The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

Chapter 4

     The Story The Authors
towards it, wishing to become one with the fiery body none
Suicide is useless
when thus far you have coasted
it's selfish, mean and callow
not to mention pointless
So you shall not get roasted
like any old marshmallow

And with that Thing One and Thing Two swooped down wearing little jetpacks and whisked Roger back up the chasm to the relative safety of the ledge above, Roger's left shoe fell off on the way up and with a sizzling plop was immediately burnt up by the molten rock. It smelled horrid.

Luckilly, at this moment the bubbling lava engulfed Rogers left leg. He was relieved, as now his lack of shoe would pass unnoticed in good company. trezzer
…and then they were back in the cave. Things One and Two tossed him unceremoniously the to the hard stone floor, barking his already bruised shins on a sharp outcropping of basalt.

We've warned you thrice,
Four times, five, six —
Yet still you won't
desist your tricks!

"You people are nuts," groaned Roger from the cave floor.

We are but figments
(As night from day)
Of your desires
Gone horribly astray

"No!" howled Roger, beating his head against the irridescently veined rock wall of the cavern. "No metaphysics! No flighty ethereal hoo-hah! I want facts, damnit! F-A-C-T-S!"

You need but find
the beating heart
Within your breast
For facts to start...

"Speak English, for fuck's sake!"

See yonder wall
behind the door
Where sobs your old friend
Mr. Boar —

...from the deeper, shadowed recesses of the cave there came a great porcine wailing, notable for the pronounced Southern drawl of its sobs... The Things continued...

You hurt his feelings!
The poor soul's pride
Won't heal till you've

That's all that impedes!
Your progress
Following the arrows
Of Arnie S!

Philippe Verne
"Ah, Christ on a shishkabob skewer," muttered Roger. none

You hurt his feelings! Bruised his pride!
He might as well be crucified!
You've crushed him with your cruelty!
Think how you'd feel if you were he!

"Ah sweah, y'all made me feel lahk I'd up an dahd! Waaaa oh boo hoo hoo hoo hoo," wailed Mr. Boar from his corner.

Roger (aside; impersonating Hamlet): "I did not think that one could live,
And be so hypersensitive;
Yet false apologies, I'm sure,
Shall help me catch the conscience of the Boar."
So saying, Roger hung his head in the fullest approximation of guilt, humility, and genuine sorrow as he was capable of mustering, and rose to his feet.

Roger was just about to offer the boar his most humble and heartfelt apologies when a sudden realization struck him lightening on a golf course.
"Why should I apologize to you? You're the one who knocked me off that ledge. I could have been killed!"
"I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick skinned!" wailed the boar.
"You've hurt his feelings, for shame for shame!
Can't you even feel his pain?" started the things.
"Alright, I've had enough of you two! I will not apologize. It's a matter of principle." Roger folded his arms and turned his back on the pathetic Mr. Boar and the incredibly annoying Things 1 and 2.
He pushed you off
that is no lie
But it was you
first hurt his pride
Your Knock Knock joke
was the cause of all
from bruised ego
to nasty fall
So Kiss! Make up!
desist your grievin'
by the Pope's red nose
you're even steven
tit for tat
and Quid Pro Quo
one and one
and blow for blow
you're matched insults
have cancelled each
Now Kiss! Make Up!
Is what we preach!

Roger's shoulders sagged as he knew that Thing One & Two were essentially right. He turned to face his nemesis. They looked balefully at one another for a moment, neither really wanting to concede the point. Until finally Old Boar gave a little snort and a sniffle and began
"Well suh, ah do suh-pose that ah did not treat y'all in the utmohst gentimentily ov mannahs on accountin' to yoah fuhst impreshin on m'self. But as they say in the v'nacular "Pride goeth afore the fall."
Both Things gave Roger a meaningful look. He cleared his throat. "It my intention to...well... I didn't mean to...ah..."
"A-pology accepted, suh!"


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