The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

Chapter 4

     The Story The Authors
This was to have certain unfortunate results: owing to Jeremy's unofficial zap of morphine, the anaesthesiologist presiding over Matthew's operation a grizzled old Princetonian known by his students as Ol' Doc Morpheus, ("always good for a few grains or a handful of Demerol if you knew how to work him") was unable to put Matthew completely under. So that as Doctor Benway, the surgeon, was slicing away at the masticated ruin of Matthew's scrotum, the poor lad came to. The stunned youth began to began to thrash about, gibber and howl in a most monkeylike fashion, causing Dr. Benway first to accidentally lop off Matthew's penis and second to stick himself in the right eye with his own scalpel. A great jet of blood arced across the operating room and landed in a great red mimosa flower which bloomed in the white valley of Attendant Nurse Lentil's monumental cleavage, snugly held within her crisply starched nurse's uniform. "Doctor!" she gasped.
"Aaaaaaaaah" screamed the doctor.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh," screamed Matthew.
"Oooooooooooooooooh," screamed everyone else in the room.
Philip
What the hell is that ? Bunty
(As a brief aside: the movie version of this sordid tale will, I suddenly realize, be, like so many other noir comedies in this tasteless age, incurably marred by the use of Jim Carrey in a role [the dashing, inscutable Jeremy Crink] which just screams Crispin Glover. Sigh.
I mention this now but it was at that precise moment that this same suburban avatar of pointy-eared Loki-ness, Emergency Medical Technician Jeremy Crink, giggling hysterically, rushed into the gory going-into-shock atmosphere of the Operating Room carrying, of all things, an empty hot dog bun, a small jar of relish, and a bottle of ketchup.
"GET YER RED HOTS!" he barked in a loud sonorous vendor-voice, startling the ghostlypale dumbfaced doctors and attending nurses, scooping Matthew's severed organ up into the bun before Matthew's unbelieving eyes, slathering it with relish and ketchup, rolling his eyes up and smacking his lips "Mmm, mmm, good!" as he raced out of the into the hall still shouting "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIID HAWWWWWWWWTS!"
Philip
This proved too much for Matthew's already shattered senses; he swooned away into a dead faint. Philip
And Then He Had A Dream. Jesse
In his dream, Matthew stood on the edge of a great lake, in which snakes and sea-serpents of all shapes and sizes froliced, fought, spouted water, and floated bellyup on the lake's crystalline surface. Herr Doktor Philippe
A light breeze blew in from the East and on it floated a huge hot air balloon of the 19th Century variety, covered with fancy trimmings like some great chocolate Bom. In it rode a laughing Jeremy Crink, singing in a high pure soprano a wordless aria after Victor Herbert's "Naughty Marietta". he was carelessly tossing great bloody chunks of chum to the serpents who gobbled each morsel with relish. Spackle
The balloon came to a standstill in the air above the lake, and Matthew (standing at the water's edge, too afraid to jump in) watched as the sea-serpents formed themselves into a water-ballet directly beneath the balloon, spinning round the hub of its shadow in a perfectly choreographed mandala, switching effortlessly from clockwise to counterclockwise among the chum-pinked caps of the wavelets. The overture to "Carmen" (music which in Matthew's mind meant fear, connected as it was with memories of Dad Hickey, on a bad drunk, beating the living Bejeezus out of Matt's mother while singing along in his best falsetto to arias on the Pedersen's Cod Liver Oil Opera Hour on an old radio in the livingroom which in the 1970s was still picking up broadcasts from the 1940s) swirled in on an eddy of sweet-smelling zephyrs and the serpents halted expectantly beneath the balloon with one vast collective intake of breath... Philip
The balloon began to swell and turn a deep purplish red expanding and expanding like some vast Jiffypop device until it burst in huge wet gobs of popcorn. Standing on shore still afraid of leaping into the surgin waters around the sea serpents Matthew felt the wind pick up and swell the loose robe around his body. In front of him the serpents writhed and lept in a feeding frenzy as they gobbled and devoured the light fluffy kernels that fell about them. spackle


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