|The Story||The Authors|
|Like Geraldine, Hadley was prone to such nonsensical reveries and hallucinations. These did absolutely nothing to remedy his current predicament, however: bound and gagged, he hung upside down in the Ruth's kitchen, scheduled to be eaten.|
|The imperious presence of Ruth Goldsteiner herself, with half-her-size husband Augie in tow, had in fact manifested in the kitchen earlier that afternoon, to sharpen her favorite cleavers and boning-knives under Hadley and Potter's suspended noses, and poke and prod at them, making cutting and insensitive comments on the two men's respective fat-to-muscle ratios.|
Her chickenlike husband Augie had taken pity on the two men and removed the tennis balls and tape gagging them before scurrying away after Ruth. When Hadley then suggested that he and Potter chew through each other's bounds — a trick he'd learned in the Special Forces — Potter looked at Hadley as if he'd suggested not a means of escape but some unnatural homosexual tryst, before turning violently away. In doing so, both men became aware that the hooks from which they dangled were set in mobile tracks; Potter's response to this revelation was to jerk his body away from Hadley and down the ceiling track until he hung adjacent to the kitchen counter. From there, it was short work for his resourceful dipsomaniac instincts to use his chin to turn a large bottle of Manischewitz onto its side and his teeth to unscrew the cap. In this way his happily glugged up the contents of three entire bottles of kosher wine before falling into yet another dead snore, ropes of purple drool extending from his mouth to the cold flagstone floor like the burgeoning web-attempts of some new species of glutinous arachnid. For his own part, Hadley fumed and sulked, waiting for a plan to appear in his mind... |
But what has become of dear Geraldine and Adam?, the reader must be wondering by now...
Well, you'll have to wait to know that, because Hadley was about to do something very important...
Hadley jerked himself to the counter. He rummaged through the drawers until he found what he was looking for - a knife! He quickly cut his bonds, and fell flat on his face and blacked out.
|When he woke up, he was again tied and bound. This time he was bound with steel handcuffs. The bagel gnomes had a large pot water boiling and were preparing add the main ingredient... Hadley! He noticed that Geraldine and Adam were also bound, and were dangling over each of their own private kettles. A small, old gnome entered the room. It was Granpa Gnome, Cylde the great. He began muttering, "Look at this, what a sorry excuse for a feast. What have these younger gnomes done now. Looky here, electric kettles...BAAH! Hand cuffs...BAAH!, and an electric carving knife. What a sorry excuse for a feast. These long-pigs are so skinny, not an ounce of meat on their bones. I'm sure they didn't put up much of a fight. When I was a young gnome we had to fight for our meals, tooth and claw. We never had these new fangled instruments of death. The end was near when they started fashioning weopons from wood and metal. I would have nothing to do with such things, they are the evils of this moderm world. All a gnome needs is a good rock and a nice set of claws! Now with these high powered appliances taken from the world of the long-pigs. They make us weak, and a weak gnome is as good as a dead gnome!! "Why my father once said, 'Someday Clyde you will lead the gnomes to great victory over the long-pigs'. What a fool that old man was, but he could brew up a great batch of onion stew. What an old gnome like me wouldn't give for some of that onion stew. I'd sit right down and dip my bagels in it, and I'd be one happy old gnome." Geraldine interupted, "I'm sorry old man, what does this have to do with us? Are you going to set us free or not?" "Well of course I'll set you free my little apricot!" "My name is not Apricot, it's Geraldine, you old gieser, Geraldine, got it old man?" On that note, the old gnome grabbed his chest and fell over dead.|