happy's horn off. Above, the vultures were already circling. A tiny bubble of red formed in the corner of Happy's upstaring eye like a tear of blood -- and then the light faded from that luminous orb and was gone forever.

Meanwhile, Emma came in from the rain. "I'm absolutely soaked," she said. "Can I borrow some of your wife's clothes to change into? I'm pretty sure we're the same size..." I stabbed out my 107th cigarette of the evening and gestured towards the bedroom.
As Emma walked into the bedroom, I had to ask myself, 'Who is Emma?'. I shrugged my shoulders and lit another cig. I heard the womna rattling around in the bedroom and wondered if I should peek in. After a few more minutes I got up and pushed open the bedroom door. The woman had on my wife's best satin pajamas and my wife's mink coat. She looked up at me and said, "See I told ya, we are both the same size." I told her she could not go off in those pajamas and coat. The woman called Emma just stood there and smiled. Finally she said, "Can I have one of those cigarettes? I haven't had a smoke all day."
"Sure" I said and gave her one. We stood there awhile and smoked our cigarettes. I said "Hey how about a beer?" She said "Great I would love one."
So then we stood there some more and drank our beer and smoked our cigarettes.
Meanwhile back in the jungle, the unicorns were circling the giraffes.
Cary Giraffe tried to steal one of the unicorns pretty crystal necklaces.
You know how all the unicorns stick together. You pick a fight with one and you got the whole bunch on your hands. So the unicorns were surrounding a gang of giraffes. Mostly it was the young giraffes, the cocky ones.
One young giraffe pulled out a blade and all the unicorns hunched in real close together and started charging in on the giraffes. There was a lot of hollering, and pushing, and kicking. Suddenly there was a loud roar behind the unicorns. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look. It was Simba, king of the jungle. He had an angry look on his face. He began to approach the group of angry unicorns and giraffes. Cary said "Hey guys, it is time to split." There was some agreement, and all took off at once. Pushing past the unicorns and running away at a fast pace. The unicorns stayed their ground.
Simba roared "You unicorns leave my jungle now."
The unicorns all packed their bags and left the jungle that very afternoon.
Some of the giraffes left too. Cary Giraffe, a very cocky giraffe, made his way back to the cabin. When he opened the door and went in he saw the man and Emma smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. The woman was wearing red pajamas and a mink coat. The man was wearing dirty boxer shorts and grungy gray socks. He also had not shaved in a few days and had a odor about him.
They seemed pretty happy though and Cary asked for a beer and a cigarette.
Cary lit his cigarette and took a long slow drag. "Boy this is good." They don't have any cigarettes in the jungle. With that he turned up his bottle of beer and drained it dry. The man told Cary he would have to go out and buy more beer and cigarettes. Cary said "OK."
A little while later Cary came back with a carton of Marlboros and two cases of Heineken beer in bottles. They all sat down on the couch and popped open a beer and all lit another cigarette. For 12 hours straight, Emma, Cary and the man drank beer and smoked.
Then they all passed out.
Slowly the sun peeks up over the horizon, and light filters in though the curtain. Cary, the giraffe is laying on the floor sound to sleep. Since he has such a long neck, it is really only the most comfortable place. Emma, the girl in the red pajamas is asleep on the couch, and the man in the dirty boxer shorts is passed out in the recliner chair. All is quiet in the cabin.
There comes a heavy knock on the door and Cary jumps up. He doesn't know where he is and he bumps into furniture knocking down lamps and tables. All the commotion wakes up Emma. The man sleeps on. Again there is a heavy knock on the door. Both Emma and Cary look at each other. Cary goes to the door and opens it. On the other side is this big white unicorn with a blood red horn. His eyes are rimmed in red and he looks like he has been crying. "Damn you, Cary, I have been looking for you all night", the unicorn spoke. "Gee, Happy the last time I saw you, you were trying to kill me! I had to run away," spoke Cary.
"Come one in and take a load off your feet, Happy", Cary said. The unicorn came in the cabin with his head hanging down low. "Come over here and sit on the couch" Cary spoke. After they were all seated, Cary asked if anyone wanted a cigarette. All nodded. Cary gave them all one and they all lit up.
As they sat and enjoyed their smoke, the man in the chair stirred. He was scratching himself in the crotch, and snorting. Without opening his eyes, he stumbled into the bathroom.
The group on the couch stared at him. Happy wanted to know who he was. Cary said, "the guy never told us his name. But he sure does like to drink beer and smoke cigarettes."
After they finished their smokes, Cary said there were a few beers left and did everyone want one. Emma quickly said yes but Happy refused. Happy said he had a problem with drinking alcohol. He liked it alright but it made him crazy and often he did not remember what he did the next day. Cary said "Aw Happy it is just a beer, come on just one." Happy reluctantly took a beer and took a swig.
When the man finished in the bathroom, he came out to find all three on the couch talking merrily and sipping beers. The man was still scratching himself and he belched as he plopped down in the chair. Gruffily the man said "Where's mine?" Cary said "I got it right here partner." The man grabbed the beer and tossed in down in one gulp. "Feeling about normal now" the man said.
"Anyone for a cigarette?" Cary asked. Everybody wanted one. So the group drank and smoked for a long time.
After awhile another knock came on the door. This time it was a woman who called herself Tulip. She came in with her hands on her hips. "Happy, what are you doing" she asked. Happy looked up with goofy look, and said "I am here and waiting on you honey, sit down and have a beer and a smoke. Everything will look better after a good smoke dear."
Tulip sat on the floor as the couch was loaded and there were no other empty chairs. "I don't smoke" said Tulip. "Aw honey, just try one, be a part of the group. You always want to be the different one, you always want to be the one with the problem. Just once Tulip, be a regular girl, be a part of a group instead of the star problem child", Happy said.
This kind of pissed Tulip off and she would not even try a cigarette.
Tulip marched out the door, so very angry. Urrggh I am supposed to be some destiny girl and he treats me like a little kind. I am getting freaking tired of this crap. She reached in her pocket and grabbed an extra Whether's carmel and sucked on it, trying to calm down her nerves. A crunch crunch of feet was heard behind me, she turned around and yelled at the top of her voice.
"Happy! I am not going to be a part of your stupid group. Tired of you...weirdos treating me like I am the queen of the freaks! I'm not any more..."
She blinked through her tears as she noticed Cary the giraffe looming rocking his knees shakily on the floor. Tulip stroked her hand on one of them, shivering feeling so terrible she threw up on his hooves.
"Oh my god...I am so sorry..I thought..."
Cary leaned down brushing his long neck on her side, speaking in a low and kinda dumb sounding voice.
"Don't cry, I know how it is to be teased. I never liked those guys, always thinking that they are like the greatest creatures in this world. In all my life I have never seen anyone who was like me. I don't think I ever will. I would say you are lucky to have a family..but most unicorns I met are jerks. Um...I think I am messing up here but..would you let me follow you?"
Tulip nodded, even though she wasn't sure where she was going, it would be nice to have somebody around who understood.
... but little did she know that no one really understood her - and she had no clue where she was going. Shit! is this living or what? - no it aint, and it aint surviving either.
That was i, enough was enough, she took the flame-thrower out of the cupboard, lit it with the end of her 2 dollar cigar, gobbed flem on the carpet, and toasted that goddamn giraffe. "No sirree - you aint gonna mess with my mind again, you little bastard"
Mr Crunchy
"Burma!" none
"Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave" came the echo from across the great yawning canyon.
"Bur-ma!" he yelled again.
"Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave" came once more the puzzling echo.
"I don't get it." He scratched his head in a manner not unlike that of Leatherface's little brother with the metal plate in his skull in Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. "I say 'Burma,' and it says 'Shave' -- Burma Shave. What the holy hottentot is that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Ivan Mufti, back once again in holy matrimonial bliss, pausing here briefly while explaining to the interior decorators what needs to be done with my husband's dreary livingroom A head peeked out from behind the thick wall of trees, it was a sweet face of a young giraffe madien. She looked different from the one she just torched with the lighter. He was black with orange spots, but she was orange with brown spots like a giraffe is supposed to look like.
"Oh, your not Burma...You look so much like her and with the same attitude too! You didn't have to do that to poor Cory, he just wanted to be your friend...I see the look in your eyes that men have been plauging you like a blood sucking leech stuck to your leg! But my poor dear adopted brother...he couldn't do anything to a girl if he tried. He was too stupid to know what a girl is! Wait maybe it isn't too late...fur a little singed. Mamma's secret recipe helps every time. Poor Cory he gets in so much trouble."
The female girafee picked out a bottle from a bag strapped over her back, and smeared it over the crispy Cory with one hoof. He struggles up, gives one glance at Tulip and screams bloody murder...then he turns his neck to the side and looks at the female seeming to calm down...
Meanwhile--and unbeknownst to Tulip (thrilling!)--Dr. Love's computer woke up in an elephant's graveyard (haunting!).
The monitor flared on (symbolic!) and it took in its surroundings. Vultures and lions have picked this spotlessly clean long ago (grisly!), although the computer's cords being hopelessly entangled amongst collapsed, jumbled ribcages indicated that it should have been here quite a bit, itself (perplexing!)
The computer remembered that it was supposed to be dead (mysterious! anthropomorphic!) and that it really couldn't fathom if it was plugged in, or what.
More elephants were coming, it seems. And they certainly didn't look well on their feet. (Euphemized!)
All the elephants coming up the road are the same elephants that came from the jungle. none
All were present at the giraffe and unicorn fight two days ago. The elephants left the jungle the next day. They traveled up the coast and across the mountains. One by one after a long night's journey arrived in the clearing close to the cabin.
Cary Giraffe was outside in the night air smoking a Marlboro and spotted the elephants. He took Tulip's arm, and they both strolled up to meet them. They were exhausted from traveling all night. The first elephant raised his trunk in greeting.
Only to have it shot off by the great white hunter. none
The Great White Hunter was very proud of himself. He shot the elephant again to make sure that it was dead. All the other animals fled the scene. The Hunter led his entourage to the carcass of the feld beast. Bobo, one of the trail guides, handed the Hunter a cocktail. The Hunter put one foot on the dead elephant's neck and held up his cocktail in a toast. Bobo snapped a picture. They all congratulated the Great White Hunter and then they moved on, seeking out their next kill. cuddles
Grinning the hunted stepped near a strange fungus, he looked down to his large dirt encrusted boot. He laughed reminded of those little room deordizers, and poked a dirty fingernail at it. His mind was saying something looks too perfect about this mushroom. He pulled at the stem and hit the dirt from it.
The hole that was left seemed to be growing ever larger. The great white hunter passed it off as a delusion from hunting so late. Pocketing the orange and green specked plant, he got up to his feet to join his party.
He never made it back...
Holy crap! it was a thesaurus. not a dictionary. a thesaurus. ehhhhh . thesaurus' aren't cool. ehhh. Noname
"Achoo, achoo, achoo" sneezed the Thesaurus, "Gee these books are dusty." Ww
In the nether world, things are different. The Great Hunter was now a Thesaurs.
He did not know what he was except his nose itched a lot.
He found himself looking through large stacks of books. He was looking for something in particular. He could not quite name it, but he would know it if he saw it. After awhile, he found it. It was a hunting book, and he opened the book up to a picture of his former self, holding a deer hunter rifle and standing over a dead elephant. "Yes, yes this is it," the man said.
And that was all he ever thought again. The Thesaurus who was once a man siezed to exist. He folded in on himself and poof he was gone.
...only not exactly. Thesauri are bound to certain of the same laws as humanity it -- having their own pacts with the shuffling bibliotechnical gods in the heavenly library of Babel -- and one of the foremost of these laws is that should a thesaurus look itself up in itself, hair will sprout from the book's pages and madness is certain to ensue. For it is a sin against god and libraries alike, and impractical as well: the pages stick together, and the thesaurus becomes useless. Philip
"And that concludes our lesson for today, children. You may close your books." said Sister Mary Weezer to her students at the Divine Lady of Eternal Festering Pustulant Wounds sunday school. "Now it is time for us to kneel on broken glass and ask God to forgive us for being such wretched, sinful, unworthy creatures." The children complied without hestitation, for they knew there were much worse things in the world than kneeling on broken glass. cuddles
Meanwhile, Doctor Love was up to his knees in elephant crap (one of the things worse than broken glass) A small pink girl one, with her stringy blonde hair tied up in pig-tails (elephant tails?) pointed her finger at him laughing. Ha ha the human fell in the dung pile. He glared at her, but said nothing knowing a gigatitic mother is lurking somewhere just waiting to ram him. Poop is one thing, having an elephant mom sit on you is another. A voice rumbles out from the trees:
"Aha never have I seen a creature like this, his head should mount nicely on my trophy wall."
Pinky the child elephant trumpet, waving her nose near the gun. Out of the forest charged a very angry (and very large) mother at whoever was trying to hunt. A sharp crack of bones breaking is heard. Ehhh....glad that wasn't me Doctor Love thought.
"Thanks for saving me."
The mother pulled him up out of the dung heap with her trunk, making one of those motherly noises. A spray of water cleaned the mess out.
"Now Young man, bettter run off before you get yourself in more trouble"
"Yes mam" the young elephant spoke softly. As soon as Mother was out of sight, the young elephant put on his roller skates and went to the mall. W
With all the holiday shoppers out, Pinky has a hard time manuevering. She caught a hold on a red Civic and rode the rest of the way. There were so many people inside the mall, that a security guard told Pinky she had to take off her roller skates. So Pinky walked like everyone else.
After strolling for awhile, Pinky went inside a clothes shop and started looking at blazers. She found a pale pink one that she tried on. Admiring herself in the store mirror, there was a commotion outside the shop. Looking up she saw a shop lifter running and tripping over people with some plain clothes cops after him. "Tsk, Tsk" thought Pinky. Hanging the jacket back up, Pinky went over to the winter swim suits. She was thinking to herself, how wonderful it would be to go to the Carribean for Christmas vacation.
Pinky knew that would not be possible this year. Her mother was having a torrid affair with a Dr. Love, her father, an elephant spy, was in Africa tracking down elephant killers. No one was paying much attention to her this year and she was honestly worried there may be no presents for her under the Christmas tree. Holding up a particularly small bikini, Pinky was daydreaming far away. A male voice talking to her called her back. It was a sales clerk and he was telling her how good she would look in that bikini. "Would you like to try it on" the clerk asked her.
Pinky shook her head no and put the bikini back on the rack. "I am not going to the beach this Christmas" Pinky said as she was walking away. Feeling a little sad, Pinky went to the Food Galleria, and bought herself a giant chocolate chip cookie and a large coke.
Pinky's hunger wasn't satified by the cookie, though it was almost as big as a frisbee. She walked back over to the Food Galleria and gazed over the delacies. A whoop and a hollar rumbled through the mammal mall as two strange looking cretures ambled in. One was a young unicorn girl, with flame red hair spiraled golden horn and legs spotted with an unusaul giraffe pattern. The other was a giraffe male. He wasn't too bad looking, a bit awkward. Pinky waved her trunk at him, her pink ears fluttering mysteriously.She winked one violet eye, covered by a mass of lashes. He didn't seem to notice...the girl made a disgusted look and picked up an alfafa sandwich. Pinky mumbled, sweeping her foot across the floor:
"How dare anyone ignore me, the lovely Pinkadilly Elliewonka..Princess of elephants!"
With a swirl of firey tresses, the unicorn gilr spun to face Pinky. A light of insanity flickered in her eyes...but there was something else, there, too. Pinky didn't know what to think of it, and she shrunk back in sudden fear. The unicorn girl spoke, alfalfa hanging from the corners of her mouth,
"Monkey sex?"
"What on planet Wibbly...?" Pinky replied.
"Monkey sex! On a rock in the jungle?!"
Pinky laughed, intrigued. "And we can pick and eat eachother's parasites!"
"Pick pick pick!!" exclaimed the now very aroused unicorn girl.
"EAT EAT EAT!" screamed Pinky.
"I AM THE CLOWN-GOAT-MONKEY LOVE GODDESS!" bellowed the unicorn girl, "ALL HAIL!!!"
The Food Galleria grew silent. Astonished and amused mumbling was heard. Not even a cricket chirped in the background. Hesitantly, the giraffe male crept up to the panting pair of females and whispered:
"Like, whatever..." scoffed pinky
Then, someone in the crowd spoke up. "Look!!!"they screamed and pointed at someone coming from the ladies room,"It's Marilyn Monroe!"
Marilyn sauntered seductively up to the escalator and stood on the bottom steop. As her voluptuous figure rose, she said in her famous breathy, sexy voice, complete with tantalizing moans:
"I had seven -ooooooh- tuna-fish sandwiches -uhhhhhh- with expired -ohhh yes!- mayonaise -mmmmm- and I've been on the toilet -ahhhhhhhhh?- for four -oooooh!- and a half -yes!! yes!!- hours!!!!"

Cory's large almond eyes blinked at the commotion. Such strange creatures these ones with weird shapes are...but somehow oddly attrative. That Pinky, though tubby has such appeal. Drool comes to his lips, staring at her walking out of the bathroom in a Marilyn Manore dress. So equistite makes you forget of the figure. He licks his lips with his black tounge, and motions to Pinky with his hoof.
"Hey, handsome what you think of a walk along the jungle path...just you and me."
If her mom can run around with some funky human that dropped in some elephant doo, who says that a little mingle with giraffes isn't in order.
Sick...sick sick..this world is just plain sick thought Tulip. Before she would of liked this. After years of sickening deals it gets tiresome. Creeping off silently she retreats into the darkest area of the woods. The part none of the creatures ever set foot in.
Too much misqeeto! She shouted, and ran all around! Misqueeto
Too much misqeeto! She shouted, and ran all around! Misqueeto
Elephant hunters from America were entering the clearing where the elder elephants were holding council.
Pinky had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She dropped her food, forgot about the unicorn girl and started running toward the mall exit. She felt a terrible panic inside her and she did not know what to do.
She blasted through the door at a gallop, people scattered. "I must get home, I must get home" she thought over and over as she ran all the way home. She did not even remember to put on her roller skates.
Christmas last minuters were crowding the streets around the mall. none
And Kasy snapped her fingers.
"I have it!" she exclaimed.
"What?" Gwen hurried to catch up with her, her five bags swinging from her hands.
"Fifty cents!" Kasy exclaimed. All of a sudden, there was a loud

Dr. Love tripped in the door, looking very worn out. He fell at Kasy's feet, staring up her dress (-completely- on accident mind you) She screamed, kicking at him with her spiky hig heel. Right smack dab on the nose, which is the most sestive part on a face. Rubbing the now flat nose, leaning to the ground he begged to her.
"Please Please help me from this overly amourous elephant! She won't keep her paws off me! Even though a woman chasing me would of been a dream..but this lady weighs at least three thousand pounds. When she...well I won't get in details but.....ARGH!!!!!"
Mad Elephant grabs him, picks him by the collar and growls. He wraps his trank around his neck, poking tusks into his left nostril. His eyes are big and red screaming into poor Doctor Love's ear.
"How DARE you mess with my wife you homewrecker. I am going to bash your scrawny hide where it belongs!"
Pinky busted through the door, cracking the frame. "Mom, Mom!" Pinky screamed.
She ran all through the house, knocking over tables, and busting dishes.
"MOM, where are you!" Out of breath, Pinky stood in the living room looking a the mess she just made.
Exasperated, Pinky remembered Dr. Love. She went barreling next door, slamming her fist against the door. "MOM, MOM, I need you now!"
Pinky rocked from one foot to the other. She could hear movement on the other side of the door. At last a frumpled Dr Love peeked out the door. As soon as the door opened Pinky pushed it all the way open, knocking Dr Love down. Pinky stepped in over him. "Where's my mom?" Pinky demanded.
"MOM!" Pinky screamed, "MOM something is wrong with Dad!"
Pinky's mom was trying to get dressed before her daughter caught her. At last she buckled her belt and went into the hall, where Pinky knocked her down in her mad search. "MoM!" Pinky grabbed her up and sat her back on her feet.
"Something has gone wrong, Mom. I felt it in my gut at the Food Galleria. I could not even finish my giant cookie."
"Slow down Pinky and tell me about it" Mom said as she tried to straighten herself out again.
Pinky rushed out with words spilling over words...."Mom we got to do something now."
Dr Love walked down the hall toward them,
"I can have my plane fueled and ready to go in 45 minutes."
Both elephants looked up at him and nodded.
As the 3 boarded the airplane, Dr Love whispered to MOM, I can give her a little something to keep her nerves calm for the trip, and give us a little free time. Both Mom and Dr Love giggled. "OK Dr Love, just don't hurt her, I want her to be awake when we get there."
Dr Love went to his bar and asked if anyone wanted anything. "I make a mean milkshake Pinky, you want one" Dr Love grinned. "Sure" Pinky answered. She was very nervous and fidgety.
Dr Love winked at Mom and pulled something from the inside of his jacket. He opened a capsule and dropped the contents in Pinky"s chocolate milk shake.
Smiling he handed the drink to Pinky, "Drink up dear, it's good for you" and as he spoke he winked at Pinky.
Mom was straightening her skirt and making sure her knees were covered when she looked up and saw Dr Love staring at her. It made her blush.
Dr Love sat down beside Mom and put his arm around her. Pinky had turned up the milkshake and was guzzling it down. Dr Love winked at Mom.
After about 15 minutes Pinky started yawning and her eyes got real heavy. She leaned over in her seat and went right to sleep.
Dr Love watching Pinky closely, put his hand on Mom's knee and pushed his hand up underneath her dress. He could feel the rows of fat and muscle on Mom's leg and it drove him wild with desire.
He turned and held Mom in his firm grip and said "I gotta have you now, baby". And with that, he started undressing Mom. Mom pretended she did not want him touching her and she made vain attempts to stop the undressing. But Dr Love kept on till she was completely naked. "Nothing is quite as beautiful as a naked elephant on a plane". Mom giggled and blushed, and said, "Elephants generally don't wear any clothes in the jungle."
"That's right baby, I am just preparing you" and with those words he planted a giant wet kiss on Mom's volumptuous mouth.
Pinky drifted off into an unnatural sleep. She was a little girl again, frolicking naked in the daisies. She smelled the sweet odor of the flowers, and felt the gentle breeze on her cheeks. Through the morning haze she spotted her Dad walking toward her. He looked like an angel and Pinky ran to him.
Dad hugged her and asked her how his little baby girl was doing.
"Dad, I am so worried about you" Pinky felt herself talking.
"Pinky I have a secret to tell you, you must listen very carefully", Pinky nodded. "I am being held as a prisioner in the caves under the sea", you must be a brave a smart girl. "You are my only hope of ever getting out alive".
Pinky nodded dreamily in her sleep and both Dr Love and her Mom noticed this.
"I wonder what she is dreaming" Mom said.
...ass... Shaquita
The Mammalian newspawper landed smack into Pinky's lap the headlines blaring right into her face.
-Strange happenings in the den of legends, non magical being that was found running around in mall is in home of the elephant queens. Mass hullisinations on the rise-
"I Swear I saw him, the king! Lionvis! I know that proofs are saying he is dead but I saw him in front of me singing White Chris moose, just like the old days!"
Tammy Girafacius, who was known to be a sane mammal was found nearby the mall babling about seeing two of the same person standing next to one another, and disapearing folks all around.
Pinky knew what to do, she darted off to the ocean.
Pinky is a good swimmer, and she jumped right in and took off for the nearest cofe. none
The morning was bright and the air was clear as Pinky swam. none
In the jungle not too far away, a band of angry elephant killers were arming up for a day of hunting. Someone sneaked into camp during the night and stole all the food and water. Wishes
The teeny bopper elephants were standing around and giggling from their night of escapades. Some of the elephants were filling their trunks with water from the hunters and spraying each other. The hunters' food was torn open and scattered around. Another crew of elephants would be by shortly, to take the hunters on a wild goose chase. none
Pinky swam on. Tea
Pinky swam on indeed... Mightily, the little sperm swam against the current, forging its insistent way eggward, eggward ho! For the ovum appeared on the horizon, bobbing merrily up and down, adrift on a rough, salty sea of eau d'fallopienne -- it almost seemed to mock him, the way it appeared and disappeared as it bobbed in the waves -- the shadow of the swimmer to his left snapped him back to attention -- for, oh, to have come so very, very far, and then to lose at the last minute -- it was more than a little sperm could bear to imagine! Pinky doubled the rapid tadpoling efforts of his little tail until he thought his poor tiny sperm-lungs would burst, forging ahead of the rest of the pack towards the great looming shape of the egg. Philip
As does a marathoner, once the pursuant footfalls have ceased, Pinky paused. In the scotia, he coasted from a particulary herculean stroke, and took for himself a moment of silent lamentation. "Illud cum timore et horrore delibero." he mused, reflecting on loss of his hopes and dreams. As of result of the sudden exile from his cozy residence in Vas Deferens, he had come to a sudden realization. "Would that I never commenced this nauseating quest!" his subconscious screamed. (Ah, the loss of innocence, comparable only to the horrific moment of realizing that that awful smell in January might be Santa Claus stuck in the chimney.)
In times past, Pinky had spent many a sleepless night perfecting the path to his one truth. Throwing his diaphanous mucilage over his shoulder a la Isadora, he had mastered the ultimate in mimesis. But gone were the happy times, and gone were the Streisandesque piping of "Let Me Entertain You" that brought him such joy. Pinky could no longer throw himself into the Barca-Lounger of bliss. In that one tragic moment of shattered ideality, it had hit him. He would not now, nor ever, become the quintessence of all things masculine -- Neil Tennant. "Screw this." he thought.
Terri Ahki
Pinky stomped a foot. It was like he/she/it? had frozen like a stone statue in place. Can't move forward or I will be stuck becoming like the disgusting Doctor Love, Can't go back or the whole world as we know it will crumble like the lost city of Atlantis had so many years ago. Pinky knew she was the only one who could save them.
Shaking one arm at the sky she cursed what had gotten her in this predicament. The sky opened and it rained cats and dogs, some were like the pets you keep at home...and others were human-like. Out of this hullababloo Tulip the unicorn fell on four (now pawed like a cat's) feet.
Pinky stared at her.
Tulip smiled. "If you wait just long enough, good things will come to you" the
unicorn spoke.
Pinky stood aghast! She was struck speechless and that does not happen often.
A million things raced acrossed Pinky' mind, but still she was not able to speak.
"Isn't it odd, that we should meet this way again" Tulip was speaking. "There I was having peppermint tea and cookies when a vortex cloud fell out of the sky.
It dropped on top of me and then I was swirling. I think, I guess I lost consciouness, I don't know. But the next thing I know the clouds open up and I am falling, falling downward with cats, dogs, humans, rabbits and mice. And now...I land in front of the elephant princess of the mall."
Pinky was stammering, "Who, wha, how, where did ya, what's going on, I am so confused."
"Don't worry honey, ya'll figure it all out later, right now we gotta save your dad! Are ya up for it?!
Pinky still staring and stammering took a step and tripped over her feet. Looking up from the ground she finally said "Let's go Tulip."
The weather was warm that day, as Tulip the unicorn girl and Pinky the elephant
gathered supplies for their long journey.
"Lucky for me you dropped by..."
Pinky spat in a sarcastic tone, picking up a large bundle of mushroom stalks with her trunk. Tulip shrugs, grabbing up some plantlife that might come in handy. She is beginning not to care what anyone thinks of her. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a little mushroom man scampering around, giggling piling some fuzzy orange moss on its head. Tulip smiled, reminded of Fantasia she scopped the little guy into her hoof. He made a high pitched squeal and a ramble of what seemed to be a line of swear words.
She shook her arm, the little mushroom guy flew off into the branches. Tulip had some of the orange moss stuck to her wrist but didn't seem to notice.
"I don't know what is worse, men chasing me around for a wild fling. Or a bunch of weird creautures who think I am some sort of savoir!"
She mumbled softly thinking Pinkadilly couldn't hear, but forgot that elephants have superior ears.
ass none
Acting Sinners Society has a hostel deep in the jungles of Africa. none
Tulip and Pinky were approaching from the west side. They had been hearing sounds of gunfire for the last 12 miles. It was good that both the unicorn and the elephant knew something of suburban guerilla training. As they grew closer to the hostel, they dropped down on their bellies and snaked their way onward.
"A little farther," Pinky barked. The elephant was noticeably dissatisfied with its progress, seemingly compensating by smushing its ears and trunk against the ground as much as possible.
"Where are we going?" Tulip asked desperately.
"A hostel," he automatically offered.
"A hostile WHAT?"
"Keep moving."
Tulip shuffled along, grumbling to herself. She was imagining a group of fine men fawning over her, giving her sweet treats. Drool dripped out from her lips, she couldn't remember the last time she had something good to eat. A nice juicy T bone covered in sauce, mashed potatoes dripping in butter...even the side of peas all lined up in a row was sitting there. It wasn't just in her mind, at the side of the road there was her imagined dinner sitting there and waiting for her to chow down.
Just as she was reaching for the meal, Pinky swatted at her.
"Don't believe everything you see here..."
The meal faded into a meat colored flower that smelled like...well elephant dung. Tulip stomped her foot, whining.
"I'm hungry!"
"Your not the only one..."
Pinky stared at Tulip. Oh no...
"That's right," said Pinky, sadly but firmly, shaking his old head back and forth with a melancholy that seemed -- well -- practiced. As if he'd been in this verysame place before.
"Pinky -- no! How could you even think it! Eat -- me?"
"I didn't make the food chain," he sighed. "Nature did. Or god. However you wanna put it, it all comes down to economics. Eco-nomics, ha-ha. Big fishie gobbles the little fishie. In a piquant sauce bearnaise, if I may add my own part to the tale. After long, slow, heavily-basted roasting over a well-kept fire of buffalo chips and pine-wood. Accompanied by several bottles of Chateau de L'Eiremi, say, a nice 1970 vintage. And then a good, long, just, heavy sleep..."
Tulip was too terrified to reply. To her dismay, she found that she had soiled herself, and began to sob.
Tulip started to scratch off the orange ooze that was growing on her left arm. With all the excitement she had forgotten that elephants are vegatarians. You would think that with hanging around one so long she would obtain that quality.
"'Cuse me Pinky, but your kind usaully sticks to stuff like leaves and berries and the you can see you can't eat me. Since I am not of the vegetable type."
Pinky tossed his head to the side.
"Darling, see you are a unicorn. You imagined a nice MEAT dinner. Therefore you...per se a vegatable eating type of being wishing for meat substance is unnaturaul. So you can say this whole place is the same way!"
Plucking the dung scented flower, she thrust it in his face. She sprinted off...
Nothing was safe, nothing is what is seems. Just hope maybe this life is but a dream.
thing living in the computer
Maggie suddenly sprung from the floor and managed to catch the top of the Exotic Animals poster, clumsily shearing it off of her bedroom wall. She howled, and beat her fists, gloved with the poster, against the bleached paint of the wall.
Tommy looked through the spyglass. Boy isn't Maggie a babe, too bad she won't ever talk to me. He walked outside, and drug his little yellow dingy from the boat shed.
"What is the use of living. living without love. It may be a dream, but a nightmare without love!"
A whale jumped from the murky waters, an obvious music critic (like some folks we aren't mentioning here) swallowed up Poor Tommy whole. Why would a whale eat a guy if they only eat shrimp? This will be answered and more on the next mammal of our lives episode!
Putting the drugged Tommy in the yellow dingy, we started off for Skull Island.
The whales won't come this far out so we had nothing to fear from them. But occasionally pirates were known to sail these parts.
The sea seemed unusally calm that afternoon. Very little wind blew and I had to start using the oars. Sometimes a sickening smell would waft by and all I could think of is that it came from the direction we were going.
Tommy mumbled in his drup stupor and it sounded like elephant. I laughed to myself, thinking he might just be right.
Tommy laid down on the couch, I covered him with a big blanket. He was mumbling to himself, something about crusty old men, sex changing elephants, and walking talking animals. Poor guy must of had it heavy with the drugs, I sipped on hot chocalate staring out on the ocean. There it was, a pink whale cresting in the distance. Must be the color of the dawn reflecting on the waves, I thought watching the sun set. Us scentific people know there is some logical explaination for everything.
Next morning, Tommy was still passed out. It was a long night for him. I opened the paper. Strange unicorn appears in times square...and fades back into the shadows. Some bums are really crazy. Stirring in my mind was wondering if it was true.
Tulip? tulip tulip that name...I knew her. What happened to Tulip, she was a most interesting sort of person. I wondered why I thought of her, shrugged and turned to the funny pages.
"Nancy" I didn't even get Nancy and the "Katzenjammer Kids" wasn't funny either.
My mendulla oblongata wasn't functioning properly. Perhaps a nap would do me good. Laying on the futon, the walls were wobbly....purple haze, excuse me while I touch the skies...purple owsley flashback incommunication. "Damn it" where's Vash when I need her to bring me a martini to get me sober?
big red
My name is Maggie and I've been having all sorts of dreams did you want me to talk about them? Diego
No, Maggie's dreams are of no interest to me. none
Futhermore, we buried Maggie in the land of forgotten dreams.
The dead are supposed to stay dead. I know a wizard fellow that can take you down even more.
What does that mean?
In all the universe both near and far, the rattler cake flies.
Toe nails
Pinky scratched her bare butt, as Tulip pawed around for the lost key.
"Pretty Pinky," yawned Tulip, "I'm sleepy and bursting at the seams from having eaten so much caviar." flicker
Pinky tucked Tulip in a cover, brownish green warm and smeeling of the earth. Feeling badly for treating her in such a manner, he walked out onto the porch looking out over the ocean. The spouting of the whales at night always calms me, no matter how high my stresses are.He noticed one that seemed to be moving in his direction. Must be my imagination, the beings of the sea do not come close to the beings of the land. A long pink snake patted on the boards, Pinky stepped backwards in amazement almost trumpeting and falling in fear. Taking a closer glace, he saw it was a long elephant trunk not a pink snake.
The whale did a flip into the air, showing that he was indeed Pinky's father. This wasn't what she was expecting from what the dream told her. Taking a step forward, and outstrecting his trunk to meet the whale a musky glow flowed across the land.
"My dear Pinky, you sure look different. Somehow walking down to the sea of tears made you a male?"
"No, Daddy, I am still a girl" Pinky said as she nuzzled her papa. "I have been through hell getting here to you. I had to cut my hair, cover my genitals, and act like a male. It's a hard world, Daddy." Tea
and getting harder all the time.If only you hadn't murdered the rest of the family i might not be acting so strangely

That is how it all started. Now it cannot be fixed. Not all the jungle animals in the world can make this right again.
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE COME HERE - - Your kind is always that way, said the elderly elephant man.
All the elders gathered round, shaking their old heads. One old, old elephant man stepped forward, his gray beard touched the ground. He grunted, snorted, spat on the ground. Another old grizzly elephant stepped forward, made some grunting noises and spat on the ground. Each old, old elephant took one step forward, grunted and spat on the ground.
It seemed to be some sort of ritual that none of the others knew about.
Ritulistic elephants have been a problem in the past and could be a problem now, thought Tulip. none
The eldest elephant hend up a long twisted staff, pointing it to Pinky's father. He held a gem over Pinky's head, she suddenly froze in her tracks. Her face smoothed, trying eith all her might to save her father. SDhe knew he was in trouble somehow. She tried to call out to Tulip but her lips wouldn't move. The eldest one clambered over the porch, grasping the staff in his trunk murmuring the launguage of the ancient eleaphants.
"Esou, meart tamberlin..codeno Tunep Belisugust truk ia!"
Tulip raised her silver horn up, seeming to touch the dawn with the tip. She took in the sea water air into her nostrils, making a fog of silver mercury dust over the elephants temporialary blinding them before the spell was finish.
The elder kneeled down, the staff dropping into the sea of tears.
Waves jumped up into the sky, forming into a shape of an arrow hovering in the sky.Blinking the eyes of the others came into focus. They stared at the arrow in disbelief.
It was gold, pure gold. It changed to solid gold in the sunlight.
Springing up behind the elephant was a mighty man made from the waves of sea. He had long white foaming hair, and wore a sea green foaming tunic. A deep rumble built up inside him and when he roared the ground shook all around the stunned party of tears. Each blinked out fuzzyness and water and the man of the the waves raced into toward land, grabbing the magnificent gold arrow.
From behind his shoulder he pulled out a giant golden bow.
We all covered our head and cowered. I am the most afraid, and I take off running on all fours for higher ground. The mighty wave man roars inland.
I look over my shoulder once and then I remember . . ."DADDY" Oh God I ran off and left my precious father, just after I had long lost found him.
I am overcome with indecision, I run aways back toward where I had just come, the giant wave man falls heavy upon the Party of Tears. There are screams and screeches. I freeze in my tracks. I am unable to move. I am mesmerized by the terror in front of my eyes. As the giant wave man recededs back into the ocean all of the party of tears float on out to sea with him, including my precious Daddy. I am fraught with saddness, I cry and cry and cry.
I sit on the ground and I cry and cry and cry. I lay over on the ground and I cry and cry and cry.
After many hours of crying, a tall giraffe boy walks up and asks me if I would like a cigarette. Sniffling, I say Yes please. I light it up and inhale deeply. Hmmmm a Marlboro, I presume, this I say to the tall giraffe boy.
He smiles and nods. We both smoke a cigarette and then I feel strangely indifferent to all the horror that has just happened.
Giraffe boy says come on Pinky, I got something to show ya.
I look up at him and smile. We both walk toward the rising sun.
Giraffe boy turns from pinky and a loud noise arrisses from him, bellowing outward. Blaaaaauahhhh, and then an explosion. Giraffe boy is no longer himself he has changed. Hes changed into a woman a beautifull woman, but evil with the soul of medusa herself. She enitces Pinky with her womanly charms come here Pinky, come here and Jimmy Urza
Giraffe boy turns from pinky and a loud noise arrisses from him, bellowing outward. Blaaaaauahhhh, and then an explosion. Giraffe boy is no longer himself he has changed. Hes changed into a woman a beautifull woman, but evil with the soul of medusa herself. She enitces Pinky with her womanly charms come here Pinky, come here and ravage me like a redheaded step child in west virginia Jimmy Urza

"Like WHAT?"
"Like a red-headed child in West Virginia," Sullivan repeated.
Hu looked confused. "I can't say I get it. Or WANT to."
"Look, it's not my joke. People joke about beating red-headed step-children all the time."
"And West Virginia?"
"I dunno. Just added that bit," Sullivan confessed glumly. He threw done the last of the elephant bones in his pile, and went to a new one.
"So what are we looking for, again?" Hu queried.
"A computer. Just a personal computer."
"How kind" Hu replied "And the bubbles? What of the bubbles?" lumpy funbags
Happy Perfume's happy bubbles bubble in the auditorium.
The awards are presently being given out.
Yea! Yea! Rah! Rah! scream the happy crowd of unicorns. The scent from the auditorium is heavenly. All is well in the happy unicorn village.
Tulip is dressed in her finest white silk. Happy hung a necklace of pearls and diamonds around her delicate neck. Tulip batted her long dark lashes, and blew softly in Happy's ear. Both unicorns smiled at each other, entwined their hoofs and walked out on stage. The crowd rose to their feet and stamped the floor, hooting and cheering. It was the happiest of nights.
There were no elephants in sight as Tulip accepted her Grand Charity Award for helping the less fortunate animals of the world. Tulip smiled and waved to all of the adoring crowd. "What a trooper I am" thought Tulip.
The unicorns constructed a home for her out of rainbows and moondust. Tulip looked over it thinking that it reminded her of something out of a dream. Jade trees hung around, filling the air with the scent of hope. Jumping on the couch, it wiggled under her contorting to her body shape. She picked up a paper off the coffee table smiling at the headlines.
Mammals, fish, birds and reptiles all creatures of every shape and size declare harmony after the mysterious event of Tulip. Something bothered her though as she flipped through the pages. A small article hidden near the back caught her eye.
Mystery unmagical man found. Marragies crumble from him sweeping women off there feet with his ways.
And the smaller headline under that one said, Unmystical Women Whooped Up On Unmagical Man. Tulip laughed to herself and paged on. W
The unicorns laid lumpy funbags at her feet. It was a very high honor and Tulip took it in stride. She was so confifdent now. She felt invincible.
Despite all her problems in the last few months she had finally come into her own honor. She was giddy with her own pride.
Died of boredom that is, you would wonder with all the crazy stuff going on a girl like Tulip wouldn't be bored. There is a such thing as a craziness overload. Stuffing the paper in the trash she began to wish for her old life back.
"Nothing will ever be normal agian for me!"
One of the books on her shelves began to beep loudly. She covered her head, curling up on the couch and screamed.
"I want my therapist!!!!"
The book wailed.
"No such thing as normal, and stop complaining I am tired of your whining!"
"So, I see you've overloaded on diet pills and shitaki mushrooms-
How does your garden grow?" Crumpet lather wheezed and farted.
Killer bees moved into Texas overnight, mating with earthworms.
A new breed of earthworms were born this morning, many of them have fangs and stingers.
Pinky was out in the backyard, taking in a little winter sun when she felt something bite her little toe. When she looked down, there was a long brown worm wrapped around her toe and gnawing on it.
The new breed of killer earthworms prefer toes as their main source of nourishment. none
Unfortunately, these killer earthworms are still possessed of the soft skin common to terrestrial annelids, and thus easily squishable. Within an hour, then, the muddy backyard was a gut-strewn ruin of squooshed worms. Mrs. Ivan Mufti
Though squished beyond repair, I remonisced upon the time these putrid creatures were nothing more than common earth worms, destined to be fried on a pan of garlic butter and fed to my eagerly awaiting in-laws. But alas, the nuclear leakage changed everything. These killer worms were out for revenge. They were in my back yard, they were big and they were looking right at me, with both heads. Louis
what was i to do? i had two option one was to soil myself, and the other was to utalize the feet that were under me and run like hell. i skipped out on the soiling and went strait for the running part. little did i know was that the mutant worms were extreamly agile and mobile. hell, i probably could have outran them back in my high school days but i was 35, and had resorted to a life of watching my old high school football tapes and staring at high school girls on the way home from school greg
what was i to do? i had two option one was to soil myself, and the other was to utalize the feet that were under me and run like hell. i skipped out on the soiling and went strait for the running part. little did i know was that the mutant worms were extreamly agile and mobile. hell, i probably could have outran them back in my high school days but i was 35, and had resorted to a life of watching my old high school football tapes and staring at high school girls on the way home from school greg
what was i to do? i had two option one was to soil myself, and the other was to utalize the feet that were under me and run like hell. i skipped out on the soiling and went strait for the running part. little did i know was that the mutant worms were extreamly agile and mobile. hell, i probably could have outran them back in my high school days but i was 35, and had resorted to a life of watching my old high school football tapes and staring at high school girls on the way home from school greg
But today I was the young buck I use to be, running with all my former football glory. Yes I ran that day, I ran and ran and ran. Stauback
As I got closer to town, I realized I had left those brown slimey things far behind. My first thought was to get to a phone. Someone should be notified.
I saw a police cruiser parked by the donut shop. I ran in, all wild eyed, I tripped over a chair, landed on a table on my back, then flipped over backwards, banging my head on the floor. That was the last of my memory.
I woke up in a hospital, with a young pretty blonde woman standing over me. I didn't know where I was, but I knew it was not heaven. I have not been that good. She was asking me my name and did I know what day it was.
I blurted out, "WORMS, KILLER WORMS! Coming, coming to get us all."
I struggled to get out of bed. The woman pushed me back down, and yelled for assistance. "I have to get outta here, NOW" I said, "And you too!"
In my struggles someone gave me a shot, and then I . . . . . .
...Woke from what had been a long, extremely senseless dream. Was this Entropy in action, I wondered aloud -- the universe not degenerating to the useless grey of undefinition, cosmic soup cooked too long, but degenerating merely to the state of processed cheese food, Velveeta, and stopping there, having by chance or luck of irony degenerating past its own ability for further degeneration...? But it was too much too ponder so early in the morning -- at least before his first bong hit. He reached beneath the bed... Ivan Mufti
and felt amongst the dust bunnies and shriveled latex corpses of more pleasant evenings past for the small carved Indian box that contained my stash. Beside me on the nightstand stood my magnificent glass hookah, a treasured possession. Something greenish grey floated lazily on the top of the brackish water in its center. I decided to leave it. My eyes still crusted with sleep dirt I tenderly stuffed a hefty wad of sweet leaf into the proper recepticle, lit it and lay back upon my still slightly drool damp pillow. The long pipe stem curving from the hookah proper and into my waiting lips was in the shape of a long silver dragon neck and greedily I sucked its luscious breath.
Soon I would have to face the rest of the morning, (but at least properly braced for reality) and with a quick glance at the clok radio I knew that I could enjoy
enjoy approximately 16 more minutes of idle reverie before embarking on the arduous task of my morning toilet.
Yawning, I walked onto the eves of the tiled roof. I smiled over my domain, everyone is smiling to think of me. The chinese madien innocent in sandle, mysterious eyes hidden behind my fan. My public awaits for me today, I stroll over the path. Into the forest I move...deeper...deeper...I smile. The day that this land has longed for is drawing near. Ruth
The worms creep closer, following the mysterious and inviting creature moving deeper and deeper into the forest. The smell of fresh meat draws many worms.
Squirgling, smurshing, inching slowly along the worms never lose sight of the prey.
The ground is damp and musky. The worms move with ease.
The leaders are baring fangs as they draw closer
Grunthar the Bold is ever-prepared for the onslaught of foul creatures from the bowels of the earth such as these. Tossing back the last of his foaming flagon of mead with a resounding, manly belch, and rudely thrusting aside the mango-teated wench he'd been dandling on his hairy, sinew'd knee, the mighty-thewed wanderer from the wastes of the frozen North unsheathed his great two-handed broadsword Runyih, Runyih the Shrill-Voiced, Runyih the Eater of Souls, and began to hack away at the writhing worms. One, two! One, two! And through and through! His vorpal blade went snicker-snack! as the Rev. Dodgson so aptly put it, and in no time he'd made short work of the carnivorous earthworms. He stood there, panting and sweating with his frenzied exertions, blood flowing off the blade, nothing left to kill -- this last item much to the dismay of Runyih, Runyih the High-Keening, Runyih the Devourer of That Which is Equally Greatest and Lowest-Common-Denominational in Human- and Elf-kinds -- worms, carnivourous or peaceful, have no souls, and poor Runyih's stomach was starting to grumble, and the sword was beginning to get cranky, and began to edge -- with a low doglike whine -- in the direction of the aforementioned wench, who, it must be said, was the only living, souled thing other than Grunthar within a six-mile radius...
"Hey," snarled the barbarian, "I know exactly what you're thinking. But exactly."
"Whattayamean?" blinked the sword, trying to act coy.
"And the answer is no. N-O spells who the hell'm I supposed to dandle if I let you eat her, huh? Myself?"
"Maybe you could, uh, like, I know -- take a night off from dandling! It'll do you good! Give the ol', er, liver a rest..."
The chinese madien grinned, waving a fan printed with an image of a unicorn in front of her face. Her long silky hair waved around her slim body, like it was greeting the barbarian. She waited there, the dust fogging near her feet...waiting...soon the moment she was waiting for came. He looked over, and she moved the fan under her nose and fluttered her eyelashes.
"No man can resist the dragon's drop your sword if you are so wise."
The sword whistled, the barbarian smashed his fist on his head. His hand opened up gushing a flood of blood at his feet. Blood flowers sprug up, but the barbarian paid no heed to the pain (since he doesn't really have a brain)
"Curse you my fickle sword, you could never resist a pretty face!"
And on a second thought he added "I could never resist your pretty tiny feet."
As he knelt on one knee with blood flowers growing around him, he took the maiden's foot and kissed her toes. From underneath a tangled mess of brown hair, he looked up in her eyes, yanked her ankle, pulling her down on the moist ground.
"I will make you mine" he roared to the sky.
"First, I must dance..With you.. with your feet."
He cut off her tiny feet with a butter knife.
"Ahhhhh so tender."
And stuffed them in his ear. Oh how good they felt. w
She looked at him with outrage."You fearfully abominable cannibal" Said she , punching him in the nose, "cutting off my feet like that. You could have consulted me first." none
Earsy- that's what the kids used to call him.
Cold November days.......
"More mustard" the barbarian yelled.
The Chinese Princess of Maiden Philosophy folded her hands in her lap and pretended she did not notice her feet sticking out of the barbaian's ears.
She fanned her face as she batted her lashes.
Overhead a hawk circled. The barbarian lifted his spear, poised for the kill.
The little chinese princess crawled away.
"Ack... Ack.... a chianti..." he wheezed, purdled from his snicker-snack. "But where, oh where are those drat fava beans when you need them?" Suddenly, as if from the hand of god, goddess, Shiva himself, a small grean bean appeared on the ground next to him. Siphoniphoric in its way, oddly shimmering in the light of the lune, it warbled "Don't shilly-shally, old man.. chop chop away." Terri Ahki
"Hey man, are you missing a fontanelle?
I found this in the parking lot."
The barbarian turned around only to find a
small grinning cashew holding his fontanelle.
The barbarian was picking lice and lint out of his tangled hair. He had a new plan. All morning he had been stuffing cashews in his ears. He now had flava beans, tiny feet and cashews in his ears.
He was making his way down a dirt road that would eventually lead to the shrine of his god. His ears were full of all sorts of good gifts.
Suddenly Grunthar's eyes lit up -- but of course! Just like in the story about that funny little boy named Jack -- if you threw the beans -- they were magic -- magic fava beans! For some reason he found the notion funny as hell. "Ohhhhh hohohohohohohoho," chortled the barbarian, his huge laughter booming across the peaceful glade and breaking windowpanes in cottages six miles distant. He started to insert a cruddy digit into his ear, but was momentarily diverted by his left nostril, from which he extracted a long, sulphur-yellow booger of decidedly wormlike proportions. He thought fondly back on his ealier extermination of the carnivorous earthworms as he licked the lengthy, anellidesque noomie frmo his fingertip and like it slide languorous and sultry across his tongue with all the Judy Davis style of a bluepoint oyster impersonating a Jim Thompson heroine. He let it simmer on his tastebuds a moment, savoring the saltiness and the diverse textures, then swallowed it with a gulp, stuck the aforementioned finger into his ear and pulled out all the fava beans. "Heh-heh-heh," he asided to an imaginary cameraman, "This oughta be a gas." And with a Doc Ellis wind-up he tossed the magic beans into a small fecund hill of dirt at the edge of the glade. Philip
Merrily Grunthar turns, licking the last of his nose drippings off his lips, and thinks what else he can gather along the way to the shrine.
The birds are singing, the air is warm, Grunthar scratches his ass.
Suddenly the ground begins to tremble. The wide, asparaguslike head of the first magic fava bean stalk commences to nose its wayout of the dirtpile, followed by four or five others. Grunthar is amazed -- he's never seen anything grow so fast. He picks a final lucky booger from his twin-holed neb, sheathes his grumpy magic sword, grabs ahold of the thickest bean stalk and is instantly flying skyward, watching the meadow and the poor footless Chinese girl grow smaller and smaller beneath him as he ascends into the doughy mass of a thundercloud, whence the world grows dark and damp and warm. Philip
As Gunthar's eyes adjust to the new atmosphere, he feels something slimey wiggling against his cheek none
Higher and higher he climbs, while slimey worm things crawl over his bare skin.
He feels sure there will be nice presents up there. I wonder if it is heaven up there.
...But no, it is not Heaven. Not nearly. The magic fava bean stalks rise above the thunderhead into a land of rarified air, patchy ozone and resplendent sunlight -- the land of the Brooml-Hai, the massive Air-Giants who are also very stupid, an ancient inbred race of simple, almost mentally-retarded Giants with the pinpoint double-brains of large extinct saurians, one in their knotty skulls and the other at the base of their spines, just above the anus. Grunthar grunted "Uh," to himself most intelligently as he considered his situation. The beanstalk seemed to be growing at an angle. He wondered why. He looked down. How fitting. The addled Brooml-Hai, fully seven score of them, were busily gnawing away at the sections of beanstalk which bisected their kingdom, and with absolute no forethought for the extremely high fiber-content of fava bean stalk. "By the Gods!" exclaimed Grunthar. "This bodes a rain of diarrhea of Biblical proportions! Therefore I must move these stupid Giants and their cloud-kingdom until the lots hangs heavily o'er the kingdom of the Noombas, mine ancestral enemies, a land of men and women so low they even cheat at croquet!"
So saying, Grunthar the Bold began to descend the bean stalk.
Some little dipweed started to chop at the beanstalk with an axe, like that would actually make a plant of that size fall down before Grunthar made it to the ground. Giants are faster, and a whole lot smarter than fairytails say.He stepped right on top of the dipweed, hed tucked and rolled up in a ball right under his shoe.
"This small critters are a nucience, always getting underfoot!"
In a flash of light Tulip blinked in, and she looked around in a daze not knowing how in the world she got there. Gunthar grinned, lowering his huge head down to the level of her.
"Ooh pretty critter, I like to smush um!"
He lowered his large fist and...
Tulip opened her delicate little mouth, baring rather large fangs. As the giant's fist connected with her mouth, she bit off his hand and spat it on the ground. "ARGHHHH" screamed the mighty giant, and he went scrambling back up the beanstalk. "That will teach you to mess with unicorns" Tulip yelled behind him. Tea
Unfortunately for Tulip, unicorn horns and hooves were much valued among the Air-Giants as the principal ingredients of a peerless aphrodesiac, and the mighty Grunthar, ever-in-search-of-ducats-and-doubloons, was only too aware of Tulip's value on the open market. Had he been an agrarian man, like so many others in that day, he might have thought of finding a male unicorn to cover Tulip, and perhaps starting his unicorn farm -- but Grunthar was a barbarian from the frozen terra incognita north of glacial Hyperborea, a pathological itinerant, and something of a myopic opportunist, an Instant Gratification kind of man, if you will, and what he saw, when he looked at Tulip -- much like Wile E. Coyote sees the Roadrunner with a butcher's eye, reducing that beep-beeping little guy to constituent chops, loins, breasts, thighs and ribmeat -- what Grunthar saw, when he looked at Tulip, was opportunity. For Tulip meant money, and moreso, Tulip meant influence, especially if her horn and hooves were placed in the right Air-Giant's hands, and influence meant he might at last gain wrathful aerial-diarrheic revenge on the country of his ancestral enemies, the bastards who'd invaded the land of Grunthar's birth and killed Grunthar's father and killed Grunthar's mother and then raped Grunthar's father's musk-ox Gerdla, she of the great swinging milk-giving teats and the sad golden eyes and the long, lowing, steaming-breathed Mmmmoooooooooooooooooooo... Grunthar's eyes misted at the memory of his beloved Gerdla, gang-raped by three score Vlirnmish mercenaries one after the other so that the poor bovine was never able to name the father of the small sickly minotaur she'd given birth to one morning the following Summer in the high grazing pastures of Ostfrigland where the devoted cow was raising the orphaned 7-year-old Grunthar as if he were her own flesh and blood... His eyes misted again and he unsheathed his mighty sword and proceeded towards the hapless unicorn at the reasonable pace.
"Uh, unicorns have souls, right?" whispered the sword to Grunthar.
"I'm not sure," replied Grunthar, "Though I find the notion highly unlikely. But let's us find out, compadre, eh?"
"Ja, mein Fuhrer," assented the soul-devouring blade. "Lassen wir ein stuckchen Nachmittagessen haben."
Since Tulip does not understand foriegn languages, she went about her business as usual. "After all" she thought "the interests of men are of no interest to me." "I have the the less fortunate to help and I am behind schedule."
Finding a fairy wind, the unicorn flew though the night.
"Grr, Gunthar want pretty food smush. I love a bowl of crushed unicorns in the morning. I will follow the smell of fairy wind, maybe more of them is around..yumm unicorn all you can eat!"
Giants don't have very good eyesight, but the sense of smell is amazing. The earth rumbled as he chased the floating unicorn.
Meanwhile, Dudley the dasterdly dreary dwarf was coming from his mud hut for his yearly walk in the sunshine. He hated the light, but without it he would get bibble bumps, a nasty itchy rash. Didn't know a giant was running right past the hut. He screamed.
It was at this point still blinking slightly in the unaccustomed sunlight that Dudley (or so Mr Tickles was known in these parts where he was currently lying low from a paternity suit involving a fifty pound sack of flour, a bottle of absinthe, some ostrich feathers, a large economy tub of margarine, twenty five marble (agates) and a set of cojoined triplets named Phyllis) noticed the tumescent green and tender Fava stalks jutting obscenely from his garden.
"Great Caesar's ghost!" he muttered.
"Great Caesar's ghost!" he muttered again as the six foot frame rippling muscles and the fluttering mane of Gunthar burst past him in hot pursuit of the fleeing unicorn.
"Great Caesar's Ghost!" he exclaimed once yet again as he espied the forementioned fleeing unicorn. This could be his lucky day. Mr Tickles was a shrewd dwarf, like our impetuous hero Gunthar, he was well aware of the aphrodisiacal properties that the Air Giants attributed to powdered unicorn horn. He knew the astronomical sums to be had in selling it to them (especially when you cut the ground horn 60% with baby laxative) But unlike Gunthar, Mr Tickles was also aware of the other main virtue of the unicorn vis a vis attracting virgins. (which were getting rather scarce in the immediate area since his arrival what with his easy smile, winning ways and bottomless supply of cheap narcotics.)He grinned secretly at the thought, a slight rustle disturbing the buttons of his green silk breeches like an anaconda turning over in its sleep.
"Great Caesar's Ghost!" he prepared to say a fourth time before being cruelly cut off as the first foul hot wet fart slid from betwixt the buttocks of the first Air Giant and settled across the landscape like sulphurous blanket of rotten eggs and corpses. The next Giant answered him with an oozy clarion trumpet blast of his own that compounded the stench with an indescribable air of ptomaine tainted fish. Still the Giants continued their Fava feast. Mr Tickles could smell the gastrointestinal handwriting on the wall. Quickly he hastened after Gunthar and his quarry before the torrents began.
Meanwhile the third Air Giant let loose with another blast which, creeping silently across the forest glade came upon a simple campfire whereby sat a tired traveling salesman warming up his lonelysupper on his long solitary journey to the twice yearly market around Dimsmoor Castle in the far reaches of Xenacol to trade his meager supply of sardines. The resulting methane explosion burned down three quarters of the noble forest of Ziliicanth is less than thirty seconds.
"Great Caesar's Ghost!" he finally, and for the fourth time, exclaimed. His eyebrows and lashes singed to a crisp, he felt like a freshman in college experimenting with an ungodly ruthless lighter and an unforgiving hookah. All around him, the air was contaminated with the aforementioned filth. Gripping his chest, and feeling the anxiety of an automatic pool cover rolling across the pool he was trapped inside, he darted to and fro. "Ack! Ack!" It was as if the moon had been enveloped in the sea of the sun in a paralax equinox. Darkness descended upon Ziliicanth, and all was silent, save for the rumbling. The incessant rumbling of mystic decay... Pygmoid that he was, he found a minute hole in the otherwise darkened terrain. Up popped a small white hand, beckoning... A - L - I - C - E read the airbrushed nails... Mr. Tickles wasn't quite sure he was seeing clearly, what with his blistered corneas. "Ah hell, and Great Caesar's Ghost..." he muttered, and thus dove headfirst into the shaft. Terri Ahki
Gunthar caught the fairy wind not too far behind Tulip. He was flying along at quite a good pace, when he was caught by the fairy king. He was enchanted and put under a spell, and taken to the great fairy kingdom, north of the blue mountains.
Gunthar slept for several days, and when he woke up he could not remember his name.
Random thoughts would come in his head, and when he chased through his mind for fleeting memories, he lost them all together. Tea
"Ah well" mummbled the barbarian, he was very comfortable where he was, and he could not fathom why he should leave such a wonderful place. He has large fluffy green pillows to lay his head on, little blue fairies come in and washed him every day. They bring him all the most tastiest delights in all the world, no he could not think why he should ever leave.
Sometimes he caught hold of a memory of himself being a great warrior and repected among his kind. The thought would vanish quickly.
Today he looked out the window in his room and saw that it was raining. Yes he remembered rain. "Rain is good" said the barbarian, "I think I will go out today and bathe in the rain." none
The Barbarian went outside, and bathed in the rain. After he had done so, he realised that he had done just that only a few hours earlier.
"Oops," he said.
The dwarf wandered over to Gromar yet agian, and laughed loudly. Gromar picked him up by the scruff of the neck, shaking the...crud out of him. Sniffing Gromar's nose wrinkled.
"Mr tiny annoying critter leave me alone. I think I lost the track of my dinner already. Maybe you would be good in my belly."
Tickling the large pit, his nose stuffed up from a cold from being in the sun too long, his sense of smell was gone. He ran and sat on Gromar's ear before the giant reflexes could react, he whispered.
"Hey giant, you wanna have a lunch of unicorns...and I think they are really good and annoying. I can help you. I have the best eyesight of dwarves. Great Ceasar's ghost you better hurry I see that one ducking behind a cloud!"
Gromar sniffed and then growled.
"That's the one I want. Get him."
"The one that just ducked?"
"Yeah. The one that just," Gromar roared.

Gromar sniffed and then growled.
"That's the one I want. Get him."
"The one that just ducked?"
"Yeah. The one that just," Gromar roared.

Gromar fished around in his pocket and found a lint sticky piece of candy.
"Hey little one, got something sweet fer ya", Gromar was full of himself for he was so clever. Grabbing the little skinny one, by its hairy neck, he sneered with glee, "got something fer ya". He walked to his tent dragging the thing behind him.
Waiting inside the tent was Gromar's twin sister, Grumpthar. She had a pot of boiling water started.
Gromar threw the skinny thing at her feet, scratched his big belly and said, I want the rump, Grumpy. Grumpthar grabbed the thing by its horn and flipped it back and forth, eyeing it. "ya know, Gromar, this thang don't look right healthy, I'm a little afraid of eatin' a thang this nasty lookin."
About that time there was a roar of horses hooves pounding closer closer.
"hang on Grumpy, gotta look out side"
Grumpthar didn't like the looks of this one at all, and she drug it out back and threw it in the pig's pen. She wiped her hands on her apron and grabbed a fat goat as she walked back in. Gromar will never know the difference, she chuckled to herself.
She went to work, killing the goat, skinning it, and cutting it up. She was good at this kind of work. She threw the rump in the boiling water and picked the brain out of the skull. This was Grumpthar's favorite part of any critter.
The pounding of hooves turned out to be a couple of dragons landing a walk down the road. Gromar shielded his eyes as he watched the two dragon riders climb down off the dragons. "What the ... do they want" Gromar's stomach growled, and he was annoyed by the intruders. His first thought was to just eat them, he could grab one in each hand and have their heads bit off before they knew what hit them. "But who were these guys" he thought, he had never had such visitors before and he thought they must think a lot of themselves to walk so freely and boldly in front of a hungry giant on a hungry giant's turf. none
Gromar could tell these guys had an official look to them and that made him even more irritable.
Finally they were close enough to yell to the giant. One spoke "Gromar, we are the dragonriders of the outer world, we are the protectors of the sky and all things magical" Gromar thought "yeah, yeah, yeah, that one doin the talkin smells mighty tasty." He licked his bottom lip.
"Ah sir, you just stole a unicorn outta the sky, and ya gotta give it back, it the rules, you are out of your territory here."
Gromar cannot imagine something so small and vulnerable talking to him like that. He lets out a loud belly laugh, "these humans are so funny."
"Come inside dragonriders, we will have a stien of ale and talk about this"
Gromar cannot hardly believe his good fortune, today he will eat well.
Gromar turns his back on them and walks back into his hut. Instantly he smells the aroma of ....ah unicorn.....ah? Gromar cannot determine at this moment if he smells unicorn or not, he is just hungry and he smells food. Grumpthar is licking her fingers, 'sit down Gromar'she says and throws the whole rump in his bowl and pours soup over it. "Here's ya bread". Gromar turns up the bowl and takes down the whole contents in one easy gulp. He barely has time to enjoy the taste when there is a loud knock at the door. "Almost forgot, Grumpy, 2 humans at the door." The two giants look at each other and giggle. Grumpthar grabs her butcher knife. In a sweet voice, which it not really so sweet, Gomar yells out, "come on it fellas, got ya ale all poured up" and the giant winks at his sister.
The two giants bend down closer to the floor with anticipation. "come on it" the giant impatiently calls out. They wait and then they wait some more. Finally they both stand up and look at each other. All the features on Grumpthar's face and falls and she knows them two humans are not out there anymore.
In a huff Gromar barrels out the door. There are not dragon riders and there are no dragons. "What the...."
Gromar was not happy at all, that one little unicorn did nothing for his hunger.
But then he remembered the unicorn's horn.
It was soft -unlike other unicorn horns. It used to sing to him at night,"Froggy
went a courtin'....sword and pistol by his side...'
'Cut the bugger's throat on Monday...
Had a smoke and watched him die...'
He bled like a slug, gooey and white. Puss oozed from his veins. As he shriveled and withered, I wondered and giggled.
Suddenly, from the thicket,

-- at this point Grunthar awoke from his drug-addled stupor, just in time to view Mr. Tickles, pants-around-his-ankles, priapically tumescent, advancing upon the trussed female unicorn with the madly pinning eyes of sexual desire gone awry.
"Oh, no you don't, tiny man," spake the fume-addled barbarian, "Not in my retirement fund's holy of holies.
The dwarf blushed with the boiled-lobster hue and fuming, frantically excuse-searching, downcast eyes of a naughty child.

In those days there was a venerable folk notion round those parts which held that the man who broke the hymen of a unicorn would be blessed with a unbridled overabundance of sexual energy unto the end of his days, and Grunthar was no stranger to this bit of collective ignorance. Mr. Tickles knew better, but was in no position to use the knowledge to anyone's benefit, yours or mine, ridden as he was his his accursed priapism. Admitting defeat, the dwarf's little head sunk between his little shoulders and he wandered off to assuage his burning passions in a particularly-inviting-looking knothole conveniently nestled 16 inches (dwarf crotch height) up a buxom beech tree at the edge of the glade.
Lucky Pierre
Grunthar, for his own part, threw aside his tattered loincloth and advanced -- with only the worst of intentions -- upon the helpless, whining, well-trussed unicorn. Philip
He was not a romantic man, this Grunthar, but a grimy barbarian from the North who'd been raised by a sentient musk-ox, and who'd learned his rude ways of love by going out with the young musk-ox bulls and copping musk-ox pussy out on the vast tundras of Ostfrigland. He had a thing for grazing animals, and a way with them, and he leaned over and brushed Tulip's forelock out of her eyes and took her horn in one hand while he whisper-hissed into the little unicorn's ear, "It gon' be alllllll right, baby. You jes' relax and let y'old uncle Grunthar take care o' business..."
Somewhere, far away, up in Care Bear Land, a shrill alarm began to sound the Unicorn Defilement Alert. It was a Code Red, and all the little Care Bears leapt up from their loving work -- painting the colors into the rainbow, making the sun shine and the pretty flowers grow, entertaining young children the world over during the otherwise-terrible-sad hours when neither Barney nor Pokemon were on TV -- and raced to their Care Bear stations.
But it was too late. As they looked on in horror, Grunthar stood up and back from his work, his passion spent. The little unicorn sobbed. Mr. Tickles' clublike appendage had gotten stuck in the knothole, and he was having a terrible, splintery time getting it out, and the shocked Care Bears, misinterpreting this situation due to the shitty reception on their video monitors, prepared to go save the nasty little dwarf from his predicament. They pushsed the big green button shaped like a yummy gumdrop, and instantly the Magic Rainbow Bridge -- which the Great White Wizard had made for them after he got fired from the Smurfs for... well, another day for that story -- the Magic Rainbow Bridge spanned the cosmic gulf between their world and the world of Mr. Tickles and Grunthar, and they leapt on and slid down it and landed in a heap in the middle of the bloodstained glade.
what happened then he did not believe.he saw a sniper in the tree none
A snipper, a sniper, a green and yellow viper.
I wrote a letter to my friend and put it in a ratchet.
A richet-a ratchet, a green and yellow hatchet.
I buried it in Ms. Mufti's head, and giggled 'til she patched it.
'she patched it she patched it..
O what a patch it was
green and yellow, green and yellow
creamy and puffy like a marshmellow
like a marshmellow, like a marshmellow,
Mr Tickles is a marshemellow'

-- sang a vexed Mr. Tickles, to the tune of "Rumplestiltskin", but like the famously trapped Chinese monkey, his efforts to extricate his penis from the knothole in the tree served only to further trap it -- the poor swollen member was as studded with splinters as a pincushion, and the poor dwarf's head simply reeled with involuntary fantasies of amputation, when the little green paw tapped him gently on the knee.
"Jergens?" piped the wee voice of Sparkle Bear.
Mr. Tickles looked around -- he was surrounded by dozens of Care Bears!
Mr. Tickles hoped against hope that the fuzzy, all-too-saccharine clan would not think him overly depraved for getting himself into such a situation. As his member trobbed excruciatingly, he smiled as he thought of how to word his plead for help. Amber
Mr. Tickles hoped against hope that the fuzzy, all-too-saccharine clan would not think him overly depraved for getting himself into such a situation. As his member trobbed excruciatingly, he smiled as he thought of how to word his plead for help. Amber
Mr. Tickles hoped against hope that the fuzzy, all-too-saccharine clan would not think him overly depraved for getting himself into such a situation. As his member trobbed excruciatingly, he smiled as he thought of how to word his plead for help. Amber
Mr. Tickles hoped against hope that the fuzzy, all-too-saccharine clan would not think him overly depraved for getting himself into such a situation. As his member trobbed excruciatingly, he smiled as he thought of how to word his plead for help. Amber
He shut his eyes to aid in organizing his thoughts. When he reopend his eyes he found himself alone. "The Pain is making me halucinate!!!" he screamed. Care bears? Maybe it was all the LSD. But who the hell cares about LSD flashbacks when your cock is stuck in a hole? Amber
Braveheart Bear cocked his head inquisitively at the struggling dwarf's bizarre actions. What was he trying to convey? Real-life situations were hard for a little Care Bear; they were very nearly plotless, and riddled with ambiguities which undermined everything they worked so hard to do on their TV show. Real life is for the Teletubbies, thought brave little Braveheart Bear. He took out his patented Carephone and put in a call to Strawberry Shortcake. She and the Berrykins would know what to do, and if that didn't work, there was always the Barneyline. Philip
You have reached the voicemail of Strawberry Shortcake," came the message loud and shrill into Braveheart Bear's little ear. "No one is here to answer your call. Please leave a message after the beep, or you can page me at 678-579-0026. Have a nice day." Philip
A faction of the other attendant Care Bears -- including Snuggle Bear, Marshmallow Bear, Rainbow Bear, Huggy Bear, Love Bear, Piddly Bear, Spank Me Bear, and Borborigmy Bear -- had poured 20 or so gallons of Care Bear Lotion into knotholes higher up the tree than the one Mr. Tickles was stuck in -- soon the trunk of the hollow tree was filled with hand lotion to a height of three feet, and the creamy lotion seep out of the base of the tree and pooled around their feet and the Care Bears kept slipping in it and falling into each other and sliding into Mr. Tickles, causing the poor dwarf's abused member to strain against the splintery knothole, and causing the origination of many new, foul expletives and curses from his strained vocal cords. And weren't those a funny bunch of Care Bears! Slipping and sliding on the ground like a bunch of silly monkeys! It was time for a song: Felchy Bear

"We don't understand the reasons
behind your dis-may,
but it's a proven fact the Care-ing makes
erections go a-way...

So here's some care, for you, dear Sir,
some hugs and love and smiles and luck --
our Care Bears rainbow care with free you
from that tree you had to go and--"

"AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" screamed Mr. Tickles as the Care Bears enclosed him in a giant, snuggley Group Hug. And then -- as if possessed of a mind of its own -- instead of shrinking, the lusty dwarf's poor schlong responded to the presence of all those warm, soft, intimately proximate Care Bear fingers and limbs by growing still larger, more engorged with blood, straining so hard against the knothole that long lowing deep-sea groans reverberated through the hollow tree, shaking its ganrled old branches and causing jets of Care Bear lotion to squirt out of adjacent knotholes in the tree.
Meanwhile, Tulip, the rudely deflowered little unicorn, lay bound and whimpering softly in a pool of blood, sweat and dirt. And not only that, but Grunthar's loathsome defilement of her nether regions had had the worst possible effect -- poor Tulip had lost her vestal purity, her essential unicorniness, and was now reverting, devolving into a common nag. Her slender, once-formidably sharp horn was now softening, sweating and melting like cheese left out in a heatwave. And she knew in her little heart of hearts that when Grunthar realized this, realized that she would no longer be making him his fortune from the Air-Giants, that she should expect no mercy from the barbarian. Tears welled afresh in her deep brown eyes. And the Care Bears hadn't even noticed her. Min T. Fresh
Sparkle Bear, meanwhile, whose turn it was to man the Care-phone, had been on hold at the Barneyline for 45 minutes. A prerecorded spoke into his ear at 20-second intervals... "Please continue to hold... All calls are answered in the order they are received in... Your call is important to Barney... Your call may be monitored or recorded to assist in customer service compliancy... Please continue to hold..." followed by a jingly sound-loop of Barney's famous "I love you" theme song. That song ab-so-luminently sucks compared to our Care Bears theme, thought Sparkle Bear, and then his eyes went wide and he clapped a hand over his mouth in shock! What had that silly Bear done? Why, he had just thunk the very first uncaring thought of his little life!And do you know what else? Deep inside Sparkle Bear's heart of hearts that selfish little dig at the pudgy purple dinosaur who was supposed to be Sparkle Bear's friend and ally in the endless battle against the forces of rudeness, selfishness, and uncaringness, that mean little inner aside felt GOOD. Real good, in fact.
And then -- "Hello," spoke a voice into his ear; "You've reached the Barneyline. My name is Mrs. Hickey, and how may Barney help you today?"
"What are you wearing, Mrs. Hickey ... you vixen you." Sparkle Bear grinned. vanblah
"Excuse me?" shrieked the uncomprehending Customer Service Representative on the other end of the line. "This the Barneyline, for goodness' sake, what do you think I'm wearing? I'm wearing a purple dinosaur suit. Jeez..."
"Of course, of course," sputtered Sparkle Bear, catching himself up. Mustn't burn our bridges, he told himself. "Thousand pardons, Mrs. Hickey."
"Well. Well then, now, what can Barney, Inc. do for you today?"
"We have a situation. Code Red Heresy. Unicorn Defloration. Successfully completed."
He could hear the woman gasp. "That's -- that's never happened before. That's --"
"About the most exciting thing you've ever heard? Mrs. Hickey ..." Sparkle Bear finshed for her. "Go on, admit it ... you love it when I talk like that. What kind of a name is Hickey anyway, and you call yourself a child's TV show." Sparkle Bear just couldn't help himself, he kept saying things now that made no sense. vanblah
"Yeah, it was a human. Big hairy guy's passed out now, but he's hung like a goddamned bull yak! He fucked the living shit outta her, too..." Sparkle Bear's voice trailed off. That little Care Bear just could not believe the words that had come out of his own mouth. There was an unreleased episode of the Care Bears show featuring the important message about caring for those less fortunate than ourselves, those with embarrassing diseases like Tourette's syndrome, and Sparkle Bear suddenly felt like the man in the show, the man with those curious, constant tics who'd walked around muttering Fuck! Shitfuck! Fuck 'em fuck shit cock piss! Shitty piss fuck cock! Cock a doodle do! Cock a doodle don't! Cock in a doodly donut! Fuck!
And then he found that he was voicing these same thoughts to Mrs. Hickey, the Barneyline CSR, causing the poor old woman such distress that she began to sing Barney's "I Love You" song like a mantra to ward off evil, and then Sparkle Bear heard her drop the phone.
What trouble would that silly bear cause next? Read on, dear reader, and see.
Shamrock Squid
Finally it dawned on Sparkle Bear. His temperament had been changing ever since the defilement of the unicorn. Maybe, just maybe, if they could get the unicorn to a doctor he could somehow, through the wonderful means of modern biomechanics create for the unicorn a new hymen. Yes! A BIONIC HYMEN. Capable of ... capable of ... hmmmmm .... vanblah

...but then it struck Sparkle Bear that that was just a dream, and that even unto the magical Care Bears have certain things been denied, by the very Gods, and that one of these things was cross-network travel. Oh, how the burgeoning character of Sparkle Bear had thrilled to the sight of strapping, jumpsuited Lee Majors in The Six Million Dollar Man each week during his formidable years... How he had dreamt of being the Six Million Dollar Care Bear... but when he revealed this dream to Wise Bear, his teahcer at Care Academy, he was sent forthwith to the headmaster's office for a brutal caning and a 14-hour lecture about how Money Was the Root of All Evil and he was enevr, ever to mention "six million dollars" again...
But the Bear was the the root of supreme goodness as well as the evil. As it started to relish the newfound goodness it had found, it was stuck down Frodis
Out of the forest green, charged Mama Bear. She found her little bear by the road, disheveled, but still alive. Mama Bear rose with fire in her eyes.
She has struck down evil before and she will do it again. With the power of a thousand bear claws, a mighty roar comes deep from Mama Bear's belly.

..."Und you say you had zis fantasy -- zis shall-we-say Summoning of ze archetypal Mama-Bear-- every time you had social interactions mit eine Frau? With a woman?" -- Years later, deep in the thralls of psychoanalysis, a very, very different Sparkle Bear would have to nod his head and wryly smile...

But back in the present, the Carephone commenced to ring, and when Sparkle Bear looked down into the Caller ID screen, whose name should he see but that of the previously unavailable Strawberry Shortcake.

What do you think that angelic little lady and her mouthwatering Berrykins had been up to?
"Hiiiiiii, Sparkle Bear," purred Strawberry Shortcake's in the Care Bear's little ear. "Whash -- hic! -- up?"
He could hear giggling and snorting sounds in the background, and the unmistakeable voice of a wee Berrykins shouting what sounded like my panties, my panties...
"Strawberry Shortcake...?" asked Sparkle Bear. "What's -- going -- on -- over --there? Didn't you receive the Code Red Unicorn Defilement Alert?" Sparkle Bear felt all hot and itchy. He was confused. Here he was, speaking to his trusted friend and ally Strawberry Shortcake in a voice laced with suspicion, and yet there spoke, very clearly inside his mind, a second voice which said quite simply I'd like be the one to set off the Code Red Strawberry Shortcake Defilement Alert...
Sparkle Bear cleared his throat, "Say there, Strawberry, I sure would like to get with you ... if you know what I mean."
Strawberry Shortcake took a step back, "No, I'm afraid I don't," she had suddenly gone very sober.
"Mon homme bel, viennent et injectent de la cocaïne avec nous!" whispered Strawberry Shortcake into Sparkle Bear's ear. "J'en frotterai sur l'extrémité de votre pénis, et le lèche hors fonction."
Sparkle Bear grew speechless as in his mind he slowly translated her sibillant French (almost word-by-word, as he'd painfully learned to do during the long, exhausting filming of Les Ours-de-Soin dans Paris) -- cocaine? on the headofhispenis? It was all he could do to mutter a weak, defeated "Mon dieu."

"Vous sains épuisés, Sparkle Bear! Un tour en the Strawberryplane vous aura ici dans un moment." Her voice was like a magnet. "I'm sending it now. You should see it in a second." Philip
"Bien, bien, venez m'obtiennent," he assented.
"Qui s'inquiète d'un vieil UD-Alert méchant, quoi qu'il en soit?" she asked, and Sparkle Bear heard the sound of a cigarette being lit at the other end of the Care phone and he heard her blow out the smoke with exaggerated cynicism and very briefly there flashed through his mind a memory of the happy days when they'd shot a Care Bears and Strawberry Shortcake present... anti-smoking TV-spot together and she had been so young, with already that mad gleam in her eye which no amount of vaseline on the camera-lens could ever quite cover up.
And as soonas he'd thought it -- almost in assent to the very thought -- the Strawberryplane appeared in the sky over the glade and began to descend.

In the liminal moment, as the plane entered the glade, a somewhat nauseating odor permeated the air... it was a sweetly rotten smell, one of fruit salad left to dehydrate on a sunny summer picnic bench. It was cloying, yet somehow reassuring to Sparkle Bear. Despite himself, his LoveSausage began to twitch and throb. Quickly pirouetting, he sprung into a Cachucha to welcome the oncoming plane. As the Strawberryplane came to a halt, the doors, shaped in the form of a large, rose-hued vulva, sprung open.
Sparkle Bear gasped as he was walloped in the fuzzy face with a silver, spangled T-backed thong. The front, made to support his Cock-a-doodle-do-me with the added benefit of vibrating Mexican Jumping Beans tucked inside at .25" intervals, read Sparkle Bare. It was shocking, it was sordid.. it was just what Sparkle Bear needed. He looked up, just in time to see a descending crotch swing from the door. You know the type, spaces for legs, splayed in cardinal directions. Swing in, wham bam, thank you Ma'am. Swing out, ah baby, that's what it's about.
Without a glance back at the carnage, Sparkle Bear stepped into the thong, jumped into the swing, legs facing East and West, tallywhacker dangling, and shining silver in the sunlight and rose amidst strawberry giggles into the plane.
Cooper J.
So the head care, Bobo-bob, bear decided to breath new life into their boring story. He decided to cut off his feet and hang them from his ears. At first this raised much suspision in the care bear community. "Where did Bobo-bob get those chic new earings" everyone wondered. The bloody trail was a dead giveaway. Bobo-bob had been foot chopping!! This addictive practice was eradicated a long time ago after a very dark period in the Care Bear comminity. Now it was returning. Soon more and more people were foot chopping, some advanced to arm chopping, head chopping, even ear chopping!!! Care Bear Lair
Suddenly, the narrator spoke. "You can't hijack Katherine Dunn. This has been done before. Try another strategy. Read Geek Love. It's a great book." And with that, the weird voice echoed away, and all was silent again. They all looked at one another, completely baffled at the voice. Where had it come from? Who was it? Playja Rism
With a heavy heart, I wandered away, the clicking of my heels not matching my demeanor of melancholy. "You bastard," I whispered to the empty sky, "wrap me up like a little teabag. Call me your little O, your earth." But I knew that it didn't matter anymore. Kyra
With a heavy heart, I wandered away, the clicking of my heels not matching my demeanor of melancholy. "You bastard," I whispered to the empty sky, "wrap me up like a little teabag. Call me your little O, your earth." But I knew that it didn't matter anymore. Kyra
All that mattered was I was still alive and I could still use the phone.
Pulling it out of my coat pocket I called my editor and told him what had just happened. "Get yourself together and get down here pronto" was all he had to say. I wiped the tears off my face with my dirty sleeve, stood up straight and deaded downtown to my office.
The night was still cold and damp but that didn't seem to matter any more. Suddenly the sky lit up like a tourch, I hide my eye's from the amazing glare. It was as bright as a mid summers day apart from the fact that it was nearly 11.00pm and early November. I squinted up to see what was making this amazing light and ther is was ... a spaceship kate
containing a hundred naked women, all wanting me to service them. How could I resist dishing out a large portion.I lasted all night as usual and soon needed a pint of lager and Todd
containing a hundred naked women, all wanting me to service them. How could I resist dishing out a large portion.I lasted all night as usual and soon needed a pint of lager and Todd
containing a hundred naked women, all wanting me to service them. How could I resist dishing out a large portion.I lasted all night as usual and soon needed a pint of lager and Todd
and a toothpick. The one next to me had long red hair and somehow I got strands of it interlocked in my teeth. I was soon rested and prepared for another squish
when my lawn lit up like daylight and a loud high pitched screeching noise tore my brain inside out. Sirens were going off all over the neighborhood. The ground was shaking...or the house, I don't know. The noise was deafening and nerve shattering. My throat was tight and I could barely breathe. All of a sudden the windows in my house imploded, glassing breaking everywhere. I thought I could hear screaming coming from somewhere close. Tearing at my hair, I ran from my house. On my lawn I found squish
grass. Big, pointy, blades of grass. Glistening green in the light of the fire. What the Hell did you expect, I thought, it's a fucking lawn. Beetles stared up at me with alien expressions on their carapice ridden faces. Maybe they could help me, maybe they would think I was their king, being so much bigger than they. Or maybe not. Does an ant look up to a beetle? Does a sperm look up to an ant? Of course not. The beetles look down on me and I should fear them. No time for a pitched battle with invertebrates now, had to get out of there. Vaulting over the fence, I ran towards the screaming I had heard. Somebody, somewhere, was in worse shit than me and I suddenly wanted to know all about it. Too right they were in worse shit, this guy had argued with a downright arrogant centipede and was paying dearly. I ran towards my car, and, in my panic, realsied that the keys were back in the flaming house. I guess this means we get on like a house on fire, right! No time for cars, no time for confusion. I needed transport and I wasn't in the paying mood that keeps those damn charities going. Only one way to leave in a hurry a this time of night from this city, the state things were in. I was going to have to pay a visit to the Headless Horseman. weirddepthmaster and scrawls naked
"The insanity had gripped me, I thought I lost my head. The ironic thing is I lost something but it wasn't my head! Yeah baby, the other white meat. You know he really had ate his own head. now that is what I call a crazy canniball. I knew that ever since I started seeing things like giant mushrooms with gaint yellow teeth and U.F.Os that there was something wrong. Usaully what I saw was guys wearing only spandex underwear. I once showed with my clothes on with my carebear sitting on the sink and watching. He's a frisky little critter. Mr. Honky cause of that weird birthmark on his stomach. Anyways, I was so powerful could do anything but no guy looked at me like I was pretty and sexy and stuff you know. It was awful I had no appeal to males at all. But somehow it was good. I dunno what is wrong with me doctor."
The Pink Elephant with large rainbow-colored butterfly wings looked over to Tulip, with one of those giant pencils you can win at the carnival gripped in his trunk. He pushed up the ugly orange sunglasses up past his ears, long lashes fluttering.
"Wady, woo wave weally wig woblems...Weally warge, Why eye wind woo wery wa wative win wa way."
She screamed at his high pitched voice. She couldn't stand the cuteness any longer...

...These, then, were the thoughts that flitted through the dying Tulip's head, there in the glade. Deflowered by that brute of a barbarian, bereft of her unicornness, the poor like thing had already devolved into a mere nag, all angles and bones, too skinny and sickly even to drag a makeshift plow through the poorest serf's vegetable garden. Visions of rainbow pink elephants flitted through a defeated consciousness which was already becoming this world's equivalent of an old, rabbit-eared General Electric b/w television set with bad reception, the kind you put out on the curb on trash night and it's actually still there the following morning for the garbagemen to toss into the back of their truck with a great clatter-crash-ching, used-up cathode rays ascending upwards like Christian souls to heaven... When Tulip saw Grunthar approaching with an oversized ball-peen hammer, then, she didn't even struggle.
Drunk as he was on frothing, honey-sweet mead, Grunthar's anger was too white-hot to be dispelled by mere alcohol. He couldn't fucking believe it! How was he supposed to have known the Gods had set him up as a fool? Who'd ever told him that to deflower a unicorn would render impure the magic which made it just that, a unicorn, and that it would revert into a useless horse? He swung his booted leg back and dealt the dying unicorn a vicious kick in the ribs. "Lost my fucking fortune, didja? I'll show ya, ya fucking cunt! I'll fucking show ya!" Tulip's black eye fluttered helplessly in its socket like a spangled fritillary on an electrical fence wire. Flecks of bloody spittle clung round the edges of her mouth, drawing ants from the needle-strewn forest floor. from her forehead there hung limply the melting thing that has once been her proud horn, now coming apart and clotting and burring in Tulip's forelock. "FUUUUUUUCK!!!" screamed Grunthar and kicked her again -- this time so hard that the cracking of ribs was audible -- as if he could by force of anger turn back the clock and undo what he had done. I'd need the Witch of Endor for that, he cursed, shaking his head, then brought the hammer down hard on Tulip's temple. Philip
Nothing was felt, like a a black hole embraced her. Looking upwards there was a large anvil floating there. The one you pound on for all etertiny after you die and go to the torturous oblivion of the bad place. I must of been terrible to end up in hell, wonder what is the rubber smell? Looking up Tulip sees that it is really a giant rubber hammer over her.
Grunthar looked down at the now horse woman.
"Why not you dead? Me use wrong mallet! Stay here while I get the right one."
Tulip ran off into a ring of glaring teethy mushrooms, entering into a patch of odorific flowers. She thought to herself: I rather be in hell then here.
The poor little unicorn had time for one final reflection then -- to the effect that the absurdity of mortality was one-upped only by the absurdity of our final thoughts -- and then she was dead.
Now where did that little dwarf go? thought Grunthar. With the situation in its present configuration -- present fucking shitty-ass rotten situation -- I sure wouldn't take no offense to letting that funny little fellow have a bit o' unicorn tail. Dead unicorn tail, that is. And then his terrible booming Jolly Green Giant laughter sent whole treefulls of birds shooting up into the air, before resettling on their quivering branches. Grunthar looked up. But he'll have to be quick about it, he thought, having duly noted the foursome of turkey vultures which had already gathered above, circling, circling lower, and still lower.
Grunthar didn't really care for turkey vultures. He took aim with a rock, splat-thud as the creature fell. Grunthar carefully tucked it into his belt. He really didn't care for the taste of the buggars, but desparate times lay ahead. Teresa
He gave Tulip's corpse one final, irritated kick, then turned on his booted and set off in the direction he'd seen Mr. Tickles head off in. Philip
The corpse which probably was not really a corpse anyway stared into the cloud-filled sky with a peculiar mix of disdain and sadness. vanblah
Angels decended down a stairway, picking up the dead body lifting it on high and singing together in a sort of monotone way:
"Death, death death and destruuuction. Your going to die and your going to be dead, maybe from diease or a bullet in your head. Forget about mass production. Everyone is prone to death and destruction.Death...death death and de-stuuurct-tion!"
A screen lowered down from the sky, showing pictures of depressing times. A man holding a bloody knife sulking out of a tool shed. A frozen body found in the snow. A guy telling her that he had AIDS. The doctor passing out cold in front of her.A man with a bull's head taking advantage of a unicorn.
The screen covered in fog, and a light began to shine bright in the eye.
"Ooowww bright lights, I am turning into a pile of ash..EEeeee."
Meanwhile in a far off land, a purty, purty princess lay back, completely exhausted with the effort of pleasuring herself. In her mind's eye, the last image of a wee stroke of a man, (our Mr. Tickles, to the unbeknowing) scampered off with a giggle. She was spent, having hit orgasm 47 times to the image of our fine, feathered, fingering friend. It was a rare night, rare indeed, and she rolled off her duvet to chug down a tankard of meade. Soft and honeyed, it slithered down her throat, reminding her of a moment, lost in time, with her beloved dwarf. She giggled at the memory. No man, no human, for that matter, could fill her mouth with such delicious foam. He was a wonder. And for that, she wondered where he was. She remembered what he had let glibly slip before darting off before her father entered her chambers for his nightly snog. "If ever you should wish for my services, principesa mia, simply bare your bosoms and your comely haunches, consume a gallon of meade and release your beauteous vapor essences into the night aire. I'll capture that scent on the southern wind, and be here in the wink of a newt's eye." "Great galloping bison," she thought, "maybe it's worth a try." Terri Ahki
But on second thought the wise Tulip flew off into the night. "Business to attend" thought Tulip. She had left her elderly grandmother at the apartment alone and Tulip was worried. Landing on the patio, Tulip was as quiet as a mouse as she let herself in the back door. The house was all dark except for Granny's bedroom. Tulip leaned against the door to listen and she could hear heavy grunting. "Granny?", Tulip became afraid. She listened a little while longer and decided that she must open the door.
Tulip decided the best way was just barge in which she did. Tulip found Granny tied to the bedposts and a large ugly bull man, wearing gold chains was standing over her. He was speaking in a strange tongue and burning incense. The room smelled funny and Granny was gagged. The bull man looked up at Tulip and licked his lips. "I must be brave" Tulip thought as she charged on the bull man. Within seconds she was on top of the bull man kicking and punching him. The bull man tossed her aside like a wet cloth and picked up a crowbar beside him. He swung it over his head and was bringing in down on Tulip's silver head when the glass shattered with a loud bang. The bull man grunted, spit out blood and fell over forward.
But on second thought the wise Tulip flew off into the night. "Business to attend" thought Tulip. She had left her elderly grandmother at the apartment alone and Tulip was worried. Landing on the patio, Tulip was as quiet as a mouse as she let herself in the back door. The house was all dark except for Granny's bedroom. Tulip leaned against the door to listen and she could hear heavy grunting. "Granny?", Tulip became afraid. She listened a little while longer and decided that she must open the door.
Tulip decided the best way was just barge in which she did. Tulip found Granny tied to the bedposts and a large ugly bull man, wearing gold chains was standing over her. He was speaking in a strange tongue and burning incense. The room smelled funny and Granny was gagged. The bull man looked up at Tulip and licked his lips. "I must be brave" Tulip thought as she charged on the bull man. Within seconds she was on top of the bull man kicking and punching him. The bull man tossed her aside like a wet cloth and picked up a crowbar beside him. He swung it over his head and was bringing in down on Tulip's silver head when the glass shattered with a loud bang. The bull man grunted, spit out blood and fell over forward.
For a brief moment, Tulip regained semi-consciousness. She was so very thirsty. She tried to lift her head and succeeded, so she wasn't dead after-all. What a strange hallucination, she thought, what could it mean? The bull-man, her grandmother and vanblah
Tulip is dead. Death is final. No character out of H.P. Lovecraft will reanimate her in some bizarre experiment. She is dead. D - E - A - D. Tulip is an ex-unicorn. Nothing will bring her back to life. This is a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. Get over it. Ed Poot

...leaving the glade, the sight Grunthar came upon -- Mr. Tickles and the Care Bears and the lake of Care Lotion around the tree -- was enough to make him wonder if the loaf of rye he'd gobbled for breakfast hadn't been infected with ergot fungus, the dreaded "St. Anthony's Fire."
Gruthar grunted. He lifted up his mighty hammer and squeezed it. --Squueeeeekkkkkkkkk- Grunting and cursing, he reaches into his belt picking up a mallet. Gripping it he squints at the care bear group, and smiles toothlessly.
"Grunthar hate Car Bear. World be more fun without sappiness. Me crush Carebears!"
Whacking the mallet around madly, a rainbow of scattering carebears formed in the clouds. Grunthar laughed.
"This is even better than a bowl of unicorns!"
A loud stomping was heard, and the sight of wiggling yellow snakes riding on a large pink boat was beheld by Grunthar. As it moved closer he saw it was his old flame Lu-lu belle with a andvil on her shoulder. She grunted:
"Grunthar you should be ashamed of picking on cute little critters!"
Grunthar felt a slight tingling below his loincloth. If he had been a better educated Barbarian the Freudian implications of a large pink boat filled with snakes would have smacked him across the forehead harder than a frozen mackeral. But simple sinewy hard bitten Barbarian he was, he simply was momentarily confused as images of his dear departed mother flickered across his mind briefly before Lu-lu Belle asserted her musky presence fully to his conscious mind.
Beyond her Mr Tickles giggled as the ever unwary and oh so helpful CareBears slathered him stem to stern in luscious lotion. "Oh ho!" he laughed, my skin is so dry and chafed, especially there and there and there..." And without an unkind word or complaint the CareBears went about their business.
"Grunthar, why do you bother with those damn bears? They're chewy and dry no matter how you cook them. Their pelts are worthless. (What kind of pansy Barbarian wears a pastel loincloth?) And they aren't even fun to torture. Always giving you helpful tips to maximize your pain quotient, which kind of sucks all the joy out of the thing. Come now with Lu-lu Belle, she has an itch you can scratch."
"Wait a second, you lumbling larmouts.. this is MY story. MINE MINE MINE MINE." screamed the breathless purty Princess. What the hell had happened? She had been happily ensconced in the memory of her dear Mr. Tickles, when all of a sudden, her revery was blasted by those fucking bears again. "No, no, no, no, no... " she shrieked. "No more Grunthar fucking twigs, no more Care Bears lathering up everything within arms reach. No more StrawberryfuckingShortbreadCakeCookieWhateverTheFuckItWas.. NO MORE. " I want my fucking story NOW." God forbid you were in her room at the moment, as chastity belts hit the wall and shattered. Meade flagons flew out the window to punctuate her rage. "This is MY FUCKING STORY NOW! And I want the last word! I'm the GODDAMNED PRINCESS!!!!!" Bite me, you anus flea.
"Ok princess, sing your sad song for us again", echoed the weary group of travelers from Earth. They had all been locked in the same small room for hours. Martha thought to herself, I would have to be locked up with a god damn weirdo, while the other god damn weirdo is rrobbing this bank. I have the worst luck. Why doesn't that strange unicorn girl shut up." Marty
"I wish I had more mealie grubs" said THe strange unicorn girl, rattling the long gold chain hanging round her neck. BigMatt
Lu-lu belle looked at the Strawberry(bleeping)princess and turned up her nose. Swaying her hips her belly button shaking under fat, she holllered. Grunthar widened his eyes, little droplets of drool trickled under his lip. Lu-lu bell winked and tossed her purse towards Miss Strawberry.
"You just jealous because me is so much more beautiful than you are. I am the most lovely giant in the land. It is almost a curse to look like this and have trolls of men stare at your body!"
Strawberry sniffed:
"You wish, I bet you that I could get Grunthar into my love nest!"
Lulubelle laughed:
"You have one? Well then the deal is on sweetheart!"
Chapter II
Later that week Grunthar and a bartender are speaking .
"Gruthar, you sure have been getting the eye from these ladies at either end of the bar."
"Thats ok bartender" ,says Grunthar "I have a lair full of women at my command , and anyhow word 'round the trailer park is dat ole Strawbury gerl has herpes ,but I hear dat dim fat chicks kin duck a mean sick if yuh falluh me . "Hehe yes sir, I tell yuh what " responds the barkeep .I've had my share uh those."
D. Snuttz
Cyndy Wynd was at one end of the bar, laughing and giggling with her friends.
They were talking about Grunthar. "He's such a loser", said one girl. They all laughed out loud.
"He always stinks" said another. "He has some crazy idea he's a good lover",
Cyndy said giggling. That brought another round of hysterical laugher.
The girls gathered in close and decided to play a trick on Grunthar.
Cyndy stood up and straightened her dress and walked over to Grunthar. "Hey good looking" Cyndy said.
Grunthar looked up with his red watering eyes, "uh ya talking to me?"
Meade was running down his chin and his odor was more than Cyndy could bear.
Grunthar turned back around, his nose falling into his mug.
"Hmmm", Cyndy thought she better not try her plan, Grunthar was too gross today.
He looked up out of his beer and realized he must act fast. billgates
The girls paid their bills and left the bar.
Outside in the parking lot was a beautiful white unicorn. The girls had never seen anything like this before. Cyndy walked up to the unicorn and it winked at her. Surprised Cyndy jumped back and tripped over a beer can. Somehow she cut her finger. The unicorn bowed its head forward and touched her finger.
In a twinkling the injury was gone.
Stunned Cyndy stood up and the unicorn began talking.
"The barbarian inside raped me and I want revenge", the unicorn said.
"I will help you" Cyndy told the unicorn.
"Come with me and we can talk".
The unicorn got into the jeep with Cyndy.
They drove back to the city and went to Cyndy's house.
First thing the unicorn said, "Can I take a shower?"
Cyndy said "Sure Can, in fact I will bathe with you!"
"I think I will set up the cam corder so we can watch ourselves bathing later, wont' that be fun". The unicorn winked and turned on the shower.
Soon lavendar scented bubbles filled the bathtub. Cyndy turned to the camera
and smiled. "Let me scrub your back", she said.
Grunthar took a sip of his grog relaxing unknowing of what was going outside. Strawberry rubbed up agianst his giant hairy leg and purred like a kitty cat. He looked down and grabbed on her chin.
"Hey freak me hates cuteness. Leave me alone. I don't know why Lulubelle decided to come here after what happened between us."
He sighed, and gulped down twenty more grogs in a row. Strawberry grabbed onto a leg hair and pulled, growling under her breath. Grunthar swatted at her, swizzling beers with his other hand. Strawberry climbed up the hairs of his leg, working up to his lap.
"Come on you sexy giant you, let me help you forget all your troubles."
"Strawberries belong in a patch" thought Tulip as she strolled along the path.
Her new best friend was walking beside her and stroking her beautiful white mane. Her new friend's name is Cyndy and they are going to be the new female crime fighting team. One of the first things on their agenda was to waste Grunthar. They were out in country looking for special weapons.
Grunthar, the Ugly, had finally laid down on his feather bed, falling into a deep slumber instantly.
Outside his window were Cyndy and Tulip. They had a good strong rope and were attempting to attach it just above Grunthar's window in his spacious palace.
Cyndy said she would go first and started the long climb. Tulip was fidgety and rocking back and forth on all four hoofs.
Finally Cyndy reached the window and climbed on the ledge. She motioned for Tulip to come on up.
Climbing ropes is difficult for a unicorn but Tulip finally made it.
Cyndy already had the window opened and they both crawled in. Tulip sniffed the air as she entered, "I think his bathtub is in that room" she said. Cyndy pulled up the rope. "Let's get him tied up."
The two companions stood back and admired their work. There was no way Grunthar was leaving that bed.
Grunthar strained and strained, and then Earl came in and rescued the little dragonfly that was about to get crushed by Gunthar's thrashings. dennyboy
Grunthar strained and strained, and then Earl came in and rescued the little dragonfly that was about to get crushed by Gunthar's thrashings. dennyboy
Earl missed beging a pancake by two inches. The dragonfly buzzed, growing to the size of a dragon. Earl blinked, but saw many stranger things happen in his lifetime. The large dragonfly flitted its wings, and somehow he could understand.
"Thank you, for saving me. Now we must end, this giant's treachery. Take the pointed end off my face, and stab his eye....the po.."
Grunthar took out a large flyswatter, and whacked at the bug and the boy.
"Me hate pest, me hate pests! I do my best to kill em..and theI will grill um. Piping hot nice and warm, fill the tummy in a storm. I will kill and eat um, after I heat em..."
Orange streaks of light poured over the valley, as the sun rose for the first time today. Tiny earth children began to awake. The professor looked down on his work and smiled.
This was his world and he made it. He was a God here and he loved it.
Little lights began to flicker in the little houses. There was movement about the city. The professor sat down in his chair and watched his city come alive.
Puer: O magister ,videsne stellas in caelo?
Magister: Video. Nam stellae nautis vias bonas dant. Si stellas non vident, nautae errabunt.
Puer: Videsne illas stellas in caelo?
Magister: Non stellas video, sed bestias. Vide, bestia parva magnum mordere et captare sperat. Alias stellas non totum annum in caelo videmus, sed illae bestiae semper circum polum errant. Nautae vias tenebunt si illas bestias videbunt.
Puer: Cur parva bestia magnum bestiam captare optat?
Magister: Olim parva bestia venator fuit. Fuit et filius bestiae magnae, sed hoc factum non vidit. Uno die magnam bestiam in agro vidit. Optivit venator bestiam necare. Dei timuerunt. Filium igitur et matrem in caelum moverunt. Nunc illas bestias in caelo videmus, ubi circum polum errant.

Bestiam vinculis liberabo. Let the story rest.
Please let this be the end. It's gone to a point of reader's malaise. (eec)
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you never say anything that anyone can understand" Cyndy said. She threw the rest of her belongings in a bag and put on her heavy coat.
She had enough of these guys and she was leaving with Tulip to see the world.
The toilets in Saint David’s high school were cleaned every day with the most powerful detergent allowed, but only in the boys’ toilets. Girls’ toilets were cleaned every day with a mild soap. The difference is this: Girls have manners.
Every day the boys’ toilets would be stained with urine, faeces, vomit, seamen and god knows what else. Today was going to be different.
The last drop of urine fell from Adam’s penis. He looked away. After urinating, it was always unsightly. He took off his shirt to reveal his body. A flat, pale abdomen. The most striking part of his body above his abdomen was an injury over the lower chest, spanning the size of the rib that it marked. It was more a gash than a scar. Red pressed in, some in shadow. Adam breathed in, an index finger hovering above the injured rib. His eyes were brown, and slightly dilated with knowing what was coming. He smiled when he heard the sound of scar tissue breaking. In addition, the feeling of warmth on his finger. It was now hiding the first knuckle. His teeth clenched in excitement. He was suddenly aware not only of the erotic sensation, but moreover that it was his. Know-one he knew got off on ‘pulling their own bones’. His penis began to stir. His breathing began after a long pause. Deep and chased. He could feel the blood drying on his stomach. He could hear his heartbeat. His penis was now fully erect.
It was at just that moment that an HVAC repairman, crawling on all fours through the overhead crawlspace, accidentally dislodged a ceiling tile directly over Adam. Lil' Timmy
Killing Adam where he stood. The children outside came to stand in a circle around him. They sang songs. Next the the old folks from the Senior Citizen Gym came by and they too stood around him in a circle and sang songs.
Next morning time had taken a small toll on Adam's body. There were maggots in his eye sockets and he had a strong repulsive odor. During the day a tractor pulled up and hooked something around his feet. The tractor drug him all through town. All the people who saw him sang songs.
Well you can tell
by that funny smell
and all the songs
that we sing
are rousers

Adam Ka-boom
in the boys bathroom
pulling bones
for the thing
inside his trousers

when the ceiling caved in
and the Janitor, Jim
with a mop and a moan
blood on the sink
and tiles he scours

'cuz Adam is dead
with a bashed in head
for his jones
for a fling
with the thing
inside his trousers

Sang the giddy schoolchildren.
Hello, the man cried MIKE
slimy smegma dripped from her shoes as she dragged herself down the chocolate highway of love none
yes she had been around the block- once almost but this new freaky man seemed so fresh he smelled of irish spring none
I remember that scent, it is so familar. The leprecauns, the grumpy old one and his wife. Wait, can't remember that. The one with that memory is dead. Tragic that this memory is taken with the dead unicorn. I like them but everyone else thinks that unicorns and carebears are too cute. What do they know, I know the truth of unicorns. They are not all as sweet and cute as some may think. There is the dark one who hides in the shadows, red eyes staring out through the trees. Remembering what was forgoten by a unicorn unmercifully slain by a giant.
She wants revenge. Finding a giant shouldn't be too hard she thought. Stepping into a waterfall, she walked out of the water in the form of a lovely gaintess with long black silken hair. Wearing a golden outfit simalar to the one Xena wears she grins.
"I will lure him to my lair, I will show him that our race has black sheep too. One race not to be reconed with."
Folding the cape around her, she sets to find Grunthar...
While along her journey, she found a most excellent way to pass the time...mainly visiting her favorite music site at , there she found tons of kickass experimental music...which greatly helped her bear the burdens of her tiresome and often fictitious journey bill
But was it a site, or a trite sight of night, or commercial interigations when the flower is not from the same seed that the bird had flown from. Is it for the trouble we don't know when to quit? Is it a bottle of beer that has left its bubble and escaped into the mad moments of that same seed? No, dont' answer, for if you say that it is something you know, then you dont' know. You know? W.T. Hoffman
these and other thoughts flashed through his mind as the lycoming engine in his stearman biplane roared to life( wonder how many leprichans i can nail today? he grinned as he rolled onto the grass runway. blue exhaust belched and roiled from the radial engine .wish i hadnt eaten that chili for breakfast he thought as he lifted a cheek none
these and other thoughts flashed through his mind as the lycoming engine in his stearman biplane roared to life( wonder how many leprichans i can nail today? he grinned as he rolled onto the grass runway. blue exhaust belched and roiled from the radial engine .wish i hadnt eaten that chili for breakfast he thought as he lifted a cheek yah
these and other thoughts flashed through his mind as the lycoming engine in his stearman biplane roared to life( wonder how many leprichans i can nail today? he grinned as he rolled onto the grass runway. blue exhaust belched and roiled from the radial engine .wish i hadnt eaten that chili for breakfast he thought as he lifted a cheek yah
Damn, if I hadn't stepped on a beetle. No-one gives a damn about shit like this, I thought to myself as I scraped it's remains onto its final resting place with a broken fingernail. Looking at the slimy corpse on the pebble path I swore under my breath. "Damn barbarians", I sighed. "I guess there's no other recourse but to kill them all". Chloe
The source looked upon what was created by the children .Waiting to see the changes in their growth patterns.Like the waves in all the places somewhere always it was a new form of food it helped to build.There are more plans for the children in the garden SOMEONE SOMEWHERE
"Give them tools", the Source demanded. "War is not healthy for children and other living things" she barked. "Digging is healthy for a society of potatoes" The children of the world were issued a tool to fit their size. Newborns and toddlers were issued a hand spade while those in K-5 were given shovels and pitch forks. The high school kids were not trusted with tractors and therefore exempt until a study by HHS had been concluded. none
This being said, an army of children appeared on the open plain, carrying shovels and picks. Across the land the battle cry was heard "Whoopie, whoop i,
whoop you." The children ran across the plains with their war cry on their lips. Small animals ran from them, birds squawked with the news.
But the enemy brigade stood still, and barely even flinched at the sight of them, and when the army of children began their version of an attack on them, they merely laughed and threw out toys to them, as if they were a bunch of needy boys and girls, and not the crazy coke fiends they appeared to be. The result of all this was the most amazing thing the troop had ever seen in their lives as the enemies of the children in Trecrynn: All of a sudden, the children went up in smoke, and there there was a big popping sound, followed by more and more popping sounds, and as soon as the smoke cleared, it could easily be seen that the army had been cooked; and all their army was toast!
Matt Bartholomew
But the enemy brigade stood still, and barely even flinched at the sight of them, and when the army of children began their version of an attack on them, they merely laughed and threw out toys to them, as if they were a bunch of needy boys and girls, and not the crazy coke fiends they appeared to be. The result of all this was the most amazing thing the troop had ever seen in their lives as the enemies of the children in Trecrynn: All of a sudden, the children went up in smoke, and there there was a big popping sound, followed by more and more popping sounds, and as soon as the smoke cleared, it could easily be seen that the army had been cooked. But now, however, the rest of the "midget's" army began exploding all over the place, as well!

Matt Bartholomew
They were all exploding into multiple pierced teenagers. "Eeek, yowl" yelled the remaining army. They all fled through the forest back to their Master.
The new army now emerging from their old forms looked around them. They saw that the world was good. They all made plans to stay overnight and go into the city the next day. Something just told them there would be peircing experts in the city and they all needed new holes.
THE END none