|The Story||The Authors|
|It was at that moment that Dick Deltoid opened the door and gaped at the multitude. Dick was a field investigator for Gramercy National Bank and Trust. He had been dispatched by his supervisor, Viagra Flacid to check out the unusually high volume on Valtroieās credit card account which the bankās computer had flagged. They were always on the look out for scammers. Dick had the uncommon good looks of a Mormon missionary but in fact he was a lapsed Christian Scientist who was known to occasionally use Band-Aids. He was comfortable in crowded places and used to the smell of cheap booze and cheezies. After a couple of questions to the folks waiting for tables he was directed to Valtroie. "Christ!",he thought to himself, "She looks like Mary Baker Eddy with a body" Excuse me Iām Dick, Viagra Flacid sent me.|
...or so went the blinding visions sent by the ancestors that often interrupted Injun Joe's days."White man, heap big cesspool of decadence." thought Injun joe as he dispersed the visions with a grimace and a shake of the head. These things always gave him migraines that could kill a horse, but the hardened warrior just shook them off and returned to leering at his bound captives.|
"Injun Joe need belly warmer" grunted towards the weeping barmaids, "Injun Joe like'em big tits" and the leer spread chesire cat wide across his battle scarred face. He ambled over to Lois, her ample endowments virtually spilling forth fro her torn waitress uniform. His lips smacked eagerly. "This one mine." he declared and around him his braves let out a united war whoop.Their leader's chioce having been made they could now divide the rest of the women between themselves. It would be a long night for all involved.
|It would be a long night. But not all were involved, only all minus one. All except of course the politically correct and very repressed Injun John who secretly wished he were Injun Jane, on account of the day he ran into a fallen tree injurin' himself in the nether regions of which legends and babes were made. Injun John gasped and held his hand up to Injun Joe, saying, "Leave her the heap alone - no heaping or humping in my vicinity."|
|Meanwhile,back at the Velvet Rope in front of "The Badlands of South Dakota"...|
|Just as Dick Deltoid was being let through the rope, and attempting to find the hand of Valetroie,to whom one of the Indian-costumed waiters was attempting to introduce him, a hubub from the sidewalk started scattering the back of the line like tenpins! A shrewish, gravelly, but plaintive voice was imploring and beseeching, "BAMBINO!", "BAMBINO!", as a hulking figure dressed in black veil and silk "widow's weeds" of late 19th. C. Neapolitan origin, aggressively rammed the ankles of the hapless crowd with a large old-fashioned black perambulator into which she was gesticulating with a free hand each time she said the word, "BAMBINO"! She stopped abruptly at the velvet rope, as two large frowning waiters stood between her and Valetroie and Dick Deltoid, who had turned to gape in amazement at the procession of the pram. With many a shout of "Hey! Watch it!", and "Ouch!" the waiting crowd had parted as the Red Sea had before the staff of Moses, only a bit faster! Had the distraught woman's veil been lifted, any of a number of the celebrating patrons in the place might have instantly recognized none other than the Bull-Dyke of Brooklyn herself! Seldom seen in such as yet probationary establishments she nevertheless had a fairly high recognition quotient in certain parts of town. Few would have, or could have, guessed however that the baby in the pram was none other than Jake Ticklestein, of Woodchuck, New Jersey. This was a baby, but a very strange one. One with a healthy stubble of beard, a cigar in his tiny mouth, upon which he puffed cooly, and a .45 calibre Thompson submachine gun cradeled in his tiny arms. Perhaps only the calm indifferent gaze,however, hinted that this was no ordinary machine gun toting, cigar smoking baby. This was a homicidal maniac! Dick Deltoid parted the two volunteer bouncers gently, and said, "Perhaps I can assist this poor woman? I speak a bit of Italian!"|