The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

The Unnamed adventures of Roger Weaver

Chapter 1

     The Story The Authors
Jesus, where did she get this stuff?! Jesus had gotten her here in the first place. That dream, the night Kenneth was born: God had come to her and said, "You shall have a son and his name will be Kenneth." And when the baby was born she'd known what she had to do. Anita hadn't noticed the baby's pointed canines, hadn't known it was THE BRETHREN OF BLOOD that had impregnanted her!!! She glared at the wretched wizened creature that had been her son and her protector. ZoŽ
Anita decided to go to church and calm down. But she couldn't because it was Thursday and church was on Sundays. So she prayed. "God, send me some help here!" Suddenly out of the shadows appeared the Fictional Five! Janice, Vashondra, Bitzy, Kristi, and Dianne the angel! "What are you doing here?" said Anita. "Well, we're immortal, aren't we?" replied Janice, very much annoyed at their glorious entrance into this story being greeted by an unbeleiving, oh-great-cant-i-ever-have-a-break-from-these-guys answer. Kristi answered a little better. "We were hanging out somewhere between Alpha and Omega when we all suddenly felt this great urge to come here and help you. It was like God was calling us or something." This made a little sense to Anita but not much. "What is Alpha," she asked, "and what is Omega?" "We'll explain later," said Vashondra. "Right now we have work to do!" Carolym
"Ok" said Anita a little dubiously. The Fictional Five grabbed her under her arms and she felt herself rising into the air. With gaining speed they rushed higher and higher until Anita feared they would be crushed against the ceiling. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them she saw that she was standing in a large cornfield. "Ok" said Vashondra, "Let's scare away those crows!" The five began to squawk in the most ear-shattering tones Anita had ever heard. "What are you doing?" she cried. "Where are we?" The Five looked at her with puzzled expressions. "Isn't this your field?" "No!" Anita shouted. The Five suddenly looked very sheepish and Bitzy said "Sorry, the signals must have got crossed. Guess we got the wrong mortal." Then with that they vanished as quickly as they had appeared. Anita looked around. Now she was stuck in the middle of a cornfield who-knows-where. Now what was she to do? willow
Moments later the Fictional Five reappeared. "OK," said Vashondra, pulling a strange wooden thing out of her 3 foot strawberry blonde beehive hairdo. "We know who you are now." She proceeded to tell Anita 436 things about Anita. It took seven hours. After seven hours Anita asked, "Whats that wooden thing?" "Oh that," said Janice. "Thats the solution to your problem with your vampire son - the Vampire Vacuum 3000!!!" Dianne explained how it worked: "You see, its basically a sharp stake except we added some high tech stuff. This blue button, here, sprays water. This white and gold button creates a ten meter radius sphere of light. This brown and gold button sends out a strong smell of garlic. And this purple button summons Buffy the Vampire Slayer in case you need more help. That vampire wont go near you!" "What does this red button do?" asked Anita. "Oh no," said Bitzy, paling a little which made her face an ever increasing contrast to her jet black hair. "We meant to take that out but we didn't have time." "But what does it do" asked Anita. "Well," said Kristi, the youngest, "lets just say some bad things happened. Anyway good luck! We have to go now and help Roger Weaver find a better giraffe." Carolyn
"Thank God the "Fictional Five" truly are fictional. This is just plain stupid," snorted Roger Weaver slamming the odious comic book shut. Without the slightest tinge of regret he tossed the last remaining copy of "Tedious Character #126 " into the flames of the small fire he had managed to make with a magnifying glass and the last few leaves of rolling papers stuffed into one of the thirty pockets of his safari jacket. One last lick of flame and it and all trace of them were gone. It had been the only reading matter that he been able to find at the Kunjaba airport that wasn't in native Bozoti but nights were cool on the savannah and brushwood hard to find. Sacrifices had to be made. Fortunatly this was a small one.
Besides he had bigger problems to contend with.
Lanark


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