|The Story||The Authors|
"YOU LEAVE NEIL OUT OF THIS YOU DISGUSTING COW! At least he has talent! Unlike Babs who just schtupped her way up! I heard the only producers whose cocks she hasn't sucked were the ones she met before her nose job — the old schnozz was so long she couldn't more than just the tips in her mouth!" |
"Oh, and you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Mrs. Facelift?" replied Ruth with a sort of ice-cold joviality, and then instantly regretted it.
"I"M NOT THE ONE WHO HAD HER VAGINAL MUSCLES TIGHTENED THREE TIMES IN A ROW TO TRY AND KEEP HER HUSBAND THE PROFESSOR FROM SCHTUPPING HIS STUDENTS!" screeched Edna, a web of spittle flying from her mouth.
At the table Geraldine was sobbing uncontrollably. "Muh-muh-muh-my name is Geraldine," she blubbered, already visibly heavier, rounder, soft luscious pockets of guilt-retained fat forming almost visibly in all the wrong places: hips, thighs, bum, arms, midriff, face, chin, neck. "So duh-duh-duh-don't call me Anorexia."
Bigger and bigger she bulged while the two Gnomish women bickered and spat venomous words at each other about Tom Jones' manly endowments and Barry Manilow's sexual proclivities. She balooned and blossomed like the selfish girl in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" but instead of blue she became flushed a rosy shade of pink. The burgeoning flesh spilled out over the beltline of her jeans and was imprisoned in the legs until they resembled nothing less than a pair of bloated overripe blue bratwurst.|
She wailed as the undersized stool beneath her gave way and dropped her to a now well cushioned fall on her behind. It was almost more than her grieved heart could bear. Now not only had she started the Bagel Gnome women to arguing after all they had done for her, but she was wrecking their furniture too.
"Are you sure she's in here?" Adam asked Gregor as he peered into the kitchen. "I don't see her." |
"Sacre bleu!" exclaimed the dapper cockroach on Adam's shoulder. "Zat ees her, there!"
"Where? I don't see her."
"There, ze fat one on ze floor. Ze fiends! Zey have trapped her with their evil fat retaining guilt! Ze wretched creatures!"
"Yes, it must very tough to be Geraldine today."
At the sound of Geraldine crashing to the floor, Ruth and Edna ceased their bickering and ran to the bawling girl. "Oy, vey, ziss iss versschmutent!" they exclaimed, slapping their foreheads. "What happened to our svelte little Geraldine of only a few hours ago? She's eaten all those recipes we learned from our grandmothers... She's blown up like a balloon. She's the fattest girl in the whole wide world!" This last statement set poor Geraldine to bawling louder than ever. Rivers of tears flowed down her face and body and pooled about her on the linoleum floor. The guilt, she moaned inwardly. Oy, the guilt indeed! Ten thousand poiunds of chopped liver and homemade gefilte fish could not assuage it! |
It was at that moment that two things happened. Adam, Gregor the cockroach, and an appallingly hungover Potter entered the kitchen. Their weight, combined with the weight of that sizeable gaggle of Jewish Mothers and the seven-hundred-pounds-and-counting to which Geraldine had swelled, was too much for the heavy wooden beams supporting the kitchen floor. It gave way and the whole lot of them tumbled into darkness.
"I will handle zis." announced Gregor. He scurried down Adam's arm, then leg and across the floor to the kitchen table where the gnome women were fussing over Geraldine. He climbed atop a potato latke and said very loudly "Boo!" which frightened away the gnome women. (Filthy cockroaches! Such diseases they carry!) Adam and Muff potter tried to help Geraldine off the floor but she was so engulfed in self-loathing and gelatinous flesh that she was unable to move. |
"Geraldine, get a grip!" Adam said. "We have to get out of here before those evil gnomes come back."
"It's all my fault!" Geraldine blubbered. I'm worthless! Just leave me here, I'll only bring you sorrow and shame! Waaaaaah!"
"Your not worthless, it's not your fault! Those gnomes did this to you! Come on and get up, we have to hurry!" Adam said.
"I can't do it! I'm too fat! I can't do anything!"
"Stop whining! It's getting on my nerves."
"See? I told you I was worthless! Waaaaaah!"
"Where is Assistant Principal Hadley?" asked Muff Potter.