The Figs of May - Carpe Testicularum

Chapter 1

The Story The Authors

Hickey thought to himself, "What's gotten over mother? Ma would never write such things. Is Ma losing her mind? It may just be Ma's time to go see Dr. Ludwitz again"./n The station house was busy as usual, so no one noticed Hickey slipping out before his shift was over. He could get suspended again, but there was no alternative./n Ma lived in an aged white house at the old square uptown. The house needed wrok, and with dad gone, it just wasn't getting done. Hickey entered the house, and he knew something was wrong. Hickeyfelt the same way he did the night of the Brinkly incident. A chill ran down his spine, and made the hair on his arms stand on end. Why would ma leave all the lights out on a Friday night, Friday night she would always pay the bills. He drew his night stick and reached for the lights. It was too late. Paul

After years of selfless, thankless motherhood, saintly Widow Hickey had had enough — after pinning a terse suicide note to the front of her simple gingham dress — "Dinner in fridge. Don't forget to pay the gas bill before next Thursday. Eat your vegetables. Love, Mom." — the poor woman had tied a deft noose (all those years as a Cub Scout Den Mother finally paying dividends) with a length of clothesline, tied one end to a heavy light fixture in the double-high front hallway ceiling, placed the other end of it about her skinny neck, and leapt off the balustrade into space and swinging death.
Gasping — heart thumping madly, irrationally — Officer Hickey took out his knife and sawed through the clothesline, nearly falling off the balcony in the process. BAMMMMP! Mrs. Hickey plummeted ten feet and hit the floor...
Madly sobbing Officer Hickey raced down the stairs and put his ear to her chest and heard...
Nothing. Nada. The poor woman was already cold and stiffening and turning blue, and on top of that the fall had broken her shoulder, so that the jagged collarbone stuck out through the skin leaking cooled, viscous used-to-be-blood all over the hall carpet. Philip

For the first real time in his overprotected sheltered existence Hickey felt afraid. He cradled the still lightly warm corpse close to his chest and cried. Salty bitter tears. How could she abandon him like this? Why did she do it? Why? Oh Why? He still needed her.
What was he going to do? Who was going to take care of his special needs which only a mother could understand? Who would cuddle and coddle him when he felt blue. Who was going to accompany him to the Policeman's balls and holiday parties. Who would shave his back hair so that the other officers wouldn't make fun of him in the showers? Who would polish his badge and tell him how smart he looked in his dress blues? How would he manage? Did she leave him detailed heating instructions with his dinner?
With great effort he managed to lift his bulky frame from the floor and gingerly avoiding the spot on the carpet where Mother Hickey's bowels had spontaneously evacuated made his way to the phone. He was still a police officer dammit, there were procedures to follow. Lanark

Hickey had to wonder, what was it that drew Ma to this drastic act. Just the other day he made a comment that Luby's pie was 'even better that yours'. Was it the thought of her son eating pir from a strange woman, a woman he wasn't even courting. Or was it the thought that she was holding him back. It could have been that she was six weeks late for her psychiatric appointment with Dr Ludwitz. Ma has been dealing with depression since Pa died, but it was nothing that a little Prozac couldn't fix. Paul

Scott Minneman

Officer Hickey's mind reeled... "How could ya do it, Ma? How could ya leave me? Aw, I can't take it anymore I gotta say them words I ain't supposed to: shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker-motherfucker-and-tits! There! Wake up, Ma, wake up and wash my mouth out with soap, Ma, I sweared, I said the Bad Words, Ma, wake up wake up wake up wake up wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!" At which point he ceased kicking his mother's corpse there on the floor and began to weep, sobbing in great heaves and monsoon-seasons against the rickety old banister as the ambulance spinning its red globes like UFOs but with the sirens turned off in respect of the fact that so many of the neighbors were sleeping. Philip

The Story	The Authors
Hickey thought to himself, "What's gotten over mother? Ma would never write such things. Is Ma losing her mind? It may just be Ma's time to go see Dr. Ludwitz again"./n The station house was busy as usual, so no one noticed Hickey slipping out before his shift was over. He could get suspended again, but there was no alternative./n Ma lived in an aged white house at the old square uptown. The house needed wrok, and with dad gone, it just wasn't getting done. Hickey entered the house, and he knew something was wrong. Hickeyfelt the same way he did the night of the Brinkly incident. A chill ran down his spine, and made the hair on his arms stand on end. Why would ma leave all the lights out on a Friday night, Friday night she would always pay the bills. He drew his night stick and reached for the lights. It was too late.	Paul
After years of selfless, thankless motherhood, saintly Widow Hickey had had enough — after pinning a terse suicide note to the front of her simple gingham dress — "Dinner in fridge. Don't forget to pay the gas bill before next Thursday. Eat your vegetables. Love, Mom." — the poor woman had tied a deft noose (all those years as a Cub Scout Den Mother finally paying dividends) with a length of clothesline, tied one end to a heavy light fixture in the double-high front hallway ceiling, placed the other end of it about her skinny neck, and leapt off the balustrade into space and swinging death. Gasping — heart thumping madly, irrationally — Officer Hickey took out his knife and sawed through the clothesline, nearly falling off the balcony in the process. BAMMMMP! Mrs. Hickey plummeted ten feet and hit the floor... Madly sobbing Officer Hickey raced down the stairs and put his ear to her chest and heard... Nothing. Nada. The poor woman was already cold and stiffening and turning blue, and on top of that the fall had broken her shoulder, so that the jagged collarbone stuck out through the skin leaking cooled, viscous used-to-be-blood all over the hall carpet.	Philip
For the first real time in his overprotected sheltered existence Hickey felt afraid. He cradled the still lightly warm corpse close to his chest and cried. Salty bitter tears. How could she abandon him like this? Why did she do it? Why? Oh Why? He still needed her. What was he going to do? Who was going to take care of his special needs which only a mother could understand? Who would cuddle and coddle him when he felt blue. Who was going to accompany him to the Policeman's balls and holiday parties. Who would shave his back hair so that the other officers wouldn't make fun of him in the showers? Who would polish his badge and tell him how smart he looked in his dress blues? How would he manage? Did she leave him detailed heating instructions with his dinner? With great effort he managed to lift his bulky frame from the floor and gingerly avoiding the spot on the carpet where Mother Hickey's bowels had spontaneously evacuated made his way to the phone. He was still a police officer dammit, there were procedures to follow.	Lanark
Hickey had to wonder, what was it that drew Ma to this drastic act. Just the other day he made a comment that Luby's pie was 'even better that yours'. Was it the thought of her son eating pir from a strange woman, a woman he wasn't even courting. Or was it the thought that she was holding him back. It could have been that she was six weeks late for her psychiatric appointment with Dr Ludwitz. Ma has been dealing with depression since Pa died, but it was nothing that a little Prozac couldn't fix.	Paul
	Scott Minneman
Officer Hickey's mind reeled... "How could ya do it, Ma? How could ya leave me? Aw, I can't take it anymore I gotta say them words I ain't supposed to: shit-piss-fuck-cunt-cocksucker-motherfucker-and-tits! There! Wake up, Ma, wake up and wash my mouth out with soap, Ma, I sweared, I said the Bad Words, Ma, wake up wake up wake up wake up wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!" At which point he ceased kicking his mother's corpse there on the floor and began to weep, sobbing in great heaves and monsoon-seasons against the rickety old banister as the ambulance spinning its red globes like UFOs but with the sirens turned off in respect of the fact that so many of the neighbors were sleeping.	Philip

Library | Contents | Next Page