The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

Chapter 2

     The Story The Authors
Hickey's attention percked up. What is this guy....a fricking mind reader? Hickey fixed his gaze directly at Crink. His patience had reached a quantum uncertainty. Slowly he fingered for his trusty oak billy club, the phalic baton of submission, deftly removing it from the loop on his belt. Every cop has one, and fortunately they're all the same size. What a relief that was for Hickey. Imagine the hierarchies if the size of one's billy club were proportional to, well, you know, his body weight, or the length of his fingers, or some other baton like feature of the male anatomy. What if it were a really cold day when he was getting his physical exam and he ended up with a really short club? He imagined all the cops walking their beats with their anatomically proportioned billy clubs. He knew it wasn't the size of the club that mattered.......but that didn't help with the distant giggles he heard as he walked his downtown beat following the morning shift of Big Tommy "the Gun" La Sworda. Maybe that's why Luby was always smily and giggly when she saw him. His little reverie ended with a swell of anger, and he put it to good use. "....I always heard some of those asian cultures eat dogs like it's nothing and" Thwack! Jeremy Crink was silenced by Hinkey's dinky billy club and fell swiftly to the ground. Phineus de Thornley Head
"Matthew!" chided a horrified, feminine, and very familiar voice. "And here I thought I'd raised a decent, god-fearing man, a Christian gentleman! But you! A thug, a brute, a, a, a a Tartar!"
"Mother?" gasped Officer Hickey.
For the voice was issueing from his dead mother's crumpled form on the pavement.
"Mother I didn't mean it Mother I'm sorry he just got me so riled up and he always teased me at school and he wanted me to let him cook you mother and "
"'To Protect and Serve." Is that what you were doing, Matthew? Protecting whom? Serving whom? You blue serge barbarian!"
"But mother I told you he wanted to serve you! To his friends! He's a murderer! And a cannibal! And he does terrible things to ducks!"
"Now they'll be two of us to haunt you, Matthew. You killed us both."
"Mother? I? Killed you?"
"You killed me Matthew. Your actions, your coldness, you greed, and all the little things you neglected. You killed me, just as you killed Jeremy, and now you will have not one but two revenants on your trail, stalking you until you die so that when your time comes we can escort you to Hell!"
"Mother?" Officer Hickey fell to his knees, overcome once again with terrible sobbing. "I'm s-s-s-sorry... I never thought... But it was all my fault, all of it, all of it... I didn't mean to, I "
"APRIL FOOLS!" said Jeremy. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" he cackled hysterically. "Seeya at the mortuary! Last one there's a rotten egg sucker!" Jeremy leapt into his hearse and sped away at at least twice the speed limit.
Philip


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